I'm scared because I don't want to regret leaving him

[Someone123]

I just said it. Any minute now craziness will ensue... I'm shaking, I'm so afraid. I can't believe what I'm doing... I know its right but I just want to go back to being comfortable with him

[turtle]

I know its right but I just want to go back to being comfortable with him

Good for you Someone!

I would challenge you to stop thinking of being with his as "comfortable."  It clearly was NOT "comfortable."  You were VERY unhappy and even now, you are fearful of what he might do.  In a "normal" relationship, if people decide to part ways, there might be hurt, tears, etc., but there generally isn't the fear that someone will retaliate in hateful, hurtful and destructive ways.

The fact that you KNOW the craziness is about to start, is very telling.  You may have to experience some extreme discomfort for a period of time and that's okay.  It's necessary to go through that to get on with your life and live free from this insanity.

The most important thing now is to do as Reenehsv said:

Block him on FB right now. If he shows up at your house in a rage, do not answer the door... .  call the police. You must show him that you're serious. Avoid contact with him since you're vulnerable right now. You need to keep your strength and resolve and the only way to do so is NC. Block his emails and phone number. You're too fragile at this moment to be able to stay strong if he's allowed to text or anything at all.

Stick to your decision and prove to him that you mean it!  Be prepared to do whatever you need to do to honor your decision and to protect yourself.  Did you tell him there can be no contact?

Stay close here!

turtle

[Someone123]

Well. Needless to say... .  that already failed, I guess. I told him through text, long text and was very assertive in saying it needed to end. He called, running over to see me. He hugged me, told me he loved me and totally can't be without me. He offered to go to counseling and that we could also go together. Guys... .  what on earth do I do.

[turtle]

Ugh.

Well... .  if it were me (which it isn't,) I would tell him that yes... .  counseling sounds great and you are glad he recognizes that this would be a good thing for him... .  and he should pursue that on his own -- without you and away from you.

[Reneehsv]

Agree with Turtle.

You decided it's best to break up with him. Stick to it. He's just using manipulation, messing with your feelings to make you feel pity for him and have hope (counseling). My bet, if he's like most other BPDers, is he'll promise you the moon to win you back, but once he's back in your good graces, his actions will be completely opposite.

If you really want to end this, try to see through his manipulations and stay strong.

[Someone123]

I feel so confused. I feel so determined, focused... and then that happens, I'm in his arms and a bit of hope is seen... like maybe things could change, maybe I am just too codependent... maybe some of these issues are because I don't communicate well enough... he says he wished I would just put him in his place when he acts in a way I dislike. But at the same time, a part of me thinks almost like he's acting when he acts sad... and he knows exactly how to react that draws me back in. Sometimes I feel like he really loves me and things could actually change... and then others I feel he's just mainpularibg me through these actions. I really love him so acting or not, when someone I love is begging for me like that... hardest thing. I don't know where to go from here now... .  

[turtle]

Why is it up to YOU to put him in his place?  You're not his mommy.

These are not new issues between the two of you.  His behavior has bothered you for a long time, but all of a sudden he's going to play the counselling card?  IMO, it's pure manipulation.  He knows that's what you want to hear.

I'm no psychic, but my best guess is that he won't go, or if he does, it will be effortless on his part and short lived - and he'll punish you in some way for "having" to do it.

You say you really "love" him.  What is it you love about him?  You've said he makes you pretty miserable the majority of the time. Earlier today, you made your benfits of staying or leaving list and only came up with one very weak reason to stay.

I know you don't want to hurt his feelings or have him be mad at you, but is that worth being miserable most of the time?

Even if, by some miracle, he does go to counselling and embraces that, you won't see significant change in him for a VERY long time.  And... .  it could very well get worse, not better.

turtle

[armsreach]

Honestly, it sounds like he's manipulating you to get what he wants. If he truly wants to go to counseling, he'll go whether you're together or not.

My stbxh (uBPD) tells me constantly that I'm not a good communicator. I believed him for a LONG time. It's just not true (in my case at least), just another way for him to degrade me and make me think I'M the problem.

Is this where you want to be in 1 year? 5? Chances are, he's not going to change.

My stbxh and I did go to counseling. He manipulated the T, making me sound like a horrible shrew and she sided with him on every issue. He used that to "prove" to me that I was the problem, not him and that I needed to "work on myself." He was correct, but not in the way he meant it. My h claims he loves me and cannot live without me. I finally stopped believing him when he told me he loved me, then immediately said I "drove him" to yell obscenities at me and treat me badly.

Only you can decide what to do.   Good luck!

[Someone123]

Another thing I've found is everytime Ive tried to break it off he says how embarrasing it is. I find that weird... .  he said today, like imagine how embarrasing it would be if we were married... like what other ppl would think

[Someone123]

I just read straight from one of the articles about the manipulation and blaming you for being "embarrassed" from a breakup... I don't know what to do right now. As crazy and dramatic as this is, I'm going to tell him again... it's over. He's planning on coming over tonight. Should I tell him before, or then?

[turtle]

I just read straight from one of the articles about the manipulation and blaming you for being "embarrassed" from a breakup... I don't know what to do right now. As crazy and dramatic as this is, I'm going to tell him again... it's over. He's planning on coming over tonight. Should I tell him before, or then?

If you are serious about this, tell him now.  There's NO REASON for him to come over if it's over!  If he comes over, this gets harder.

[Someone123]

What freaks me out is how blinded and mainpulared I am around him. I'm in a daze of love, and he knows exactly what to do to make me weak and fall back in his arms. Right now, my mind is clear again. Whenever I'm away from him for a while, my mind grows clearer and I realize I may miss him and love him but that the relationship is certainly troubled... most of the times I've tried to end it have had longer periods of us being apart preceding them. When I'm with him, I think he knows exactly how to push my buttons.

[Sabine]

He knows how to push your buttons because you've shown him it works and that's why he keeps it up.

Mine still tries and it's been almost a year! I ended it in Feb and forced myself to block his phone and emails. He continues to send letters, presents, and cards in the mail to my house. (The last one was just last month!) I have to ignore, ignore, and ignore. For awhile I had to hold on to my anger to keep myself from caving in. I had to remind myself of how he sounded, what he said, and how I felt when he raged at me. I had to remind myself how utterly lonely I was when I was with him. I had to remind myself that he is an adult and I am not his mother. I had to remind myself that I made the right choice in leaving him- for me. I stayed very close to the boards. I stayed away from places where I might run into him. I had to reconnect myself with my likes, my life, and my serenity. I had to go through the whole gamut, the whole series of emotions, because my head knew it was not a healthy relationship. I learned as much as I could about r/ss with pwBPD and that what he was doing was not love. I had to look at my own issues on why I'd want to stay with someone who behaves this way... .  in time you'll get there. Give yourself a chance, tell yourself to give yourself a chance! you can do this... .   

You have to do whatever it takes to detach.

[turtle]

Hey Someone123 --

Just curious how you are doing today.

Yesterday, you were posting quite a bit and today you are not here.

Let us know what is happening so we can know how to support you!

turtle

[Someone123]

Looks like were giving it one more try... I tried to end it a second time, we had a long talk... talked about how to improve things and I got really open and honest with my concerns. I told him my concerns about some of his behaviors and that I've been discussing it with others who also have advised us to get therapy... I ended up feeling more hopeful than I had in a while. I'm going to really put my all into this, try my hardest to get this to work... one last try. I'm going to start going to a t myself asap...

[just me.]

Looks like were giving it one more try... I tried to end it a second time, we had a long talk... talked about how to improve things and I got really open and honest with my concerns. I told him my concerns about some of his behaviors and that I've been discussing it with others who also have advised us to get therapy... I ended up feeling more hopeful than I had in a while. I'm going to really put my all into this, try my hardest to get this to work... one last try. I'm going to start going to a t myself asap...

I think the best advice I can give you is to just go into this "one last try" with your eyes wide open regarding what BPD really is.  To my knowledge, you have not asserted on this board a strong *certainty* that your BF is in fact BPD.  Use this next attempt to evaluate that question more seriously... .  and perhaps do so with the help of one of the other boards here (perhaps "staying" or "undecided".

If he is a troubled, but healthy, person, then your plans for "putting your all into this" and "trying your hardest" may indeed be a possible (although perhaps unlikely... ?) path to success.  If he has BPD, though, then the challenge really is very different - and the causes for optimism are greatly diminished.

Do not allow yourself to get trapped due to inertia or a fear of loss.  If it is a relationship with a pwBPD, then a sense of loss is all but inevitable... .  be it now, a year from now, or in your old age when you look back at how different your life might have been.

I wish you the best.  I'd love to hear more of what happens, and the questions you may struggle with along the way.

[Surnia]

I'm going to really put my all into this, try my hardest to get this to work... one last try. I'm going to start going to a t myself asap...

Start working with a T is anyway a very good plan! 

When you are willing to try again, I would recommend you to go over to the Staying board and post and read there. It really helps!

[Sabine]

Hi Someone123,

Believe it or not, that was going to be my next suggestion. Sometimes we have to 'test the waters' so to speak one more time to be sure. I know I did. Therapy would be extremely helpful for you while you try one more time. just_me_500 gave you great advice "Eyes wide open!" and listening to your gut at all times. Don't lose yourself Someone123, don't be too shy to open up on the Staying Board and share your feelings and how things are going... .  it's your safe zone! 

[Someone123]

Guys... I've been researching into the concept of "~." I'm trying to asess if he legitimately does want to change and improve things and will put forth an effort... or if this is just a manipulative tactic. He is saying now that he is incredibly hurt and insecure since I tried to leave... kind of clingier than normal I guess. In a conversation, I stayed away from the phone a few minutes and returned to a large amount of messages proclaiming love and how things will change. I myself am having a difficult time dissecting what could be BPD/abusive or manipulative behavior or what is truly sincere I guess... after reading so much on the topic I almost feel practically everything said is a trait of BPD or narcissism.

[Someone123]

Excuse me, "~" nor recycling

[Someone123]

I'm growing very resentful and I can't contain it today... I'm just angry. Angry at the world... angry I'm in this situation and don't know what to do... angry at how confusing this is... I want a break... .  I want to feel numb and not have to dissect the meaning of everything he says anymore. I don't want to feel anymore.

[just me.]

Why are you so angry?  Did something more happen?