B sis is driving me nuts

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello all. I am joining in the hope that I can get some relief from the rage and hurt I feel right now at my sister, and the guilt I feel at expecting anythign different from her. I should understand this (I do intellectually, but emotionally is a whole nother ball game), and be more understanding of her, which I mostly am, but when she says things like "You NEVER support me!" after I let her stay in my house for three years, I help her in every possible way I can, have given her work, a place to stay, have been keeping her two cats for her for several years, take her out on her birthday,  store all her ~ in my house, etc. call her up to to see how she is (she doesn't bother to ask how I am, ever), and in July of this year she nearly burned my house down and killed all the cats and my tenant b/c she decided to bring a grill in the house and douse it with lighter fluid and set it on fire and kill herself, which she would have done if it had not been that by some miracle my tenant was home that day... .  

She is on a ton of drugs, about 6 psychotropics, for more than 10 years, yet, every now and then she decides to detox herself, and then the craziness, sleeping for days at a time, and the suicidal ideation. Gestures, or attempts. Yet. I never support her. Ridiculous for me to be upset about this. What can I expect? Gratitude? I have never in my life met someone who embraces the BPD identity with such relish, as if that were her only identity. She used to be a lawyer. Husband got tired of her. "We borderlines ... .  ." a convenient excuse for getting taken care of becaus she is a "borderline" so, I guess, not responsible? getting off scot free from having to take responsibility for her own predicament?

Am I being completely uncharitable here?  I am in a rage and at the same time feel guilty for not being more understanding. Hard, hard hard. she now blames me for 'kicking her out' of my house, the one that she could well have burned down, according to the firemen who responded. I am going away for a year to pursue my own career. Looking for someone to stay in the house. But not her. So very sad today. So then, I eat. And eat and eat! Perhaps I have some BPD traits myself. Very reactive to being told that "You never support me!" after what I have been through, when everyone else was done with her. I need to get a thicker skin. Some distance, some perspective. Thanks for letting me get this rotten feeling off my back. zorrita.

[zorrita35]

Hello all. I am joining in the hope that I can get some relief from the rage and hurt I feel right now at my sister, and the guilt I feel at expecting anythign different from her. I should understand this (I do intellectually, but emotionally is a whole nother ball game), and be more understanding of her, which I mostly am, but when she says things like "You NEVER support me!" after I let her stay in my house for three years, I help her in every possible way I can, have given her work, a place to stay, have been keeping her two cats for her for several years, take her out on her birthday,  store all her ~ in my house, etc. call her up to to see how she is (she doesn't bother to ask how I am, ever), and in July of this year she nearly burned my house down and killed all the cats and my tenant b/c she decided to bring a grill in the house and douse it with lighter fluid and set it on fire and kill herself, which she would have done if it had not been that by some miracle my tenant was home that day... .  

She is on a ton of drugs, about 6 psychotropics, for more than 10 years, yet, every now and then she decides to detox herself, and then the craziness, sleeping for days at a time, and the suicidal ideation. Gestures, or attempts. Yet. I never support her. Ridiculous for me to be upset about this. What can I expect? Gratitude? I have never in my life met someone who embraces the BPD identity with such relish, as if that were her only identity. She used to be a lawyer. Husband got tired of her. "We borderlines ... .  ." a convenient excuse for getting taken care of becaus she is a "borderline" so, I guess, not responsible? getting off scot free from having to take responsibility for her own predicament?

Am I being completely uncharitable here?  I am in a rage and at the same time feel guilty for not being more understanding. Hard, hard hard. she now blames me for 'kicking her out' of my house, the one that she could well have burned down, according to the firemen who responded. I am going away for a year to pursue my own career. Looking for someone to stay in the house. But not her. So very sad today. So then, I eat. And eat and eat! Perhaps I have some BPD traits myself. Very reactive to being told that "You never support me!" after what I have been through, when everyone else was done with her. I need to get a thicker skin. Some distance, some perspective. Thanks for letting me get this rotten feeling off my back. zorrita.

[ambi]

Hi Zorrita35:

 Having a family member with BPD can produce a whole array of emotions.  In your situation, living with the suiciden ideation, your housefire, and being a primary caretaker are all very taxing.  No, I don't think you're being uncharitable.  How can a person step back and be utterly clinical about their own life? Be gentle with yourself.

There are some really terrific folks on the board who can offer encouragement and support.  They've shared similar experiences to what you describe on [L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw Board.

Hang in there - and don't forget to do things to take care of yourself sometimes, too, okay?

ambi

[ScarletOlive]

Hi zorrita35,

I'm very sorry you're struggling, but glad you found us! The suicide attempt sounds very frightening, and you sound pretty exhausted.   It's important to take care of yourself. That's not selfish or uncharitable at all. We need to make sure we're ok 51% at least so we can properly help other people with the other 49%.

There's lots of information here that is really helpful. When I read it, I thought, "No way, I'm not the only one?" A good place to start would be this article on self-care: What does it mean to take care of yourself?

Keep posting-it's really therapeutic and there's so much support and healing to be found here. Sending caring thoughts your way.

[golfina]

Dear Zorrita35

Goodness, how I recognise the feelings of rage you are experiencing. I too have a sister with BPD though she has never tried to burn the house down, and we have never lived together since childhood. I don't think she is quite such an extreme case! But those words 'You never support me' I have heard so many times, usually after a particularly intense bout of support! I am now 70 and she is 69 so I have lived with this for a long time.

Do read the articles and videos in the links on this site. They have really made me see how some of my reactions to her abuse are totally counterproductive and how not to make things worse. As I have only just seen this site, sent to me by my daughter, I haven't yet had time to put the ideas into practice, but I intend to and they feel right. In particular, not getting into debates with her over things I feel are untrue, unfair or unkind, avoiding the triggers, acknowledging her feelings, and setting limits. This is going to be particularly important as our mother, whom she cared for full-time for 4 years, has just died, leaving her overwhelmed with grief and despair. I also want to be able to support her as she gets older (she has no-one else), while being able to make the most of my and my husband's own last years. Tricky stuff.

To repeat, I really empathise with your rage and I do think the suggestions on this site will help both of you.