Has it affected the way you relate to people in general?

[justnothing]

OK, I have to admit that I've already asked about this in the Healing forum and I'm not entirely sure if it's appropriate to try here too but before I give up on this I figured I'd try asking here as well. I had been considering the personal inventory forum earlier anyway seeing as this might be more personal inventory related even though it's mostly directed at people with BPD parents… so here goes:

How (if at all) do you feel that the pwBPD in your life (especially parents) affected the way you relate to others?

I figure that a behavior pattern or emotional reaction can be either personality based (like from having BPD or BPD traits) or learned behavior that's either: trauma based, learned vicariously by observing people in your environment or directly taught by them.

The reason I'm asking is: I have a thing, which I've been noticing lately, in which I'm afraid of other people taking revenge on me in some way if I piss them off too much. I don't remember my mother being the vindictive type so I'm not entirely sure if that really came from her or not… she may have been afraid of other people taking revenge on her on a number of occasions so that might be it but I'm afraid I can't say for sure where this comes from, which is why I'm wondering if this is a common phenomenon among adult children of BPD parents.

One of the reasons I came to this site actually (or one of the contributing factors, as it were) is because a while back I had gotten involved with this guy (not romantically) whom I met online. He seemed to be going through a rut so I tried to be supportive and even sent him money on a couple of occasions when he seemed desperate for it. After a while he turned out to be a rather toxic person who had a tendency to put a lot of blame on others for his own mistakes and to actually try to take "revenge" on them for it… after a while, when this started freaking me out, I started distancing myself from him and sure enough he started harassing me online in different ways… this lasted for quite a while… (I would like to figure out more about how and why I got involved with such a person because this wasn't the only time this kind of thing happened).

So I have a tendency to be really, really afraid of people retaliating against me even over little things, maybe even paranoid about it, but considering that there's a chance, given the above, that I might be attracted to people like that, I can't say for sure whether or not it's better to be paranoid about it so long as I've got that issue (assuming I do).

I also tend to be kind of afraid of making others feel rejected. To a point that I've, on several occasions, given people the wrong impression about being interested in their company or whatnot when it was just about fear that they'll get pissed if I told them I'm not interested in their company or in letting them fix my roof or whatever.

So I'm just wondering if this kind of thing is common and what do people generally do about it if it is…

[P.F.Change]

Do you feel that you feel this fear about everyone, or mainly "toxic" people?

I have felt similar fear before, but only when it comes to the people who set off my radar. Psychopaths and narcisssists and whatnot. Your internet boyfriend would fit that category.

My T showed me that it is not so much an anxiety issue as it is a boundary issue. My anxiety was telling me I needed better boundaries. I needed to stay away from people who make me uncomfortable. I need to say no and to stop saying yes when I hadn't even been asked for help. I think because you weren't careful with boundaries, you allowed someone dangerous into your life. Not all people are vengeful users, and you can keep the ones who are away by having nothing to offer them. I have found that if someone is trying to get me to feel sorry for him, I need to stay away. I can trust better when I only allow trustworthy people into my life.

The other issue here is codependency. It sounds like you have a compulsion to be a Rescuer. Have you looked at the Karpman triangle and codependency workshops? Have you considered any boundaries about business solicitations? I do not answer the door for salespeople. I always either say no or say I will think about it anytime anyone asks me for anything. Only toxic people put up resistance--it is a good weeder-outer. Can you think of any boundaries that can help you?

What happens if you take care of your own feelings instead of everyone elses? As a child, were you punished for having feelings? Were you expected to put your parent's needs first?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[justnothing]

Do you feel that you feel this fear about everyone, or mainly "toxic" people?

I seem to have that fear about most people… and when it came to this guy (he wasn't a bf btw) there were red flags but I didn't feel any fear around him up until the point when out of the blue he suddenly did something absolutely horrible to his ex gf as "revenge" for having left him… I think you're right about the boundaries and there were signs I should have paid attention to but somehow it just seemed to come out of the blue. Somehow, for some reason, I just felt soo comfortable around him up to that point…

And yeah, I'm aware of the Karpman triangle and a couple of years ago I got very involved in codependency recovery. It helped a lot up to a certain point but at one point I stopped for a couple of reasons, one of them being fear that I wouldn't have any other (relatively "positive" way of relating to people if I didn't keep doing the Rescuer thing.

What happens if you take care of your own feelings instead of everyone elses?

mm… that's actually a rather thought provocative question… When I think back on my past relationships, in several of them I tried to play the Rescuer (which was what drew me in, in the first place) but at least one of my exes was a very distinctive Rescuer type himeself and while I was with him I suddenly became a typical toxic taker… for the most part it was as if he didn't even have needs as far as I was concerned. I guess when I encounter neediness in other people, I feel like I have to repress my own needs in order to allow them to express theirs and for my own part, it's only when others suppress theirs that I can express mine… I guess you could say that I can't fathom both me and the other person having and expressing needs both at the same time… it's as though one side "has to be the giver" and the other "has to be the taker" or else there is no "relationship"… although I guess that's not really an adult relationship but more like a parent-child model…

And yes btw, I did have to be my mother's mother at times but we sort of alternated back and forth.

Anyway, thanks for the reply. I think I need to work on this stuff a lot more…