I don't hear her voice in my head anymore

[lipsticklibrarian]

Hi Guys,

I just wanted to share with you all a wonderful experience I had last night, after writing a few e-mails to people and making dinner I lay on my bed and felt this incredible emptiness inside me it felt really strange and I couldn't understand why tonight I felt so different. Then I realised that for the first time in my life I don't have my mother and her incessant monologues playing in my mind, influencing everything I do. Somehow, over the course of the last few months I've come to terms with who she is and that the way she treated me isn't my fault which meant that my abuse has become a part of me somehow and I've managed to push her out.

I wanted to share this moment with you all because I feel I could not have acheived this feeling of peace without all your advice and support. I've deviated between knowing she has BPD and doubting myself but everytime I beleived her and her strange world I ended up getting hurt. Now I know that thinking negative things about the world is a choice and I don't want to live in her world anymore. I want a life full of love and positive people and I can make that happen because I'm smart and determined, I feel so empowered today! My mother has BPD and it's not my fault, I can live my life in any way I choose!

[ScarletOlive]

Yay lipsticklibrarian! Cutting out those negative scripts from our parents is so awesome! You go girl! 

[suninthesky]

I know the feeling. I got it after a few months away at college - and I was exponentially happier. It's so liberating, I'm glad to know someone else feels the same way, and I'm looking forward to erasing the last 4 weeks influence on me. Was there anything specific you did to help get that mental space, or advice for anyone that might be trying to get the same?

[Eeoye1]

GOOD for you, that's awesome!  You must feel great. I love the line "My mother has BPD and it is not my fault" 

Go girl!

 

[eyebrows]

this made me smile, its great to hear success stories well done!

the saying that sticks with me is that you can't run away from your problems but i think in the case of having a BPD parent you can if you're open to letting good influences in. i told my therapist i often get her voice in her head and she said she hears that a lot. i also hear the words of a good friend of mine and my boyfriend. does anyone else feel like while the harsh words are gone they're replaced by nurturing, soothing ones too?  my therapist picked up things i kept saying (ie. "it's silly but... .  " and got me to replace them with things like "it's ok because... .  " amongst other things. its really helpful and my general outlook and attitude have improved

its true that your thoughts create your own reality. i think anyone who's experienced dealing with BPD (and especially those who have seeked help) would know this better than anyone else.

[WrongWoman]

I think it's interesting what some people let go of at different times when healing from these incredibly toxic relationships.  I consider myself pretty much recovered and have been very L/C or (mostly) N/C with my mother for the last 23 years.  Despite this, one artifact that I discovered fairly recently that remains is her voice in my head.

I have always been very self-critical.  It was how I was taught to think about myself and it was pretty natural for me to hold myself to high - sometimes impossible - standards, always very critical of myself.  I am not this way with other people and my family, but have struggled internally with it for myself.  I am generally very loving and supportive of my husband and our sons and our friends, but never really believed I deserved the same break from within myself.

My therapist and I were recently talking about this lately and she asked me to reveal some of the negative "self-talk" that I still do.  When we started talking that through over several sessions, I realize that the voice isn't really my own voice; it's hers.  This realization made me determined to banish her from her last strongholds in my life:  my own brain.

Anyway, thanks for sharing that.