Bout to leave... unexpected behavior

[TheWind]

I'll try to keep this short. I learned about BPD about 2 years ago. After being undecided but applying the staying tools for a while, I finally decided it was time to leave. I applied the advice I got from Splitting, and 10 days ago, I was ready. After being more boring and detached for a few weeks, uBPDw has been making extra efforts to make life better and more comfortable for me. She has been talking about taking responsibility for how her behavior has hurt me, empathizing about how I have felt hurt and blamed, and really acknowledged for the first time ever. 10 days ago when she started a conversation about how we can be more connected and what can she do to help us be closer and me more emotionally in the R/S, I answered her (paraphrased), "I don't think there's anything else you can do. You have been perfect for a couple weeks, and I still dont' feel it, and I don't want to be married to you anymore." I was prepared in every way to leave and protect everything important and expected the worst.

She got sad, left for a couple hours for some space, then came back and renewed her empathy efforts, again acknowledged how I had felt, and begged for me to not give up yet, that she hopes it's not too late, and said she wants me, wanted to renew her faith inGod, not live through her own strength anymore, was working on forgiving me and letting go of the pain, etc.

Ever since she has basically taken away every thing i had a problem with, and is over the top with the sweetness. I am unattached and want to leave no matter what. She is not in therapy or on medication or anythng. She seems 

genuine, and has even all of a sudden said she has forgiven me for things she has been holding onto for years. My gut tells me this is to pull me back in because she is scared that I really will leave. She was a rager when she thought I wouldn't leave. She is smart and is realizing that is a reason I would leave and it doesn't work. Could it be that she is really intuitive and is giving what she thinks I want so I'll relent and stay? I shared that I feel like she is being perfect to invite me back on the crazy train just like before. She insists she wants the relationship to be different and truly not go back to the way things were. I still feel it's too late and don't want any part of even a chance of the craziness continuing. I plan on an actual exit in the next few days. Do you all think this is a cold turkey change of heart, or is she trying to manipulate me?

[GreenMango]

Brutal honesty?  I don't think you would ask her intentions if you were totally sure.  No biggie most of weren't sure.

This is a golden oppurtunity to let her show you how serious she is if you have doubts and letting her show over an extended period of time and therapy.  And I'm not talking about just fuzzy lovey marriage counseling and her niceness for now.

I'm talking about structured therapy for her individually following through consistently, your own therapy then structured marriage counseling with a pd focus eventually.  You can ask for this if she does it is another story.  It's okay to ask for things for bettering your life.

But if your done your done.

[Curvy girl]

She got sad, left for a couple hours for some space, then came back and renewed her empathy efforts, again acknowledged how I had felt, and begged for me to not give up yet,

This literally happened to me 3 days ago!

Ever since she has basically taken away every thing i had a problem with, and is over the top with the sweetness. I am unattached and want to leave no matter what. She is not in therapy or on medication or anythng.

Again story of my current life

. I honestly feel exactly where you are coming from. I thought if I had a magic wand and everything got fixed and became perfect, I'd still want to leave because all that Stuff from before happened and we can never go back.

i feel like she is being perfect to invite me back on the crazy train just like before

I don't buy it either not because I think he's intentionally manipulating me  but I think the part of him that has the intense fear of abandonment is desperate and will say and do anything to keep me here.i even believe a part of him thinks he can do this

Logically though years of emotional dysregulation, splitting, intense jealously and blind rages just can't be "switched off" overnight. We wouldn't all be here if it could. Sigh... .  

I'm interested to know how your situation goes the wind. I wish all the best.



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[TheWind]

thanks for the replies. I plan on leaving in the morning. even though I have lost all desire to be with her and work it out, I still believe like curvy girl said she is genuine and really believes she can do this. I used to comment about she just does not let things go from years ago, but here I am not letting things go. It has been years on torment, blame, and abuse, and control, lack of freedom and basic human dignity for me. I know that to be in a relationship with her means keeping it that way. she needs me to just wait and see, that now this time it's different and lasting. the other night she begged me for a commitment even though she knew how I felt. I wouldn't give it to her and said i.m done being overly optimistic and going through the motions when I don't even want to be here. after a couple hours of the most intense being I've ever seen she gave up weeping. how exhausting! I hope for the best.

[GreenMango]

It's weird being in that place when we accept the reality.  I know where you are at, I was there too. The promises, etc... .  I felt it was like the idea of being with the person is worse than living with out them.  Especially if you've rode that merry go round enough.

Hoping the best for you too.  Loving yourself is a good thing.

[TheWind]

Greem Mango, that Merry-go-round term you used is funny. The other night when she was begging and asking me waht she could do to get me to commit to her, I said "I feel like all I want do do is get on the Merry-Go-Round, and you are trying to get me to get back on the same roller coaster I've been on a hundred times... .  I don't want another ride on the same roller coaster... .  "

[GreenMango]

  its a ride either way.  Fun for a little while but living on it gets old fast.

I think I used the phrase I need this merry go round to stop.  If it isn't going to stop I've gotta get off it. 

Hard conversations when it gets to this point.

[TheWind]

Well I did it... .  sort of.

I went to work and texted her to say there was something for her in my top drawer. It was my concise letter of intent to split up. It also included my intentions for the meantime, handling living situation, kids time, finances, other things we both have to deal with on an ongoing basis. I also said for the kids sake I intend on living at home until it is final if I feel it is safe to do so. That if I felt at all there would be any abuse of anyone, property, money, or any sabotage of anything, things are in place to immediately change the situation and get the courts and law involved. But I don't want that yet, until necessary. I stated that I would not be home that night but I would the next day, and not to contact me that night. That was Tuesday.

She texted me to come home. I said no, that I did not want to discuss anything yet, and I did not want even that chance for circular, volatile, nowhere discussions. She replied she had made plans and needed to go out for an hour or so, and the kids were home. I Said ok after She promised space and no volatility, and so I go home, to listen to her plead and beg me to stay, not to give up, to give it another last chance, that things are different, that now she is in a spot to take responsibility, that she will do whatever it takes, anything at all if I just won't leave. I said after many months of doing just that and then deciding its time to go, I express that, and now you say all this? I don't buy it. You cannot turn 180 degrees on a dime after years of deeply rooted issues. And she rations that away saying she is sincere and now feels more faithful (to God) and able to handle and cope and not let her emotions get the best of her. I told her IF I was to go down that road of staying with her to work it out that we would need to discuss some things that are important to me that she was probably not going to like. I said I'm not even sure if I want to open that can of worms. She acknowledges where I'm at, and how I feel, but is still begging for a commitment to stay here and try so I can get back to that point where I want to be here.

My gut says don't trust it, my heart says run, my mind says it will be like it Wally's was-miserable, and yet I hate making her feel sad and hurt. I feel like a mean guy now because on the outside she is doing her best and changing all the bad stuff on her end and I'm still going To walk out and not give her a chance? I feel kinda bad about that. But I also feel like there have been dozens of last pushes, regrouped efforts, and it is too late.

So since she asked to discuss things, should I bring up BPD? Even without calling it that? Should I proof the papers and serve them? Or should I look at how she has violated

my every request to get me to be here at home and keep me under control and assert my boundaries?

[Curvy girl]

So since she asked to discuss things, should I bring up BPD? Even without calling it that? Should I proof the papers and serve them? Or should I look at how she has violated

my every request to get me to be here at home and keep me under control and assert my boundaries?

Oh boy... .  Here we go again. Breaking up is hard to do the wind. I'm sitting here after my big " I'm leaving" speech a week ago, having had the discussion been begged to stay, felt like a terrible person and I'm giving him a chance. A chance for what I don't know because even he were to turn into the most wonderful person in the world I'd still want to leave. Emotionally I checked out of this relationship when I decided to leave.

I suggest you proceed with the discussion if you hope something will be achieved from it. As for bringing up BPD, I don't think it's a good idea.

If you want to serve the papers then serve them.

Sometimes not making a decision is a decision within itself. I'm learning that the hard way.

I didn't really tell you what to do. I can't. Do what feels right for both of you because limbo sucks.

[bpdspell]

My gut says don't trust it, my heart says run, my mind says it will be like it Wally's was-miserable, and yet I hate making her feel sad and hurt. I feel like a mean guy now because on the outside she is doing her best and changing all the bad stuff on her end and I'm still going To walk out and not give her a chance? I feel kinda bad about that. But I also feel like there have been dozens of last pushes, regrouped efforts, and it is too late.

The gut & heart don't lie. I'd say follow it. The only thing I'm not sure is whether you're no longer in love with her or are you simply just numb from the abuse? If your feelings & desire for her are gone then it doesn't make sense to punish yourself for wanting to move on with your life. Guilt really doesn't have a space in healthy decision making. Your wife is undiagnosed mentally ill and the only thing that will help her evolve is intense therapeutic CBT help... .  help that she isn't getting and help she isn't seeking. Stick to your decision and what's best for you. You've already given her enough of your time, understanding, patience... .  she needs consequences to act for herself... .  

You're clearly a compassionate person but it's no reason to stay in a situation that's dead and never coming back. If you believe her antics are an act then I would go with the gut. People with BPD are very skilled at doing whatever it takes to avoid being abandoned. Including guilting and manipulating. She isn't a changed woman because you're foot is out the door. In fact us threatening to leave never changes them... .  it only forces them to come up with creative ways to "mimic" change until the next ___ storm kicks up for them.

We don't owe them anything. This is your life.

Spell

[TheWind]

spell, thanks for that. I am not in love with her anymore and want to move on without her. I have wanted to for a while but haven't for various reasons. I agree about the guilt. that has directed my actions for too long. I just always stay too optimistic that ok maybe this is real and is different this time. but I know from the past it has never changed so why now? well, I agree it has not, for real. she did wait until I had a foot out the door to start all this. I know she is legitimately hurting and scared and insecure. when she shared that a few weeks ago I said I would be too if I was treating m spouse that way. I just hate doing things that make others sad or mad. that has guided me too long and I appreciate all the encouragement here to stay strong and be true to myself.