12 days NC from her just got a text. Wow.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

No she hasn't asked directly but I volunteered to take her to her doc apt

Friday (she's worried) but she said her Dad will go and she will call me right when she gets out. NC again today so who knows. its BRUTAL !

Chuck

Speaking of "nudges", have you managed to NOT "volunteer" to "help" with the dog or any more of HER stuff?

The first few times you stop being "helpful" is brutal but it gets better.  

[tuum est61]

No she hasn't asked directly but I volunteered to take her to her doc apt

Friday (she's worried) but she said her Dad will go and she will call me right when she gets out. NC again today so who knows. its BRUTAL !

Chuck

Speaking of "nudges", have you managed to NOT "volunteer" to "help" with the dog or any more of HER stuff?

The first few times you stop being "helpful" is brutal but it gets better.  

[chuckstrong]

Schwing

Thank YOU! great observations and insight... .  you really have a great

handle on the intracacies of this brutal affliction BPD... .  i am trying SO hard to heed

yours and others advice here from veterans that have been down the road if you will.

its SO hard tho... .  i could read something and then turn around and do the opposite five minutes later... .  eventually i hope i tire of all this and actually move on. NO MATTER what i do she will

always have BPD. Sad but true. Maybe just maybe someday I will realize that and stick with total NC to facilitate my healing and preverve whatever sanity i may have left.

Chuck

[patientandclear]

Chuck,

For what it's worth, there's no race to start NC. When you're ready, & you'd rather deal w/that sadness than the sadness you experience with contact, do it then.  I started NC perhaps before I was ready. I had a lot of regret & uncertainty about it, which made sustaining it harder.  I sobbed and sobbed the day I sent the message saying I needed to say goodbye.

I think NC was essential for me. It prevented some really damaging & humiliating interactions and got me up off my knees. Eventually that allowed me to reconnect w/my ex on stronger terms (not saying that should or would be part of your path).

But I think maybe it would have been easier had I given myself even a few more days to start it. I wasn't quite prepared and it felt like I was wounding myself, not taking care of myself.

[tuum est61]

Listen to what P and C says about NC.  View NC as a tool, not a goal.

As I have suggested, work on "NH" (Not Helping) and validation of her feelings if she complains about the NA (New Approach). That limits the contact but doesn't enmesh you in things she is perfectly capable of handling herself.  

[chuckstrong]

Hi all:

UPDATE as follows... .  trying to heed all the great advice and guidance here

... .  seems my options are: continuing the "old pals" supportive Chuck routine or going NC and explaining to her that I need space and time in light of where she is at and i accept her feelings as they are. As much as I would

like to think option #3 (returning to inimate/romantic relationship) is possible

i am accepting the fact it is not... .  So as P&C suggested I am planning to slowly take my time to determine which of the other 2 options(NC or pals) is more pallatable for me. in the mean time I am going to attempt to be less available /helpful and lovingly detach and depersonalize the situation. We have been in contact lately every other day or so by phone and freqently by text. She is having a medical procedure today she is quite worried about (i offered earlier to take her) so this morning i sent her a brief text wishing her luck... .  she responded with the following text:

" Thank Youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu! You are too kind to me. I am

   undeserving. o."

SO, thats where we are at. Its so draining and tiring. I am drained. I am

tired. But, Ill keep reading keep learning keep accepting and keep moving forward. it was 5 months ago today she emailed me she was breaking up with me for the third time. Hard to believe this continues after all that time but from what ive read here it seems that sometimes it NEVER ends... .  God bless all of us here and thanks everyone for all the love and support!

Chuck

[patientandclear]

What she responded there (you are too kind/I am undeserving) is her core believe, in a nutshell.

Your approach sounds good.

[Dark star]

Hello everyone,.

I am quite new to posting on this wonderful website... .  although I have been lurking around and reading/devouring all the advice and information from all your very eloquent, articulate, wise and learned posts

I really am seriously impressed and overawed at the understanding here, of the intricacies involved in BPD.

I know I have found a totally safe and supportive place here... .  and that feels good.

I feel I have been through hell too,... .  but what a relief to have found so many people who have been on the same horrific roller coaster ride as me, and for me to realise now, that I am not mistaken in the things I have been experiencing during life with my pwBPD over the past years.

Chuck, all your posts mirror EXACTLY what I have been and AM still going through. It's as though you have posted all the details of MY story!

I have been dealing with this now for almost 7 years... .  and am at the moment a couple of days NC with my BPDexGF. OH! Speak of the devil... .  she just emailed me as I write... .  to thank me for the parcel she just received from me for her birthday on Tuesday.

We have broken up so many times now, that I have lost count. She lives in another European country, and we have been in a long distance r/s since 2006. (I live in England)

Almost every time I have been over there, she has broken up with me during my stay.

She has even told me a couple of times that she finds it ':)isgusting' that I love her as much as I do.

I need not give you anymore background, as, if you have read Chuck's posts... .  then he has told you exactly what has happened with me... .  for a long long time.

And you know what? I am STILL doing the same thing... .  longing for her to text me again after HER decision to go NC.

I have done this time and time again.

Text and occasional email is the only way she will communicate. I daren't call her... .  she doesn't want that.

But for the first time (on Monday last) I used the tools that I have been learning here, and did not engage with her as I would have previously, when she said in a text... .  after many weeks of really good communication... that she was in a mood and thinks our r/s is 'weird'... .  full of fear (both of us) and reluctance (her) ... .  oh, and that you cannot really call it a r/s as we don't really know WHAT the hell it is.

All I did was validate her feelings, said I was sorry for her mood, and that I will always love her, but was not going to hassle her, and would just leave it there. Then she thanked me.

I felt SO good about my self for doing that... .  

But over the days, I am still looking at my phone all the time, still feel like I am in a maze, not knowing which way to turn... .  or just standing still because I feel I am hemmed in with nowhere left to go.

She IS like a drug to me, I feel I will never really live my life if she is not in it... .  I feel like I am in continual mourning, and that I will never ever get over her.

She has been absolutely adorable at times, and very scary at other times... .  just with her 'silences'

I really know SO VERY WELL how you feel, Chuck.

The advice and information on this particular topic from you guys, as been so very helpful for me to read today.

I am going to try to stay calm and detached (with love) and maybe eventually try some of the tools suggested here, if given the chance .

A lot of times I think that NOTHING has got to be better than the crumbs that I get thrown from her, and then when there is NC... .  I think that a few crumbs would be better than NOTHING! It's crazy, I MUST BE CRAZY! 

When we first fell in love, with her consent, I sadly broke the news to my then partner that I was breaking up with her because I had fallen in love with (now exgfwBPD)

I told GF that I was now free... .  and what did she do?... .  the next day she ran away and rendered herself uncontactable for the whole day and night.

I should have heeded the red flag then and there. :'(.

Thanks for listening xx

[chuckstrong]

Dark star and everyone

Thanks for the post(s)!... .  its amazing the similarities on our situations here on these boards... .  so many people suffering SO much pain... .  it feels for me on this dreary Monday after Super Bowl that things are bleak at best but I gotta dust myself off and move forward... .  I would like to do that as soon as I can. But... .  I'm held back by my longing still for my BPDxgf with whom I still have communication with. I think its helping her and hurting me. We talked via phone and shared tons of texts this weekend but again the tenor is that of two old friends sharing some laughs. While I realize that friendship is the basis of any good relationship and hope is the back of my mind it could

springboard us back to a romantic r/s it feels more frustrating than anything

like she's doing me this huge favor continuing to be in contact. i'm the one doing her a favor! I need to stop. Not in a NC forever kind of way cause that

felt sucky too but maybe in a indifferent aloof weaning of sorts... .  is that possible? or is it all or nothing. Logic tells me that i've BEEN weaning for the past 5 months since our last break-up and if I haven't done it by now I never

will. Today I am again checking my phone and somewhat sad she isn't reaching out to me after I talked to her and her daughter (age10) on the phone last evening... .  I just cant go on like this... .  its literally killing me... .  I pray someday I post here that I am healing moving forward and have finally come to terms with this brutal affliction she has known as BPD... .  I feel like a broken record on here and that this post could have been( and probably was) written by me a month ago ... .  3 months ago ... .  5 months ago... .  its crazy. I feel crazy... .  but I know that so many of you are going thru the

EXACT same thing so that brings me comfort and some peace... .  

God Bless you all here at BPD Family ... .  We ARE going to make it thru this!.

Thoughts/Comments/Suggestions always welcome. Thanks!

Chuck

 

[Mike_confused]

4 days without a text either way from BPD wife... .  haven't seen her in two and a half weeks.   5 days ago she called to tell me all the troubles she is having.  she reminds me not to worry becuase things aren't my problem anymore (said she wanted a divorce three weeks ago).  She followed the phone call with a series of txts explaining to me how I am ruining her health.  She is having back surgery late this month.  She says I stress her out to the point that it has caused all her health problems.

The poor girl has no idea what stress is since she has been with me - I have carried that burden.  I guess BPD's do die a thousand deaths.

[chuckstrong]

Good luck there Confused Mike... .  sounds like you have your hands full

like the rest of us here... .  hang tough man... .  im having a hard time just because I haven't heard anything since bedtime last night... .  its crazy dude... .  

NC sucks... .  LC sucks... .  basically anything associated with BPD sucks it seems to me... .  

Chuck

[morningagain]

Because chances are, she has been this way for the entire duration of your relationship.  A broken clock is right twice a day.


Why not just think of yourself as "addicted" to this girl?  How much heroin do you need to take before you stop being addicted to heroin?  What is your equivalent of methadone?


Actually I would argue that you are being "perfect" for her.  The "perfect" person for her is a person whose life she can come into and out of whenever it suits her.  And as long as she has a large enough supply of these "perfect" people, she doesn't ever have to face her own problems because she can just keep cycling between different people.  In a sense, people are her drug to use to avoid having to face her problems.


Why are you leaving it up to her?

Scwhing - great post - a few things stuck with me

Chuck - not sure how much or if my comments/experiences might help, but here goes:

"a broken clock is right twice a day" - yeah, that feels about right.  or to put it another way, 8 yrs of marriage, and that (eventually) periodic but very sporadic positive reinforcement amidst all the pain and betrayal and broken values and shifting sands held me in

"what is your equivalent to methadone?" - almost 6 months since the separation, and LC with her in which I am able to hold some boundaries, yet she asks to reconcile - I have not said yes and am committed to not say yes - but the addiction was brought back.  Being on the fringes of the relationship is my 'methadone'.  Still a drug, less unhealthy than heroin (being IN the r/s, "all in", but without another methadone fix (been NC for 4 days), the pain and confusion of withdrawal is back - albeit muted.  Now, she hasn't connected again since ?Thursday?, though she left a message for me with an employee today that she is "low on minutes" on her cell phone.  Praying that I have the strength that I will not continue to participate in her betrayal of her bf  (upside down, inside out, with a few twists - I am 'cheating' WITH my own wife?) - and more than that, I need to tell her no to reconciliation that neither of us is healthy enough for this relationship.  That we need to proceed with divorce.  Will I even bother floating the "I wish you would get into a serious - even residential - treatment program?"  I dunno - she is a big girl and can and needs to decide this on her own.  Knowing that I want anything from her - even if it is clearly for her - becomes a leverage point for her to attempt manipulations.  frustrating and sad.

"why are you leaving it up to her?" -- oof da - been doing that for 8 and a half years - hard habit to break.  Took my first steps by not agreeing to reconciliation (worse yet - recycling).  By not calling her back after she did not respond to my call (there had been long periods of NC - she re initiated contact)  I have decided that we will not discuss our relationship while she is living with another man.  I have decided we will not discuss our relationship while she is not in serious treatment (either the 4 hrs per day she was prescribed or better yet residential).  I have decided to start down the path of divorce.  I have decided that, barring some miracle, that even with treatment, I do not want the loneliness of being married to someone that cannot return love in a way that I can recognize.  Can treatment change that in her?  I have my doubts.  Actually, I do not believe it WILL happen.

I need to ditch the methadone - get back out of the fringes of the relationship.  I am addicted to cigarettes, and the start of a quitting cycle sucks - the first hour or two or four is doable.  After that it starts to get more difficult with periods of near overwhelming compulsion.  Once stopped for over a day, I get blindsided.  That is usually when I go buy a pack - because I am not prepared for the sudden compulsions.  Quit for a week?  Oh... .  just one cig, just one drag - result?  back to the more intense cycles of craving.  i hear i need to replace the behavior of smoking with something healthy.  nothing i can do about the physical addiction but go through withdrawal, but it is the behavioral addiction that is the longest lasting and sneakiest to bite you.  after breaking that - by replacing with healthy behaviors - you can still get sucked back in by one dam#ed cigarette. Well - breaking the addiction to my BPD wife takes way longer, is more complex, more difficult, more painful - the addiction to her is unhealthy, destructive to me, to others, resulting in a toxic dump that used to be my life.  The dump is maybe half cleaned up after almost 6 months.  I will not go back to that drug and refill myself and my life to overflowing with toxins.  Gonna keep cleaning me up, my life.  I can't clean hers up while mine is getting barrels of green radioactive ooze dumped in it.  I clean mine.  She has to clean up hers.

[morningagain]

Wow - I just compared my relationship with my stbxBPDw with:

  Addiction to Heroin, and

  Addiction to Methadone, and

  Addiction to Cigarettes, and

  A toxic dump site

Sad to say - that sounds like it is getting closer to the truth

"I will not go back to that drug and refill myself and my life to overflowing with toxins.  Gonna keep cleaning me up, my life.  I can't clean hers up while mine is getting barrels of green radioactive ooze dumped in it.""

I have to break my own addictions.  I have to clean up my own life.  I cannot break her addictions for her or clean up her life for her.

[chuckstrong]

Hang in there michael 999

... .  the drugs comparison is a good one... .  i feel

like i NEED contact with her every day not that we have been talking/texting alot since Jan13 (12 days NC before that)... .  its so hard not to initiate now

especially when she has cooled off considerably the past few days... .  al her xh and medical crisises have subsided some im guessing so she doesnt need my support... .  who cares what i need! ... .  she knows i need the LC banter and to hear from her but she excruciatingly leaves me hanging and i have been intitiating alot against my better judgement... .  TODAY i am determined not to pursue... .  not to call... .  not to text... .  not to send her a funny ecard... .  she will be shocked i think if i can make it thru the day and especially the night without doing so... .  we have basically said (like good friends) "good night" every day the past 3 weeks... .  we are also 2 days away from a "no kids" weekend so it will be intesting what if anything happens this weekend... .  i KNOW i MUST do something/anything different cause shes just keeping me hanging in an empty quasi-relationship for her own needs... .  time i started(sound like a broken record i know) looking after my needs... .  

ole time/recoil/P&c/seashells/johnny o/schwing/CIF/OTC et al. please set me straight here!

thanks

Chuck

[patientandclear]

Chuck,

What you are feeling is the reason why I ended all contact w/my uBPDex after we decided not to try again to be in a romantic r/s on the advice of his T. Supposedly he was going to learn to be alone. Almost as soon as he'd proposed getting back together, he has another sort of emotional cave in, which scared me, & it seemed we were on a path to hurting each other a lot more if things didn't get figured out.

I said I could be in touch initially, & we tried that.  But it was super painful for me for all the reasons you're saying. I wanted more, & each time he didn't reciprocate that, it hurt & shocked me all over again. I was on a course of turning into a bowl of jello. I ended up lovingly but briefly explaining that I needed to find my way on my own if he couldn't be my partner. As I've told you, I wish I'd waited even a few more days to actually deliver that msg, because I wasn't quite prepared for the sorrow that I then experienced.  But I really had to do it.  For my own self-respect, and frankly, to honor what had been between us, I had to stop actively hoping it would be different, & especially, actively trying to somehow "win" him through my words & actions. Horribly distorting process.

As you know we're in touch now, but there was almost a year of complete NC in the meantime. It's still not easy for me, but it is fun too.  I had to regain my self-respect & sense that I do not need him, in order to be able to enjoy what he CAN give me, if that makes sense.  I don't think you're in a place to benefit from what she can give you--it just all feels inadequate.  Because of NC, most of the time now, I can feel gratefuk for the grace of getting back to a basically good, caring, loving, complicated, ambiguous r/s w/my pwBPD.  Could not have gone directly there--no way.

[chuckstrong]

Hang in there michael 999

... .  the drugs comparison is a good one... .  i feel

like i NEED contact with her every day now that we have been talking/texting alot since Jan13 (12 days NC before that)... .  its so hard not to initiate now

especially when she has cooled off considerably the past few days... .  al her xh and medical crisises have subsided some im guessing so she doesnt need my support... .  who cares what i need! ... .  she knows i need the LC banter and to hear from her but she excruciatingly leaves me hanging and i have been intitiating alot against my better judgement... .  TODAY i am determined not to pursue... .  not to call... .  not to text... .  not to send her a funny ecard... .  she will be shocked i think if i can make it thru the day and especially the night without doing so... .  we have basically said (like good friends) "good night" every day the past 3 weeks... .  we are also 2 days away from a "no kids" weekend so it will be intesting what if anything happens this weekend... .  i KNOW i MUST do something/anything different cause shes just keeping me hanging in an empty quasi-relationship for her own needs... .  time i started(sound like a broken record i know) looking after my needs... .  

W

ole time/recoil/P&c/seashells/johnny o/schwing/CIF/OTC et al. please set me straight here!

thanks

Chuck

[morningagain]

Chuck,

Have you figured out what your values are?  What boundaries you permitted her to cross?  Which of your values you trampled on yourself in order to avoid the consequences of her behavior?  What did you fear from her?

Take her out of the equation - what are your values and boundaries?  What would you accept from other people in terms of behavior and boundary crossing?  If your boundaries were crossed, how would you respond to anyone else?  What would you like your boundaries to be vs. what do you actually do?

To the extent you can write these out - they are all interrelated - folks here may be able to help clear some of the F.O.G. for you.

As far as this weekend or any day in the future, until you know and put in practice your values and boundaries, you simply are vulnerable to her (and to anyone else).  It seems for me that in order to start practicing holding my boundaries and living by my values, I have had to remove myself from the "near occasion of boundary crossing".  I gotta lift the 50 lb weight for awhile and gain strength before I can move on to the 75lb or 100 lb weight.

Get strong, brother.  That is how you look after your own needs.

Michael

[Moving On Better Places]

Chuck,

It's better to be alone, than to be with someone who will degrade you, devalue you, and throw you to the curb over and over again.   

I know what you're going through - my BPD (w/NPD traits) ex-girlfriend pulled me in and kicked me away for 8 months or so. 

I finally got so angry at her, with her lies, with her other guy "friends" and her negativity, that I mirrored her - I made it seem like I had 2-3 women going, that I was too busy to talk with her, that SHE was 3rd or 4th to ME.  She got so jealous.  She showed herself to be the biggest hypocrite I had ever seen.  It was OK for HER to have 3-4 single guy "friends" to talk with every day, but OH NO, I couldn't do it.  Wow, these cluster b's are truly out of touch with reality. 

Yes, it felt good to get some revenge - I enjoyed it. 

[chuckstrong]

Hi Everyone

My roller coaster ride continues--- and like many here I have wondered out

loud "does it EVER end"?... .  I guess if you make up your mind enough is enough and initiate and stick to TOTAL NC I guess eventually it might. I, despite the "Chuckstrong" moniker truly feel like "Chuckweak" as I literally cannot resist her texts/calls/emails. Even though its an excruciating "old pals" type interaction. I STILL walk on eggshells like I did when things were "good" and am constantly afraid any comment about sex or how wonderful our relationship WAS will send her scurrying again. Of course, like with most BPD's the double standard is firmly in place. She sent me a pic of me from our Newport trip telling me "I like this one" the other day via text and that she was moving some of "our" pics from her phone to her laptop. WHAT? If I did that it would be pursuing and trigger a pullback from her. So even now its an unfair relationship frought with double standards.

So, now I it here typing this, thinking about this, thinking about her, wasting so much time and energy on something I know cannot and will not work. Why?  Beside being co-dependent and a good hearted person why the heck do I refuse to detach refuse to move on?. I know she is hanging in this quasi-relationship just in case something better doesn't come around. I am tired of being her lapdog whipping boy and know what I SHOULD do but WHY please tell me WHY I refuse to do it?. I do take solace in the fact many here have it worse than me and have suffered in similar fashion for longer but it still

doesn't change my situation.

Right now this very second (after she called and we had a very nice 30 min convo last night) all I can think about is texting or emailing or calling her. Or

worse mailing her a Valentine's Day card. And one for her daughter (10) while i'm at it. What's wrong with me?

I am an addict. I am addicted to my pwBPDxgf. I need to find a way to hop

of the roller coaster and break this toxic bond. Any ideas? I have probably

heard most of them but always needing another reminder (or two).

Thanks everyone!

Chuck

[tuum est61]

Chuck - IMHO you are beating yourself up too much about the contact.  You are in contact and that is simply where you are at right now.

Staying, leaving, or undecided though you can still maintain boundaries - without NC. And you can look after yourself.

What did you decide not to do for her lately?

What did you decide to do for you lately?

[Moving On Better Places]

Chuck, from my experience, you will eventually get to the place where you want to be.  It might take a few more "push n pulls" but you will get there.  It took me about 15 rounds (yes, 15 times of my BPD sucking me in and dumping me) before I began to really get a good handle on the situation. 

The feelings are our big problem - we logically KNOW it's wrong, but those deep feelings keep pulling us into irrational thought processes. 

 

When I get tempted to contact my BPD, I try to come on this forum first, because there is always someone posting something that makes me remember that my BPD is REALLY A BPD, and she is NOT a normal woman. 

Hang in there, fight the good fight... .  

[Gaslit]

Normally, this is normal!

Right now this very second (after she called and we had a very nice 30 min convo last night) all I can think about is texting or emailing or calling her. Or

worse mailing her a Valentine's Day card. And one for her daughter (10) while i'm at it. What's wrong with me?

I am an addict. I am addicted to my pwBPDxgf. I need to find a way to hop

of the roller coaster and break this toxic bond. Any ideas?

There is an addictive part maybe, but there is also just the simple fact that you are fighting your instincts. That is, what you would normally do if you were dating.

You are not dating. And she is BPD, so she is sending you mixed messages, in turn, triggering your natural instincts to send a card, etc., as-if you were dating. Heck, triggering you just to be nice even!

But you know if you are nice, normal, she will push you away. You are fighting with yourself.

This is the un-win-able part. There are ways to flip the dynamic, get her to chase, but you wouldn't like it, and the second you were yourself, you would go back to the above. It is not you. It is her.

It hurts your head because it is un-win-able.

[Moving On Better Places]

You are not dating. And she is BPD, so she is sending you mixed messages, in turn, triggering your natural instincts to send a card, etc., as-if you were dating. Heck, triggering you just to be nice even!

But you know if you are nice, normal, she will push you away. You are fighting with yourself.

That is pure brilliance, Gaslit... .  

The fight within the self- and it is quite a fight indeed... .  

Half of me hates her, and knows it's no good... .  

Half of me loves her, and will do anything for her... .  

Which side will be the victor?

That which brings the most rewards, and causes the least punishment (according to B.F. Skinner)

[OKluvsCA]

I feel your pain brother. I've never in my life felt so drained and emotionally wasted.

I am at the point where I'm willing to let go completely if something doesn't give soon. It is freaking me out and yet life is so much more peaceful without her in it.

She left with no contact for two months and then freaked out that I had any contact with any other girls while she was gone. Turns out the day she left she hooked up with her ex-husband and had been with him the whole time. She saw him the night before I she contacted me again and went out on a date with someone else the night I saw her first. So freaking hipocritical... .  

I wish you the best. I'm reading a great book, Codependent No More, that is helping me greatly.

Just remember. You are not alone and take care of yourself first. She may or may not be around for much longer but you are stuck with you. 

[chuckstrong]

Thank you everyone

It is a struggle for sure... .  today being Vday gonna be tough... .  we( me and uBPD xgf) have been texting today basically about a job interview I had today... .  no mention of Vday gonna be SO hard not to send her a Vday ecard or text a   to her but... .  As many have told me here not a good idea to profess ant love or good will as to push her further away... .  so what's the sense then? why do we bother at this point? let them do work if they want we need to be busy getting stronger without them... .  so lets do it!

My wish for everyone here is to celebrate today as self love day! Lets all love ourselves first and foremost and let the chips fall where they may.

Chuck (getting stronger)

[chuckstrong]

Oh well

Had to do it... .  sent her a ecard... .  very generic... .  said" Happy Valentines Day o "

got a text response 5 minutes later " got your ecard. thanks. happy valentines day to you too"

despite what I perceive to be a very ICY response im still glad I sent it

she sent me 4 or 5 texts earlier in the day no mention of VD ... .  keep in mind i'm not even a huge VD fan but I will be dammed if I was gonna let her off the hook totally on this... .  last year we had an incredible VD

thought maybe it would prompt another NC request/pullback but at this point

I really don't give a f*** im SO tired of the pals thing... .  im gonna have to do it soon if she doesn't do it for me... .  tell her I want more... .  she's not giving it to me so bye-bye... .  do I have the stones? could I stick with it?

maybe and yes if I want to save my life and sanity

Happy Valentine's Day everyone... .  thank God less than 4 hours left of it!

Chuck

[patientandclear]

Hi Chuck.

Just want to ask, gently, why you "had to" do it.  What it means to "let her off the hook."  Having sent it, is she now on the hook?

I guess I am urging you to be more intentional and less impulsive in your communications here.  You are crossing a boundary of sorts that she has sort of set (I know, she's been murky, but she has broken up with you, so at the least, she is saying she doesn't want to be romantic partners, at least for now).  It's not likely to make you feel better or to make her transform her position into one more to your liking.

":)o not pursue a withdrawing pwBPD" is, I think, a rule on which there is pretty much complete consensus on the leaving, staying & undecided boards!  Doesn't help, no matter what your objective.

Happy V-Day to you.  It's just a day.  Don't give it so much power, K?

[Moving On Better Places]

Had to do it... .  sent her a ecard... .  very generic... .  said" Happy Valentines Day o "

got a text response 5 minutes later " got your ecard. thanks. happy valentines day to you too"

More than I got, Chuck. 

I only received a "Same to you. Thank you."   

[chuckstrong]

P and C

you are right ... .  I need to pull back some... .  she just called around 1130 I

guess she couldn't sleep... .  we had a nice chat and she thanked me for the card... .  but you are so so right... .  I need to chill... .  got caught up in the V day

for some reason... .  thanks for helping to keep me grounded... .  



MOBP

I kno its so so hard... .  hang in there... .  I will get better somehow... .  


Chuck

[patientandclear]

Just to be compassionate here for a minute, she sounds like she is in a very confused place.  She can't get comfortable in any position, it seems.  Feels bad being too close with you, feels bad being too separate from you.  It can't be easy.

[tuum est61]

Just to be compassionate here for a minute, she sounds like she is in a very confused place.  She can't get comfortable in any position, it seems.  Feels bad being too close with you, feels bad being too separate from you.  It can't be easy.

As Ive gotten a handle on my own emotions, I've sure taken more of a notice of my W's discomfort with hers. I really sense her anxiety over her conflicting feelings of wanting to be close - but not too close - since I can't be trusted.

Yeah, I suffer but I can rationalize and accept it.  I don't like it but the situation is not fed by any uncertainties on my end. She, however is in constant emotional turmoil - it has to really suck.  

It's honestly not hard to validate her confusion and bad feelings at all.