12 days NC from her just got a text. Wow.

[chuckstrong]

So, today a few texts during the day and

a bunch late night where she tells me she's

taking the kids and the dog and headed to

Maine to see her mother for the weekend .

Was the first night in last 5 that I didn't get

a late night call. She joked a lot but her

coldness when saying good night frustrated

me and when I think back to how we used to

say good night it makes me sick to my stomach

and cry like I am now as I go to bed. I just

gotta face the facts. She has BPD and the honeymoon

stage ain't ever coming back. Face it Chuck

please and move forward. The daily contact is

nice and somewhat validating but it's not enough.

LC as "pals" still sucks tho but so does NC. I need

to radically accept those are the only two choices

available to me now. FC ( full contact)appears gone

forever. Makes me so so sad. This 5.5 months has

been so brutal. I need to heal. I need to move forward.

The sick part is as I do she will try and pull me back

in. How does anyone ever break free ? I am going to

sleep now but rest assured I'll wake up and text her

"drive careful " have a safe trip" . I literally cannot help

myself. Thanks for listening everyone. Gonna close my

eyes now and hope when I wake this has been a long

bad dream and she will be next to me when I wake up .

I'm guessing that's unlikely to happen. Sad. So sad.


Chuck

[mssomebodynice]

This has really be so torcherous for you, and all of us.  They are like the ultimate addiction for us non's.  I really want to scrape this person from my mind.  The pain has subsided a little since it has been two months.  Two months?  We have the greatest time ever and thats it?  I guess the answer is yes.  Some days are still not so good but I can say it is a little better.  I don't cry during the day and I also don't cry at all every day.  It is deep pain that these people can cause and that is why I have read so much about these people in reference to being 'dangerous'.  I want to keep moving forward in my healing.  Having the clarity of the illness is helpful but not enough for me to walk away and never look back.  I have to own my illness in that my wanting a relationship with this person who has devalued me is wrong.  I am obviously still very ill.  I too, no longer wish to be 'host' to this parasite.  Hugs.

[Moving On Better Places]

Just remember, your BPDex will do the same to the next person, and the next person, and the next person... .  

It's better to go through it now, than to go through it later. 

I'm in the same boat as both of you, and I learned I need to keep telling myself things like this to persevere and stay sane. 

[Leaf]

Hi Chuckstrong,

I'm successfully detaching now. For me NC only worked if I was furious.

I remember one time my BPDbf (now ex) was fixing up the house of an ex of his and he wanted me to help him, for free of course. I think I helped him with that for five days or so and on the last day I arrived a little later than he apparently expected and his evil twin appeared to tell me how selfish I was and that I never did anything for other people etc. I got so angry I knew I had to get away from this monster, but I also knew I wasn't angry enough to do it. He can't help it BPD blah blah.

So I went and looked for something to make me angrier. I looked for evidence that he was or had been cheating on me, something my gut knew but I never had wanted to face. Now I wanted to face it to make me angrier! Cheating is the deal breaker for me, I can take anything but not that. So I looked in his computer and found out he had been cheating. Then I got furious and then I went NC. The adrenaline helped me keep it up and I could detach and become stronger. That was last summer, went back that time though, but it helped.

At the beginning of this year he was telling me how disgusting he found me while sending an e-mail to another woman that he liked her very much. I'm so glad I installed that key-logger! It made me furious, I threw him out and went NC for two weeks. I got out from under his spell and noticed I felt better by myself.

Then when I felt strong enough I reacted to a nice email of his and we went to LC. Some texts and emails, out to dinner once a week and straight back home by myself. Weird thing is, because of the two weeks of NC on angry adrenaline (crying spells in between of course), I had detached from him so well already that I started seeing him in a different light. After two weeks of NC and four weeks of LC I don't even find him very attractive anymore. I had never thought that would be possible as he is extremely attrractive, hordes of woman following him. I see his fragmented BPD inside shining through clearly now. An lying alien shape shifted into an handsome man, something like that.

Chuck, maybe you can find a deal breaker you can try to face. For instance: do you think she's celibate?

What also helped me detach was to write down the pro's and cons in four lists like this:

WITH BF   WITHOUT BF

Pro       Pro

... .        ... .  

Contra   Contra

... .        ... .  

Keeps you from going back and forth. Just look at the list and you know where it's at. Good luck, you'll get there eventually, takes time.

[chuckstrong]

Chuckstrong update

Been talking and texting some last few days while she's in Maine with the kids visiting her Mom... .  She called at least once everyday there with some night text banter as well... .  Last nights texts were not the usual food/kids/general updates... .  she said " I'm trying so so so hard not to turn to you every day/night for emotional support as well as whatever f***ed up reason I still depend on you unfairly... .  probably because you remind me that I am desireable. Ho hum. I'm sorry."

Then later she texted " D10 asked if we would call you tonight. I couldn't so no. is that okay? having a hard time emotionally. Feeling like a chump. sorry"

Of course I respond with a loving a supportive text and say of course please do call... .  she and D10 call and we laugh and giggle for 20 min till she says she's falling asleep good night... .  at least half the nights past 2 or 3 weeks she calls late night to say "good night"... .  but during the day we usually have little or no contact.

The whole thing continues to be SO SO SO frustrating and dehibilitating but

I cannot shake the addiction... .  

So?  what do you all read into the aforementioned texts?

Please chime in and let me know what you all think!  Thanks!

Chuck

[patientandclear]

I dunno Chuck.  That would  be really hard for me, too.  With that much of an open door, maybe it's time to ask her what she really thinks she wants at this point?  Have you two done couples therapy before?  Maybe she'd be willing to be in conversations about what would be needed for your r/s to work for both of you. Seems like you both have a strong longing for continued connection.

Or have you already talked about that?

[chuckstrong]

P & C

no we haven't been to therapy. I would like to maybe go the route you suggest but I'm afraid of pushing her back into her shell... .  she may say" see

you don't get it we aren't getting back together lets go NC again etc. etc."

what appears like a potential open door to me or you im not sure is to her

so ill continue to support her and lovingly stay in the periphery till maybe she

makes a move that will leave NO DOUBT she wants to explore options for reconciliation or progress... .  im just afraid that her emotions change with the wind and today it will be a different story and like I said ill push her away... .  bout to text her " hope you have a safe trip home" as shes probably more than halfway back now... .  

maybe I should just roll the dice and do what you said because im just spinning my wheels now... .  JUST( an 1/2 ago)got a job offer in the town next to hers SO it looks like ill be driving thru her town every day now if I accept it! Wait till she hears this?

Oh boy P&C the drama continues!

Chuck


PS... .  my response to her texts last night was " don't be sorry.as you most likely know I still love and care about you and yes you are very desireable to me. I would let you know if it was a problem. you know you can always turn to me. so no apologies please"

so... .  P and C what you think too much? not enough?

.

[tuum est61]

Okay - chiming in.

One of the biggest challenges to being in a relationship with a pwBPD is not necessarily dealing with their emotions, rather it's dealing with yours - and one of them being your response to irrationality and double standard and just plain perplexing behavior.

I have reached a stage that I no longer have an emotional response to craziness (for the most part) after spending some time documenting it and studying it, and agonizing about the craziness, I kinda needed to "move on".  For some thats leaving.  For me it's being a new place I never thought I'd ever be.

If your partner didn't have BPD - just was a bit confused about her relationship with you - how strange would her behavior of late actually be?  She apparently cares for you, her kids like you, and you are "good" for them. What happened on the phone was okay, Chuck - stop beating yourself up over it.  

Now, getting back to her BPD,  

" I'm trying so so so hard not to turn to you every day/night for emotional support as well as whatever f***ed up reason I still depend on you unfairly... .  probably because you remind me that I am desireable. Ho hum. I'm sorry."

How did you actually respond to that - ie do you recall what words you used?  

[chuckstrong]

yes tuum I posted my response to that text above in my message to p and c

chuck

[tuum est61]

yes tuum I posted my response to that text above in my message to p and c

chuck

PS... .  my response to her texts last night was " don't be sorry.as you most likely know I still love and care about you and yes you are very desireable to me. I would let you know if it was a problem. you know you can always turn to me. so no apologies please"

This?  I am going to challenge you a bit.  How validating was this for her?

[chuckstrong]

Tuum

Im sure it was very validating for her... .  But its my typical puppy dog kiss ___ response that i just cant help myself from doing... .  But I do still love her and care about her and with normal people you tell them right? I'm addicted to her still. She knows it and so do I. So does everyone here. I need to stop. But the proverbial catch 22 is when I do she turns up the heat reels me back in and the process starts all over again. It never really ends with BPD. Sad. So patently sad.

[tuum est61]

Hi Chuck,

I challenged you because I can see you are stuck - not hopelessly though - notwithstanding you are apparently a hopeless romantic  

You aren't stuck because you love her - are "addicted" to her - but because you aren't adjusting your approach to her - which you admit frequently (eg. puppy dog kiss ___ response)

Your response to her text was, in fact, very invalidating.  

In one long run on sentence you told her not to be sorry (twice), not to worry about whether you love her, and that she shouldn't feel undesirable.  And since you were silent about her feeling she is relying on you unfairly, you invalidated that feeling too. (BTW - she IS depending on you unfairly)

Chuck, to get some change here, you need to change how you respond; you need to change your approach to communcation  - specifically you need figure out what validation is and apply it.  I am going to suggest you do some - or more - reading on it - and let me know what you think.  

Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it

And because this thread has reached 4 pages, I'm going to put a lock on it. Feel free to start a new thread on validation - or No Contact again - if you want - but hopefully you will see the value of moving on to a new "NC" - "New Communcation" - using validation.