I don't think I can do this anymore

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

He's gone no contact. AGAIN. The first time, I know that my beginning chemo was a trigger. The second time, almost entirely my fault. The third, again, I started losing my hair and he was triggered. This last time? I have no earthly idea. I did nothing except refuse to fight with him. I was calm, supportive and validating but he managed to become angry with me anyway, in the absence of any reason at all except that his mother had upset him. Which I understood! But given that it wasn't about me at all, and that there was nothing in our text exchange that he could look back on and assign any "blame" to me, why is he still punishing me?

Not a single word, text or email in almost a week. I'm sick, exhausted and I just can't take it anymore. I don't want to have to "detach" or "go on with my everyday life" until he decides to stop being mad at me for something HE did. I don't want to have to worry about this anymore.

I do wrong, I'm punished with silent treatment, I apologize, he starts talking again.

HE does wrong, I'm punished with silent treatment, I apologize, he sometimes apologizes, he starts talking again.

The silent treatment is starting to feel like abuse and I'm no longer capable of bearing responsibility for problems I didn't cause. One day, he's amazed at how good I am to him and declares how he doesn't do enough to make me feel appreciated. The next, I'm selfish because I express that I'd like to talk to him on the phone as opposed to text that day. That I'm never satisfied and he can't do anything right where I'm concerned. This from a pwBPD who was diagnosed and has been in treatment for a year.

If we lived closer... .  if I weren't sick... .  maybe I could do what it takes to make this work. But as it is, we rarely see each other and my illness is kicking the ___ out of me. I have nothing left to pour into his bottomless well when what he reciprocates with is so small and infrequent.

I'm so confused and don't know what to do. Maybe he won't ever contact me again... .  would solve a lot of problems, that's for sure. But I'm guessing that he will, so what do I do?

I care for him so deeply and don't want to hurt him any more than he's already been hurt. He's made great progress and I don't want to be the impetus for another crash or more self harm (which he hasn't done in a long while).

Do I send an email and if so, what do I say? If not that, how do I respond to the inevitable text? My feeling about what I should do now change about every 30 seconds or so. We should have never tried to be more than friends... .  it worked as friends... .  I should have been more responsible there. I wish we could go back but I doubt he will agree to that. This is all my fault.

[kl315]

He's gone no contact. AGAIN. The first time, I know that my beginning chemo was a trigger. The second time, almost entirely my fault. The third, again, I started losing my hair and he was triggered. This last time? I have no earthly idea. I did nothing except refuse to fight with him. I was calm, supportive and validating but he managed to become angry with me anyway, in the absence of any reason at all except that his mother had upset him. Which I understood! But given that it wasn't about me at all, and that there was nothing in our text exchange that he could look back on and assign any "blame" to me, why is he still punishing me?

Not a single word, text or email in almost a week. I'm sick, exhausted and I just can't take it anymore. I don't want to have to "detach" or "go on with my everyday life" until he decides to stop being mad at me for something HE did. I don't want to have to worry about this anymore.

I do wrong, I'm punished with silent treatment, I apologize, he starts talking again.

HE does wrong, I'm punished with silent treatment, I apologize, he sometimes apologizes, he starts talking again.

The silent treatment is starting to feel like abuse and I'm no longer capable of bearing responsibility for problems I didn't cause. One day, he's amazed at how good I am to him and declares how he doesn't do enough to make me feel appreciated. The next, I'm selfish because I express that I'd like to talk to him on the phone as opposed to text that day. That I'm never satisfied and he can't do anything right where I'm concerned. This from a pwBPD who was diagnosed and has been in treatment for a year.

If we lived closer... .  if I weren't sick... .  maybe I could do what it takes to make this work. But as it is, we rarely see each other and my illness is kicking the ___ out of me. I have nothing left to pour into his bottomless well when what he reciprocates with is so small and infrequent.

I'm so confused and don't know what to do. Maybe he won't ever contact me again... .  would solve a lot of problems, that's for sure. But I'm guessing that he will, so what do I do?

I care for him so deeply and don't want to hurt him any more than he's already been hurt. He's made great progress and I don't want to be the impetus for another crash or more self harm (which he hasn't done in a long while).

Do I send an email and if so, what do I say? If not that, how do I respond to the inevitable text? My feeling about what I should do now change about every 30 seconds or so. We should have never tried to be more than friends... .  it worked as friends... .  I should have been more responsible there. I wish we could go back but I doubt he will agree to that. This is all my fault.

[elemental]

Maybe now isn't a good time to be more than friends.

He is in therapy and you are struggling with cancer.

Would he or you or both of you consider taking expectations down a notch or two?

That would take pressure off of both of you.

I know it feels awful when they disappear. I am 2 months of mostly being disappeared on... you know my story.

We get tired. Take a break from it.

[kl315]

I would be all right with it. In fact, right now, I would prefer it. Him? I'm guessing not so much. He once suggested being just friends and when I agreed, he freaked. I think he would see my request for that as abandonment and I would forever be painted black. I just don't know.

Those of you who are able to keep it together with your pwBPD for years are saints. I have discovered that I most definitely am not.

[Seashells]

I wish I could give you a hug.   

I've read some wonderful advice given through your writing.  I interpret your words as coming from a very intelligent and strong person. 

It seems you are fighting for your life.  If he can't help you, I so hope you can stop worrying about him and if you're validating him. 

He's not validating you.      

And although I don't know you; by reading what you write here I can only think of you as an intelligent, compassionate, heart warming, strong and caring person.  It shows in your posts.  I love reading them!

Please take care of yourself.  Hope I didn't over step myself. 

[Lady31]

I agree with Seashells!  Take care of yourself.  You deserve it!

Do things and surround yourself with people who bring joy to your life. 

You need your strength.  Your body's ability to fight and heal is hindered by all the emotionally draining circumstances and by negative thoughts and feelings.  It really does make a difference. 

You are too precious to let someone with BPD endanger your recovery.  I pray you find a way to deal with this that brings peace, healing and joy to your life and eliminates all darkness. 

[patientandclear]

KL -- oh boy.

I see why this is the one that this really prompting this question.  The others ... .  we can all sit there and sort of see how fear of losing you causes him to push you away or displace his sense that he's failing you onto you.

This disappearance?  This one is a genuine puzzler.  It is really hard to see how you could possibly have managed this better.  And as you say, the fact that he is diagnosed and accepts the diagnosis and is in DBT ... .  that's sobering for all of us whose validation and affirmation skills aren't quite what yours are and whose pwBPD are undiagnosed or untreated.  :)amn.

So it seems like -- this is just going to happen.  No matter what you do.  It won't last, of course, so if you can just completely set it aside, and just enjoy him when he's around, it could "work."

This is an important reminder for me that this is exactly why I said, until some recent (today) backsliding on the staying board perhaps based on longing and wishful thinking, that I could be friends but not more with my ex.  Because if this is inevitable, I'm just not sure I could take it from my supposed partner.

If you decide you need to step back to friends (if he will do that), as you know, I completely support you (and welcome you to the land of former intimate partners trying to be friends with pwBPD!).  However -- one thought.

You wrote that even when he is in the wrong, you apologize and that's how things get remedied.  I do get why it has to be us who reaches out.  But what if you reach out without apologizing?

The three or so times my BPDex has disappeared since we reconnected in August, I've ultimately reached out to him.  Not apologizing.  I gave him lots of time.  Lots.  But then I reached out just sort of innocuously, and that somehow primed the pump and we were back in business.  Of course, without ever really discussing the disappearance other than him making passing reference to it & eagerly asking if we could just resume where we'd left off.

I think sometimes after this gets to this point, there is shame on their part about having behaved in this way, and they may not know where you stand and whether they are even welcome.  Once the bad feelings caused by proximity subside, and they want to return, seeing a green light can, I think, help restore normalcy.  That doesn't require an apology, just friendliness.

One of my casual, friendly "hey, how are you?" messages after a period of silence was met by his "hummingbird" message that I wrote about on Staying -- where he likened himself to a hummingbird who comes in urgently & intensely, then leaves suddenly.  He was wondering if that bothers me.  Though not offering to change it.  And when I said he could come & go freely, the relief on his part was palpable -- he was not "in trouble" for having felt like he had to pull away.

So if you are going to stay, even for now, my suggestion is Do Not Apologize -- no need, and nothing to apologize for -- but just show him a little friendly gesture every so often so he knows the light is green.

This begs the larger question you are asking, I realize that.  Some days I don't know what any of us are doing or what could possibly be so worthwhile that it justifies how hard and sometimes painful this is.

Keep us posted on how your thinking evolves here.  And -- I recommend sitting on it for a while, to see if any decision you make still feels right after a day or so.

I feel so bad for these (in your case & mine) men.  If they can't make this work with us ... .  it looks pretty bleak.

[kl315]

Thank you all for the kind words and advice. His disruptive presence IS preventing me from taking care of myself the way I should which is why I want it to stop. I just don't know how to best go about it and I'm hoping to salvage a 20 year friendship (though I'm thinking, "Yeah, fat chance."

PandC, I guess I'm most worried about the point where he DOES make contact again. I know he'll do it with the full expectation that all will be forgiven and we'll pick up the romantic relationship where he left it. Telling him then that I would prefer to be friends will prompt another melt down. I don't know... .  maybe that's what needs to happen and then the ball will be in his court as to whether or not he even wants a friendship.

I noticed yesterday that he's started posting on FB again and what he's posting leads me to believe that his mood is on an upswing and he's come out of his temporary depression. So he's feeling better now. Great. It makes me mad that he didn't contact me to see how I was. I mean, he knows I'm having another treatment and he was fairly horrible to me. There are such huge differences in the care we take of each other.

Do you think I should wait until he contacts me and tell him then what I'm feeling about the relationship or should I send him something preemptively? I know you're pwBPD was the one to suggest the friendship... .  from what I've read, if this doesn't come from them they see it as some kind of attack. I was going to send an email today briefly stating my perspective and making the request. If anyone thinks that's a bad idea, please let me know. But honestly, if there is one more day of silent treatment, I'm done so maybe it doesn't even matter.

[rollercoaster24]

Dear kl315,

You must be so strong, to be struggling with what you are, and dealing with a partner with BPD. You deserve a medal...

It is incredibly painful when they are mean and horrible to us, and we give so much love and care to their needs, then it feels like they simply toss us aside, (feeling quite justified in that).

The sort of behavior and words that come from my partner's mouth, at times have led me to wonder if he is indeed a soulless ,sociopath afterall...

But then, in a twinkling of an eye, he can flip back to his core self again, and it is a treasure to see, almost makes me forget how he was just minutes before... heaven and hell...

At any rate, look after you, and indulge yourself in all the support you have from those around you that also love you, and you never have to doubt that for one second...

[elemental]

Possibly you can show with your actions that you are neutral.

One of the things I found is that my BPD will ASSUME things.

By that, you don't have to tell him he was set on the back burner. If he wants to meander off wherever, ignore him. Maybe right now he is expecting you to reach out and "apologize" so he can be lazy and not be appropriate.

So he has BPD. These guys are still men. Over on staying, I hear that theme in a lot of what Phoebe has been saying to me. He is a man. He knows it is his job to persue. He knows you are a valuable woman and he is being lazy about it.


If I were you, I would just go about my business. I am pretty sure your guy will feel the shift, and be sitting there wondering why you aren't taking responsibility and validating his laziness.

You  aren't doing that because you have better things to do like take care of yourself, eat, rest, do your work, relax... .  and not get sucked into his little dramas.

Let him have drama on his own time, not yours.  He is going to be sitting there and after a bit he will probably come to you. Just be friendly and calm and let him do some of the work of the relationship. Right now he thinks he doesn't have to and that he has room to be this way. Well, he DOES have room for it, but you don't, because when he goes absent, nature abhors the vacuum and you fill it up with things for YOU.

Just some ideas. I know how hard it is. I really do. Today I am taking my own advice 

[kl315]

Here is a musical representation of what silent treatment feels like to me. I actually recorded my own version of this for him at one point (I sing) but never sent it because, really, what's the point? And I couldn't bear him taking something that speaks to me like this does and making it ugly.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=54DMWdzROH0

Anyway, I'm going to pamper myself today with a haircut, manicure and pedicure. He can do whatever he wants.

I'm glad that you seem to be feeling a little better Elemental... .  

[kl315]

A note about that song... .  there have been times at night when he's said, "Go outside and find Orion's Belt/Big Dipper/etc.". And if I could, he'd say, "There. See how close together we are? I'm pratically right next to you."

[patientandclear]

A note about that song... .  there have been times at night when he's said, "Go outside and find Orion's Belt/Big Dipper/etc.". And if I could, he'd say, "There. See how close together we are? I'm pratically right next to you."

KL, that's so poignant.  Isn't that just exactly why this is so damn hard to deal with?  Because how can that be the same person?  and how can there be inexplicable silence from someone that interested in and talented about closeness?

Another member here once said that when pwBPD are present, no one has ever been more present.  And when they are gone, no one has ever been more gone.

I am so sorry this is the situation.  I say that, knowing that you know he is coming back, knowing that you are very good at the techniques required to maintain this r/s optimally.  You could keep this going, and it won't be without its rewards if you do.  So hard to know what the right thing to do is, when all these things are true at once.  It's beautiful, and intolerable, both.

One thought about your particular situation.  It seems like the long distance thing might be buffering some of the severe dysfunctions, and that if you were closer in space, he might have a really hard time transitioning to that.  I know it's hard to know till you try, but so much of your rhythm with him reminds me of my "friend" who wants to keep me company each night at a distance of 10 miles.  You've written a couple of times that maybe it would be better if he were nearer, but I really wonder about that.

What are your current thoughts about what course makes sense for you?

[kl315]

Another member here once said that when pwBPD are present, no one has ever been more present.  And when they are gone, no one has ever been more gone.

That is so true.

Off topic, but it was a pretty good day, considering. I obviously have a wig but it's a really nice one and I had it cut and highlighted today, had my nails done and took myself out to dinner where I met some nice people and had a great conversation. I felt so "normal". I think that only the people on this board will understand what I mean by that.

As far as the distance, I've thought about that too. He does seem a lot closer to center when we're actually together and we haven't had a problem yet during those times, but we've only seen each other a few times. The pressure of seeing each other constantly might prove to be more than he can handle.

He's not pushing to move (though he talks about it). I've said that he needs to complete his second year of therapy where he is before it's even a consideration. He agrees... .  most of the time.

I think our relationships are similar in a lot of ways, even though the distance in mine is geographical in nature. I'll tell you what though... .  if he WERE here and was pushing and pulling as he is while I'm in treatment, I'd probably lose my mind. Those are the things that give me pause.

[Seashells]

Kl,

What a lovely and haunting song. 

I'd noticed before my upwBPD traits almost seemed relieved at first when he would break it off or disappear or distance me.  I wonder if it's like a release valve relieving pressure for them when it happens ?

When I read your comments about how he seemed on FB and how it made you mad he seemed to be on the upswing and didn't contact you, it reminded me of that.  I've been through that too.

I hated the silent treatment (don't we all), and even more so after having watched him 'pick fights' with me to pre-empt it.  Blech!  (He even admitted to me recently (and himself I guess) that he did do that in the past)

Also, I am often sent music and youtube songs when he wants to express sentiments to me.  He is a 'music' person.   

I'm glad to hear you're doing good things to try and sooth yourself too.

I'm going to try to go read some of the back history of your story.  I too have a long distance situation factoring into my relationship (part of the time)  and I often second guess things, and wonder because of it being a factor.  It's sometimes a curse, and sometimes a blessing.   

I actually can change that part of the relationship without too much problem, but unless things really improve and remain stable for awhile, I'm not sure I want to. 

I can tell you, it is harder when you are right there, after the geography has kept you apart... .  and they go ahead and distance you or give you the silent treatment or can't cope with being that close to you anyway.

It was devastating for me.  That was one of the things that sent me so far down into a 'puddle on the floor mess' and drove me to start searching for answers when I found this place.

[MammaMia]

An unpredictable relationship is very stressful.  You need to focus on taking care of yourself and getting well.  I have been where you are and surgery/chemo/radiation is physically and emotionally exhausting in itself.  

I would stay friendly but not push for a closer relationship.  Your illness may frighten him, and he may need some time to realize you are ok and not going to leave him.   Dance, but let him lead.

Take care and may the Good Lord watch over you and keep you safe.

[kl315]

Update... .  I spoke to my own therapist about my own feelings on the current round of silent treatment. She asked me a few questions.

1. Q: "Is this something you feel you need to resolve now, in the present, for your own well being?" A: Yes

2. Q: "Are you willing to stay in a relationship, right now, with someone who give you the silent treatment every three weeks or so?" A: No.

3. Q: "Are you prepared to lose the relationship, and quite possibly the friendship, if you set a boundary regarding silent treatment that he cannot comply with?" A: Yes.

So there it is. I wrote a very blunt, non-tool following email and his reaction made me laugh out loud (the laughing was far more sardonic than amused, trust me) and left me more puzzled than ever. But maybe he intended it that way to buy some time.

My email basically said that I was truly sorry that I invalidated his feelings during our last conversation regarding him feeling as if he couldn't do anything right. That I couldn't take responsibility for the argument which resulted, because I felt I'd done all I could to avoid that argument... .  yet he became upset with me anyway. That I understood he was still upset about something and he had every right to feel any way he wanted. However, silent treatment felt like abuse to me and I wasn't prepared to continue in a relationship where silent treatment was used after every argument as "punishment", whether I'd committed a "crime" or not. I told him that I wasn't saying I was right and he was wrong, but like him, I am entitled to feel as I do and how I feel is that the nature of the relationship is taking a huge toll on me and my health, as I'm sure it was him as well. That I loved him and wanted the best for him, even if that turned out to be someone other than me.

I then said that I was requesting the silent treatment come to an end, this time and to the extent that he is able in the future. That if he needs space or time, we must find a way to make that possible for him without one or both of us feeling abused. I told him he would have one more day of "silence" to think about what he wanted, but at the end of the next day (today), I would be closing the book on our romantic relationship for now and into the foreseeable future. That if he chose to stay silent, I wouldn't hate him and my friendship would always be available to him whenever he wanted or needed it. That I would recognize it as him making the best choice he could for himself, as I was for myself, and respect his decision.

However, if he was willing to work with me on finding healthier ways for us to deal with each other when he's feeling pressured or needs space, I was requesting he break the silence. That he could say anything he wanted as long as it wasn't hateful or demeaning, even if he thought it was something I didn't want to hear... .  that anything he had to say would more or less be put in the "safe zone" so long as it wasn't spiteful.

I wished him well on his doctor's appt (today) and said good night.

I wasn't expecting a response, but I got one almost immediately. He said, "Hi." That's it. "Hi".

So I said, "OK, hi."  He responded again with "OK, Hi." I then wrote, "Bonjour, Aloha, Guten Tag", thinking that maybe some humor might open the door a bit wider. He said nothing else. Not then, not today. So I sent him a cartoon I knew he'd like, and no response. I mean I DID tell him that he could say whatever he wanted so long as he broke the silence, but really? I don't have any idea how to take that.

I meant every word in the email. I wasn't trying to appease or smooth over. I was stating what has become a deal breaker for me and giving him one last chance to try and participate in making out relationship better (or at least something we can live with). If he simply CAN'T, I understand but I WILL be moving on and hope that we can remain friends.

Any thoughts on how to take that response? I'm of the mind that he did say SOMETHING after a week without a single word, so he's entitled to another day or two to ease back into it? But honestly, after that, I'm done and off to "Leaving".

[elemental]

He is gaming you.

Remember that game half life? the one with the artificial intelligence. If you remember that song "still alive" or maybe never heard it... .  

anyway, the point is the intelligence liked to play a game of deception and when confronted would say " i didn't lie to you... IN THIS ROOM."

Fact is, it didn't lie. It took things literally and worked it's way around the actual agreement in order to violate the *spirit* of the agreement and continue doing as it liked and denying responsibility for it.


He is not going to give you a even playing ground. He will appear to comply with your boundry, seeing it as a threat and a demand, then he will eff you around to pay you back for it.

Kl, you have a few choices here. You can let him be, you can enforce this boundry, or you can walk off without another word.

He is wearing you down, maybe unconsciously, in order to have control. When you put something on him that he sees as you controlling and demanding, he will resist.

You are not going to get him to comply. He is sucking you in. I personally wouldn't say a word to the guy for at least 2 weeks. Not one more word. Take the time to calm down and detach.

It's hard, I know it. 

Choose you this time and let him sort himself a while.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Yeah, that was my initial reaction, too. He's jerking you around.

Of course, it could also mean that he wants to be in a relationship with you, but his BPD kicked in so strong with feelings of abandonment and anger that he wasn't able to respond with anything but the minimum required.

Does it really matter? The end result is that he's not able to be there for you in the way you want and need. You have every right to want and need someone who can be present. And he may be doing the very best he can. It doesn't change the fact that it's not enough, does it?

[kl315]

Yeah, I think I'm done. It may not be fair or reasonable given his disorder, but I've just had enough. He has another couple of days to at least attempt to behave like an adult and then, game over. Trip will be cancelled, I will be NC until I am healthy again and I will move on. If at some point down the road he is willing to accept a friendship, so be it.

You know what's weird? I'm not devastated or heartbroken. I'm annoyed and a little worried about him, but for the most part, I'm just relieved. Maybe I have a strong sense of self preservation or maybe I lack patience... .  not sure, but either way... .  

Thank you all for your love and support. I'll be hanging around for a while, and as we all know, with a pwBPD, it's not necessarily over until one of you moves to Saturn or something, so who knows? But my gut is telling me it's time to be done with this for now. For my own sake. Thank you again... .  

[Scarlet Phoenix]

That sounds like the healthy thing to do - for YOU. This is a time to take care of you and your needs. The best of luck to you!

[Cardinals in Flight]

I'm really sorry you are having to go through this right now, anytime at all isn't good, but especially now.

He just can't be an adult, he's a 3yr old disguised as a man, so sad, but so true.  Even though he seems to have a limited handle on his own issues, it really isn't enough to be in a reciprocal, healthy relationship is it?

I hope you continue feeling relieved, lighter, and all together better.

Big hugs to you!

CiF

[kl315]

Something about this last "episode" didn't sit right with me. It was outside of his normal pattern. His blowup for virtually no reason followed by absolute silence (he has always maintained very low contact during silent treatment). I just had this feeling that something was up so I googled his screen name and city/state.

He opened an OKCupid profile on the day we had our argument and the most recent activity was yesterday. One of his listed interests is casual sex. Ew.

We are done done done done done. Done. That was a boundary we both set very early on and the thought of him hooking up with strangers he met online creeps me out. My feelings for him are forever changed and disorder or not, I certainly won't allow him to ever touch me again.

I'm smart, successful, attractive (even without hair!), loving, generous and I DO deserve better. I'm going to go find it.

[LetItBe]

kl315, sending you a big hug.   

"Ew" is right!  That's a boundary that won't ever move for me -- a complete deal-breaker.  I've been cheated on before, and it was awesome (in retrospect) how quickly that allowed me to let go of that toxic relationship.  He had NPD, and I should have let him go long before.  It was still a painful post-breakup healing period after a 2-year relationship, but I was done, done, DONE with him -- finally!

You deserve SO much better! 

[patientandclear]

KL -- this is just such stunning confirmation of how hard these patterns are to break.  You know?  Great guy, diagnosed, accepts it, in DBT, obviously cherishes you, pushes himself, tries, makes strides, makes big gestures ... .  but he cannot prevent himself from sabotaging the very thing he so wants and needs.

I hate BPD.

At the same time, some things are what they are.  You deserve love without trap doors and sudden attacks and inexplicable failures when you need it most.  Hoping it finds you.

[elemental]

I wondered. I was thinking he was acting like a guy with other options.

I didn't want to say this.

It was how my BPD began to act when he started hooking up with his ex a few years ago (cheating on me).

Baby proves it, too.

Anyway, I am sorry this happened to you. 

[kl315]

He knew this was a non-negotiable boundary which makes me wonder exactly why he would use his common screen name, but whatever. I sent him this email when I found out:

"Based on your continued silence, and your new OK Cupid profile, (I pasted his profile HTML here) , I'm going to assume we're done. Trip is obviously cancelled. I don't believe I did anything to deserve this. I'm not perfect but I loved you, cared for you and was as good to you as I could be and was punished for my efforts. I'm not a spiteful, hateful person so I still wish you the very best and hope you find happiness. After all you've been through you deserve to be happy. You don't realize it, but you are very special. My friendship will always be there for you if you want or need it. I hope we can get back there at some point.

Take care of yourself J"

A little instigatory, but the best I could do given how pissed I was. He actually didn't read it until this morning but once he did, he kicked me off his social sites. Because goodness knows, it's MY fault he's a lying, cheating juvenile. But again, whatever. I think these people see getting caught as some sort of hostile act and never take responsibility for the thing they got caught AT. I'm highly annoyed but I'm really not even sad. That may come later, but maybe not. I have a tremendous capacity for nonsense from other people because I try to see where it's coming from, but you push me to a certain point, something irrevocably breaks. Doesn't mean I hate him or never want to speak to him again, but there was definitely an audible "snap" when I saw his dating profile. Something changed, probably for good.

The really stupid thing is, if he had just manned up and told me he wasn't happy and wanted to look for a relationship elsewhere, I would have let him go with my blessing and few hard feelings. I mean, that's life. I don't want to be with anyone who I don't make happy. But now I fear we will never regain the friendship we had that was probably more important to me than the romantic relationship. Kicking myself for not keeping it there.

How did you get over your bf cheating on you? You're stronger than I... .  don't think I could do it. But for me, it's worse that he's looking for hook ups with strangers than if he cheated with someone he cared about. Don't know why I feel that way, I just do.

[elemental]

How do I get over it?

I haven't to some extent.

I spent a lot of time on surviving infidelity forums, marriage builder, etc.

My first boyfriend... it was a long distance relationship, he was always self absorbed and I think he had unresolved feelings over bi sexuality.

And... it was clear to me, he was struggling when he told me as a kid he was mad at Jodie Foster for a year ( I mean a YEAR) because they were the same age, and she was famous and he felt it wasn't fair, why did she get to be famous but not him?    and hilariously to me at the time he was STILL MAD and he was 42 at the time.

With current bf... .  it's pretty complicated. I really love this guy. Truely. And he had unfinished business with his ex, still does. They are in a huge power struggle, the ex is amazingly gifted at manipulation and shaming and she has as leverage the kids. She doesn't bat an eye and trying to force him around using them to do it.

He may not be BPD, but that lady certainly is and from what I hear, her MOTHER is worse, a real WITCH type BPD. He told me everyone is frightened of his former in law because that woman is so mean and vindictive.

I think my BPD has PTSD from dealing with all of them. I am, as they say in england, gobsmacked at the antics. Add in the discord and terrible events I got sucked into... what helps me is I don't actually believe and NEVER have believed that he really wanted to be where he is in  terms of his ex. I think he is in the process of growing a backbone and trying to sort out his confusions and conflicts.

It's too complicated for me to pass judgement. My BPD would probably never put up a dating profile.

I think relationship partner who does is like you said, slimy. Don't care what his problem is, he knew what he was doing, and tossing you off social sites... not cool.

[kl315]

The thing about Jodie Foster is truly bizarre. I mean, was he even an actor?

J might have put up that profile just to mess with me (which is pathetic if true). I told him once that during his first silent treatment I had googled his screen name and he laughed and said that cheating was the one thing he would never do to me. So knowing I might look, it could have been intentional. The profile has now been deactivated, so, who knows. Maybe he just created another with a different name. And while he removed me from his friends list, he didn't block me... .  which is weird and what he did once before before reinstating me and begging forgiveness. But whether he's gone for good or not, I will not be recycled. I'll let the OKCupid women deal with him.

I'm not in any way meaning to discount the pain you must feel when your bf strays... .  I know it's devastating (and having the baby is nearly beyond comprehension). But while I'd be hurt and furious if I found out he'd slept with someone who had meant something to him (like his exgf), I'd feel differently than if it was some random women... .  to me, random hook ups reduce the love and intimacy we shared to something cheap and meaningless.

I hope yours comes out of his dark place and into your light... .  and stays away from the drama queen.