Message analysis.

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I told my Aunt that I would have no contact with either of my parents. I would not see them.

She's awesome in a lot of ways, except for this one sticky issue.

My Aunt is my Dad's sister.

She messaged me: [My Dad's name] is in town. Join up for dinner tonight? Please?

I messaged her: Sorry, I won't be coming.

She messaged me: Okay, Sorry it is still difficult. I understand, but it won't stop me from asking now and then. Ever hopeful.

So I message her: Please stop asking too. There is history there I am sparing you from in respect to your feelings.

I have a headache now. Am I really sucky at setting boundaries with people? The side that wanted revenge wanted to type out how he invaded my room when I was 16 when I was half naked and when I said knock, he said, "I don't have to because this is my house." and stayed IN THE ROOM. I forgot it, but it's written in my journal. But I didn't. I've kept my mouth shut about the abuse from my mom and dad. I'm getting flashes I didn't want.

Did I do terribly? Or should I expect this kind of pressing? Should I say? Though if I say, it'll probably fuel my BPD mom.   Victim mode. Ball is in their court. I set up a list of conditions for contact. I thought about saying this too. But I didn't.

*sighs* I wonder if my boundaries still look like puddy... .  

[DesertChild]

I told my Aunt that I would have no contact with either of my parents. I would not see them.

She's awesome in a lot of ways, except for this one sticky issue.

My Aunt is my Dad's sister.

She messaged me: [My Dad's name] is in town. Join up for dinner tonight? Please?

I messaged her: Sorry, I won't be coming.

She messaged me: Okay, Sorry it is still difficult. I understand, but it won't stop me from asking now and then. Ever hopeful.

So I message her: Please stop asking too. There is history there I am sparing you from in respect to your feelings.

I have a headache now. Am I really sucky at setting boundaries with people? The side that wanted revenge wanted to type out how he invaded my room when I was 16 when I was half naked and when I said knock, he said, "I don't have to because this is my house." and stayed IN THE ROOM. I forgot it, but it's written in my journal. But I didn't. I've kept my mouth shut about the abuse from my mom and dad. I'm getting flashes I didn't want.

Did I do terribly? Or should I expect this kind of pressing? Should I say? Though if I say, it'll probably fuel my BPD mom.   Victim mode. Ball is in their court. I set up a list of conditions for contact. I thought about saying this too. But I didn't.

*sighs* I wonder if my boundaries still look like puddy... .  

[Rubies]

I think setting that boundary with your aunt is awesome!  You even said, "Please."  If she brings it up again, say the same thing but add, "Plese respect my boundary."

Safe people respect our boundaries.  Unsafe ones, in my life anyway, need to be gone.  I have very few relatives left in my life since I began setting boundaries.  I no longer let anyone treat me like crap.  I sure don't let people treat me like crap because I refuse to let my parents treat me like crap

Out with the bad to make room for the good.  We can't make new, healthy good relationships with people if we're letting crappy people occupy us.

Weird how such a normal thing as saying No makes us feel "bad."  Scarey because we've been punished al our lives for it.  My DD18 is going through the same thing, becoming strong enough to set her own boundaries and say what she really wants. 

[P.F.Change]

Sounds to me like you are good at boundaries. The reason you feel icky is that your aunt isn't.

I think it is wise not to share more with her if you don't welcome her intrusion. Pulling her further into the drama triangle would have been counterproductive for your goal. You do not have to Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain your choices to anyone. It is enough to say ,"Stop asking," or "I don't want to talk about it." You don't have to say why.

I do think it will be helpful to have a plan for the next time she brings up the subject. If she violates your boundary, how will you respond?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[DesertChild]

I do not mind saying why, but I know if I do it'll make things incredibly messy and I don't want to put my Aunt in such a position. And I'm not sure she would be open to hearing such things. It is easier to deny such happenings as real, especially from people you care about.

She didn't respond after that... .  so I'm not sure what to do. I can keep drawing the boundary, and say why I am drawing it, but I'm not sure if there is a stronger way to draw it next time.

My grandmother from that side doesn't respect my boundaries and I've brought it up to her, but it seems like when I bring up the abuse and bluntly it blanks from her mind--not because she can't remember but because it triggers her own childhood. Somehow I look like a good target to her.

The repeated pushing makes me think I'm doing it wrong. Or maybe not presenting myself right. I'm wavering a bit, but having no thoughts to buckling.

[P.F.Change]

It sounds like you want to be understood and validated. But your FOO may never be able to understand. Saying why you need NC (i.e., Justifying) doesn't help with your GM. Might as well save yourself the energy and spare her the flashbacks and just not do it. And I don't think it's likely to help with your aunt, either. You really don't have to have her understanding and approval in order to have a boundary. Telling people why your boundary is there doesn't necessarily make them respect it any better. Boundaries can be there even if no one else ever understands them. YOU understand them, and that is enough. You don't have to deny anything is real, either. Just "I don't want to talk about this with you."

It is good that your aunt didn't keep pushing. But since she promised to keep asking, it's a good idea to be prepared for the possibility that she will decide to ignore your request. I think you can use the broken record approach if you want, repeating that you have already asked her to stop. You can't control what other people do--you can't ever explain enough to make them care; you can only control what *you* do.

Rubies said something important earlier: "Safe people respect our boundaries." How much space do you have in your life for unsafe people? When people refuse to respect your boundaries over and over, do you want to keep inviting them in? If your aunt keeps bringing this up, how would you feel about saying, "I have asked you several times to stop pressuring me to reconcile with my parents. You keep doing it anyway. I need to know that I can trust you to leave this issue alone in order to continue speaking with you." Just a thought.

It's not your job to get other people to understand why your boundaries are there and why you deserve to have them. Your only job is to make sure you are doing what you need to do to take care of yourself. That may be hanging up the phone, or leaving the room, or stopping contact altogether--only you know. You don't have the power to turn unsafe people into safe ones. You do have the power to decide which kinds of people you allow into your life.

I hope your aunt will be able to respect your request. That would be a good sign.

PF

[DesertChild]

Thank you. I really needed that. I'll set a stronger boundary next time. Still getting the hang of it... .  

[Pilpel]

DesertChild, Good for you for setting boundaries.  I thought you were strong, firm, and did a great job of telling your aunt as much as she needs to know.  Hopefully her lack of response is her just respecting your space.  Having grown up in the same house as your dad and knowing your parents for so many years, does your aunt have enough history with them that she doesn't need an explanation?  My first thought is that your aunt, herself, might not be looking forward to the visit, and was hoping to have more people over to take off some of the pressure of interacting with them. 

Personally, if I knew my brother and BPD SIL were coming over, I'd be miserable if I knew it was just going to be us and them.  For some reason, if there are more people there she's less likely to go into a rage over something.

[DesertChild]

No, my Dad acts normal around her since he's codependent on my mom. He blames me, however, for my mom's behavior. ('cause you know, my mom isn't the problem). So lots of passive aggressive behavior.

My brother tried to pull the "save me" once and resented me for not backing him, but he's finally gotten the clue. Told him bluntly (the nature of our relationship) this was so and he got it, though he still hasn't shown complete trust. I also told him to pick up the slack. If he doesn't want to communicate, that's on him to say, not for me to do. I think I was a bit codependent on him... .  not 'cause he has a PD, but because I was young and didn't have anyone else to rely on. So the transition was tough, but I'm working on that.

I've told my Aunt multiple times that I do not wish to have contact with my mom and dad. The first time I said it I wasn't so good with boundaries so I told her a specific reason. Then I told her again a few more times. Then I told her every time my parents said they were coming our way. Then I said it more firmly this time. I may have been wishy washy the previous times.

She's usually very, very good with boundaries on all other things except for this one issue. For example, when someone asks her, "How are you related?" she's very firm and says, "She's my niece." Period. If they press, she holds the line and pretty much repeats it. Which is awesome and something I admire in her because before her I didn't know I was *allowed* to do that. From her, I also learned healthy conflict resolution... .  so I really hope she respects the boundary I set this time. Not a defense of her actions this time (which did make me angry) so much as I think I still have a lot I could learn from her.