Self-sabatoge, lack of empathy, keeping distance in relationships

[Claire]

Hello,

It's been about 3 years since I've been active on this site. I'm a 25 year old adult child of a BPD Mom, and I have grown a ton in the past few years since her unofficial diagnosis. However, I find myself consistently plagued by certain behaviors and learning new things about myself and so I'm back. I need to know that I'm not alone in having struggles that my friends with healthier home lives don't seem to have. Or, what's more troublesome, those who did have tough home lives and seem to be doing so much better than I am... .  

So, here's what I'm dealing with now:

1) Self sabatoge - I don't feel like I deserve good things (at work, in relationships, etc) so I deliberately procrastinate or do NOT do what I want to do so that I influence the outcome to be bad. While doing this, I feel guilty and anxious. But I still do it... .  

2) Lack of empathy - I used to think I was empathetic. I would always listen to others with problems and felt bad for them. But as I've grown in self-confidence and self-trust (which is a major good thing in my life!), I've discovered that that was more out of my own self feeling like I was worth nothing, my problems were worth nothing, etc.

Now I have noticed that I don't actually feel bad for people going through hard stuff. I feel like "I had it worse" or "you might have this problem, but at least you have a secure relationship with your parents and don't have to go through everything alone" or something else. I even can't feel sympathy for great, publicized atrocities around the world because, hey at least everyone sees them and feels sympathy for them.  I hate this about myself... .  

This might be linked to the strength of my personal emotions both from current and past situations with BPD and family, and my inability to possibly take on more in the form of sympathetic emotion.

3) Distance in relationships - I'll make this simple. I put up barriers to relationships with the people I most want to know and love because I am so afraid that once I get to know them, I will want them to become my mom or dad that I did not have. This has happened before. I get too close to someone and start desperately wanting them to be my parent as opposed to a friend/boss/etc. So much that I'm unable to accept the friendship for what it is. Right now there is a woman I know who has shared her experience of having a BPD mom. I want nothing more than to get to know her, learn from her (she has grown in to an amazing woman!), but I am so afraid that I will want her to be my mom. And she's not. She never will be. And I'm afraid that I'll become too much and she will back off. And then I will feel alone and abandoned.

Oh, anyone else struggle with this... .  I have a roomate who isn't the healthiest mentally. Uses a lot of excuses, manipulation, has hypochondriac and worst case scenario thinking. She's not BPD, but I often react very strongly to her in anger, attributing to her my relationship wtih my mom. I guess some of her actions trigger me very strongly... .  

Ok sorry this was long. HOpe some of you can relate. I do look forward to being back on here and hopefully making some progress!

Claire

[Grey Kitty]

First let me say this:

The fact that you are thinking about it is a good first step--it is much very difficult to chance something about yourself that you don't even notice yourself doing!

I can't relate too much to the first and third part, but as for this part... .  

2) Lack of empathy - I used to think I was empathetic. I would always listen to others with problems and felt bad for them. But as I've grown in self-confidence and self-trust (which is a major good thing in my life!), I've discovered that that was more out of my own self feeling like I was worth nothing, my problems were worth nothing, etc.

Now I have noticed that I don't actually feel bad for people going through hard stuff. I feel like "I had it worse" or "you might have this problem, but at least you have a secure relationship with your parents and don't have to go through everything alone" or something else. I even can't feel sympathy for great, publicized atrocities around the world because, hey at least everyone sees them and feels sympathy for them.  I hate this about myself... .  

As you said, caring about others problems (as a way to deny that yours are worth caring about) isn't a good way to do it.

Compassion doesn't work quite like you are expecting it to--you aren't supposed to feel BAD because other people are hurting. That would be acting as an emotional sponge and sucking trying to feel for them.

Compassion is simply caring about the suffering of another person... .  without comparing it to your own. I think it is something that can be developed over time.

[Claire]

Compassion is simply caring about the suffering of another person... .  without comparing it to your own. I think it is something that can be developed over time.

Thanks Grey Kitty! This is a very helpful definition.

[P.F.Change]

I have a BPDm too and can understand all the things you are talking about.

#1. Have you noticed there is a link between procrastionation and perfectionism? For me, procrastination was a way to create an excuse for not being perfect. Do you expect you should be perfect?

#2. What would it be like to have compassion on yourself first? It sounds to me not so much that you lack empathy as that you are in too much pain to he able to give to others. This may be one of those situations where you need to put your own oxygen mask on first. You are worth taking care of.

#3. Sounds like a fear of engulfment/abandonment flea. You are afraid that you will be too clingy and push others away. We all need intimacy and close relationships. Having a parent with BPD can leave us with even deeper unmet needs. Have you considered using a Therapist as a surrogate parent until you can learn to soothe those wounds on your own? Learning healthy boundaries can bring a better balance to relationships. It doesn't have to be all-or-nothing. I tend to put up walls in relationships, too, but it is because I fear letting people too close... .  I have trouble trusting that they will be safe. We all have things to work on.

Were you by any chance your parent's "all-bad" child? Are you currently working with a T? I find it very helpful having some professional guidance.

Wishing you peace,

PF