Overprotecting our children

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I have been thinking about this a lot. I had a BPD mother and I am extremely protective of my son.  I was made to clean the whole house and cook for myself when I was a child.  My son, 18 has only recently learned how to make rice and mac and cheese for himself.  I always cooked for him.  He's not spoiled, he is in fact sweet and a really good kid. 

For example I have the flu right now and I have gone to the store twice since I've been sick, for food and medicine.  I was always responsible for my mother, going to the store, for food or ciggarettes.  At 8 years old and on.  It does not even cross my mind to send him to the store.  HE'S 18, I KNOW he could go to the store. 

I did teach him how to do his own laundry when he was 15 because a friend was shocked I still did it for him.  He does it, and very well.  I've been trying to teach him how to cook a little bit.  He's going to starve when he gets out into the world if I don't.  He keeps his room immaculately clean.  Makes his bed every day, takes out the garbage and unloads the dishwasher.  When I go shopping, he brings them in and I out them away. 

What I know is this a direct result of being a child servant.  My mother spent most of her time in bed.  Am I overcompensating?  I am aware of it but I am pretty sick and it didnt even occur to me he could have gone to the store until I got back.  Because of being here I am thinking more about my mother and how it affects me and my behavior.  I've always been protective... and he is an awesome person... .  but am I limiting him?  He wants to get a job and I said no way.  His gf is not very nice at all, and I hate the way she treats him and I did back off of that situation, but my teeth come out when he talks about her.   

Good parenting?  Overcompensating?  Over-protection?

Thoughts?

[Eeoye1]

I have been thinking about this a lot. I had a BPD mother and I am extremely protective of my son.  I was made to clean the whole house and cook for myself when I was a child.  My son, 18 has only recently learned how to make rice and mac and cheese for himself.  I always cooked for him.  He's not spoiled, he is in fact sweet and a really good kid. 

For example I have the flu right now and I have gone to the store twice since I've been sick, for food and medicine.  I was always responsible for my mother, going to the store, for food or ciggarettes.  At 8 years old and on.  It does not even cross my mind to send him to the store.  HE'S 18, I KNOW he could go to the store. 

I did teach him how to do his own laundry when he was 15 because a friend was shocked I still did it for him.  He does it, and very well.  I've been trying to teach him how to cook a little bit.  He's going to starve when he gets out into the world if I don't.  He keeps his room immaculately clean.  Makes his bed every day, takes out the garbage and unloads the dishwasher.  When I go shopping, he brings them in and I out them away. 

What I know is this a direct result of being a child servant.  My mother spent most of her time in bed.  Am I overcompensating?  I am aware of it but I am pretty sick and it didnt even occur to me he could have gone to the store until I got back.  Because of being here I am thinking more about my mother and how it affects me and my behavior.  I've always been protective... and he is an awesome person... .  but am I limiting him?  He wants to get a job and I said no way.  His gf is not very nice at all, and I hate the way she treats him and I did back off of that situation, but my teeth come out when he talks about her.   

Good parenting?  Overcompensating?  Over-protection?

Thoughts?

[GeekyGirl]

I don't think there's a "one size fits all" approach to parenting. What's important here is how you feel about what's going on with your son and what you want to do going forward.

You mentioned that you're teaching him to cook and you're teaching him some basic skills, like laundry. You're looking at giving him more responsibility. Both sound like good ideas.

What I know is this a direct result of being a child servant.  My mother spent most of her time in bed.  Am I overcompensating?  Good parenting?  Overcompensating?  Over-protection?

Do you feel like you're trying to do the opposite of what your mother did? It's very understandable that you wouldn't want to model unhealthy behavior for your son, especially if your mother's behavior was so difficult for you as a child.

What are your concerns about your son getting a job? What would you want for him long-term, in terms of a family, career, your relationship, etc?