Did your ex talk crap about others?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I feel like mine did ALL the time.  It's like, if they weren't in his close circle he hated them.  I guess I really understand splitting now.  After we broke up, those people he formally "hated" became his closest friends.  I called him out on it once and he said those people became "tolerable". 

Sometimes I think my ex had some narcissism in him.  He put himself down repeatedly, especially physically, but God forbid if anyone else even teasingly put him down... .  

[SarahinMA]

I feel like mine did ALL the time.  It's like, if they weren't in his close circle he hated them.  I guess I really understand splitting now.  After we broke up, those people he formally "hated" became his closest friends.  I called him out on it once and he said those people became "tolerable". 

Sometimes I think my ex had some narcissism in him.  He put himself down repeatedly, especially physically, but God forbid if anyone else even teasingly put him down... .  

[bpdspell]

hey sarah,

My ex did this from the very beginning starting.   It all started with his incessant need to tear down his baby mama. Then he'd say that he knows he really doesn't have friends because all of this friends are jealous of him.     Now. Not trying to be mean but my exBPDbf was handsome but certainly nothing to write home about. He was a total opportunistic loafer in every sense of the word but had no problems talking trash about the people who were a part of his circle.   

Now looking back. The red flags were everywhere. It was an indicator of what was sure to happen to me and happen it did. My ex has said some pretty hurtful nasty things about me and has called me everything accept a child of God. 

They are sick, sick, sick in the head and heart. It's all projection, splitting and a part of the Karpman Triangle. Someone needs to be the enemy in their head so they can be the victim.

Spell

[Gladto be away]

Mine would always talk crap about others. One day so and so would be his best bud the next his biggest enemy, so on and so on.

[BentNotBroken]

Yes. all the time. She was absolutely brutal with tearing other people down. I tried to get her to be more fair and reasonable in her criticism of others, but it was a lost cause. If she had "a feeling" about someone, they were toast! Nothing could redeem them, or mitigate the condemnation until her "feeling" changed again, which it often did when it suited her immediate needs.

One thing that is really bizarre is the overlapping and inverted drama triangles. In her reality, she is the "victim", I am the "persecutor", and her parents are the rescuers. The actual reality of it is she is in control of all of the information, so her parents became indoctrinated into believing her lies and projections. They are providing the financial means for her to bully and abuse our son and me. She is attempting to use the courts and the GAL to further bully and abuse--they are are additional rescuers to her. (more like tools, that she can easily control by squirting out a few tears)

Sick, selfish behavior.

[ron7127]

Yes. It is very common, I understand. In its simplest terms, i think they need to put others down to feel okay about themselves.

I grew so weary of having to listen to the constant criticism of others and it was particularly difficult to refrain from pointing out her hypocrisy, as she was, for the most part, a much worse person than those she criticized.

[TeaAmongRoses]

Constantly.

[Shaktipat]

Constantly.

If his lips are moving, he's belittling others.

[Wimowe]

My uBPDxgf generally bad mouthed only people she perceived as having wronged her -- and me, of course!

[Jay08]

Lol yep, unless she was in front of them, then holy crap the two-faced personality kicked in.

One minute "I hate her!" then the next minute "omg your shoes are so cute we should go shopping together"!

Probably did the same thing about me to her friends now that i think about it.

[wowjer]

With me the question would be easier to answer if it asked "who didn't my ex talk crap about?"

The answer would be my brother and that is it because she met him a whole 5 times in 10 years. Everybody else was fair game.

[20years]

he didnt have a good word for anyone... .  ohhh but if they had something to offer him... .  he liked them for a short period of time... .  until he had sucked em dry... .  

I used to say "talk about a split personality" how can you rip someone to pieces verbally behaind their back yet at the same time be ever so nice to their face. Of course they met his needs... .  

[Diana82]

Mine ex frequently trash talked her exes. I should have seen this as a red flag huh?   

She never had one nice thing to say about her ex partners or any woman she had dated. 

1. Her first girlfriend was frigid, unattractive, distant, cold, fat,  her family didn't like her, and later apparently tried to rape my ex

2. Her second ex was emotionally abusive and sexually degrading and ended up being cut off brutally (by my ex)

3. A woman she went on a date with before me had a 'really bad odour' and "just stunk" and constantly 'groped' my ex in public... apparently a stinky nympho

4. Another woman she dated was obsessive and a stalker- a real 'crazy' apparently

5. Another woman she dated was again a 'crazy'

The list goes on... .  


And of course, when she met me... .  I was told I was the best thing that had happened to my ex. The "Princess" she had been waiting for.

And what do you know... I'm now being smeared as a crazy harasser after she dumped me.

[TeaAmongRoses]

J08: the two faced thing is totally my mom and it so messes with my head. She can be so sweet to people's faces and then cut them down the next. I always wonder what she must be saying/thinking about me. Can't trust any of her kind words. Been dealing with that my whole life and it is quite disorienting.

[Jay08]

Yep, i know she did it about me, because her girlfriends resented me for the longest time. I found out from her guy friends she made me out to be the boyfriend who started all the fights. Then when we were together shed act like i was the greatest thing ever and her chick friends would be like "wth".

It was only after the relationship her girlfriends came around and seen me for who i truely am.

And if your exes have the same fate as mine, do not sweat it, everyone will see through her.

She has successfully lost all her friends because of this trait she has, she can not keep friends for more than a few months. And i have recently found out the new boy toy she replaced me for was cheating on her and she must have found out because now shes back to some super coodependent guy she was talking to when we broke up the first time and has returned to that group of people.

They cant keep relationships or friendships. Karma has came around for my ex, it will come around for yours as well.

[angel123]

My ex did this all the time. He said negative things about almost every single person he's ever known. Didn't matter if it were family, friends, or ex girlfriends. This happened constantly. He would make fun of a few friensd in particular quite frequently. The odd thing is that those two people are probably the closest to him as far as friends. Of course, all of his ex girlfriends and ex wife all cheated on him. Interesting that someone would have that luck that EVERY single person cheated on him. I of course would find out these crazy stories he told me were all made up lies.

[Faded]

To simplify it, id say it is their switchable and varying shades of black/white paint.

We all experienced a coat of black paint, and i think the closer you are to them when the black paint comes then the blacker you will be painted.

I.e. a partner will be painted very black, a friend will be painted a lesser shade of black, a stranger will be painted black with minimal paint requirements.

It doesnt matter who you are in a PD's life, when the paint comes out it is literally a vicinity lottery.

Although being a partner to these dark decorators puts us bang in the vicinity.


My previous decorator(ex   ) quite often painted her closest of friends quite poorly to me but i never witnessed the accusations/so called facts ever being laid bare to those friends by her.

Maybe their way of keeping their world in order and keeping all their friends close to them but at a distant from each other (in their eyes).

Who knows, who cares. 14 years on and i still hear snippets of lameness via our teen daughter, it pretty much goes over my head now and very rarely do i have an action lead by emotion from those words. I guess by her words to me via D and my NC for 19months it still bothers her or she wouldnt be sending un/concious messages.

Only few weeks ago ex had 'the big talk with daughter' again, says to D she will wait till im ready to talk with her again.

Gonna be a long wait for her.

[happiness68]

Yes, my exbfBPD did this frequently.  He didn't have very many friends, but those that he did have were married, but he did it almost daily about the people he worked with.  Each week there would be someone that he was angry at, not talking to, running down, or something along those lines.  What causes BPD's to do this?  I believe it's a type of insecurity within themselves, perhaps where they're not happy with themselves and therefore taking it out on others.

[Wooddragon]

Spot on happiness68! Every day a new drama at work - in 2 different jobs of his that I have observed there is a standard cast of characters but there is always one or two arch enemies who are totally incompetent and blah blah on and on. He seems to have made lots of sexual conquests in past jobs but those women all get talked down in addition to being talked about... Every ex gf had "problems" or "issues". Totally 2 faced as well esp about female friends (other than the ones that he wasn't shagging - with the benefit of hindsight - but wanted to)

[happiness68]

Wooddragon - yes, every ex, nearly every colleague (apart from the lucky few who slipped through the net), even his brothers!  I'll never forget how a week or so before we split up, he'd fallen out with a woman in the office who he'd called a friend, his boss and their boss.  I'm surprised he managed to hold a job down. Do you know he drove wrecklessly by car and bike and that's exactly how I would describe he would drive his own life, wrecklessly.  I remember he fell out with the last boss and was starting to do the same with this one.  Nobody was every right in his life but him. Nobody!  It's incredible.  It makes me quite sad in many ways, because there obviously was a lovely side to him (otherwise I would never have been with him in the first place).  Isn't it amazing how someone can be so driven into self destruct over and over again in every area of their life and in doing so painting everyone black, so that you must be left with just yourself in the end.  What a terribly lonely life.

[Diana82]

that's a good point happiness... .  

when my ex dumped me she sobbed "I'm a lonely person. I was lonely before I met you"

She was aware of her feeling of emptiness. And she'd even written a note to herself that she "cannot rely on others to fill the void".

yet my ex had so many friends and loving family. It was hard to understand why she was so lonely... but now I see why.

She very much idealised people, and completely trashed others. She had not one good thing to say about any ex or woman she had even been on a date with. Not one.

And how can that be? She must have liked these women in some ways or else why did she go out with them? What made her stay with her first ex for 9 months (she was telling me this ex was fat, lazy, weird, frigid, distant etc).

I think there is an awareness that they split people and wind up lonely. But they don't do anything to fix it

[happiness68]

I think depending on how badly they suffer from BPD there's a part of them that knows what they're doing.  My ex told me he was broken when we had our 3 week split.  He knows you see. I'm sure of it.  I know he also loved me, I believe he still does.  Not the way that I understand love, but his way.  Because of his stubborn ways and pride, I'm starting to realise he will probably never return, not because he doesn't want to, but because he doesn't want to appear weak.  I know on the other hand, I did everything I could have possibly done. I even changed things in myself for him and I would have gone on to do more had he not left me.  I do believe that they feel remorse.  They know they are so very lonely and in those moments alone (there aren't many, as they try to tie themselves up being busy with things, so as not to feel) they feel a little remorse, maybe a lot who knows. 

My ex didn't have many people in his life.  I know he was very lonely. He was lonely with me, so he was definitely lonely without me.  However, he's sure to have someone else in that place now, but there will be moments when he'll wish us back.  I feel it.

[Diana82]

I see... .  

Did your ex actually ever say "I'm not in love with you"? or that he "didn't have any feelings left for you'?

Mine told me this when she dumped me. And it came as a huge shock. Only 2 days before she said to me her "love is deep".   

She spoke to me about our future... .  

I was in the hospital with her by her side when her nephew was born and we looked lovingly at each other.

Then... after that argument she turns around and tells me that? She suddenly doesn't have feelings?

She looked so cold and detached when she said this too. It most likely is the splitting at work...

At the time I was so disturbed by her lack of emotion. She was a robot. This previous warm, snuggly woman was suddenly devoid of any feelings for me... .  over an argument?

[happiness68]

I don't believe that she didn't love you.  You don't just stop loving someone.  He told me he didn't love me when we split for a few weeks in July.  I know he loved me the day we broke up.  That very morning, I woke up, but he didn't know I was awake and I remember how he kissed the nape of my neck and said "I love you".  He did it when he thought I wouldn't hear it.  He didn't want to admit it to me.  He'd told me earlier in the year (april time) when I asked him if he loved me, that he would tell me he loved me when I deserved it.  You see, he didn't feel I deserved to hear it.  It didn't stop him feeling it though and I believe in my heart to this day that he still does, despite what he says to anyone else or himself.

[Diana82]

I guess non BPDs don't just stop loving someone. I still love her even though she has been awful to me.

But maybe BPDs do... .  ?

Maybe they are capable of this...

Her actions since have shown she doesn't love me. Someone who loves you wouldn't wipe you off and smear you to everyone?

It does feel like she doesn't love me... I think the fall out is what bothers me. Did she truly fall out of love after the argument? or had this been brewing for a while...

[Diana82]

i know that if I truly wanted to hurt someone because they hurt me... I might tell them I DON'T LOVE YOU!

But I may not actually mean this. b

I feel like my ex sure has hell has punished me for "burning her". er actions show disrespect, no compassion and no love and care.

So I think she has stopped loving me. And this may be due to her splitting

[happiness68]

Only she can answer that, but she won't.

I do believe they love.  I believe they fight it, even to themselves.  One day though I like to think that depending on how badly that are affected by BPD, some of them, even just a few, will realise what they lost.  I live with that consolation to myself.  You should try to do the same.  It eases the pain.

[happiness68]

The thing is though Diana that I know my ex wants me to suffer.  I am suffering, but I believe he suffers more than me in more ways than one.  Me too, I wouldn't want to hurt someone the way they've hurt us, but we're not ill are we.

[Diana82]

do you think your ex will ever contact you?

i think when my ex cuts people out- she cuts them out for life.

It's been 5 months and no attempts of her to even apologise for being so cold... not attempts to even tell me what happened to my stuff that I left at her place...

No attempts to even try to be on civil terms.

m

[happiness68]

For me it's been 3 months.  I'm not sure.  If he ever becomes totally alone again maybe.  I really don't know.  I wanted him to.  Now I just don't know anymore.  I feel so full of hurt and the need to get myself back to normal.  If I'm honest it doesn't really matte whether or not he will get in touch.  I need to get on with my life as if he's never returning.  You should do the same Diana.  Heal yourself 

[catalina]

Mine talks crap about others all the time, but acts differently when he talks TO them. He has called his ex wife "s***head" ever since I've known him. I thought it would go away after a while, but 8 years later, and I've never heard him call her by her name. He still talks to her too, but is always nice to her, although he blamed all of their marriage problems on her.

He never has called me by my name either, just says "hey" to me when he wants to talk to me. What's that all about?