I am dumbfounded

[spaceace]

Last night I was on Craigslist and I saw my wife had listed my property for sale. I am totally floored!

I sent her a text asking her to remove the item for sale immediately and to refrain from selling any of my property from this time forward.

In response she texts me the following:

Now that you have blamed me for your own insanity, do you feel better about yourself? You still don't get the girl. But you have a big steel bike rack you can't use.

I have NEVER said anything to her these last 2 months other than trying to engage in a conversation as to why she kicked me and my children out again. Why won't she talk with me. Why won't she explain what is going on. I have NEVER called her any derogatory or insinuated anything negative like her being insane.

It has become too much. I tried to engage her again to allow me to come back to our rental home and get my property and she threatens me with police action if I go there.

I have contacted the rental property owner and asked for her to allow me to have access to the house when my wife isn't there. I am hopeful she will allow this and help me. I am genuinely afraid to be around my wife. I don't doubt for a moment she will try to start a fight and will call the police on me.

[id-crisis]

Last night I was on Craigslist and I saw my wife had listed my property for sale. I am totally floored!

I sent her a text asking her to remove the item for sale immediately and to refrain from selling any of my property from this time forward.

In response she texts me the following:

Now that you have blamed me for your own insanity, do you feel better about yourself? You still don't get the girl. But you have a big steel bike rack you can't use.

I have NEVER said anything to her these last 2 months other than trying to engage in a conversation as to why she kicked me and my children out again. Why won't she talk with me. Why won't she explain what is going on. I have NEVER called her any derogatory or insinuated anything negative like her being insane.

It has become too much. I tried to engage her again to allow me to come back to our rental home and get my property and she threatens me with police action if I go there.

I have contacted the rental property owner and asked for her to allow me to have access to the house when my wife isn't there. I am hopeful she will allow this and help me. I am genuinely afraid to be around my wife. I don't doubt for a moment she will try to start a fight and will call the police on me.

If you have no luck with the property owner, could you ask your local police for an escorted visit? They do that in the UK if it's appropriate and it certainly sounds so in your case!

[spaceace]

I got an email back from the home owners attorney. She will not assist me. I have asked if I am legally allowed to get my property when she is not at home. I refuse to see her in any way. I do not doubt she will start a fight and do whatever she can to instigate an issue that will, in her mind, warrant the police to be called.

I feel like I'm in a total no win situation. I feel like I am going to lose all my and my children's property.

The worst part is, I still have plenty of her property at my current home. She left all sorts of stuff here when she moved out in 2011. I have kept my house while we rented another house, and I moved half my life in with her. I am so regretting this.

If there is a reason to fear a person with BPD, this is it folks. I don't know what more can be offered to see the light and stay as far away as possible. I wish I never got involved with such a person who is mentally ill. Mentally unstable and willing to go to any lengths to run a persons life. I am getting to the place where I just say forget it all, and keep my stuff and sell it. It can always be replaced.

But I have to tell you, it really rubbed me to wrong way to see my stuff for sale on Craigslist!

And here is another thing. She kicked me out. I did not leave on a whim. She demanded a year separation. I tried to get back with her in June of last year and we shared time together, but I did not move back in. Why? Who knows, but she did not allow it... .  but I continued to financially help her out in every way possible bar paying for the rent. And that is her bone of contention. I should have paid the rent when she kicked me and my kids out? Really? I really would like some feedback about that, because I am feeling rather guilty that maybe paying her bills, and paying for her food while we were separated was going above and beyond, and now I really wish I didn't pay for anything!

What are the thoughts here? Should I have been paying her rent?

[Rose Tiger]

What items does she have that belong to you?  It might be a good time for a lawyer, at least to establish date of separation and start working on the separation agreement. The wife that you knew and loved has left the building, I'm sorry that you have to deal with the evil twin now.  Very rough stuff.  A lawyer could be a good cushion to avoid these conversations.

[spaceace]

I have a lot of tools. A piano. My clothes, my children's clothes. Children's stuff, not sure what they still have there. I have furniture. Books. Music. stuff like that.

Contacting a lawyer may be beneficial, but the key is, my wife will demand to be there when I come to get my property and I am trying to avoid that at ALL costs at this point. Yes, the evil twin is alive and on a rampage. And I do NOT want to be in the same house with her. Too many possibilities for her to make something up and call the police. I am VERY afraid of being around her because of that. I know what she is capable of. I have been to more court cases with her and her 'ex' than I care to recount and I know what things she has said to the police and the courts about him. The good thing for him, they didn't buy into it most of the time. Regardless of that, I know how vindictive she is capable of being. I also know she won't hesitate to call the police on me. I experienced that with her during our living together.

One day she ripped into my then, 19 year old so for not cleaning the ring around our bathroom toilet upstairs, this was one of his chores. He was beyond livid. That particular day, all the kids were home doing chores, or were supposed to be, and her kids did nada! Not one chore. We had gone out and when we got back, my son told her that her kids refused to do chores. So she did NOTHING to her kids, but instead, walked around the house with the chore chart and went over everything with a fine tooth comb that my son was supposed to do. This did not sit well with my son. When she told him to go clean the toilet, he flipped out. She went outside and I had tried to talk with him to keep peace in the house and told him not to worry about what her kids did or didn't do. Just go do this last thing.

Our conversation escalated and I ended up yelling at him, at this point, my wife comes into the house and tells me if I say another word to him, she would call the police. I looked at her and tried to talk and she picked up the phone and dialed 911. I left for several hours without talking with her where I was going or when I would come back. I wanted to just get my kids and leave by this point.

Needless to say, later that night, I came back and we talked for an hour f not more and resolved the issue. I was sweet talking and dancing all over the place trying to assure her I had her back and I was doing what I could to resolve the issue. And you know what? Her kids NEVER did do their chores, and they never got any repercussions for it. It really stuck in my hat about this. We often fought about chores and cleanup. Mostly it was aimed at my kids and I was mostly the peace keeper trying to get my kids to understand her OCD and ADHD and how important it was for us to just tow the line.

I swear, I do not know how my kids did not demand to move in with their mother! I have custody and it's a 70/30 split. So, they are mostly with me.

All I can say now is, I am glad to have them as far out of there as possible.

[Rose Tiger]

Ex is severely enmeshed with his daughter, too.  He had a rule, any shoes left out got hidden for a few days.  So my daughter and his older daughter had times of hidden shoes.  I went along with it to keep the peace.  Then one day his younger daughter left her shoes out, he took them up to her room.  What the?

My T said it isn't out of love they do this, it's because anything said against them is like saying it about the ex.  Ex doesn't care what his daughter thinks or feels, he is only concerned with how it feels to him.

So weird.  Anyhow, a lawyer can negotiate a transfer and you can have the police or friends accompany you.  Do not for any reason be alone with her, ever.  Be safe!  A lawyer might be costly now but better to go into a bit of debt rather than lose everything.  I'll bet your kids are much happier now, my teen is so glad to have her Mom back.  That is definitely a silver lining.

[spaceace]

Sadly, my daughter misses my wife. My wife at times could be very loving and sweet to her. Other times, completely indifferent. I did not like this. I feel like sometimes I sacrificed my daughter to maintain a marriage. My wife would always say, you treat your daughter like your wife. She never could explain what I was doing to make her feel that, but she often threw that out there if I wanted to spend time with her of buy her something. It was stressful.

I am contacting lawyers today. Enough is enough. I cannot file till May though, so it's a loong way out...  

[seeking balance]

are you on the lease or title of the house?

[Rose Tiger]

Poor daughter, how confusing for her.  It's bad enough we were treated unkind, to do it to a kid, such a sad situation.

Maybe call up the police, too.  They have got to be familiar with these situations and they may be able to advise you, too.  You have every right to your stuff that isn't marital property, like the kids' clothes.

I know you can't file for divorce yet but can't you get a legal separation on the books?  Something that can be transferred to the divorce when the time comes.  I get this feeling she will push back about the date of separation, I get the feeling she will push back on a lot of things.  Have you heard about the book "Splitting" by Eddy?  This can help you with the upcoming twists and turns.

www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254

Oh, good question, Seeking Balance!

[spaceace]

I believe you are correct about the push back. I am contacting attorneys today.

I am on the lease. She has broken the lease. I signed off on the lease and will not be responsible for any payments after February.

I am the sole owner of my home. She is not on the deed. I built my house 6 years before I met her.

[seeking balance]

I believe you are correct about the push back. I am contacting attorneys today.

I am on the lease. She has broken the lease. I signed off on the lease and will not be responsible for any payments after February.

I am the sole owner of my home. She is not on the deed. I built my house 6 years before I met her.

if you are on the lease - take a copy of the lease with a police officer escort and go to the rental property to remove your items. Make a list and take pictures to have if you need later in court.

[spaceace]

I believe I may have worked it out... fingers crossed. I told her I would send a list of items that I expected her to leave there and I will get my stuff AFTER she moved out. Period, end of story. I only hope she agrees. If so, then no more issues.

Thank you all for replying... what a day... tired of this woman and all this stress...

[Neverknow]

I believe you are correct about the push back. I am contacting attorneys today.

I am on the lease. She has broken the lease. I signed off on the lease and will not be responsible for any payments after February.

I am the sole owner of my home. She is not on the deed. I built my house 6 years before I met her.

if you are on the lease - take a copy of the lease with a police officer escort and go to the rental property to remove your items. Make a list and take pictures to have if you need later in court.

This, if you are on the lease, you have a right to be on the property.

[seeking balance]

I believe I may have worked it out... fingers crossed. I told her I would send a list of items that I expected her to leave there and I will get my stuff AFTER she moved out. Period, end of story. I only hope she agrees. If so, then no more issues.

Thank you all for replying... what a day... tired of this woman and all this stress...

ummm... .  I can see you are trying to be reasonable here - do you really think this is going to happen?  Looking back on your posts, it doesn't seem like she has been reasonable to this point - what makes you think "this time" it will be different.

If you WANT the stuff - go get it, you are on the lease.

If you wait, assume you will not get it and be willing to LET GO.

Sorry if this is coming across harsh - not my intent at all - having gone through a divorce, it pushes all of the abandonment buttons.  BPD is rooted in abandonment - maladaptive behavior in relatively sane people is seen in the divorce process - with BPD - it is a very good bet you will see A LOT of maladaptive behavior.

Does the woman capable of listing your items on Craigs list seem like the woman that is going to leave your stuff to pick up?

[Rose Tiger]

This is an interesting article:

www.BPDcentral.com/borderline-disorder/hallmarks-of-BPD/

This part caught my eye

After we separated, my borderline wife and I sorted out a time when she wouldn’t be home when I would come to pick up my belongings. At the agree-upon time, she went into some kind of real panic and told me she thought I was coming there to rape her.

They don't think like us. The quote shows you how out of sync they can become.

[spaceace]

I understand I am on the lease. The problem is, she has threatened me with calling the police each and every time I have tried to go over there. The only way possible is to show up when she is at work. Then my concern is, after I show up, take my stuff and am gone, will she call the police and inform them she was robbed  - by me! And will I be arrested? I am scared poopless she will do exactly that to me. There's no doubt in my mind.

And you are right, I sent her an email explaining my plan and she has yet to respond. Although I have been courteous and responded she can come to my home and pick up all of her property. I will pack it up and place it in the garage and I will only need a 48 hour heads up to get it all together.

Any response from her about leaving my stuff so I can pick it up after she moves out? Nope... .  not at all...  

I hate this. I am so angered at myself. I could have let this woman walk away in 2011 and been fine. But I didn't. I chased her.

She packed her bags up in 2011. The reason? She wanted a babysitter in the house after her 3 kids came home from school.

Now here is how defective my thinking was turning already back then. I had ASKED can we talk about adding an expenditure like a babysitter to our finances. I didn't see a need to do this since both my 19 year old son (who drove a round trip of 80 miles daily to get them from their private school we paid for) and brought them home while I was at home working. The two of us were always home. Then my daughter would come home within a half hour of them being home. See the picture, the whole family is home EXCEPT her and she wants us to bring a babysitter in the house for an hour and a half before she gets home from work? Really? Anyone else see this as absurd?

So when I said those simple words, can we talk about this, the response was " shut the "f" up! I am done trying to convince you what my needs are!

I walked out of the house. I could not take this.

I say, I was already getting brainwashed because I actually came back and started to beg her that we can get a babysitter, we can do whatever she wants, I want her to know she has the room to make a decision when it comes to her kids and I will get her back and stand behind her. Two weeks later, she moved out! For 2 weeks, I barely saw or talked with her. She was basically cutting me off and not even willing to allow me to sleep in my own bed.

It was brutal.

To compound issues, she got really angry at me for not HELPING HER MOVE! She laid into me like no ones business about this when she was moving that day.

Now two weeks after she moves out, we re-connect. She needed something from me, can't recall what, and I drove to downtown where she worked and she cried and I cried and we started to see each other again.

We immediately talked about moving back in together, but she was NEVER going to move back to my house. So, she wanted to move 40 miles away where her kids went to private school. It is the only school of this kind in our state and my son drove daily to pick her kids up. Can't recall a single thanks about that either, he was expected to do this.

So, off I went to find a house on a farm where we could have chickens and possibly goats... Some acreage if possible. And sure enough I found it. 1 acre already set up for chickens, we just needed to buy them. So, over the next 4 months while we were moving back towards each other, I stopped paying my mortgage so I could break her lease and put a deposit on this house. We had to wait a month and a half before we could move because of the timing with the folks still living there. Now, granted, I did not tell my wife I stopped paying my mortgage. But she had made a very strong and adamant request of me to do exactly that. And I DID.

She will swear to you to this day, she never told me to let my mortgage go and rent this house, BUT, I never heard her complain once while I was laying out all this cash for breaking the lease and renting the new house. She knew my financial situation and knew I didn't have money like this to throw around.

It really irked me when after we got back together in this new house and she ripped me a new one, telling me I should have never let me house go into foreclosure and I should have discussed this with her! Wha?

How does she think we got into this house? Really? You told me to care about something more than my house! Which never made sense to me. I resented that she did all that to me.

Sorry to rant, but I need to get this out there... again. It's helping me to see how miserable my life has been with this woman.

Then after 9 months of living there, one day out of the blue, sends me a text while I am at a 12 step program and tells me she doesn't want me to come home and she wants a year separation. Really... even as I read that, I can only see, sucker! You are a sucker!

[seeking balance]

space ace - there is a solution... .  you call the police and ask them to escort you to get your things... .  you don't have to be a victim.

I know this is hard, honestly, I do.  Only you can decide if you really want your things or if you are willing to let them go.

[spaceace]

seeking balance, I appreciate your suggestion. I do not view myself as being the victim here. I can call the police and get an escort and have them there when I move out. I understand that. I DO NOT want to see her. There in lies the problem for me. I would rather forego ever seeing my stuff again, then to have to see her. I cannot stomach the thought of seeing this woman. Under any circumstance.   

That is why I will need to find out the ramifications of going there when she is not home. I will have to call the police and see what the legalities of this are.

Thank's for responding... and reading my posts... I do appreciate it greatly... .  

[seeking balance]

I will have to call the police and see what the legalities of this are.

great idea!

I know seeing them is hard, I do... .  I still hope to not ever run into mine.  Sometimes we have to weigh out what is most important - stuff or possible contact - there is no right answer and you will be ok no matter what you choose to do, honestly.  This too shall pass.