My attempts to improve making him worse

[sadeyes]

My attempts to improve my situation are making things worse. It is like he is trying to bully me into doing whatever he wants.

I have been trying very hard to wrap my mind around taking care of myself. I am trying to do things that will improve my life regardless of his role in my life.

I have been trying to internally detach a bit, so I am not so hurt by his words. But it is only making him worse not better. His insults are worse and more frequent. His willingness to participate in the relationshup has decreased. It takes nothing for him to call me names or threaten me. I've been walking away, but I cannot leave my house every day in an escape to get away from me.

He has chosen to be fiscally irresponsible. He states that because he goes to work 5 days a week, he should be able to buy what he wants if he has $ or not. I'm stuck paying the bills if I want to have basic necessities like shelter and utilities. Anything I say about $ and I get attacked about my job, I don't make enough $ bla bla bla

I am covertly insulted many times per day even when he is not having an "episode" for not doing what he wants or just because he feels it.

He does nothing for himself, and I think he wants a mommy. My failure to do something he wants resulta in chaos. I have been asked to dress him ( I mean I was asked recently to put his pants on for him), bathe him, etc etc.

What can I do better?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[CodependentHusband]

Stay the course. When we first start to change, it confuses them and makes them feel very insecure. It will pass. Often, there will be what is called an "extinction burst." This is a last big rage usually over a particular aspect of how your behavior has changed. Being consistent in how you act is the key to making the transition as fast as it can be. There are no shortcuts to this, unfortunately, but after you make it through, things will start to get better.

[Cloudy Days]

They get worse before they get better. They see you aren't responding how you usually respond so they get louder and more threatening. It's exactly like a bully. Just the other day my husaband got really mad at me for something little, I think I turned the water on while he was in the shower. I apologised because I was truly sorry, I forgot he was in there. Anyways, when he came out and started slamming things I ignored him, I didn't even look at him. Of course that made him more angry. He was putting on the show for me and I wasn't paying attention to it. It's callled an extinction burst. It sucks though because you have to hold to your guns while they get worse than usual. Then eventually they will stop.

My husband doesn't work at all and he still feels entitled to money that we don't even have. He started asking me how much money I am going to give him from our tax return. I don't even know how much we are getting and I have to make sure to stock up on food, so I guess that's what my half is gonna go for. So glad I work to buy food and he doesn't work and gets to buy guitars and things of that nature.

I am interested in his insults when he is not having an episode. My husband is extremely sarcastic and will spend an entire day in a great mood but all day long he will insult me in some form or another. He's not mad at me but will say mean things in the form of a joke or act like he is joking about it. If I get mad because of it, that makes me a btch because he didn't mean anything by it.

[briefcase]

Just remember, you are working on yourself--not him.  Your mission here is to improve your life, not fix him.  As you make changes, he will react.  Often, the reactions are negative and result in more extreme behaviors from our partners.  Stay the course.  What you are working on is good for you and for the health of the relationship (and him), even if he doesn't see it that way. 

Stick to the plan.  What you are going through is completely normal.

[sadeyes]

I am interested in his insults when he is not having an episode. My husband is extremely sarcastic and will spend an entire day in a great mood but all day long he will insult me in some form or another. He's not mad at me but will say mean things in the form of a joke or act like he is joking about it. If I get mad because of it, that makes me a btch because he didn't mean anything by it.

Guitars... .  I think he will have enough to start a store soon.

Yes, the insults are pretty bad. I couldnt even come up with some of the things he says. And even if they're not insults, they're critical of my every move. I'm driving too fast  too slow, in the wrong lane, I should have added x to dinner, and don't let me mention that something in my life is a stress right now, because I am given the while list of how its my fault that it is difficult. How can my boss put up with me? He sees my shortcomings all the time and can't imagine how anyone puts up with me.

Then the name calling. Don't date disagree with him on anything, or I'm instantly a bc pu**y, moron  stupid or a number of other things. I can even have a different opinion on something as simple as the order we do errands in.

The personal attacks are pretty bad too, and if I dont like it I'm told I have no sense of humor. The other Sunday morning I was taking longer than he liked to get out of bed. I was told to "get my bigness" out of bed. When I called him on it, he told me he was referring to my big heart, and I had no sense of humor. This coming from the man who likes to call me fat and tell me I need to drop some pounds. The man who demands for to get on the scale in front of him so he can see what I weigh because it MUST be at least xyz. I flat out refuse. I'm guessing this is a concern over his own weight, because I am proportionate for my height, and he is probable 75-100 lbs overweight.

[Cloudy Days]

sadeyes, I could have written the same thing. My husband also attacks my weight, he is the same exact size as me, same height and same weight. However when I attempt to loose weight he starts to dysregulate because that means I am going to leave him. I guess if I am trying to look better that means I am looking for someone else 

I hate when he is raging and saying the mean stuff but when he isn't raging he is suppose to be supportive and loving right. That's why the insults are low blows to me. He always goes after my cooking, my driving, my interests in music, movies, the way I look or dress, how I do my makeup (which is for him). It drives me insane sometimes! I've even called him out on it before, I knew he was in a great mood and I simply made a point to ask him not to insult me. Everything that comes out of his mouth can be an insult, but it isn't meant to be mean, he's just playing.

My husband also will get royally pissed off if I disagree on something. Doesn't even have to be something that will affect us in any way shape or form. If he askes me about something like a house that he likes and wants to possibly buy. (we can't buy a house right now, he likes to look) I will tell him something about the house that I don't like and he will get angry with me because I don't agree that this is the best house ever. It's not like we were actually going to buy the house. But I get painted black for having an opinion.

[Silkroad]

oh my dear I was just about to write something along the same lines, of husband getting worse, but your post just tells it all! its a shame we have to live through it. I havent been hit by his mean words much lately, but today I cried, and my vulnerability made him go even further. I sometimes think I am crazy to endure this. My problem is with him wanting to 'discuss' things in front of our 4 years old, so i have been successful is setting the rule that in front of him we dont 'talk things through' (as if we ever did). But as i am 39 weeks pregnant, he is only nerves! went from  not understanding sth i wrote in a piece of paper, to divorce and how much he hates his life including me. And my son listening from downstairs. my son did tell him off later and he apologized to him(I heard as i was in the kitchen). But for me I am left with the pains of the insults. Its abuse all the screaming at me specially when i am in this state. He even said to me to find someone else to be my birth partner - although i was considering this without telling him, but thought he would be so jealous i decided to let him be it... .  well, at least with the health professionals around he will behave. I have written about it elsewhere recently. I think we are a bit crazy to stick to it.  He is not diagnosed officially, but since i found this site a light has been shed in my situation, so many decisions i made where when i was blind he would improve or that he was normal... .  knowing about this BPD condition makes a lot of sense. I just dont have the energy or the interest to deal with attention seeking! so fed up right now! sorry to be only talking about myself in your post, but I understand where you are coming from, you are not alone

[Chosen]

sadeyes, what you're going through is difficult, but it's also normal and as many members say, it does get better with time.  Meanwhile, focus on doing what's right (RIGHT right instead of HIS standard of "right", which may be the exact opposite of what he wants.

He may get frustrated, hence the "extinction burst", but he will eventually know you are not going to change.

And what can you do when he hurls insults at you?  Here's what I do many times:

COMMUNICATION: Wise Mind - respond, don't react

[waverider]

You are trying to change what has become ingrained personalty traits. That takes a long time in regular folks let alone in a pwBPD. Add to this you are more attuned to the right you have not to be subjected to it, and it becomes a hard slog.

Make the most of time outs to reduce the resentment building causing you to snap back and undoing the hard work