an open confession/apology for any one who cares

[Joseph54]

Betterorworse

Your wife's change is genuine as she continues to follow God's direction and live in his presence. It is only when her faith is like a child that you know that God, who is within her, is working. She is in a perfect place to receive healing and direction from God.

God wants to have a relationship with us and us to have a relationship with him.

It is quite amazing to see God at work. God has healed, guided and protected me also in the past and still does today. All these things I have also experienced with child like faith.

Thank God

Joe  

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[LetItBe]

I am very happy for you, too, betterorworse.  Hoping for continued healing for both of you.

[betterorworse]

Been a while... . The last seven months have been extremely difficult. My wife's childhood trauma and rape as an adult have drastically affected her ability to function on a daily basis, despite her faith in God and sweet disposition now. She has been hospitalized six times this year in the mental facilities of four hospitals, each time considering suicide. At one faciltiy they insisted on a particular exam that was very reminiscent of what she was made to do as a child. The mainstream medical community has no idea how to treat this. They just traumatize her more. At the last facility a male kitchen staff member pulled her behind a wall and tried to kiss her. Now she won't go back. It's as though the perverts and rapists can see it in her, smell it on her. She's just too weak and scared, and they know it. At least she's keeping her promise to tell me when she's feeling like dying and has a plan. In addition to the BPD diagnosis, the psychs and therapist have officially surmised she suffers from PTSD and rape trauma syndrome. Too many triggers... . As her ability to bury the memories continues to be weakened she is subjected to horrific nightmares (she shakes all night), a fear of all men and the world in general. Most days she can't walk to the mailbox. This has kept her from a lot of AA meetings she should be attending. She's medicated, with anti depressants, valium and seraquil, but also had pain killers for her back and neck and supposedly accidentally OD'd. That was a fun night. Sometimes it feels like it won't ever end. She won't go to church anymore because people hug. She's become some kind of "touch freak" for lack of a better term. There are days she lays in bed and I can't go near her. Her therapist is trying to get her into a trauma faciltity for women so as to get the kind of care she needs. Slow process. Insurance is not being cooperative. I owe enough to file bankruptcy now. I just realized I'm rambling a bit.

I wish I could take it from her. Take all the pain and put it into me. No one should have to go through this. To be so damaged as a child, so abused that one develops BPD is something for which "unfair" is a completely inadequate term. Then to be traumatized again as an adult by yet another monster, someone we trusted is too much to even contemplate from outside, let alone within. I realize now she is not, and never was a monster herself. It was the only she could cope. Now I know why her mind built all the walls and made her act so horrible. Without the protective mechanisms the stark reality is horrifying and ugly, and seemingly insurmountable. I now view her as the bravest person I know. To have any will to live after enduring all this is remarkable. To have the ability now to be kind and fight the BPD tendencies is amazing. My BPD wife rocks. I love her, and I'm proud to call her my wife.

[MaybeSo]

   

[briefcase]

It's always good to get an update.  I'm sorry your wife still struggles so much.  You sound good though, calm and centered.  I'm sure it must be difficult though.

[Rapt Reader]

Her therapist is trying to get her into a trauma faciltity for women so as to get the kind of care she needs. Slow process. Insurance is not being cooperative. I owe enough to file bankruptcy now. I just realized I'm rambling a bit.

I wish I could take it from her. Take all the pain and put it into me. No one should have to go through this. To be so damaged as a child, so abused that one develops BPD is something for which "unfair" is a completely inadequate term. Then to be traumatized again as an adult by yet another monster, someone we trusted is too much to even contemplate from outside, let alone within. I realize now she is not, and never was a monster herself. It was the only she could cope. Now I know why her mind built all the walls and made her act so horrible. Without the protective mechanisms the stark reality is horrifying and ugly, and seemingly insurmountable. I now view her as the bravest person I know. To have any will to live after enduring all this is remarkable. To have the ability now to be kind and fight the BPD tendencies is amazing. My BPD wife rocks. I love her, and I'm proud to call her my wife.

I hope with all my heart and soul that your wife's Therapist can find a way to get her into the facility that he believes will help her now... . And your change of attitude and growth as a human being is remarkable; I believe God will honor that. You are both in my prayers 

[rj47]

I wish I could take it from her. Take all the pain and put it into me. No one should have to go through this.

My BPD wife rocks. I love her, and I'm proud to call her my wife.

Maddening isn't it?

I’m gradually accepting that my BPDw will never likely confront the monsters that contributed to her PTSD in adolescence and evolved into full blown classic BPD as an adult. I was drawn to her strength and tenacious grasp on living life on the edge. Nevertheless, the past, life and chronic illnesses wore her down.

I used to get angry for her seeming refusal to face down the demons; instead displacing the accumulated rage and hurt on me. Becoming the victim was easy and I played it well. However, it was the illnesses and related substance abuse that were wild cards that almost killed her and destroyed us.  The numerous and chaotic events of those times are not worth posting.

My wife didn’t deserve the hand that she was dealt early in life. And, she deserved better from me for the past 30-years. I ask G*d daily when the miracle that will be a substantive start to her healing will show. I fully accept that it starts with me.

Loving on her with all the intensity I can bring to bear while being the adult in the relationship is difficult, but the only reasonable path. The “placeholders” for her BPD induced rage are still there, but beginning to lose their intensity. I hate it at times, but for whatever reason that’s the hand I have been dealt as well as my faith and hope dictate that I am accountable only for how I respond to life. Pretty simple.

For some of us, being the best we can be for our SO is the only reasonable path. I’ve rejected what T’s, friends and well intentioned people offer … “you gotta take care of number one”. That’s my makers problem to explain or not when and if my actions are weighed in judgment.

I may not be able to heal or otherwise “fix” my wife, but I sure as h*ll intend to beat the monsters at the game their playing. It’s a serious game with both our lives on the line. Right now we’re winning (despite setbacks) and she’s starting to acknowledge the effort even if she’s not fully ready to confront the darkness.

Maybe we have no choice but to do it for them the best we can until they can. Maybe they never do…and maybe the miracle shows. If your wife has faith based hope; perhaps that is the best starting place. It might be for you as well, but IMO demands much more of you than her.

Hang in there bro. That tragedy of your wife’s situation is a hard thing for you to bear in love as a husband. I understand you rage…been there myself.

G*d bless, take care of yourself and her.