Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 12:49:46 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Survey: How do you compare?
Adult Children Sensitivity
67% are highly sensitive
Romantic Break-ups
73% have five or more recycles
Physical Hitting
66% of members were hit
Depression Test
61% of members are moderate-severe
108
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: what the heck  (Read 383 times)
wowjer
***
Offline Offline

Posts: 104


« on: January 15, 2013, 02:40:58 PM »

Ok,

Quick run down.  Now EXuBPDw left 5 months ago for another man.  3rd time in 10 years.  We have two children.  Upon divorce, she has no insurance. 

I work EXTREMELY close with an excellent psychiatrist in my field.  He is a friend of mine. 

Over three years, he met my ex once at my house and they communicated via text 4 times over those 3 years. 

I told my friend (the doctor) that my ex would attempt to contact him for some reason in the future.  I was expecting springtime in attempt to use him for something. 

Understand this, she left and we have separate lives.  She lives in one county, I live in another.  I have worked with this doctor EVERY DAY for 3 years straight. 

WHY WOULD SHE CONTACT HIM?  He informed me today that he received a weird text from xxx-xxx-xxxx and asked to get together. 

It isnt a sexual thing.  She is 29... .  30 in 2 weeks and he is 65.  What is she using him for?  To get under my skin? 

I am anxious mostly because I have been able to almost predict her behaviors over the past 5 years.  I even predicted her leaving for another guy (to myself).  ... .  *this has been a pattern*.  I expected this to happen and yet I am somewhat hurt by the fact that IT ACTUALLY DID HAPPEN. 

Now, I am detaching and she knows it.  I have not responded to any of her texts for weeks.  What the HECK. 

I know we all just speculate, but I can only come up with a reason or three for the contact. 

1.  To annoy me

2   To try and get free counseling or something

3   To hang in my life somehow. 

I am really close with this doctor.  BLAH
Logged
GreenMango
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 4326



« Reply #1 on: January 15, 2013, 02:49:08 PM »

It could be any of that.  Mine did some very questionable things regarding my friends and family.  It's her acting on impulse.  It could be an inappropriate thing or not. 

Unfortunately, being in a pressure cooker with a person like this can leave us hypervigilant or train us to be.  Been there, we have to train ourselves to responsive not reactive.  It's amazing even when it's done the power we allow this person to have to lead our own emotions. 

I found either brushing this stuff off or waiting to see what the real deal is helps.  I don't build it up too much in head first.

Can ya just wait til your friend shows you or just tell him you don't want to know?

Speculating on her motives and what she could possibly do is a great way to drive yourself nuts.
Logged

Justadude
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 122



« Reply #2 on: January 15, 2013, 03:23:00 PM »

my ex talked a lot of trash behind my back. its basically trash talking and manipulation and some intention, mostly to "PRESS" your buttons. they can make the sky appear purple although its blue if you know what i mean.
Logged
id-crisis
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 249



« Reply #3 on: January 16, 2013, 07:11:07 PM »

I hope your doc friend isn't going along with it, I'd think that was quite inappropriate?
Logged
wowjer
***
Offline Offline

Posts: 104


« Reply #4 on: January 16, 2013, 08:33:12 PM »

id-crisis

I HAVE REITERATED THAT SAME STATEMENT OVER AND OVER.  I said to him " i am not going to tell you what to do, but she is trying to get something".  That is all i said. 

He knows personality disorders more than i could ever, but he continues to say that he "has only met a few REAL borderlines in his life".  I say yeah, cause they dont usually try to get treatment unless it is inpatient hospitalization.  Rare outpatient. 

we will see. 

thank you. 
Logged
Faded
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 324


« Reply #5 on: January 16, 2013, 11:25:57 PM »

Instincts tell me she will make the point of contact the children.

Can only that view that as her possible contact entry point.

Youve not stated what contact she has had with the children since she left but from previous memory your views were that she wouldnt be in contact IIRC.

Contact could be geniune to set up some sort of possible schedule or could be a control/manipulation/recycle attempt.


At a guess, her new honeymoon has fizzled out and is looking to hitch a ride into the next honeymoon suite.


At least process what she has to say if she says anything at all, then gauge what it she is saying to what it is she is wanting.

Your call but children are involved and ultimately their needs will be greater than yours or hers and that should be the basis of your decision. To put your own emotion aside whilst making a decision best for your children isnt always easy to ones self when there is always a bull in the china shop but to do such would be so bebeficial to the children.

Ultimately you know your personal situation and not all horses are for courses but itll give you something to think if and when you get to that bridge and decide wether or not to cross it.

Smiling (click to insert in post)
Logged

No excuse for abuse...
Healing is a process, do not expect too much from yourself too soon.
copingwithhim

*
Offline Offline

Posts: 49


« Reply #6 on: January 17, 2013, 07:57:17 AM »

Don't let their age difference allow you to believe that nothing is possible!

My stbx uBPDh once admitted to me that at the age of 27, he was sleeping with a 74 year old woman; a woman he was supposed to be taking care of.  It all took place while he was married the first time... .  and sleeping with their roommate.   

My guess of your situation, is that she'll approach him regarding what she believes to be 'your' issues.  She'll be playing the victim and creating the possibility of triangulation (read definition).

Please let us know what comes of it.

coping(without)him

Logged
id-crisis
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 249



« Reply #7 on: January 17, 2013, 10:34:59 PM »

My guess of your situation, is that she'll approach him regarding what she believes to be 'your' issues.  She'll be playing the victim and creating the possibility of triangulation (read definition).

Or the children or her new man's issues?    There's no telling, but yes, whoever may be the subject, I couldn't help but believe it's most definitely an attempt at triangulation (read definition) of some description.

It must be horribly unsettling for you wowjer and I'm sorry you are being forced to deal with it, I find it very sad that your friend is allowing it to happen  



Logged
id-crisis
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 249



« Reply #8 on: January 17, 2013, 10:45:20 PM »

At least process what she has to say if she says anything at all, then gauge what it she is saying to what it is she is wanting.

Smiling (click to insert in post)

I'm guessing from his own post that he is probably not privilege to that information. The doc friend must already know what her request pertains to, and obviously hasn't shared that much information  


It's very unfair and disrespectful of them both to give wowjer just enough info to make him concerned but not enough to allay any natural fear or alarm that a development of this nature would likely cause  
Logged
id-crisis
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 249



« Reply #9 on: January 17, 2013, 11:17:47 PM »

I am anxious mostly because I have been able to almost predict her behaviors over the past 5 years.  I even predicted her leaving for another guy (to myself).  ... .  *this has been a pattern*.  I expected this to happen and yet I am somewhat hurt by the fact that IT ACTUALLY DID HAPPEN.  

I allowed myself to be recycled so many times. From the beginning it didn't take long to recognize the patterns and be able to predict my exes behaviour to a degree (a big degree, same ___ different day basically) ... .   but for some reason, I was still always incredibly disappointed that I could never make things change and waver from that pattern.  I tried every approach I could think of to steer it back onto the straight and narrow but he wasn't having any of it.  It wasn't so much a dance, as a broken record, yet I still didn't give up trying!  I must have been insane to not listen to my inner voice telling me to give up and get the hell out, long before... .  but then again, I'd never heard of BPD or understood what narcissism is really about ... .  or co-dependancy and fog and all that stuff.

Yeah, no-one likes to be disappointed, especially when you're expecting it!   Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)







Logged
GreenMango
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 4326



« Reply #10 on: January 18, 2013, 01:09:08 AM »

wowjer

Being able to predict the unpredictable... .  well it's just not right that we can get to this place after spending enough time with a person.

A couple of things I noticed that may help a bit about the recent turn of events.  BPD has a four impairments empathy, intimacy, self direction and identity ... .  along with a other behaviors that are pretty common in the disorder hostility, avoiding abandonment, mood lability (mood swings), poor coping skills (defense mechanisms) and impulsive etc.

But Identity and Empathy impairments can do what's going on here.  Lack of identity means more than just not knowing who you are it also means having difficulty with knowing boundaries between people and gauging appropriate behavior.  And an impairment in empathy is also not being able to realize the effect or properly gauge the affect of behavior on others or to be extremely self-referencing in thoughts and actions with little thought to others. 

Is it respectful she would invade your private life and personal space including friends/coworkers... .  no

Is it appropriate... .  no

Is it to be expected with a person who struggles with empathy and identity issues... .  yeah.

It may help to read up on the Karpman Triangle/conflict dynamics workshop in the Learning Center boards.  It a good guide to see some of the behavior a bit and it teaches how to not enter into this type of dysfunction.  Helps in detaching.

I get it... .  when this kind of stuff is going on it can really screw with us.  Depersonalizing it could help... .  looking at it as typical of the disorder.
Logged

wowjer
***
Offline Offline

Posts: 104


« Reply #11 on: January 18, 2013, 09:44:36 AM »

Faded - there is a custody order in place and I have the kids 5 days and her 2.  How the heck did i get 5 days?  She just signed them over... .  (again... .  yes, i said again, but that is a ... .  well i am sure we all understand). 

copingwith(out)him - i totally agree about playing the victim card.  That is why she signed over the kids.  as I continue to say NO to her about changing visitation, she is the victim.  I am the mean person... blah blah blah. 

id-crisis - "Yeah, no-one likes to be disappointed, especially when you're expecting it!"... .    crazy ... .  but funny.  the psychology of BPD is facinating at times. 

GreenMango - yes, yes, yes ,yes and yes. 

justadude --- freakin button pressers! Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

I thank you all. 
Logged
wowjer
***
Offline Offline

Posts: 104


« Reply #12 on: January 18, 2013, 02:34:23 PM »

Geez. She called my mom today because my son wanted to ask about a Lego. My ex wife watches my son while at work. I have him 5 nights a week including the weekends. I talk to my mom almost nightly. My mom does not like my ex for obvious reasons.

Such boundary issues. I know that I wouldn't call my exes parents due to a Lego. A freaking Lego. This is hilarious.

Anyway I get my son in an hour and he could have been easily informed to have me call my mom about the Lego.

My ex is clearly bored. Lol
Logged
GreenMango
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 4326



« Reply #13 on: January 18, 2013, 03:18:30 PM »

Eyes on the prize... .  your son, your emotional well being and stability.

I think when I depersonalized a lot of the shenanigans it helped the most.  I didn't fall trap their boredom impulses and crazy making.  I was able to just shake my head and move on with my day.

Maybe some guiding principles would help as a fence for you (because she won't have boundaries) when you have to deal with her?

Things like... .  I want stability for my son so I will engage with her in a business like fashion when I need to.
Logged

Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!