I can do this... getting my BPD bf to detach... I need some suggestions please

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My challenge lies in getting my live-in boyfriend of 3 years to lose interest in me. I have read all the articles that suggest to become boring, less interested, somewhat depressed and I'm going to try acting that way, but it's going to have to be the best acting job I've ever accomplished in my lifetime. I'm a genuine, honest, loving, positive bright star in this man's life and he's going to have a hard time accepting that I have become the complete opposite of this and it's going to be difficult for me to play the role of depressed victim. It goes against all of my personality traits. I'm looking for any suggestions from anyone else that has accomplished this task ahead of me.

I am determined to get this destructive man out of my life and for me to come to that conclusion, I've already won half the battle. I'm no longer willing to play the role of rescuer... I need to rescue myself. I just want to escape with the least amount of drama.

Thanks for any suggestions... .  

[Sunshinegirl3275]

My challenge lies in getting my live-in boyfriend of 3 years to lose interest in me. I have read all the articles that suggest to become boring, less interested, somewhat depressed and I'm going to try acting that way, but it's going to have to be the best acting job I've ever accomplished in my lifetime. I'm a genuine, honest, loving, positive bright star in this man's life and he's going to have a hard time accepting that I have become the complete opposite of this and it's going to be difficult for me to play the role of depressed victim. It goes against all of my personality traits. I'm looking for any suggestions from anyone else that has accomplished this task ahead of me.

I am determined to get this destructive man out of my life and for me to come to that conclusion, I've already won half the battle. I'm no longer willing to play the role of rescuer... I need to rescue myself. I just want to escape with the least amount of drama.

Thanks for any suggestions... .  

[Rose Tiger]

Be a mirror in conversations.  :)on't try to fix.  Keep your emotions to yourself.  Find other outlets for emotions, friends, this site, a counselor.  It feels uncomfortable at first, you'll get the hang of it.  Like the articles say, take the blame, you will never get your partner to take any fault.  Be prepared to be thought of as the bad guy, remember this is the coping mechanism and really has nothing to do with the true you.

[LuckyEscapee]

My suggestion would be to become his burden, rather than him yours. My ex started to look for my replacement when I stood back a little hoping he'd look down and realise he had two working feet. Of course that was too hard for him, it was easier to get cast his magic elsewhere. i smiled in sadness when he got his replacement (unwittingly) to cough up some of the debt he owed me on some pretence. Then he told me I didn't deserve the rest of what he owed me! I had already written it off as a low price to escape anyhow.

Be boring, be unhappy, look after yourself, stop feeding whatever needs he has, and start drawing upon his energy. Whatever fear he has, marriage, kids, houses, play on it by leaving a rlated magazine out somewhere. Once he realises you're no longer his personal entertainer, operating to his personal agenda he will likely head for the hills.

It won't be easy but getting out is getting out, and I think this forgives a little 'acting'. Good luck, we be here for you!

[benny2]

I did,  not do any of those things, although, I did realize what I was dealing with at the time either. I just simply said I need more in my life and bing, bang, boom, I was done. I'm not sure if I took the right aproach now knowing all that I know, but it has worked so far. Hes leaving me alone.

[almost789]

A sure way to get him to run away is to call him out on his ~. He'll split you and leave to find another. If he comes back call him out again. Tell bim he must aknowlege the issues and apologise for his part. Tell him you want to talk about your relationshio problems. Hell be on his way quick.

[Rose Tiger]

Tell him you want to talk about your relationshio problems.

Yep.

[BentNotBroken]

This may sound a bit harsh, but here it is anyway:

Are you trying to dump him without feeling the guilt of dumping him? Put on your big girl pants and just tell him it is over.

sheesh. This sounds like "how do I get him to dump me so I don't feel like I dumped him." Just do it, and talk to a therapist to deal with the negative feelings. The passive-aggressive mind games make me throw up a little.

[Changed4safety]

BNB, I opted for that too, for a long time.  Because I was so terrified of what he might do to me.  He was in a position to singlehandedly ruin my career, not to mention that he had damaged property and physically harmed me before.  Each situation is unique.  In the end, I had to move out while he was out of town, on my therapist's advice... .  and even then I couldn't get free for several months, I kept gravitating back to him.  I don't think there'd be a whole article mentioned on "how to be boring so your BPD leaves thinking it's his/her choice" if it wasn't an endorsed method.

[almost789]

Its like shinning a light on a vampire... .  Rose Tiger ... .  

[Sunshinegirl3275]

So here's an update... .  so much for a drama free break up!

My bf knewsomething was up by my behavior and called me out on it... .  boy is he charming and clever. So I told him the truth --- I was thinking about leaving to move back into my own house. He calmly told me to leave right now because he didn't want to agonize over it and I thought this is it... .  run, run, run! I started quietly packing up my belongs and put them in the car. I came back in the house and he had a loaded gun pressed to his chest. I begged and pleaded for him to stop because he knew what pain this would cause his grown children (his mother committed suicide). He told me to get the hell out, so I quietly walked outside and called 911. I REALLY thought he was going to pull the trigger and I was scared to death. After 40 agonizing minutes and the SWAT team had the place surrounded (no joke), he came out to look for me like nothing had happened. He told them that he had just kicked me out and I was crazy. He hid the loaded gun - they never found it and the police let him go and told me to leave... .  WOW! It was such a tramatic experience, I'm still reeling. BUT... .  I'm free! I'm not going back under any circumstances. He has sent flowers, cried, pleaded, sent the kids over to beg... .  you name it. He's made me to look like a bad bad person and guess what... .  I'm ok with that because I will never have to suffer again with this man making a bad decision that affects me. It's been almost two weeks and he still is trying to win me back. I just keep saying it will never ever happen, I'm not coming back. I have blocked him from FB and my phone.

I have seen my role in all of this and I've learned so much about myself. This has been one of the toughest things I've ever had to go through, but this message board has really helped me when my mind goes back to thinking nice things about him.

Thank you so much!

[Changed4safety]

 

What a frightening experience!  You handled it correctly--bring in the professionals.  Better to have him make you "look bad" than A) have to call 911 after it's too late or B) you have gone back with him and "talked him down."  Mine circumnavigated the 911 thing by having a past experience where cops burst down his door and dragged him to a psychiatric ward--he said if 911 came or was alerted he would "die rather than go back there."  So I didn't even feel I safely had that alternative. 

Kudos to you!  Keep posting here and staying strong! 

[beachgirl009]

Wow stay strong! 

My ex lived with me.  When I was done, I was done.  I gave him back his engagement ring (which I later got back from him as a small token of payment against the massive debt I allowed us to build us... good lil rescuer I was) and gave him three days to move.  I also went through a night of very serious suicide threats with him after he moved out.  I called the police on him three times that night.  Of course they did not take him in and he sent a nasty text to me that "he knows how to handle the police." 

Looking back now, I'm not sure how I overlooked so much other than I really wanted to be in love and he swept me off my feet in the beginning.  Then I was just plain in over my head. 

As for when I think nice things about my ex... .  the universe slaps me up the side of the head... .  example, this last week I found out he is dating someone.  It made me sad.  But on Saturday my universe slap came when a goon came to my door looking for him to collect on some debt that he has not paid on to a vendor.  Never in my life did I think I would have a debt collector (or goon) show up at my front door.  Yikes.  I politely asked him to never show up on my porch again! 

It also reinforces my 3+ months of NC as a good thing for me!