She wants ME to apologize

[gottafixit]

I have lc with my exBPDwife, who recently stated to me that everything would be so much better for me if I could just apologize to her for all the abuse I have bestowed upon her.  She makes it sound like that is the magic cure, although she has no idea why all her family, friends, FORMER (she can't hold a job) colleagues, daughter, stepdaughters and so on - are constantly calling me a saint for having to have dealt with her abuse for so many years.  Does anyone have any suggestions how to respond to that?

[Curvy girl]

I thought the point of limited contact was to discuss logistics.

When do I pick certain things up, what's going on with the kids (if you have any).

It seems as though the territory you're in now is discussing your former relationship.

Do you want to respond? Do you want to apologise? Is there anything that you to apologise for?

Discussing who did what to whom and why after the relationship is over seems like an exercise in futility. You both feel wronged, you have thankfully left the dysfunctional relationship focus your energies on rebuilding your life now and taking care of yourself.

What's your story gotta fixit?

[BentNotBroken]

Best answer: No response.

Ignore anything that doesn't have to do directly with the kids. She wants to hang her "albatross of shame" around your neck, don't let her get away with it--Ignore, Ignore, Ignore!

[gottafixit]

Guess I'm still learning.  I get caught up in phone calls.  Thanks for the feedback.

[truly amazed]

Hi,

Yep best response is not to respond.

Post relationship I was blamed for everything. During the relationship I was blamed for everything, I made her do it.

If you must have contact try and make it end at some point in time if you dont have kids. if she demands things just ignore it if you are needed to have LC.

When I sat down and wrote a list of things that happened to me during the relationship I was so amazed I had allowed them to happen and really was not aware of them until I was out of it and out of the push pull accuse ect ect.

Take care

[T. Moore]

Gottafixit,

I agree with previous posts.  Ignore it.  She is trying to suck you back into the vortex of drama!  Don't join in the dance!  I recently had a conversation with my xBPDw and winded up saying something that triggered her.  Later that day when she got drunk she started sending rude texts to me.  I totally ignored them and the next day she sent a text apologizing for being rude.  I was amazed I even recieved an apology!  I have learned that to not react is the best way to handle the situation because that's exactly what they want you to do.  They are still miserable and want you to be too! 

T.  Moore

[gina louise]

 gottafixit

I agree. I just got a nasty set of emails from my stbxBPDh that was basically him having a tantrum over being called on his deceits and having to play by adult/legal rules during the D.

He was rude, attacking and threatening as he realized he was losing the control he assumed he had.

Lashing out b/c he could.

And it took me by surprise-we have been very, very LC. No calls, few texts. Even fewer e-mails.

But it hasn't been long. I expect worse to come.

They bait us into taking their angst on (yet again) for no good reason other than they can, and it works for them. By barfing their rotten feelings on us-their pain is lessened.

GL

[truly amazed]

Hi,

this reminded me of an old joke.

How do you keep an idiot in suspense ?

(you then just walk away)

same is I think in order :}

[Forestaken]

My s2bxw was physically abusive. She told my adult children the divorce is all my fault. They don't buy.

Don't take the bait.

[gottafixit]

Seems like NC is working.  She is leaving for a weekend away with the dog and usually bugs me for directions or some other bs she thinks is my responsibility while SHE is away relaxing.  I have received no calls and I'm sure she has left already. I get the impression she thinks she is punishing me by not calling?  Thank you all for your support and comments.

[ambi]

I get the impression she thinks she is punishing me by not calling? 

It's ironic that the same behavior that use to be so painful and punishing is now a peaceful respite.  Interesting how perspecive changes everything. 

[turtle]

I get the impression she thinks she is punishing me by not calling? 

It's ironic that the same behavior that use to be so painful and punishing is now a peaceful respite.  Interesting how perspecive changes everything. 

So true.  Perspective DOES change everything.

And gottafixit -- take the "punishment" and hope it continues.  That "punishment" is your ticket out of hell.

turtle

[Rose Tiger]

I owned my part, I've told ex that I made mistakes and did things I wish I hadn't.  In his mind, he firmly believes the demise of the marriage is all me.  Nothing I say will change that.  Radical acceptance.