Addicted to hope

[maria1]

I've always thought of myself as a positive person. Things wouldn't floor me for long. Throughout my life I've had times when I've verged on the edge of drinking too much but I've managed to get it under control quite quickly- I am so scared of becoming dependent on anything I tend to manage myself pretty well. For example when ecstasy was big in the nineties I really got into it, I mean enjoyed it. A couple of times I went to the pub with friends and took a pill on my own. I knew this couldn't carry on so I stopped. I liked the feeling so much I knew I had to stop.

I've had spells of years being single. In those times I was always excited about the prospect of a night out. I always thought this might be the night when I meet a man! I would daydream and get lost in fantasies of men that don't even exist. Prince Charming type fantasies where we fell in love and lived happily ever after. The best part of the night out was getting ready!

I met the father of my children when I was 28. We instantly connected. We were like 2 children in a grown up world. He was very intelligent and we would have amazing intellectual discussions about life and about emotions. But he's run away from any real intimacy. I can clearly remember looking into his eyes one night when we were making love. He turned away- i instinctively felt it was all just too much for him. He would drink and so would I. We drank together- went away on great camping trips to Scotland and Spain and other places, discovered great places together. But drank our way through most of it.

We had children, lost each other even more. But I was always looking forward to seeing him- always hopeful that the next holiday would be nice, the next weekend would be how I wanted it with us all happy together. Sometimes I'd get snatches of it and it would feed me just enough to be hopeful of the next time.

We split in the end. I gave up hoping when I asked him if he loved me and he said he didn't know. I asked him to leave. I cried and cried, went to pieces. Then I decided I still wanted the relationship, that I still loved him. I told him that I was still hoping we could find each other again. Then I found out he was seeing the only woman in our circle that I had never liked. A woman who works at my children's school. My antithesis. I went to pieces. My hope was completely smashed to pieces.

I cried and cried, stopped eating. I couldn't swallow anything solid. I lived on wine and soup for a month. I slid down walls overcome with grief. I wasn't grieving him. I was grieving the end of my dreams for a happy family life for my children. I lost all hope. At times I wondered if I should be alive and if I my children might do better without me. Those times actually helped me wake myself up that I was depressed- I knew it wasn't true even though I felt it. I got some counseling.

In time I started dating again- on the back of becoming hopeful that I would meet someone and everything would be fine again. I was just with the wrong person. I still believed in love and hope I told myself. I told myself I must never give up hope.

Fast forward 3 relationships with seriously disordered people. Last one many BPD traits. This website and some serious looking at myself and here I am.

Here's my revelation for what it's worth. My addiction is hope. I never, ever saw it as a problem before. But it's what stops me seeing problems in the moment. It also stops me from enjoying the moment. And it stops me feeling pain. It stop me feeling anything. As long as I'm looking forward to the next bit of emotional intimacy in a r/s, or the next trip, or the next night out I'm running away from myself. Picking up scraps everywhere. Scraps I learned to pick up as a child in a house where my needs came last. Hope and dreams saved me but it isn't working any more and I don't want it to any more.

I've been running away from myself all my life. Hiding in hope.

I'm currently in a r/s where i see him every other weekend and once in the week at most. The rest of the time it's me or me and my kids. I'm stopping (when I can, my life is very busy). I'm not looking forward. I'm not hopeful except toward the present moment. I don't spend my time apart from my current r/s waiting or fantasising about our next time together (always done that previously). This feels WRONG. But I think it's RIGHT.

Thanks for reading! x

[TeaAmongRoses]

Awesome post! Sounds like you've had some teriffic insight. I couldn't agree with you more that hope can lead you down the wrong road. I was shattered after my divorce and then had a couple of terrible relationships that left me wishing I could die too. But I too wanted that "family" thing - a house, husband, child, to me stuff that would make up a "life." And so I started by looking for a husband. It was funny because my cousin who is a die-hard romantic and puts up with a lot of bs from her hubby because of her romanticism, couldn't bring herself to support my new relationship and attend my wedding even though I was her maid of honor in hers. I think it was because I told her the relationship was a "means to an end". I needed a husband to build a life I wanted and being head over heels in love wasn't what was important to me. After too many dysfunctional relationships, I decided having common interests and "liking" him would be enough. Fortunately I've grown to really love him, and I really like our relationship. But I dropped the romanticism because it seemed like it just wasn't helpful to reaching my true goals and needs. Well, my hubby IS a romantic and perhaps he doesn't appreciate my attitude but when our lives are a disaster (in the moment) of yelling and frustration and all seems lost, I remember why I'm here. It is because I believe we can make a life together and that low moment is just a chance to see if we can come out the other side okay agaiIt usually involves some conflict with his adolecent daughter and he's grieving the loss of what he thinks family should look like (everyone loving eachother, etc). And I see just how corosive that "hope" is to being present to one another starting where we are. The pedastal for me isn't even in the room. Instead we are just people, plenty flawed, but tring. And we've each been through enough to appreciate what we have. Good for you! It is indeed a new beginning.   

[heartandwhole]

Sounds like it's RIGHT to me, too, Maria!  Good for you.  I can really relate to your post.  I'd say I have also been addicted to hope.  I could be a bit pit-bullish about staying in situations that needed to be let go, always had hope that things could work out.  Now I feel like I just don't have the luxury of time for hope.  I only have time for reality 

Anyway, good reflections and congrats on your growth.

heartandwhole 

[happiness68]

Well done Maria.  Reading your post gives me hope.  I've always believed myself to be a positive person and believing in miracles and all.  We have to have hope that we will reach the end of any dark tunnel, otherwise there would be no point.  Well done you!   x

[P.F.Change]

Thanks for sharing this, maria1. You have a talent for description that is almost poetic, which made it more powerful to read.

I think it is great that you are figuring out why you have clung to hope in the past to the point of self-delusion, and that having recognized that, you are now taking steps to turn your focus to the present moment. Optimism that things can get better is one thing; ignoring and supressing your feelings is another. So good for you! It is brave to stop and and confront your true self. I admire this.

I used to dwell in fantasy and daydream, too. I know what it is to yearn for a perfect love who can rescue me from all my troubles. I figured out perfect doesn't exist and that I could actually rescue myself (who knew)! I tend to have the opposite problem now, which has probably gone beyond realism into pessimism. I have trouble allowing myself to look forward to things because I expect it will hurt more if things fall through. I am working on learning to trust that I can risk some hope because I can handle it even if I end up disappointed. I need to acknowledge that it's ok for me to have feelings, too, and I don't have to hide them from myself.

Thanks again for sharing.

Wishing you peace,

PF