I was supposed to be in court this morning. I got a call yesterday stating that he never came to pick up the ro paperwork from the deputy, as he promised them, therefore there is no need for me to show up. Since we don't have an address for him, there was no need to file again, as we still wouldn't have a place to serve him.
I was a little dissapointed, not because I wanted him to be charged ( I mean, I do want him to be responsible for the damages to the house), but because I wanted t lay my eyes on him. There are still times when I miss the hell out of him.
I dreamed I was sitting in his lap, and we were rubbing noses and kissing. Just catching up and laughing. I cried when I woke up... . but I know I must move on, or life will never be happy.
I deserve a happy life, not a life with happy pieces sprinkled in
His friend ( the one he shot at in the club), reached out to one of my friends just Monday. Prior to sending her the text message about getting my ex's things, she hadn't heard from him at all in at least 3 months. She hadn't spoken to him in at least 6 months. He asked if he could come see her... . and then he asked how I was doing, and what was going on with me and my ex. He said that he doesn't talk to him much, and he hadn't talked to him since he asked him to try to gather his things. He told him that he had been in jail, and that he wasn't doing too well. He says that he told him that he was trying to find a place to stay.
It took a while for me to swallow that he didn't have a definite place to live. But then I remembered, this not my fault. I did all I could to not only keep us from falling apart but also to help him get on his feet. He choose the path that led to this.
When you live by the sword, you die by it
With that being said, he may be disordered, but he definitely has a choice when it comes to his actions. Just like he choose to be very loving and sweet in the begining, very respectible and polite, he could have choosen to deal with us alittle diffrent in the end. Yes he is disordered, but he is not incapacitated.
I will ( probably) always love him ( a little)... . with out a doubt. But I have choosen to stop giving him a free pass for all his wrongs. No body is perfect... . but no body deserves what I've been through either. I am broken as well, and I don't intentionally hurt others. I will not allow my past to swallow me alive.
On the road to recovery
A side note to this is that I have also decided that this board is not good fit for me. i expected the leaving board to be more focused on self, and of course updates to each of our personal situation, but this board is depressing. Anytime any one has post anything uplifting ( meaning not BPD ex focused, more focused on our growth and pushing past what the ex did, does or might do), it seems to go ignored. I need a leaving board or suport group really focused on those who are CHOOSING to leave or are fine with the fact that the BPD has left, and isn't here waiting on a possible recycle, but have made up there minds that enough is enough.
I know this whole things hurt. Many of us have broken hearts and are digging out of a hole that it doesn't seem fair to be in, but sometime I feel that some of choose to focus to much on them and not enough of us. I fell like some of us use the board as an exscuse to stay stuck and ruminate.
Don't get me wrong, there are some really awesome people here. The ambassadors, Spell in particular, are awesome, and I thank you for all your insight.
With that being said, I'm off on my journey... Good luck to all of you on yours!
