Realization hit today...

[SurvivedLove]

I found this website about a week ago.

I read and cried and read and cried some more.

Finally I understood, in my heart, not just my head, that I wasn't going coo coo. That I wasn't crazy or dramatic or oversensitive or hot-headed. That others had actually lived through what I had lived through and that they were willing to share, comfort and help.

I made my intro post, which turned out very long, because it was the first time in the 1½ years I've been dealing with my ex, that I actually wrote it all down. I've tried a few times before, but I always got hit by a writers block of some sort.

And this day has just been terrible for me. Terrible, with a sideorder of me feeling better.

My Grandmother died today. Granny, who's basically raised me, who has always been my beacon, my role model and my soft spot to fall - she's gone .

I found out at noon, when I saw the phonecalls from my mother. I haven't had contact with my parents since a bit after I started dating my ex. It didn't have anything to do with him, though. But I called my mother and I have been crying on and off since noon.

And one thing that really made me cry was this:

I TRIED to feel how I would feel if my ex had just been here, because with Granny gone, I am literally on my own with no family left. And the only feeling that I was able to find inside was relief that he wasn't here, that he isn't here. It was a feeling of "no thanks, even though I would really like someone to hold me and tell me things will be OK, that the sun will shine again someday, I'd rather be alone than have it be him".

It made me sad and very upset. I feel a bit like a terrible person, like "didn't he mean more to you than for you to be able to brush him off when you are actually REALLY in NEED of someone to be there for you?". And I understand that he did. But that he doesn't anymore. Because I learned that he's not real - he was just a fata morgana created to get me hooked. And even though I am crying while I write this, I am also grateful.

Thank you for this forum. For everything that I have learned already and for everything I will be learning here in the future.

I've lost my beacon, my Granny - but this place has made me find the beacon inside myself.

[truly amazed]

Hi Survived love

Big hug for your loss   She will be up above looking down and thinking of you !

Be kind to you and nope its not just you being oversensitive or thinking its all your fault with a relationship with someone with BPD. It takes two to have one and yes we play a role. Take ownership of what is yours ... .  and give the rest back !

Again big hug !

[turtle]

 

I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious granny!

Hang onto the gratitude that you are feeling!  Even in our sorrow, it's good to be grateful.

Big hugs from your cyber friends!

turtle

[mssomebodynice]

You are going through so much.  I am so sorry for the loss of your Granny.  They are so special and it sounds like yours was more than that to you.  You will be alright.  You can console yourself because you have self love.  Be thankful in that.  Your Granny taught you that you are worthy of love.  Best of all, you can count on yourself.  You are healthy and you can still find love.  Do something special for you.  Granny loved you and so can someone else.  Real love is someone you can count on.  Set the bar high, because forever is a long time.  Hugs! 

[FoolishOne]

Sorry for your loss... .  I was raised by my grandparents and my grandma was my everything too!  She was my role model and my hero.  I miss her still this day.  Maybe your chance to pay it forward is coming up?

F1

[SurvivedLove]

Thank you for your replies .

I miss my Granny. Her death is still sinking in and it'll be a while before I fully understand that I'll never again sit in her kitchen drinking coffee with her or hear her tell me stories from the past.

On the upside, she did teach me that I am worthy of love. Of the kind of love I would like to have, to share with someone. She's always taught me that, always showed me that she believed in that.

And I am proud, yet a bit "Wow, really?" over myself. One of my friends asked me last night what I was gonna do if my ex finds out that Granny is gone and wants to reconnect to "comfort" me.

Without thinking, my reply was that I'd tell him no thanks, because what ever comfort he could give me would be for HIM to look good, not because my feelings would actually matter to me. And that I preferred to grieve the loss without giving him the option to mess with my head once more.

And I didn't feel bad for saying it. I felt like it was a huge AHA!-moment that had been on it's way since my mother told me that Granny was gone. And I see that I have come further than I would have expected, just from reading these boards, reading the stories of others and using the lessons to question myself in regards to what happened.

I miss Granny a lot today. And I will miss her even worse tomorrow, where I was supposed to visit her. But it is a peaceful kind of sorrow I am feeling. The kind of sorrow I think people feel when REAL love is taken away... .  

[happiness68]

SurvivedLove - I'm so sorry about your Granny.  You'll always miss her, but you have some great memories there and you'll be together again one day.  And yes, you're right - that was REAL love, unconditional love   

[really]

Survived Love, sorry for your loss.

I was very close to my grandmother.  She past around 11 months ago.    I have terrible guilt for not coming back home to see her Christmas before last.    I lived on the other side of the world to my family then.    I came back a couple of months later when her health was really deteriorating but unfortunately she wasn't well enough to recognise me and she passed a few days later.    Luckily I was here to say my goodbyes at her funeral.    I spent that Christmas with my ex and her family.   Three days later she dumped me cold, after telling me how much she loved me over Christmas.   

I hope you can concentrate on thinking about the nice times you shared with your granny and forget your ex.   I didn't grieve properly as I was trying to work out what had happened with my ex ... .  

My mission now is to forget those people who lie, cheat and hurt me and focus on the people who count, whether they are with me in person or in spirit