Two BPD's in the family

[Krudula]

Can hardly believe it... .  we have one uDIL showing very much the BPD traits. Other son has just ended his relationship with his partner who has been diagnosed as having BPD, plus a few other disorders thrown in. I am just wondering did we go wrong in raising them to be compassionate, kind, gentle, obedient? Perhaps we left assertiveness out of this mix, feel a bit confused at times. Any mothers thinking the same?

[GeekyGirl]

Hi krudu,

That had to have been quite a surprise, discovering that your DIL and son's partner both have BPD (or BPD traits in your DIL's case). As mother, I can understand how frustrating that must be.

Do you see any similarities in the your sons' relationships?  Are they assertive in any other aspects of their lives? How do you feel about how you raised them?

[Krudula]

In a way it was a surprise that is was DBP. Knew she suffered from Bipolar from the start.

As to your other question:

I think we did a good job, they are great boys who have always been well liked, hold their jobs well. They are very practical and are great fathers to their children. I've always told them they were allowed to feel angry, depending on what they did with that anger.

Personality wise they are very different, one was compliant and a very easy kid to raise, the other more mischievous and fun loving, with a great sense of humour. There was always some rivalry between them. The youngest, a daughter, is a peacemaker first class. Very hurt by uDIL in the past but has no contact with uDIL at all now. Picking up the relationship with her brother again.

I supposed I internalize first and by logic come up with more realistic answers, that they are well adjusted man. Fortunately son no.2 has a reasonably good grip on the situation, I asked him to read some of your articles on leaving BPD partner. He may post himself on one of your boards, well I hope he does.

[Krudula]

One has to have a sense of humour. Couple of days ago xDIL accused me of having given my son Randi Kregers book to read (two years ago!) Suppose she feels exposed and threatened... .  since her own diagnosis with BPD. But now She has started reading it herself and finds it very helpful .We'll see what comes of it, meanwhile I'm still walking on eggshells at times, as she comes to visit her child who is still staying with us, until she herself has stabilised through medication etc.

I'm going through all sort of emotions as well as getting tired with all the extra tasks looking after a wee child, but I'm still hanging in there.

[GeekyGirl]

It's a very good sign that your DIL is reading Stop Walking on Eggshells. Hopefully some of it will speak to her.

Is she still in therapy? Since her diagnosis, has your son sought any therapy for himself? That can really help build their relationship and also give him some strength and insight into his own behavior.

[Krudula]

Sorry haven't had much chance to be online, my days are so full on at the moment.

She says she is in all sort of T. DBT as well as CBT, but she only just out of hospital. Son is looking into it, wonders why he should at times. Can you explain why it is advisable that he gets to a therapist himself?

At the moment I think she is splitting, I have fallen from grace.

Feel so frustrated as she moves back and forwards, says one thing one day, the next day the opposite. Am tired of arguments and her side stepping issues all the time. There is still a fair bit of contact even though son has broken off the rel.ship. Wondering if I'm having a bout of FOG? Must re-read articles on FOG when I have some more time on my hands.

[WrongWoman]

Seeing you mention FOG reminded me of how pivotal the role of FOG played in my ability to live a happy, healthy, mostly well-adjusted life despite my uN/BPD mother.  And my husband has benefited so much from this simple concept, too (his mother is uNPD).  Well, simple to understand, hard to execute sometimes.

I recommend to everyone who is trying to figure out how to navigate through the minefields of the BPD world to read up on FOG.  Making the decision to do nothing purely out of fear, obligation, or guilt saved my life, or at least my ability to have a life.  I highly recommend it, although it takes time to get there.

Everyone deserves to have the life they want to make for themselves, and it's never too late.

[GeekyGirl]

It does sound like you might be feeling some FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt). Many members here have felt the effects, so know that you're not alone. This workshop has some information about FOG: Workshop - US: What it means to be in the “FOG”. There's quite a lot of information there, but if you only have a few minutes, there's a good definition there and a few tips on how to work through it.

Can you explain why it is advisable that he gets to a therapist himself?

Going to therapy doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with your son--it's actually a very healthy thing to do. It's a safe place for him to talk about how this relationship has affected him with a neutral party that can help him process his feelings. From what you've said, he has been through a lot, and working with a therapist can help him heal and work towards healthier relationships in the future. Just having someone to talk to and bounce ideas off of has been immensely helpful as I cope with my mother's BPD.

[Krudula]

Back again after several days of run-ins with pwBPD. Accusations are coming in thick and fast. Am still looking after grandson fulltime. Even a courtesy request of letting me know when she wants to come and see her son has been blown out of all proportion, that we are scheming to take him away from her. This is a very strong accusation, all we are doing is providing a safe haven for him, while she was in the psychiatric ward and now that she's out, adjusting to her medication and get on top of her anorexia. She is in no way fit to look after him fulltime according to my son and  from whatI have experienced I agree. Still battling FOG, read up about it, but with all this contact the situation is very, very tense. Son asked her to leave and explained that he had to think things over ( they have separated and now she wants him to sign certain papers)

[Krudula]

Couple of hours later and his partner is back, again wanting to see grandson. All the accusations she seems to have (conveniently?) forgotten. What a rotten disorder this !

Am having a bit of time out to stay sane! Writing this up and then do some reading.