I'm back.

[Depression = 72% of members]

I couldn't take it anymore.  My exGF started her monthly "push" phase and I had enough.  She said she was being overwhelmed and asked me to give her time; that she couldn't be what I expected right now.

Well, I'm glad she at least knows what I expect.  But I don't believe she'll ever be what I need/expect (only glimpses).  So, with as little anger as I could muster, I told her that I loved her, never wanted to cause her any pressure -- always strived to ease her burdens (never add to them) but it's time to stop.  Said let's detach in love knowing we tried but it wasn't meant to be. 

I have been financially subsidizing her life -- giving her tons of emotional support and love and expecting very little in return.  I'm pretty sure she trained me to expect little.

I thought about complying with her request and giving her space without worrying about it -- and waiting for her to come back on her own -- but because she chose to name her new puppy after an exGF, I couldn't do it. 

I deserve better.

[recoil]

I couldn't take it anymore.  My exGF started her monthly "push" phase and I had enough.  She said she was being overwhelmed and asked me to give her time; that she couldn't be what I expected right now.

Well, I'm glad she at least knows what I expect.  But I don't believe she'll ever be what I need/expect (only glimpses).  So, with as little anger as I could muster, I told her that I loved her, never wanted to cause her any pressure -- always strived to ease her burdens (never add to them) but it's time to stop.  Said let's detach in love knowing we tried but it wasn't meant to be. 

I have been financially subsidizing her life -- giving her tons of emotional support and love and expecting very little in return.  I'm pretty sure she trained me to expect little.

I thought about complying with her request and giving her space without worrying about it -- and waiting for her to come back on her own -- but because she chose to name her new puppy after an exGF, I couldn't do it. 

I deserve better.

[Rose Tiger]

Hi Recoil,

I agree, you do deserve better with a partner that can love and support you, where you can support each other.  It gets so lopsided when one person does all the giving and the other does all the taking.  Have you removed the financial support?

[recoil]

Yes.  I'm done trying to earn and buy her affection.  My therapist said I tried to earn my Mother's love because my Mom didnt freely express it.

Guess that's why I stayed in this relationship so long.  It is painful today.  There are moments of relief and freedom and other moments where I hope she'll re-engage. 

Twisted.

[turtle]

I'm glad you've removed the financial support.  Consequences are something that we all have to face and it sounds as though it's time for her to face hers.  I don't intend for that to seem mean.  It's just a fact.  If you are not in her life, then neither is your money, your love, your care, etc.  There are consequences for poor behavior and bad decisions... .  it's just a fact of life and something she will either learn, or not.

Guess that's why I stayed in this relationship so long.  It is painful today.  There are moments of relief and freedom and other moments where I hope she'll re-engage.  

At first, it's difficult to bask in the relief and freedom.  If you stay on this path, you will evenutally come to be VERY appreciative and protective of the relief and freedom that you are feeling.

As for re-engaging... .  if you play that out in your mind, what do you see as the outcome?

turtle

[mitchell16]

recoil, Inm sorry. I know how that hurts. My exBPDgf kept a picture of her ex-husband on her refgerator. Now I didnt question it much becasue it also had two ther family memebers in the pix. I thought well it was the only pix she had with the otehr two persons in it. Until one day we was lookng through some of her pix and she had bunchs of them. Thats when I started to resent it. Our last argument it was becuase she said I sat on my lazy ass while she worked remind her of her previous marriage. but now let me mention my ex and the fight was on.

[recoil]

If I'm honest, it'll just be more of the same.

The hopeless romantic/idiot side of me hopes she'll change and we could be one big happy family.  The good times were good.  Even after the honeymoon phase.

I will miss the good times.  I have to stay focused on the bad though.  It tore me up everytime she'd act indifferent or push me away.

[Rose Tiger]

That is really interesting the insight your T gave you about your Mum.  When you hit 50 posts, you can check out the Personal Inventory forum where folks discuss those kind of things.  You put it a good way, trying to earn love.  I can really relate to that!

[Phoenix.Rising]

Recoil,  I just wanted to offer my support.  I understand your struggles, as I've gone back and forth with my ex many times.  Like you, though, I feel as I've had enough.  I know I can only expect more of the same, and likely worse, if I continue to go back.  I'm doing my best to avoid contact.

I can also relate to the comment about your Mom.  My Mom shows a lot of BPD traits; she might very well have BPD.  I believe there is some kind of mental illness there.  There was very little physical and emotional affection from my Mom, and she often seemed distant.  I'm not going to go too deep into it now, but my point is that our FOO usually has a huge part to play in our relationship dynamics as we grow older.  Addressing these issues will help us pick healthier partners as we become healthier.  Good luck.