Being 'single' now

[Depression = 72% of members]

My therapist talked with me yesterday about how I'm single now. How it's best to face that, and release the feelings of still being connected with my ex. To be better able to detach and move on. It hit me later how that's something I haven't really come to grips with yet. I chose to walk away from the disfunctional relationship, but didn't want to make that choice as far as still loving that person and believing in the dreams.

Curious how others here have dealt with it when you realized you are 'single' now, what feels different to you, how do you see yourself, are you happier/sadder, etc.

[myself]

My therapist talked with me yesterday about how I'm single now. How it's best to face that, and release the feelings of still being connected with my ex. To be better able to detach and move on. It hit me later how that's something I haven't really come to grips with yet. I chose to walk away from the disfunctional relationship, but didn't want to make that choice as far as still loving that person and believing in the dreams.

Curious how others here have dealt with it when you realized you are 'single' now, what feels different to you, how do you see yourself, are you happier/sadder, etc.

[Hope 4 a better day]

I made the same choice 9 months ago and am currently single I go on an occasional date however it never clicks for me. I am alone and have more peace and quite however as soon as I think I am done with my former BPD gf something triggers the old stuff and my mind goes back. I think the reason is my X is a carbon copy of my Mom and you never stop loving your Mom even though she has been gone for several years. I have been N/C with my BPD for 6 months now and at times I am miserable however I know I have to stay this path as going back would be way to painful as she would not get any help.

[Tausk]

It felt and sometimes still feels like someone took a big sharp icicle and stabbed me through the stomach and out the ribs in my back.  

The icy cold void of surrendering to acceptance of realities that I don't want to accept is terrifying and painful.  I still often have conversation in my head with my ex.  It's a habit that keeps me connected to her even though I haven't seen her for a year and half.  

But I've started to learn how to fill the void with a real self.  The void was there before, and I filled it with caring for the ex.  That's part of why I had such a hard time leaving.  Leaving in some ways left me without a purpose.

But I now try and fill that void with a core self that is based on my honest assessment of my strengths and weaknesses.  I try to fill it a sense of meaning in my life.  I try to fill it with spiritual principles such as honest, self acceptance, humility, courage, faith, openmindedness, patience... .  

And then I don't feel so cold or empty.  In fact at times I feel warm and loved and self accepting, and have faith that I will continue to recovery, and I have faith that I now understand what I need to do to honestly love someone and honestly be loved by someone.

Whether I actually find someone to love in such a manner is not even as important as being able to love someone, which in the past, I was limited.  That's why I chose to try and love someone damaged like my ex.  

Today, I'm more whole.  But it does come with the the never ending practice of radical acceptance that I am single.  

[turtle]

I have to say that overall... .  I am much happier being single.

This comes after a very long time of being away from crazyx (11 years) and two significant relationships within the last four years.

When I first came out of the BPD relationship, I was VERY aware that I was "single."  I mean... .  if you don't want to be "single," be in a relationship that consumes your every waking moment - both negatively and positively - and you will NOT be "single," you will be "saddled!"   In fact, having a moment to yourself is a luxury.  

I stayed "single" for a very long time (about 6-7 years) because I was terrified to repeat the experience that was so costly to me.  When I finally decided to re-enter the relationship world, it wasn't all that positive for me.  But that's just ME.  There are many people who have gone on to have happy, productive relationships and I am happy for them.  In fact, there were people from here that I KNOW have gone on to be happy in new relationships.  We just don't hear from them anymore because they are out living life instead of posting here... .  which should be the goal for ALL of us.

As the years have gone on and I've experienced other relationships, I just decided that I do better on my own.  Sure... .  there are times when I am grossly aware that I am "single."  Our society is geared toward being a "couple," and there are times when I am acutely aware of that.  But most of the time, I am grateful that I don't have the "burden" (not the right word, but closest) of another.

I don't know that I will always want to stay "single," but I can't imagine what it would take for me to want to be part of a "couple" again. The idea of a being a "couple" still has way too many negatives for me.

I seem to flourish when I am on my own.  I feel better. I have more energy. More to give.  I look better. I laugh more. I'm more productive. I'm more peaceful. My thinking is more positive.  However... .  I've never had a relationship that ended up being positive... .  so I don't know that I offer a fair criteria in this area.

I have a friend who is a widow.  She and her deceased husband apparently had a fantastic relationship (I did not know her when he was living) -- although, the cynic in me mistrusts the word "fantastic."  For her... .  the idea of being "single" is way different than it is for me.  For her... .  she fears she will never find another "love" like her deceased husband.  And... .  truth is... .  she won't. Her deceased husband is so far up on that pedestal that no one else will EVER come close. In contrast, for me, being "single" means I will never have to endure such heartache or disappointment again.  And that's not just from crazyx.  It's from a life time of me picking dysfuctional or emotionally unavailable people.  And that's on ME... .  no one else.  

turtle

[BleedsOrange]

I was PUMPED! I forgot that I like being single! Or at least I do relative to the hell hole that I was in! When Im single I think about single guy stuff. The book Im reading, the pub, darts, hanging out with my friends, working out, and dirty cad guy stuff... .  or possibly that really cute broad three seats down. I still think about ex from time to time, but there's way more awesome things between those thoughts. IN FACT, a lot more of my thoughts are less of the category of what happened (wha I used to call what was done to me), and more along the vein of: That was messed up, she is messed up, she has moved on and I am moving on.

There was this Louis C.K. bit where he was talking about not feeling bad for him because he got divorced because they got divorced cause the relationship sucked:

"Getting divorced suuuuuuuuccccks. BEING DIVORCED is AWESSSSSSSSSOME!"

Go make yourself have some fun... .  cause its fun!

[hithere]

are you happier/sadder, etc.

I was both at different times, I missed her and the good times but realized there were way more bad times.  I made a list of deal-breakers and referred to it often when I felt nostalgic about the relationship.

I did some online dating, mostly browsing and just contacting a few of the women I found really interesting.  I met someone after around 6 months after moving out and am now engaged.

Don't date till you are ready, work on yourself and 2nd chances are wonderful!

[turtle]

I was PUMPED! I forgot that I like being single! Or at least I do relative to the hell hole that I was in! When Im single I think about single guy stuff. The book Im reading, the pub, darts, hanging out with my friends, working out, and dirty cad guy stuff... .  or possibly that really cute broad three seats down. I still think about ex from time to time, but there's way more awesome things between those thoughts. IN FACT, a lot more of my thoughts are less of the category of what happened (wha I used to call what was done to me), and more along the vein of: That was messed up, she is messed up, she has moved on and I am moving on.

There was this Louis C.K. bit where he was talking about not feeling bad for him because he got divorced because they got divorced cause the relationship sucked:

"Getting divorced suuuuuuuuccccks. BEING DIVORCED is AWESSSSSSSSSOME!"

Go make yourself have some fun... .  cause its fun!

See?  This is why I love these boards.  This is kind of what I was trying to say (minus the dirty cad guy stuff ,) and BleedsOrange said it so much better.

The enthusiam just made me SMILE!  

turtle

[gina louise]

Bleeds Orange,

Louis CK is very FUNNY. in fact comedy itself is a real good pick me up on a crap day.

Bill Burr is funny,

Christopher Titus is the KING/GOD of dysfunctional FUNNY. OMG.

Myself, I think everyone has their own comfort levels. And those vary day to day. like energy levels and emotions... they ebb and flow.

I sometimes wish I was getting back with my HUSBAND (on a sad mopey day) but it doesn't look like that is likely. Even though his lawyer told both of us the 6 month "cooling off " period is for determining whether the r/s can be salvaged-and he encourages counseling, I would have to beg, grovel and do a lot of the salvaging on my own and that's not a healthy r/s.(for me) But I bet my HUSBAND would be OK with all of that.

Maybe decide now what a healthy r/s looks like for you- and then get out more to see if it can happen.

Find some "awesome things" between the thoughts of the stbxBPDh... .  If Possible?

I know that the mourning for what might have been is rough. It's painful.

We are all at various stages of been there and done that-or still there.

I had to run away from a man I felt/hoped was going to be "there" for me, Forever!

that "forever" part is tough to let go of.  To grasp the notion that HE wasn't invested emotionally the way I was-even from the start. that hurts.

So, I feel ya. I do. Hang on.

GL

[BleedsOrange]

To go along with gina, it helps to think about awesome things when you do them. I think about awesome things... .  no I FEEL awesome things when Im doing things that were so hindered by the relationship. I get to a place when I think about her moving on that I remember, no matter the outcome of her immediate marriage, she must be on whwtever level, happier, and so am I. I think about it very little. Im too busy enjoying my job,which was hindered and my friends, which were hindered.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Hi Myself,  I was telling a friend last night that I am single.  I feel more ok with it now than I did several months ago.  However, I definitely relate to the struggle of letting go of the 'dream'.  What helps me is focusing on the reality, or the total picture.  The reality is that the relationship was not healthy, and it was progressing in a negative spiral.  

What makes letting go of these relationships so hard to come to terms with is the illusion that she was 'the one' in the early stages.  Our exs are adept at playing that role, and I played my part, too.  A therapist told me that my ex was most like my mother.  I had a hard time seeing this at first, but now I think therapist was right.  

The relationship re-activated my childhood wounds, big time.  I went into fix/save mode in overdrive.  I don't want or have to live like that today.  I believe a big part of what my ex was doing with me was just playing a role.  I think she plays that role over and over.  That's not to say that she didn't have real feelings for me, because I know she did.  But love?  Child-like love, maybe, but adult love, I don't think so.  It is very sad.  I feel sad, but I also feel relieved to have some peace and hopefully a chance at a relationship that is lasting.

I've been reading about silence lately.  It can seem tortuous to me at times, that void, but I know it doesn't have to be that way.  There is much to be gained in the silence.  Embrace it.

[myself]

I'll work on thinking more 'awesomely', thanks. Need to sit with this stuff awhile longer it seems. Feeling stuck, though. Still detaching. I chose to walk this time, so I feel I should be more prepared to live my own life now. I didn't think that far ahead. Still hanging on in some ways. I know it's over. Have not taken her back despite her attempts (she'd have to really change, apologize, etc., and is not doing so). Haven't tried to get her back. It's very strange to love someone and not really like them much at the same time. To still feel you're connected but the distance between you is incredibly far. In the past, during breakups, in between recycles, it hurt but seemed we'd work it out somehow, so I didn't feel 'single', just lonely, missing her. This time it's different. She was someone who made marriage plans with me so it's harder to walk away towards somebody else. I'll just be by myself now, work on myself, heal and grow. In time, I may be more ready for this single life again. If someone else is out there, someone better, maybe I will meet her then.

[BleedsOrange]

remember, myself, you would BOTH have to change. You know? A meet in the middle kinda thing. Screw that. Sure, we can change, WECAN ALL CHANGE <-------Rocky 4 reference, but to the extent of making a too-late relationship work? Its not impossible, but Im telling ya, if you can just let go of, "what was done to you" and just look at it as a messed up relationship. It makes it a lot easier to dismiss the bad feelings and focus on all the great stuff you have!

You know you're my buddy!

Go get it!

[gina louise]

Myself,

When you wrote about that you decided this time, and chose to walk I had a powerful image pop into my head.

Part of the problem even with making that decision is that we are (me too) walking AWAY from them and the r/s- BUT still looking back over our shoulders. Searching and trying to see them in the Distance-maybe they are trying to catch up with us, the way we wanted them to? 

So we trudge on, but keep stopping and looking back-hoping, wishing they'd catch up.

It's as though we haven't dropped that dream and secretly we are asking-Are you still with me? Can't we DO this r/s thingy? Can't you catch up?

Finally turning around, facing forwards and continuing walking is the key. Not listening to the ghost voice echoing from the distant past, way behind us.

I think that release is the pivotal point.

My HUSBAND dropped hints as few as two days ago that he was considering reconciling, wondering what he's done, if it was the right thing. but he hasn't pursued that. And I am still here. Nothing's changed!

it's those hints and crumbs that help keep us stuck-looking back. It's like hearing their voice from a far far distance. It's tough for me too.

I didn't want/anticipate any of this. I didn't expect divorce in less than 2 years.

But it is what it is. So I keep walking. (and watching Titus on You Tube)

GL

[happiness68]

myself - single - sounds like a lonely word doesn't it when you're so used to being a couple.  That's what I feel, lonely.  Yes, I have my work, friends and family and a busy life if I want it, but I miss him.  I miss our laughs, our times alone, just watching tv or a film with him.  I miss it all.  I think what happens when we've had a r/s with a BPD is that they're so intense, that the loneliness of being single is so extreme.  Much more so than a normal r/s, certainly for me anyway.  Before I met my BPD I was so strong and independent.  I've found that since our break up I've realised I was kind of dependent on him for things.  Do you know when we first split up I got into a panic because a light bulb died on me where I live and I thought I wouldn't know how to change it.  It's terrible really.  I'm getting better and getting to like parts of being single.  Eventually we will all get to love it as I once did and then hopefully move onto another r/s hopefully one that works out and definitely not one with someone suffering from BPD.  Single sounds so lonely, but it can be good and we can all make it good.  It's not forever.  I think we should all make the most of it.  I'm trying to.  Learning to love ourselves again is the first step to meeting someone else who will love us ;-)

[myself]

That is a big part of it. Finally getting far enough away. I feel I'm getting there, closer than ever, but still connected/keeping myself connected. My heart keeps looking back more than forward, while my mind is making more sense of this new reality. When my T talked of being single now, it felt heavier than lighter, as if I'd been diagnosed. The dreams are fading... .  In time, it will feel lighter, more free, I'll laugh and smile more and attract somebody good to be with. I never had much trouble finding someone to be with. This time, being so close to being married, being so enmeshed with someone, really thinking this was real love and wouldn't stop, it's left me doubting things more (including myself). Working through it though. I don't have a lot of friends to pal around with here, smaller town, I'm not really young anymore and have kids to be with when I'm not at work. Not sure what my chances are. Finding I'm single now is like getting to the horizon and seeing there's another horizon out there. Daunting in some ways yet exciting, too. Sad to let this recent relationship go, but it was too painful, wasn't working and could not be fixed. She throws out crumbs but they're not enough. The ones I threw would lead me backwards, not forwards, and there's no going back. This = Time for a different path from now on.

[gina louise]

if the weather permits, get out WITH your kids. there's other single parents like you and lots of women who adore kids, theirs or anyone's.

look for activities that your kids would like and enjoy them like a kid again!

My kids are too big for kiddie type stuff now- But we did go to movies. Sometimes they selected it, sometimes I did. We had a deal-if I had to "suffer" through a movie I didn't choose, then they did too when it was my turn to pick! So I saw scary movies <UGH> with them and they got comedies or quirky indie flicks with me.

Even netflix can be fun. popcorn, junk foods, snuggy blankets... .  and all.



Find the whole loaf! don't settle for crumbs!

GL

[myself]

I think it was hard finally putting a label to it. Kind of nails it down somehow. It's true, though. Now to pry myself loose, not hold myself down, live the positives and fly free.

This is the same for all of us. We get so deep with this stuff, so wrapped up in fighting for something that is hurting us, it's like we get the bends when we reach the surface.

Then we need to decompress from that and get on with our new reality.

[Justadude]

Accepting being single was so hard. I was not ok with it. It's been a while now and my personal life has picked up stability, momentum, and peace after a long time of being depressed and angry. It took a long time to shake my negative emotions from my previous 3 year plus ordeal. Plus adjusting to being a single parent, and all the complex emotions that go with it. Readjusting to date with a child. It's been hard. I think the positive things is healing, growing as a person without the restraints of a negative relationship, spending time with friends, and doing whatever I want without dealing with all the relationship stuff I am inadequate with. Now when I think of relationships and dating, I think more of the long term picture so while dating can be fun and time filling, I'm so much more critical of people up front where before I would have been so blinded. It's interesting, but happy because you are not carrying negative energy from a poor relationship.

[HarmKrakow]

To me it would seem, don't you have the fear when you start dating someone normal, that it can never be as intense as with your previous BPD r/s?

I've had 'normal' r/s and a 'BPD' relationship. The latter was super intense, the normal once weren't. Both were good, however detachment of the BPD r/s feel impossible, while the normal r/s felt like weeks. When you once went ... .  you never want to go back right?  :'(

[FoolishOne]

Harmkrakow... .  I hope you're wrong, but I know what you're talking about.  The bedroom intensity is phenomenal... .  truly... .  but if that's all thry bring to the table... .  think about how long-lasting that would be... .  and even more importantly... .  is it really worth it?

What really would be exciting is to get mentally healthy... .  find someone that accepts you for who you are... .  someone that can be held accountable, responsible and take ownership for their actions... .  and definitely someone that you can trust.

Once you find that person, hang on for dear life and keep your fingers crossed.

[BleedsOrange]

Noope. Trust me, you can find an intense sexual PARTNER <--------------- key word, that isnt messed up. And the relief of not having that intensity (insanity) in your life, once you realize its dysfunction, is delicious and blissful.

They are not gods. They are not anything but a person, and there are a lot out there. When sex is not about NEED and is about WANT, it is so much better. When the intensity as really calm blissful happiness, rather than rabid NEED, it is so much better.

Do not let yourself be deluded. I know for me, even though I did love her, for both of us, there was a lot of NEED wrapped up in it. There is nothing healthy of kind or reassuring or genuinely altruistic about that. Yet, when there is something that is all of those things plus a big dose of kind honesty mixed in... .  BOOM!  Its like a serenity bomb! Much better than the other kind of intensity... .  dont just take my word for it (reading rainbow).

[FoolishOne]

When sex is not about NEED and is about WANT, it is so much better.

True statement... .  I just hope we are all not searching for the Holy Grail.   Something that maybe doesn't exist.  Can we find the sexual intensity... .  the overall crazy sex with a normal person?  Sounds like a thread all to itself needs to be posted... .  

But in all honesty... .  our BPD's were Vegas... .  maybe it's time to come home to reality... .  I don't know... .  I'd love to think that I'll find a chick that rocks my world like "Looney"

did... .  but maybe that kind of "action" comes with a price. 

Thoughts?

F1

[BleedsOrange]

yeah. here are my thoughts:

I promise its there. With a PARTNER. I promise. There is a stark contrast between the two and the healthy awesome sex is better.

[FoolishOne]

God, I hope you're right... .  has anyone on the boards experienced it?

F1

[turtle]

God, I hope you're right... .  has anyone on the boards experienced it?

F1

I think BleedsOrange is telling you that HE has experienced it and I have also experienced it -- but not all around the "hot" issue that you men seem to have. .

[Mupetto]

I find that there is a difference between being lonely and being alone. I also find that I am experiencing both and sometimes at the same time.

Being alone is allowing me to have “my space”. I recall now that I have rarely ever had “my space”. I married young and started a family almost immediately. This was fantastic time of my life. I adored being a father. But they grew up and I wasn’t “needed” anymore. So left my first wife after 20 years and went searching for me. I found a BPD. It was initially magic. But ….

So after four crazy years with my uBPDw I now find myself alone for the first time in decades. It feels selfish. I have no one that “needs” me (obviously my weakness). I do enjoy being able to make my own decisions without a BPD imposing her needs on me. But at time I feel very alone.

I don’t want to fill my loneliness and I need to be alone. I want, no need, to be single for a while. I need to shake out the toxins of a four year BPD relationship. I need to get clear about me and my hopes and dreams. As a co-dependant type of guy I could easily fall into the same trap.  But I feel lost at times. Inexperienced and uncomfortable about being alone. My brain knows what to do but my heart is bit confused.

[FoolishOne]

Ha... .  well "Hot" is in the eye of the beholder... .  but who's kidding who... .  if you are not attacted physically to someone, it just ain't gonna happen.  The problem a lot of men on this board are relaying is that they seemed to have "bagged" beauties that may have been out of their league.  But the only reason why these women were with them is to use them.  How sad and pathetic can that make one feel?  It's bad enough that someone did everyting to ruin your life to begin with... .  but the insult to injury is that you're also left with the feeling that it never was real to begin with... .  This hottie wasn't that into you... .  it was all an illusion... .  and you're left to pick up the pieces and try to find someone that is in your league now.

The shallowness and baseness can be cut with a knife here, but honesty is what should be everpresent on these boards and I have nothing to gain by lying at this point.  I know my actions were motivated by sex more than logic... .  read my previous posts and you'll see for yourself... .  but somehow, I would like to have some assurance that even after all this carnage, that I can rise from the ashes, find a chick that I am turned on by, and have the opportunity for love to blossom between us.  I know the responses are going to all be positive... .  why not? 

But deep down... .  I wonder if I will be as physically "happy" as I was with "Looney".

[turtle]

Ha... .  well "Hot" is in the eye of the beholder... .  

But deep down... .  I wonder if I will be as physically "happy" as I was with "Looney".

"Hot" is definitely in the eye of the beholder.  I work with women ... .  thousands of them over the years.  I've seen every version of "hot" there is and I've also seen the ugly that lies within some of the "hot."  It's the most unattractive thing in the world.

The topic of "hot chicks" has been discussed here many times over the years and it's an important topic because it always results in an "aha" moment for many.  We women experience the same thing, it's just not usually over the idea "hot."  So... .  same thing, different focus.

Your definition of physically "happy" might change as you become healthier  --- so will your definition of "hot."  In fact, you can count on that.

turtle

[FoolishOne]

Turtle... .  I'm not sure how old you are, but I can tell you are wise beyond your years.  I know there are beautiful cars that have a severely messed up engine... .  and I know there are cars that have a modest appearance but have a lot "under the hood".  The analogies are endless... .  but I get it Turtle.  I so look forward to the day when I can find a woman that is easy on the eye, but AS importantly has her head on straight and can accept me... .  as well as life.

Likewise, I look forward to the day when I can say I'm recovered from this absolute nightmare that I got myself into... .  and will be recovered/rehabbed enough to never get into and back into anything like it again.

Until that day comes, I am sure I will be curious and somewhat anxious as to what lies before me.  I know I will look back at the beautiful car I had and wonder if it could have been repaired. 

F1

[turtle]

I know I will look back at the beautiful car I had and wonder if it could have been repaired. 

Maybe... .  you also might look back from your NEW car that you love and be grateful you didn't have to pour your entire life savings into that shiny money pit only to find that it was NEVER able to be repaired and watch as the tow truck hauls it to the scraper!