Realization

[spaceace]

Today, I sent my wife a text. I asked her if she put a deposit on a new place to live. She responded. I was actually shocked. She said she didn't. That her ex and I, have screwed her financially and she doesn't have money. Then she demanded I put up or shut up and pay my half of the rent on the house we lived in, since I brought her there, and she took such a BIG chance on me and this marriage by moving back in with me.

I found that to be comical. Yet it did tug at my heart. And I started to realize something. Yes, I did ask her to move into this house with me. She did move in on her own volition. Nobody guaranteed her a happily ever after scenario. It takes two to make things work. I could hear the entitlement and her denial of anything on her part that brought her to this place where she is now.

The realization I had was, yes she is in dire straits. Financially she is in trouble with 3 kids. She made choices and she is paying for it now. But, at the end of the day, even as I know, this marriage is truly over, we are not getting back together, this is my wife who I took vows with and promised to take care of her.

I stepped back and I thought about what my sponsor from the 12 step program I was in would say? And I heard his voice, do the next best thing. In other words, don't go and drill her - she is here because of her choices. Don't invalidate how scary things are for her, regardless of how she got here.

So, I responded, and I said I would put up. I told her to place some of the valuable items I have still at the house, including what she listed the other day on Craigslist, which I screamed bloody murder about, and I said to get as much money as possible for the stuff. Then I told her I would place $300 in our joint account to help her pay next months rent.

Why? Why do this? For real, I thought for a moment, what if she came back and said, oh honey, I miss you and love you, come back... and it scared me. I realized, I cannot go back with this woman. Not a thing would change. I would face a 4th and a 5th time of her splitting, painting me black and kicking me out, and then what? Where do I go?

And realizing this, it became clear to me, this is my wife, regardless if we divorce in May, and I have the means, albeit only a little, to help her and her 3 kids and hopefully, I am creating my own way of giving myself and her forgiveness and detaching from her that much more.

BTW, even after telling her this, after pledging to put $300 in our joint account, zero response. I felt somewhat relieved. But I still see her for who she is and it is still a very real reminder, exactly who I am dealing with and what she is capable of doing and I don't want any part of it...

and I didn't even write back, hey, you're not going to thank me?   

[recoil]

She feels you owe her.  Why would she thank you? 

I'm not trying to be mean.  In fact, I'm in a bit of a bad mood as I just broke up with my ex yesterday.  I have helped her financially like you wouldn't believe.

I remember once, she asked if I would give her $600 to have her IUD removed because she only got it for me and she didn't want it anymore.  I laughed that one off.  I can't believe I got back together with her though.

The next time she needs something, and she will, I am NOT HELPING HER.  I don't need to be the "better man".  I need to heal myself and get as far away from her as possible.

[bpdspell]

Hey Space,

I think the most difficult part of accepting their mental illness is the fact that the label isn't slapped on their foreheads.   It is very difficult looking at a fully grown adult who's often highly intelligent while at the same time emotionally undercooked.      My ex was very capable, attractive, sexy, handsome, but he was also pathologically entitled, self-absorbed, conniving and manipulative. His logic: pretzel. It's all perplexing and dumbfounding on our part. And believe you me... I've scratched my head enough times to create a bald spot.

Space. It's tough making peace with what is. On the one hand we're extremely sad that we cannot repair them enough to love us they way we craved to be loved and on the other had we can be so stuck on them that we're blindsided by the fact that we are gaining ourselves by cutting them loose. Space Ace. You need to cut her loose or she will continue to exploit your kindness for weakness.

In her mind she is entitled to whatever is your because that is her disorder in operation. She will forever be thankless and ungrateful because people with BPD relate to people as objects. When I began to rebuff my ex he  turned the volume up and became an entitled bully. It's all very narcissistic.

The only way to get out of this game is to get off the roller coaster. It isn't your job to fix her and you cannot love her to wholeness. She can only desire that for herself. And most BPD's do not desire change.

She needs consequences. Real ones. I'm so sorry that you are experiencing this but she will not change. And giving her everything she wants will only intensify her BPD egoic monster.  No one here can tell you when to get up from the table but how full do you want to get?

Spell

[BentNotBroken]

Is it "the next best thing" or "the next right thing"?

Enabling a BPD to behave badly may not be either one.

[spaceace]

Yes, the next right thing, that was what I meant to write, but I submitted it already and then didn't go back and correct it... good catch!

[FoolishOne]

BPDspell... .  I love your response... .  it's music to my ears and something that anyone in a failed / failing BPD r/s needs to hear and take seriously.  A razor thin percentage of BPD relationships "work".  And those that do work take a tremendous amount of effort on the non... .  not to mention an above averge helping of selflessness.

A healthy relationship demands equality, balance, mutual accountability and the desire to genuinely please the other. 

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