How do I encourage my SO to "forge on"

[Only1Bones]

How to I encourage my b/f to keep moving forward with the tools he has in the court system.  He has spent thousands just to get the minimal time with his daughter and the mother still plays games.  In all of 2012, he got maybe a handful of his phone call days out of the Tues/Thurs night's he's supposed to be able to talk to his dtr. (I have it all documented with phone records and a log)  It's so discouraging and it feels like the courts don't care.  The last referree told him he didn't want to see him back there until they went through another parenting time expeditor.  They are supposed to share the costs but she doesn't work... on welfare... .  so he is always stuck footing it.  He just paid over 700.00 for a response to a child support appeal to our State Supreme Court!  Yep... she didn't like the child support order and the fact that she got busted for collecting child care costs from my SO that she wasn't paying out... .  and is ordered to pay it back.  Of course, she got all the legal stuff for free and he ended up paying to have to defend a judges decision in his favor.  It's just insane.  Of course, because his lawyer dropped him just prior to her appeal to the Supreme Court... .  the Court of Appeals did not tell my SO that he can file for her to pay the costs. (and his lawyer never said anything either)  I feel he got VERY SUB PAR representation... .  but I guess you get what you pay for... his lawyer was doing this as a "pay what you can" sort of thing but I don't think had his heart into it. (clearly)

Anywho... .  he's so discouraged and I do feel bad.  Not only that but I seem to take the brunt of his frustrations with his ex's games.  And he still puts up with some of her phone rants/orders to him... which drives me nuts.  She treats him like he is her kid and she can boss him around.  He says he just lets her go on and on.  Personally if it were me, I'd hang up the phone.  I think he answers it because he maybe thinks he will actually get to talk with his daughter!

[DreamGirl]

Hi Only1Bones,



Court battles are tough - especially when you're feeling discouraged. Your heart has to be in it and you have to believe in what you are fighting for.

You say you want to encourage your SO. Encourage him to do what specifically?

~DreamGirl

[scraps66]

Discouraging is an appropriate term for these situations, also unsatisfying, infuriating, wasteful, disappointing when dealing with the very inefficient and in many cases incompetent courthouse.  You mention the phone access, I filed a contempt motion because my ex was obstructing.  The judge's way of addressing this issue was to eliminate the clause for daily telephone access from the custody order!  Discouraging.

As far as encouraging, as DG says, would have to know exactly what you're trying to work towards.  But, regardless of that reason, you will have to address this "taking the brunt of his frustrations."  For his sake, yours, and the relationship's, you both have to come up with an effective means of isolating this infection from affecting the two of you in an adverse way.  Speaking from a little experience, I lost one relationship post separation due in part to my marriage/divorce's interference.  Not getting upset with my girl, but allowing things to get me down in a way that was visible to her.  Also, with things so discouraging, it can be easy to get into ruts of complaining to the one you're with because that person is available in many cases. This can get old.

This may not be a case of you encouraging directly, but you encouraging your b/f to get to a better place.  As far as the interferences, sounds like there is a need for a boundary between the verbal communications.  I refuse, and get very uneasy with any type of verbal communication with my ex.  Proven time and time again to be a fruitelss if not exhausting form of communication.  E-mail is good if she'll use it, sounds like she still wants the contact.

   

[Forestaken]

feeling violated is another one

[tog]

For me? I waver between staying out of it and taking it over, depending on my mood and his. That seems to balance it out for me. I can't seem to stay out entirely because I care about my SO and his son and I feel like a huge injustice is being done. But I can't take over, either, because it's really not my battle to fight alone and that makes me resentful when I feel I'm going it alone.

He recently had an upcoming trial and he got very discouraged and was not going to do anything to prepare. I saw what was happening so I picked up the flag and went with it, getting things in order and organized for the lawyer. He caught my energy and by the end was spending hours and hours preparing himself. I've helped him with money as well. But there are long stretches of time between court dates that I just stay out of the co-parenting and let him handle it.

In the end it's his problem and he doesn't deal with it the way I would, but that's his right. He gets resentful, rightfully, when I take over and tell him how to handle things, but at the same time, he appreciates my help, if that makes sense, when it's the right kind of help.

Your SO has to decide for himself whether he wants to fight this battle and then you have to decide how much you want to fight too. I told my SO that whatever he decided-to fight on or to let go-I would support him the best I could. It's a long, ugly, exhausting fight. The courts are not fair and the pwBPD are Energizer Bunnies when it comes to keeping the battle going. But I keep my eye on the prize... .  FSS13 growing up knowing us and having a sane home as a point of reference. That helps.

[scraps66]

I felt/feel "emasculated" my the courts, lawyers, and ex.

[scraps66]

tog you hit on somehting else I used to experience.  Lots of let downs recognizing that my preparations were not helping one bit, so it got to the point that I would just not prepare.  I recognize now that in part this ineffectiveness was due to my L being uninterested in being effective.  It appeared litigating with a uBPD was more profitable for her than resolving issues.  Now much clearer.

The system provides, at least in my case, very little satisfaction for the party the abides by the rules.   

[tog]

Same with my SO... .  he kept saying, "what's the point? We've prepared before and it doesn't matter!" but in this case, he finally has a good lawyer and said lawyer needed to be brought up to speed and see all the evidence. So we spent hours and thousands doing so, but now he's prepared for the future.

[Thunderstruck]

You're farther along in the process than my SO is, but I feel the same pain... .  It's been months and dollars and he still doesn't even have a court order. He gets so discouraged and I feel like it affects our relationship sometimes. I've spent a lot of time thinking about this and have come up with the following... .  

- To support him, you could take time to take his mind off it. He is weighed down so heavily by the frustration of it all and sometimes an "escape" is a good way to refresh. I planned a special romantic evening with the SO where we shut out the world (no phones!) and just focused on the two of us and our love. It was really rejuvinating.

- To relieve the pressure, I've backed off a bunch. I am a force to be reckoned with and if this were my situation I would be pushing so much that mountains move. But this is not my situation! He does things at his own pace and I have to let him (no matter how frustrating that seems for me). So by me constantly asking about ":)id you do this today?" ":)id you call the lawyer?" ":)id you do that?" was only adding to the pressure of the situation and making him balk at me. It wasn't encouraging him, it was frustrating him.

- To discourage negative thinking... .  This happens a LOT with my SO, when I suggest ideas he'll say "What's the point?" or "It won't work". So generally I just research and suggest options but the best thing to do is to ask him what he thinks a good plan is. This forces him to thinking about the path forward instead of dwelling on the rut that he's stuck in.

- The communication with the X thing is frustrating, I know. The SO still puts up with his X since they don't have an agreement she is the "gatekeeper" of the kid so that's the only way to get visitation. So... .  this one I haven't an aswer for. Let me know if something works.

[DreamGirl]

- To support him, you could take time to take his mind off it. He is weighed down so heavily by the frustration of it all and sometimes an "escape" is a good way to refresh. I planned a special romantic evening with the SO where we shut out the world (no phones!) and just focused on the two of us and our love. It was really rejuvinating.

- To relieve the pressure, I've backed off a bunch. I am a force to be reckoned with and if this were my situation I would be pushing so much that mountains move. But this is not my situation! He does things at his own pace and I have to let him (no matter how frustrating that seems for me). So by me constantly asking about ":)id you do this today?" ":)id you call the lawyer?" ":)id you do that?" was only adding to the pressure of the situation and making him balk at me. It wasn't encouraging him, it was frustrating him.

- To discourage negative thinking... .  This happens a LOT with my SO, when I suggest ideas he'll say "What's the point?" or "It won't work". So generally I just research and suggest options but the best thing to do is to ask him what he thinks a good plan is. This forces him to thinking about the path forward instead of dwelling on the rut that he's stuck in.

What great advice! 

[tog]

Thunderstruck,

I found the same thing... .  my nagging and trying to control how he does things drove him nuts and made it worse. It also made him feel like I thought he was too stupid to handle it on his own. And truly, as time has progressed, I'm not sure doing it "my" way would have brought about a different or better outcome than what he's gotten doing it "his" way. And his way probably saved us money because I'd be the lawyer's worst nightmare, contacting him all the time.