Random Inquiry RE BPDs- How long does the pedestal period last?

[hell0kitty]

I was searching the boards and the convo has come up a few times.  My BF has a BPDex that we have to share a child with.  That is why I'm here, but the more I learn about BPD, the more interested I get RE what makes them tick.

She is 41. She has only ever had two relationships in her life, just started her 3rd. The longest was with my BF because they had a child together.  The second longest was about 2 years on and off. Both ended in her one day deciding they were "abusive" and trying to get a restraining order.  Both were denied.

Is this typical?  Can we expect a similar outcome with the new guy?  I'd be interested to hear others experience on how long the honeymoon phase lasted before they were "painted black" and then if it ended in a no contact order or false DV claims.

[Diana82]

Hi there

My exBPDgf idealised me in the beginning. I remember she'd gaze into my eyes like a child in a candy store. She put me on a pedestal and was always complimenting me and going on about how gorgeous I was.

Of course I liked this. However, sometimes it even was a bit too much to the point of making me slightly uncomfortable.

I never questioned or stood up to my ex much in the beginning... and I think she liked the doormat I was. I think she always liked the way I was a rescuer personality so she could be the victim and get sympathy. I seemed to feed her needs and she mine.

But I started to notice later... my ex could not be told off or criticised in any way. She did not respond well at all to this. And she never once apologised for anything over 3 years.

Our break up fight involved me pulling her up on bad behaviours. And she couldn't handle it and cracked it at me... projected like there's no tomorrow and then played the victim again... sobbing and such. And then told me I had burnt her and to leave her alone.

She then wiped me off the planet. I'm painted soo black now.

So once you stop filling their void/need and being a doormat... iand even standing up to them... is when u fall off their pedestal.

[Whatwasthat]

 kitty


There's a long and interesting thread on the leaving board somewhere about this. It's quite old and sadly I can't find it at the moment.

But the general message is that the 'honeymoon' phase usually lasts a maximum of two years (though often not so long). But this does not mean - of course - that the relationship promptly comes to an end at this point. As you'll have seen from some of the stories here relationships with someone with BPD can go on for decades - the duration depending on the individual circumstances.

Wishing you well,  WWT.

[FoolishOne]

I have witnessed the pedestal effect many times.  It seemed to recycle with us.  I'm not sure what triggers it but I know it never lasts.  My BPDw would turn it off and on within a matter of hours... .  I would much rather be with someone that doesn't idolize me... .  that's not realistic... .  

I also know she did the same thing with her previous love interests.  It is one of the signature traits.

F1

[hell0kitty]

I'm just wondering i it is that common for them to end things with a restraining order.  Before she came into our world, I had never met anyone in my life who had one of those.  She has put one on her last two boyfriends, or at least has tried to.

[just me.]

I would consider the "pedestal effect" to be different than the honeymoon period.  The honeymoon period is a relatively brief period at the beginning of the relationship in which the pwBPD seems to be the absolute person of your dreams.  No fights... .  just bizarrely perfect.  They mirror you, tell you everything you could ever dream someone saying to you, and will often insist you're perfect.  There are plenty of red flags, but for the uninitiated (as many of us are the first time), it feels like "true love"... .  the weird kind you thought only existed in the movies.  This lasted a month for me, and when it shuts off - it is sudden, inexplicable, and jarring.

The "pedestal effect" is something I associated more with something that occurred frequently throughout the duration of the relationship.  One day, she again believes you are the most amazing, wonderful person in the world... .  and then the next day she truly, truly hates you for some reason that is never rationally explained.  This back and forth that makes up the r/s can range from very long to very short.  Mine was about 7 years of struggle and confusion before it all finally snapped.

The "painting black" is something I personally associate more with the end of the relationship than the end of the honeymoon period.  Once it is "over" (albeit perhaps only temporarily until the ensuing recycle), it seems to typically be necessary for her to view the ex as a true enemy that ruined her life.  This is similar to the low points of the relationship, but much worse because there is no longer the premise of love and hope anywhere to be found.

Mine never asked for a restraining order (at least not yet), but I don't think that's uncommon.  The breakups are not like those seen in healthy relationships.  Her memories of love and commitment and (momentary) happiness all blur in her mind into just one long string of manipulations and cruelties that served to systematically destroy her.  The premise upon which she establishes her hope for future happiness depends on her true belief that she was let down by her partner in a way that is perfectly terrible and utterly undeniable.

That premise seems to become a fortress that needs to be protected at all costs.  If the partner attempts to argue this point, then panic and fury feels as though it's almost inevitable.  :)emanding a restraining order against a nice and non-threatening person would not be something I'd consider an uncharacteristic next step... .  at least from what I've seen.

Before my ex came into my world, there were many things that I thought existed only for people that lived very different lives than me (cheating, lying, betraying, screaming, throwing things, ugly legal battles, fighting for custody, suicide attempts, substance abuse, etc.).  It's part of the vortex that we get trapped in... .  it doesn't seem possible that the super sweet and nice girl you met at the coffee shop that just "wants to be a great mom and make the world a better place" could ever possibly lead you to where many of us have now been.

The pattern of your BF's BPDex is most likely going to continue.  The length of the different relationships may change dramatically, but the patterns within these relationships usually do repeat.

[hell0kitty]

Oh my gosh this part:

Before my ex came into my world, there were many things that I thought existed only for people that lived very different lives than me (cheating, lying, betraying, screaming, throwing things, ugly legal battles, fighting for custody, suicide attempts, substance abuse, etc.).  It's part of the vortex that we get trapped in... .  it doesn't seem possible that the super sweet and nice girl you met at the coffee shop that just "wants to be a great mom and make the world a better place" could ever possibly lead you to where many of us have now been.

So exactly true and I can relate so much.  If I did not find this bored and realize the behavior is in fact a pattern and so many other people have near exactly the same stories, I probably would have run from my current BF thinking he HAD to have done something to this poor woman to make her so hell bent on ruining him.  Her behavior is such a weird Opera Cliche cliche.  It is hard to believe she is in her 40s.

[ThrownAway]

My ex who is probably BPD got a temporary restraining order against me.  The case was later dismissed as she knew it was all lies.  I'd never felt so betrayed as she was pushing to get married a month before this happened.  I wasn't ready to take that step as my gut was telling me something was wrong.  I think when I started to stand up to her and see behind the mask, she knew it was time to toss me in the trash.

[mitti]

I believe, and that was certainly the case in my r/s, that the end of the honeymoon comes when the your r/s moves to a more intimate and deeper level where most normal couples would feel their love for one another deepens and becomes rooted. That's when the fear sets in for a pwBPD and the crazy circus starts. For us the honeymoon ended after 5 months and it happened in one day.

[Diana82]

Thrown away>

Sounds like our stories are similar. I never really stood up to my ex. Rather, she would tell me off or scold me like a child.

But in our break up fight I had reached a point of being fed up and I also saw behind the "mask". I had all these suspicions built up over a while and my gut told me something was just not right about her.

When I confronted her about her inconsistencies and being too defensive/deceptive... I was tossed in the trash. It's as if I "found out" about her or something... and she had to get rid of me quickly...

Almost like a murderer has to kill someone off who knows too much!

[TheRealSully]

As a data point, my time on the pedestal was approximately 12 years to the day.