After the Extinction Burst?

[RedCandle]

I'm reflecting tonight on the now one month of No Contact I've had with my ex... .  and I have a question about extinction bursts.

His extreme behavior right before Christmas was no doubt caused by my sudden determination to NOT respond to any emails or texts. I think when he realized I might really *not* be there at Christmas, he decided to make a dramatic move. If you've read any of my past posts, you know it did not end well.

After he left and I affirmed that his behavior was hurtful and I would not be coming for Christmas, nor spending my vacation with him... .  he sent one last "I love you"... .  and then disappeared completely.

Tomorrow is a month of silence between us... .  and I've really been trying to focus on my codependency issues.

My question is... .  is the rush to action... .  then disappearance, a classic "extinction burst"... .  or am I not understanding it correctly. It seems so odd to me to be so bold and then to erase completely from my life.

I am often wanting to contact him... .  if for nothing else than to see how he is... .  but I'm afraid to, if this is in fact, a creation of BPD.

Just curious to know if anyone has been through one of these "bursts into oblivion" before... .  

[waverider]

I have heard of this often. It is commonly a way to show that you cant control them, a challenge to authority if you like. If the behavior is directed at getting you to change your stance on a boundary it is an extinction burst, but if is just payback rather than trying to overcome the boundary it is not an extinction burst as such, though the anger may come from the same place.

All or nothing is common, and often they can quite easily erase your existence if you are not actually there. Compartmentalize if you like.

Doesn't mean you are forgot for good, just put away in a box for now to avoid all the emotions that dealing with the situation would require

[RedCandle]

All or nothing... .  YES... .  that's what this feels like. Ok... .  I think I have more understanding now... .  either I'm being compartimentalizes... .  or "taught a lesson"... .  

[almost789]

I have heard of this often. It is commonly a way to show that you cant control them, a challenge to authority if you like. If the behavior is directed at getting you to change your stance on a boundary it is an extinction burst, but if is just payback rather than trying to overcome the boundary it is not an extinction burst as such, though the anger may come from the same place.

All or nothing is common, and often they can quite easily erase your existence if you are not actually there. Compartmentalize if you like.

Doesn't mean you are forgot for good, just put away in a box for now to avoid all the emotions that dealing with the situation would require

I think this what mine is doing to me, trying to control my responses to him by pushing my buttons. It's so obvious that he acts out right when we "get back" he acts out doing the very same thing that he knows drives me away. I don't get it.  What are they trying to accomplish? What do they want us to do? I usually just get angry tell him I'm not putting up with it and leave.

[Shaktipat]

When I set a boundary,  my husband reacts the same way he always has, and then ups the ante when I don't engage. If I stay strong and don't follow the old pattern,  he gives it up and starts looking for another way to get me involved in drama.

[waverider]

What are they trying to accomplish? What do they want us to do? I usually just get angry tell him I'm not putting up with it and leave.

He wants you to get angry and thus be at fault, rather than him. Subject matter is not important, but if you are angry then YOU must be bad, not him. The reason is not important, the aim is for you to be triggered. Your 5% is now =100%. Their 95% is absolved by your 5%. You have gone from nothing to all. No such thing as split blame, they wont accept any, so your reaction is the vehicle by which you get full blame, and taken it out the door with you.

[almost789]

I think you are EXACTLY right! And I told him this and it did not go over well with him at all! He reacted in the worst way he ever has.

[almost789]

But, what would be the best reaction. Just ignore it? Then what do they do, burst? And if you ignore that, then what do they do?

[waverider]

The best way is to disengage, and yes leave if necessary, BUT without arguing or trying to defend, no pointing the finger as to why he is out of line.

If he burst and you are not around, what matter.

The real key is to recognize the signs early and disengage early before it gets to boiling point. You should be thinking of taking action to avoid YOU getting stressed and angry, rather than leaving it as action you take AFTER you are stressed and angry.

You are trying to control YOUR stress levels and anger not his.

Easy to say, hard to do 

[waverider]

When I set a boundary,  my husband reacts the same way he always has, and then ups the ante when I don't engage. If I stay strong and don't follow the old pattern,  he gives it up and starts looking for another way to get me involved in drama.

If they cant get through the front door they will try coming down the chimney

YEP thats why boundaries and their responses have to be well thought out in advance. pwBPD are very resourceful when it comes to getting around barriers.

Same careful planning as a military campaign

[RedCandle]

Waverider... .  whether I"m being punished or compartmentalized... .  how should I handle myself?

I continue to want to reach out to him... .  if anything just to break the cold, cold ice and see how he is... .  but I'm not sure that will do ANY good (for him OR me).

[waverider]

Waverider... .  whether I"m being punished or compartmentalized... .  how should I handle myself?

I continue to want to reach out to him... .  if anything just to break the cold, cold ice and see how he is... .  but I'm not sure that will do ANY good (for him OR me).

Get on with your life do what you want to do, you cant control him.

You are right it will not do any good for you or him, leave the door open for him to come in (figuratively) without demanding reasons or explanations. If he comes in without issues fine, if he comes in with issues then show him out again. If he doesn't come at all so be it.

You teach people how to treat you. If you go get him, you will always be expected to go get him.

[RedCandle]

You teach people how to treat you. If you go get him, you will always be expected to go get him.

I am writing this down!

Excellent!

[Shaktipat]

When I set a boundary,  my husband reacts the same way he always has, and then ups the ante when I don't engage. If I stay strong and don't follow the old pattern,  he gives it up and starts looking for another way to get me involved in drama.

If they cant get through the front door they will try coming down the chimney

YEP thats why boundaries and their responses have to be well thought out in advance. pwBPD are very resourceful when it comes to getting around barriers.

Same careful planning as a military campaign

When he does find another way to create conflict,  I set another boundary,  disengage,  and his search for confrontation continues. Now when he can't engage me in conflict,  he leaves on weekends to visit his elderly parents. I think this satisfies his urge to run for a few weeks.  And then it continues... .  

[almost789]

The best way is to disengage, and yes leave if necessary, BUT without arguing or trying to defend, no pointing the finger as to why he is out of line.

If he burst and you are not around, what matter.

The real key is to recognize the signs early and disengage early before it gets to boiling point. You should be thinking of taking action to avoid YOU getting stressed and angry, rather than leaving it as action you take AFTER you are stressed and angry.

You are trying to control YOUR stress levels and anger not his.

Easy to say, hard to do 

I agree that I must disengage and not react in anger if I want to stay. However, yes it is easier said than done for sure. I have found I do not wish to change myself for him. I react in anger to the things he does. I found that in trying to NOT be angry about what he does, is not being true to myself and in the long run it hurt me by trying to "accept" what he does. I can not accept it and do not wish to, so I've left the relationship, as I know it for good. I've said I will remain his friend, but I no longer wish to view the relationship as a romantic one.

[almost789]

I've just come to the conclusion lately that I think I would rather just chose to spend my time and energy with people who don't intentionally push my buttons and try to provoke anger. Or in other words have accepted that he and I are not compatible. I do have other friends who I get along just fine with who don't provoke anger in me. It was hard for me to come to this realization because of course we "were' perfect for each other in the beggining. But that wasn't real.

[almost789]

redcandle, yes ive been through many bursts into oblivion. Its what they do. He says he loves you and he probably does in his own way. He can't handle the intimacy that brings and so the dissapearance... .  not so much extiction burst. Just distancing... .  

[almost789]

Mine sent me this song... .  "too close"  check it out.