Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
August 05, 2021, 08:07:38 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Turkish
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Depression = 72% of members
Take the test, read about the implications, and check out the remedies.
111
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Facebook: To Unfriend or Not to Unfriend?  (Read 13532 times)
Wimowe
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 71


« on: January 17, 2013, 08:41:38 PM »



Any thoughts?

Thanks in advance,

W
Logged
wowjer
***
Offline Offline

Posts: 104


« Reply #1 on: January 17, 2013, 08:52:08 PM »

option 3

take a break and get away from facebook entirely.  you can cancel and come back at any time by signing back in. 
Logged
Clearmind
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 5519



« Reply #2 on: January 17, 2013, 08:56:11 PM »

Wimowe, I understand the question mark you pose.

Not to unfriend - means you are on to and subject to some future hurt - you can choose to not to unfriend and work through any negative feelings and emotions that crop up!

To Unfriend - for me I unfriended to maintain some much needed distance - to unfriend was fraught with mixed feelings.

How do you feel and what would each option provide you with?
Logged

catalina

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Posts: 38


« Reply #3 on: January 17, 2013, 09:06:33 PM »

My FB friends are my only friends right now and have been a major source of support. I didn't unfriend my BPDh at first, but then he began being a nuisance, posting annoying things that everyone could see, then I restricted that so he started harassing me through inbox messages.

So, another option is to block the person. It really depends on the situation.  I haven't lost any FB friends over this ordeal, not even his family members.

If you do not unfriend, there might be more to deal with than you would like.
Logged
Wimowe
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 71


« Reply #4 on: January 17, 2013, 09:16:09 PM »

How do you feel and what would each option provide you with?

Thank you wowjer, Clearmind, and catalina for your responses!

On consideration, my motive for unfriending her is to 'send a signal' that our friendship is over -- just in case she hasn't already figured that out.  Unfriending her on fb feels like another pretext for engaging with her.  So I plan to do nothing for now.  I spend almost nil time on fb anyway -- only to reply to fb messages.  My uBPDxgf claims to hate fb, so I don't think harassment will be a problem.   I'll take action if it becomes so.
Logged
Diana82
Also "ZaraP"
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 607


« Reply #5 on: January 17, 2013, 11:25:40 PM »

depends how you broke up...

My ex dumped me and a week later deleted me off facebook (as well as changed her number).

I looked at it as burning bridges and very petty.

This is a 28 year old who blocks people on facebook still. People whom she just has minor disagreements with.

Granted, I have deleted a couple of people in my day including one ex fling-turned friend person.

 I had her on Facebook but she started to post inappropriate and flirty comments on my wall and my then partner was very uncomfortable. I also didn't like it and I decided to delete her based on that. I thought she was disrespectful and she knew I was seeing someone new.

But then again, I don't think I would want to see my ex posting photos of herself and seeing what she's up to.

So I'd maybe delete her... .  but I don't think I could ever do it in the same way my ex did- which was pretty brutal coupled with changing her number.

It's not healthy to be so uncivil.
Logged
anonnon

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 41



« Reply #6 on: January 18, 2013, 12:06:03 PM »

I did just enough to ensure she'd block me. Then unfollowed her on twitter, allowing her space to top me by blocking in retaliation. I knew she took great pleasure in feeding me false hope, and it's also important that BPD's think they've 'won.' So yeah, this way she leaves me well enough alone, but still does periodically try to manipulate me through one other social network we have in common. (We've blocked each other on there too, but clearly both kno we look at each others pages. My next step is to stop checking her online presences every day.)
Logged
Clearmind
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 5519



« Reply #7 on: January 18, 2013, 05:19:43 PM »

On consideration, my motive for unfriending her is to 'send a signal' that our friendship is over -- just in case she hasn't already figured that out.  Unfriending her on fb feels like another pretext for engaging with her.  So I plan to do nothing for now.  I spend almost nil time on fb anyway -- only to reply to fb messages.  My uBPDxgf claims to hate fb, so I don't think harassment will be a problem.   I'll take action if it becomes so.

Yes I can understand that. I listened to my gut when it came to FB and blocked my ex. Blocking provided me time to heal - I have no idea whether it sent him a message that the r/s was over or not but it sure helped me.

Choose what is right for you... .  
Logged

nowwhatz
******
Offline Offline

Posts: 756


« Reply #8 on: January 18, 2013, 05:27:10 PM »

I have not been FB friends with on and off BPDgf in 18 months. She blocked me. We have recycled many, many times since with no FB communication.
Logged
FoolishOne
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 315



« Reply #9 on: January 18, 2013, 05:44:55 PM »

As soon as she signs the annulment. ... .  there will be no reason to keep her on my facebook. ... to see her and her new guy who is just around the corner... .  not a chance.
Logged
Iam_Grace

Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 8


« Reply #10 on: January 18, 2013, 07:20:48 PM »

Facebook is my current nemesis. I deactivated my account a couple of months ago during a period when we were supposed to be taking some space to think. Suddenly she was posting status update after status update (at least 6 over the course of a couple hours-pictures included). It gave me a window into her world, kept me engaged. Granted I could have not looked but it is hard to have that much self-control all the time. There was something unsettling about seeing posts that ranged from i am miserable to look how happy i am.  And yes sometimes a status update is just a status update but i feel like in this type of relationship dynamic it is not quite that simple.  So I turned it off and havent turned it on again (even during the time period that we were back on).

Our last conversation was almost 2 weeks ago and neither of us have attempted any form of contact. But I battle the urge to reactivate my account daily! Even though ending the relationship was 100% the right decision, for whatever reason I find myself wanting to know what version of the story is playing out on facebook (the victim, the I found a new lover, the warrior).  When the urge to take a peak gets really bad I ask myself what is it that I want to see? Is there something that might make me feel better? And the answer is ALWAYS no!  No matter what I see I will feel worse. So why do I want to look?

What i suspect is that she will appear "fine" on facebook. And that kind of gets to me... .  and I am trying to sort out that feeling- (because I really do want her to find happiness and be ok). What i have concluded is that part of the hook towards the end of the relationship was that she constantly told me how devastated she would be if we broke up, that it would take her forever to get over me, that she couldn't imagine life without me blah blah blah. And i felt guilty about how much she seemed to be hurting. So I stayed a little too long. So knowing she is "fine" makes me feel mad at myself for not getting out sooner. Even though I knew it was not a healthy relationship and my life is much calmer/less stressful since we stopped talking, I still am grieving because it was a loss of someone I care deeply about despite all the dysfunction. I think I am still trying to find answers! But the one place i wont find them is on Facebook. I hope in the nearish future I stop wanting to look every day... .  



Logged
Blessed0329
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 189



« Reply #11 on: January 18, 2013, 08:32:16 PM »

I have not unfriended my ex yet. I was seriously considering it, but thought it might trigger him in some way. So, it remains a way we can openly communicate on occasion. Interesting to me is to see how he goes through periods of mood swings, times when he runs all over trying to get attention, times when he stays off completely, times when he posts wildly, both positively and negatively. He's had about 20 people unfriend him, I guess because he offended them somehow with this erratic behavior. He is currently a church pastor, so to have that many people block him seems startling, and yet another reason I hesitate to do so.
Logged
goodguy
**
Offline Offline

Posts: 62


« Reply #12 on: January 18, 2013, 09:27:01 PM »

I just unfriended the exBPDgf this week. We broke up three months ago after she found her new guy and kicked me to the curb. I wanted to stay FB friends just to make sure she's ok, but I finally had to delete her this week - too much over the top "look how happy I am with my new bf" from her (they're still in the honeymoon phase.) I know she's bad for me but it still hurts like hell to see her with someone else, so I had to unfriend her - I couldn't not look, and every time I'd look and see pics of them, see the same pics and lines that she used with me being used on him, etc, it would set me back in my recovery for a good three or four days. I finally decided its best for me if I can't see her Facebook profile.
Logged
Iam_Grace

Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 8


« Reply #13 on: January 18, 2013, 09:43:19 PM »

Thanks for that reminder goodguy! You inspired me to stick with not reactivating my fb. For whatever reason I keep thinking i want to see what she has been doing these past 2 weeks since NC-like it will help somehow. But you are so right-it will only hurt and pull me back in. I am sorry you had to see those posts and it sounds like deleting her was a good decision for you.
Logged
goodguy
**
Offline Offline

Posts: 62


« Reply #14 on: January 18, 2013, 10:00:58 PM »

Thanks for that reminder goodguy! You inspired me to stick with not reactivating my fb. For whatever reason I keep thinking i want to see what she has been doing these past 2 weeks since NC-like it will help somehow. But you are so right-it will only hurt and pull me back in. I am sorry you had to see those posts and it sounds like deleting her was a good decision for you.

Sure thing, and thanks. I really should have done it sooner. Right after the breakup I was so worried about her and how she was doing (she hadn't used the new partner as the excuse for the breakup - she said it "wasn't the right time for us" as we were LD) and whether she was hurting. She had made ME feel terrible about the breakup, even though she was the one at fault (funny how they do that). Then, as I'm worried for her safety and health (she told me she had tried to commit suicide after her last breakup), pics pop up of her partying, hanging with her new guy, all seemingly without a care in the world, while of course I had been devastated.

You are right - nothing you see on there will make you feel better. It will only make you feel worse. And they are always fine without us (at least on the outside).
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2021?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2021 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
Andi1956
Anondad
Cnvi
doghouse
drained1996
EyesUp
Harri
JD2028
lovenature
Mac5
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
old97
P.F.Change
Skip
snowglobe
Swimmy55
Teno
Turkish
wendydarling

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!