Emotional invalidation... read this article

[Diana82]

I came across this article and it makes a lot of sense to me. Thought I would share it with you...

My ex told me she had been bullied throughout her childhood and her parents and teachers did nothing. Apparently her parents had a "toughen up" approach and told her she was too sensitive.

And at age 28, she still resented her parents over this. She suffered from ongoing depression and thought about it in bouts. She'd always speak of having an unhappy childhood.

So, because she was not emotionally validated as a kid, could very well explain her BPD behaviour as an adult. The article also touches on how some kids are born with a predisposition to having strong emotional reactions so their parents can naturally tell them to "stop overreacting".

My ex would overreact to everything... and now I can see that I was invalidating her emotions too, without knowing about her issues. When my ex dumped me over an argument... and then said "I burnt her more than anyone else"... i thought how extreme!

But now I think I can see where these strong emotional reactions stem from and how they manifest. Perhaps BPDs are in need of validation that they never received as children- and this causes the victim mentality. 

www.BPD.about.com/od/causesofBPD/a/Emotional-Invalidation.htm

[atcrossroads]

Hi Diana,

I'd love to read this as my uBPDh is a total victim -EVERYTHING is someone else's fault!  However, the link takes me to a list of articles and none of them are entitled emotional invalidation.

Which article is it?  Thanks so much!

[LetItBe]

Perhaps BPDs are in need of validation that they never received as children- and this causes the victim mentality. 

Good point.  I can see how one would seek from a partner what they didn't receive from a parent, be it validation, unconditional love, etc.

[GreenMango]

Validation is one of skills the staying board teaches as a way to 'stop the bleeding' where  conflict is tearing the relationship apart.

This is a great skill for any relationship.  Yet these skills don't cure BPD.  They can add missing stability but you still have to contend with the core issues that plague the dynamic.

Sometimes people, because of their emotional problems that began before you came into the picture, have a need for unconditional validation and unconditional love.  The types of things that parents sometimes fulfill.  This can equate to expectations of  an unconditonal romantic relationship.  This is a fantasy most partnerships are conditional, on what conditions are based on your values/principles/boundaries.  When the fantasy doesn't match with reality disappoint sets in and all that unresolved stuff surfaces then the relationship is plagued with these unresolved issues from childhood.

But maybe something to ask yourself is could you have a unconditional relationship? Could you maintain being a parent figure for your partner in this sense?   Is unconditional validation 100% of the time possible?  

Where in your life have you had an unconditional relationship and was required to maintain it?  Was giving an unconditional relationship your normal?

[LetItBe]

Sometimes people, because of their emotional problems that began before you came into the picture, have a need for unconditional validation and unconditional love.  The types of things that parents sometimes fulfill.  This can equate to expectations of  an unconditonal romantic relationship.  This is a fantasy most partnerships are conditional, on what conditions are based on your values/principles/boundaries.  When the fantasy doesn't match with reality disappoint sets in and all that unresolved stuff surfaces then the relationship is plagued with these unresolved issues from childhood.

Is unconditional validation 100% of the time possible?  

GREAT post, GM!  That explains something that happened in my RS with my BPDexbf.  He wanted an unconditional RS and said so.  Of course, that was unrealistic as I could not provide unconditional validation 100% of the time.  As he's recently stated, he "had to learn to be okay" without someone else's approval.  He is committed to his therapy and sounds like he has an excellent therapist, so this didn't happen without a lot of effort on his part.  Quite an epiphany, I believe... .