After a period of no contact- returning to contact

[Sunnys Blues]

Hello, I haven't been around the boards much- life has been, well- life.

Two and a half years ago, I cut off contact with my BPD mother. During this time, I've done a good job of staying out of contact with her.

Before Christmas, I was talking with my T about sending my mom a generic Christmas card- nothing specific to "mom," just the card I was sending to friends and such. My T was okay with that contact, as well as leaving my mom a generic VM.

Now, I want to have more contact with my mom. My T is willing to have her come to a session, and have us draw up rules for contact/relationship.

Of course, before we go that far, my T wants me to figure out why I want a relationship with my mother... .  

I have a few reasons as to why I want contact- she's my adoptive mom, and I still love her. There were a lot of good times, as well a plenty of bad times, where she treated me worse than you would treat a cockroach.

Has anyone here been able to successfully have a "decent" relationship with their BPD after a period of no contact? My brother is also no contact with my mom at this time, and he is quite mad at me that I want some contact with her.

[GeekyGirl]

Hi Sunnys,

Welcome back. It's understandable that you want to get back in touch with your mother, and it sounds like you're already working on setting boundaries and protecting yourself.

Of course, before we go that far, my T wants me to figure out why I want a relationship with my mother... .  

That's a good question. Have you thought about what kind of relationship you want with your mother? How close do you want to be with her?

You mentioned that your brother doesn't want you to have contact with your mother. That can be tough, but ultimately your relationship with your mother doesn't have to include him. Do you think contacting your mother would affect your relationship with your brother?

[Sunnys Blues]

Thanks, GeekyGirl!

I am having a difficult time trying to figure out what I would want out of a relationship with her. Part of me feels like- "hey, she's 74- it's possible I dont' have a lot of time left to see if there could be a relationship." A big part of me knows nothing has changed, and she will revert back to her ways of treating me bad- some of the stuff she has done to me in the past literally would qualify as war crimes!  Another part of me simply wants the mommy I never really had... .  

I have a decent relationship with my brother- it's just the two of us, and only we know what it was like to grow up in our household. My brother has no interest in therapy (though he will show up to the T, if he feels it's something which could help me. He came with me when I set my no contact boundaries a couple of years ago.) so, he's not in the same place I am, as far as doing the emotional work. I don't think it would affect my relationship with him or his family. I think he comes from a point of view of wanting to protect me from further damage.

Of course, I want to protect myself from further damage. As I think about it, I'm sure I have false hope that my uBPD has had time to think about all the horrid things she's done, and she's ready to "be good." Of course, that's bs- she's apologized for a few things, but not for the soul-crushing things she's done. Seriously- she feels she has made a full confession to God, and she's ready to "move on." (Why is it the people who do the most damage easily forgive themselves, and expect you to be ready to move on, as well?)


I'm thinking- I will never have a close mother-daughter relationship with my mom. I would like to be able to call her on occassion, maybe even see her for lunch or something casual.  I need to think more about what I want, and how close it will be... .  

The joke I currently have with my T- my mom has my childhood flute. I want it back... .  but that's not a good reason to contact her! Plus, I don't want to give my mom false hope that I will return as the "guilty" daughter, ready to help her and do everything for her. Thos days are long gone!

I appreciate your thoughts. You've clarified what I think my T was hinting at- not only why do I want a relationship with her, but what level of involvement would I feel comfortable having with my mom.