He is trying to hurt me - doesnt he realise how he hurts the children too?

[Cmjo]

As time goes by since I left BPDh everything is still chaos and unpredictability, and I am still soft footing around him, not able to insist on any structure in our lives because it just leads to offensive comments and messages.

The children have been back at school for two weeks since the end of xmas holidays. i also started my own business 2 weeks ago. They day before they went back to school and I moved to my new office, my d11 told him about it (I thought he knew but hadnt discussed it because we were not on friendly terms). When I went to collect the kids from him I got a rant about how I had abandonded him, abandoned my former company, new house, new office, new life, how I must have unlimited funds to do all this, so he wont collect the children from school anymore I am obviously rich enough to pay someone and he wont be my babysitter. All this in front of D 11 who I could see was feeling anguished that she had talked to him about my new job. I once dared to ask him if he would give me 50% for the expenses of the children and he said no. He has said no to everything. I just have to move back, otherwise he is not doing me any "favours".

The first day in the new office 30 km away, I did not know who would collect the kids from school, found a friend to help me, the next day his father, while he was just sulking, abandoning the children to make me suffer, making them suffer in the meantime.

This is not new, he would from time to time disappear from the "parenting team" after a row with me, leaving me to juggle work and children by myself, until we made up and he decided to "help" again.

It is impossible to get other help, I have tried, but when I arrange a paid babysitter he rings my daughter that morning and says he is going to pick her up from school. He works shifts so has been involved all their lives, there is enough change in their lives right now I dont want to palm them off on anyone else when he should be facing up to his responsibilities.

Meeting him is impossible, I will get too emotional and he will get angry. He just avoids the point of finding solutions, denies that his behaviour hurts the children, just turns it back to how I have destroyed the family so they are bound to be hurt!

I guess I need to try to deal with the problems one by one. If I write him a long email he responds in one line and never addresses the issues. Maybe he just cant. If I ring him he doesnt answer the phone. Even if I ring the house and ask the kids to let me speak to him he wont come on the phone.

So I will have to make my own list and see if I can slowly get him to respond, but its going to be a long uphill struggle.

I have posted a lot in the last few months about the end of the 12 year relationship, this has helped but its still really tough. I have a new positive outlet for me now and am proud of achieving my dream of my own company, now I need to focus on trying to give more stability for the kids.

Thank you to all parents out there for listening.

[Rose Tiger]

Hi Cmjo,

I had kindercare pick up my daughter after school and then I would pick her up later from the daycare.  There are services like that for kiddos.  You can also talk to the school about parents that are willing to do this for other parents.  Some schools have after school programs, my daughter did this for awhile and I would pick her up from school when I got off work.

When it comes to kids, I couldn't depend on her dad and it was too scary thinking about him blowing it off.  I needed the assurance that she would be safe or I wouldn't be able to focus on work.  If y'all aren't close to working out a separation agreement, you can file for emergency child support and get that ball rolling.  I know it's hard to think of doing all this with no help from him, you can't let things get crazy waiting for him to step up, the kids are too important.

[DreamGirl]

 

It is tough - and it's hard going from being married making decisions to being divorced and making decisions. It takes some transitioning, which isn't obviously a strong suit for some.

I would offer choices.

1.) He can continue to pick kiddos up.

2.) You get after school care and he helps pay for it.

I personally would offer it in a calm, business like manner. And remember, just because he wants to make it about your abandonment of him, doesn't mean that you have to.  

Dear Ex,

I would like to address the afterschool care for the kiddos.

I prefer that they continue to go with you afterschool and so do they. I think it benefits us both financially and the kids want to go with their dad. I do understand, though, if that isn't working for you.

The only other option I have is to have someone else take them or look into an afterschool program. I've researched and found that it will cost $250 per week. It's an additional cost that was not originally addressed in our court orders, so it will have to be revisited as to how much we each contribute to the cost.

Let me know your thoughts.

Cmjo

He'll most likely come back with the same nonsense. That you're rich and you pay for it. It's just not how it works. You can't keep walking on eggshells while he threatens to take away this convenience (for both of you).

Let him follow thru on his threat if he needs to. Get afterschool care and pay for it - and have the child support revisted to include the cost of daycare.

You can't let him hold you hostage.    

[Matt]

You need to get temporary orders in place as soon as possible.

You can figure out what you think would be best - which days and times the kids will be with you and which they will be with him.  Also write a plan for summer and other times off school, and for birthdays and holidays.  You can find a template online, or start a thread here just about that - best schedules for kids these ages.

In addition to the schedule, support should be set according to your state's guidelines.  They're probably available online, or any family law attorney should have them.

File a motion asking the court to set temporary orders accordingly.  Ideally that would happen with days - the longer this goes on the worse things will get.  He will have the opportunity to respond, and there may be a hearing where the court will decide.

Once temporary orders are set there will be less chaos.  If the kids are your responsibility on weekdays, then you'll have to figure out how to manage their after-school time.  If they are his responsibility, then he will have to manage it.

[gina louise]

Cmjo,

I admire your strength and perseverance.   

Congrats on your new business, and I wish you every success. You deserve it.

The one thing I see that's causing problems is that you are asking your ex to be responsible about child care and he's choosing not to. Or he's doing it partially-which is a punitive half measure that hurts the kids and gives you no continuity.

I don't know what divorce guidelines are where you live-but I bet you would have to file for separation/dissolution and custody-and get your own Attorney. (I know you are one-can you get recommendations from colleagues as to hiring a good one?)

You stbxBPDh WILL go off the deep end with more extinction bursts-be ready.

But I really think you have made solid, reasonable choices thus far and you need to get Legal "protection" of sorts in place.

Your stbxBPDhh is simply not reliable. Maybe court Orders will help you secure his help-when he sees you are serious. OR you will be able to bypass him and get after school care from an outside agency or person. The kids will be fine with outside caregivers. Maybe even better-as their Dad will not be hovering over them with smoke and mirrors about You, their Mom. Don't let your HUSBAND use the kids as HIS excuse to punish you for creating a Life.

GL

[Rose1]

I dealt with some of this too especially in the early years. ExBPDh actually told D once she was older, that he didn't pay for her because I didn't deserve any help because of my course of action. When she said that this just ended up hurting her and her sister she got "well that is the price you had to pay for the mother you have". Now he wonders why the kids are NC. (D23 and D27) Can't figure it out - must be my fault.

So the answer is No they don't care. Like most small children it is gratification now, do what I want now and no thought to consequences. When the consequences come it's "fix this now". Time your H learned to live with his consequences - that will take time and might never happen, but you no longer have to bail him out.

I found that the best thing I ever did was to become as independent of him as possible which took a little while but gave me the most peace of mind. That meant kids went to after school care, we made do on my income and I did things to increase my income over time (studied, changed roles so my pay went up). I knew that any dependence at all would be used to make my life difficult. Early on I needed him to look after the girls a few times (D was sick and I had no sick leave or holiday leave). First he took her for a day under protest, then he stuck her in the car and drove around doing stuff while she had a high fever. She was 12 at the time and we both got sick or it by the end of the first day - she phoned and asked to come home. I told her she was too sick to be at home on her own. She said she would manage and much prefer it. We did it and I phoned her regularly from work and it worked out. A couple of times I had to drop everything and sort out kid stuff - youngest is epileptic and had a couple of seizures at school.  I always had very understanding bosses and eventually they allowed me to work from home at times. Life slowly got easier.

Have a look at your situation, decide what would make your life easier without relying on exh and work toward that - for example, are you in premises of your own? Is there a room there for a small day bed should one of the kids get sick?  Do you have someone you could call on in an emergency should you be late getting to after school care? (Twice in 10 years my train was offline and I had to call a friend). You may not need them often, but it gives great peace of mind to have a plan. It took a lot of effort to get everything sorted out, lots of phone calls etc but eventually I had it working very well and most of the time things ran smoothly. Peace of mind for all

[tog]

You've got to get some kind of court order in place. Yes, getting it in place will bring lots of conflict and chaos, offensive messages etc, but in the end it will be worth it. PwBPD often like the sense of control they can get from obstructing your plans, jerking you around and using the kids as pawns to punish you. Do they know it hurts the kids? In my experience, if they do, they don't really care or aren't able to see past their own hurt feelings and anger enough to stop their behavior.

My SO's uBPDstbxw loved to jerk him around, blocking his access, playing games with exchanges, sending abusive and hostile messages whenever he tried to set a boundary. It's been a painful 2 years, but gradually through the courts, there have been more and more boundaries set on her and now she's in a place where all of that is being watched by the courts and a court-appointed co-parent counselor. What a relief it is to be able to just follow the schedule without always waiting to see what kind of game she would play to block the next parenting time period, or the next vacation.

Get a good lawyer and start putting together a plan where he either agrees to the after school care or helps pay for it. In the meanwhile, pay for it yourself and then get the back money when it all gets settled, if you can.