wanted to share my story.

[eyebrows]

Hi all,

don't really know what to expect starting this thread but i've read this forum for a while and it's been really helpful, and after coming home for a visit for the first time in 2.5 years i've had the urge to reach out a bit.

to give a basic rundown; i'm 25, lived out of home for nearly 7 years. since i was little i noticed my family was different - our home was always cluttered and dirty, my parents didn't have friends and my friend's parents didn't seem to fly into rages for no reason... for a start! by the time i was 16 i seemed to run into problems. i had trouble keeping friends, didn't feel good enough, dropped out of school and slept all day with no dreams or aspirations besides the occasional idea that i'd somehow become famous, run away and find a perfect boyfriend.

my mother had no friends, HATED my dad with a passion regardless of the fact they are still, to this day, married and living together. if i did something wrong in her eyes i was daddy's girl, she'd call me by my surname to emphasise that i took after him and it wasn't a good thing. i always thought, "hello! you chose to have children with him, of course i'm his daughter!" sadly that shred of reality i had wasn't enough to save me from the chronic feelings of inadequacy and guilt i'm now understanding aren't founded. it's taken me a long time to get over and don't get me wrong, i still have bad days but moving away and finding positive role models in my boss/boyfriend/therapist has helped in ways i can't even begin to say.

it wasn't until the last few years i realised this though. i had an inkling after i became old enough to have boyfriends that my behaviour was like hers in the way i demonised my partners and yet so heavily relied on them. she blames my dad for all her problems and while yeah, he may be lazy etc etc etc i've started to realise everyone's responsible for their lives/emotions/choices etc and i think the fact that came as a revelation to me shows i was misguided for a lot of my childhood.

the blame didn't stop at my dad. while my life is hard in terms of feeling worth something to anyone (i was ignored/overlooked/pushed aside in preference for my brother, the favourite) i have to admit i feel lucky to have been able to leave. i'm slowly dealing with my self esteem and i think i'm doing great, which even to feel "proud" of makes me feel proud. it means everything to me.

my brothers, not so lucky. i think my mum saw them as her potential saviours. to look after her, always be there. they feel the guilt and the pressure more than i do and i guess that's why i'm writing this. coming home has been hard because this is the first time since i started seeing someone and i'm terrified of my WORK being UNDONE... its like i stand to lose myself! luckily this is my last night here and i've spent most of it out and busy. it's seeing them unhappy, feeling effed up and lost that hurts the most. i can leave tomorrow but they can't.

just now i decided to spend my last night at my friend's place. when i said i felt guilty she said not to, and that i was welcome there... but i meant i felt guilty for not going to my mum's place, and she didn't understand why! moments like that make me realise my feelings of guilt and shame etc aren't reality, and so i settled in to her place for the night satisfied that i'd already spent 2 out of 5 nights here and that when i was with mum she could barely pause the tv to listen to me, and when we did chat it always turned to her complaining about dad/my brothers/life etc. then my brother calls, apparently she'd made dinner and was furious i hadn't come home! there was no call, and she never makes that kind of effort. somehow, to her, i'm expected to guess when it matters that i'm around!

for the first time all week that feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach came back. long story short i cried, packed up my stuff and went home. i missed the worst of it, and as expected i got home to find mum drunk, barely awake in front of the tv. barely said a word to me. i just can't believe that anxiety i experienced, that feeling of dread like i'm 5 years old and knowing my scary monster of a mother is mad at me. even sitting here in my childhood bedroom right now typing this i'm listening out for her to storm up here in a fit of rage and scream at me, i'm on edge.

i think she's calmed down (read: passed out) but the worst part is that my brother copped it. he's the one who called me to tell me to come home. he himself reacted to her episode and i don't blame him, he has to live here at the moment and deal with it. he's desperately trying to make something of his life and pretend he's normal and it breaks my heart that he's finding it so hard. it's the same stuff as i go through; the guilt, shame, hurt... i want to help but i don't know where to start

i don't know if anyone will read this but i have to say even getting it written down has been helpful.

[Rose Tiger]

   Your insight is incredible for your age.  It took me years, decades, to get to where you are at now.  You see it, they are laying their shame and brokeness onto you and brother.  You have nothing to be ashamed about and neither does your brother.  You both dealt with incredible hardships growing up, you were good kids that survived an abusive childhood.  Keep working with your therapist and don't let those lies implanted by your mother take up any room in your thoughts.  Denounce them, tell those thoughts they are lies and that you aren't perfect but no one is, you are worthy of love, you are capable of growing and learning healthy ways to take care of yourself.  You have come so far, you took care of yourself, you raised yourself.  That is an incredible accomplishment.  Your brother will see your healing and you will be able to lead the way for him eventually.  Good job you!

[GeekyGirl]

Hi eyebrows,

Welcome!   Sometimes just getting your story out can bring some relief. I can imagine how stressful it is living with your mother and feeling like she could rage at any minute. That is tough, and I'm sorry you're going through this. It must hard watching your brothers struggle as well.

As Rose Tiger said, you've shown a lot of strength, and you've found the right place for support.   We all know how difficult it is living with someone with BPD, and many of us here have mothers affected by the disorder. This is where you'll find validation, advice, and some tools to help you through this.

You mentioned that you've learned some behaviors from your mother, which is very, very common. It's good that you're looking at yourself and how to live a healthier life. What have you learned from the positive role models in your life? How has having that support helped you move forward?

It sounds like you're on a good path for your own growth, which is great. Please feel free to jump in the conversation here and keep us posted on how you're doing!

-GG

[eyebrows]

Hi guys   i have to admit i'm touched by your replies and this has made my night easier already. positive and constructive words mean a lot!

it's only a couple of hours till i go home, forever this time. i'll never visit again. i dreaded this visit but needed a distraction because my boyfriend went away for the weekend. on a side note - dealing with being away with him has been so much easier! i felt the usual mad, sad, hurt at first, but i have to say i MISS him without feeling like i can't cope. i'm genuinely happy he's having fun too and can't wait to see him a nice change from the usual abandonment and hurt i can feel with a few hours apart!

i have so many mixed feelings about my mum and i feel so guilty because she's sick now. i've never dealt with a (physically) sick parent and it doesn't make standing my ground and looking after myself easy; she pulled the sick card when i didn't come home last night and i had to come home. it went against everything i felt about needing to put myself first as an adult. after the initial freak out i had i realised she is guilt tripping and almost in a weird way enjoying it? it must suit the victim in her well  and i feel guilty again for saying this stuff.

there's been a few things that stood out this time i visited:

the house is a tip. its full of animals that live inside and no cleaning is ever done to counteract it. it smells like dogs and everything's covered in cat hair and the place is falling apart yet she buys expensive furniture and entertainment systems etc  it goes against what i've been teaching myself about taking pride in myself. i have to try harder than other people to keep my apartment clean because i was never shown cleaning etc, i learnt through work. looking after my self and home has become a massive part of me and i feel angry with her for not giving a s**t... and she doesn't see it. she thinks it looks fine and if you complain about the dogs she gets deeply offended

her view of the world. everything is bad. i built the courage to sit and talk to her on my first morning and she's already drinking, and before asking about me or how i've been it just steers towards the usual: my brother disappoints her, dad is useless, people are bad, my brother shouldn't marry his girlfriend because marriage is a lie and no marriages are happy (i told her i know lots of happy married couples and she was astounded, and brushed it off because i wouldn't know what secrets they'd all have)... then i show her some photos of what i've been up to and whenever there's a female in the picture "oh you're prettier" "oh she's not as good as you"... then when someone might be prettier than me? "oh i hope she's not too close to your boyfriend." I CAN'T BELIEVE I USED TO LISTEN TO THAT. and while i always thought it sounded crazy it still affected me... only now have i started making female friends, no guesses why that's been so hard! don't even get me started on jealousy issues...

the biggest problem is its so draining. i know i've moved on and i know my life is full of good influence and positive things. but to have to listen to her while i'm here and have no voice of my own. that's the root of it all. i can't say my opinion. i can't disagree. it's stifling and limiting and exhausting to think if i don't just agree with all the bulls**t all hell will break loose. i'll sacrifice my voice for any hope of some peace.

its very sad  sorry to rant. i get angry still. and i know its healthy to be angry but i don't want to be angry, i want to be happy. and while i'm making great changes i still have days where i think, what could i have accomplished if i'd been given this chance from the beginning? rather than having a career right now i'm fixing myself. its hard. and i know i can't do anything about it now and i want to see the good in it, but its hard.

i was wondering, what do you suggest i could say to my brother to help him? he said i inspired him today and that made me cry because to think there's that much of a difference in me makes me proud. i thought of lending him stop walking on eggshells, and even telling him to use this forum. there's not much i can do if i'm interstate...

[GeekyGirl]

Hang in there. Hopefully you and your boyfriend will be together again soon. It's good that you're at a point where you can miss him and still feel like you can enjoy yourself a little while you're apart. It does get easier over time.

It can be very draining listening to anyone who has a pessimistic view of the world, but it's a whole new level of frustrating when it involves your own mother comparing you to others. Do you think you could tune out your mother's comments or change the subject to something more benign, like the weather or gas prices? That has helped me when my mother starts into an uncomfortable subject.

i was wondering, what do you suggest i could say to my brother to help him? he said i inspired him today and that made me cry because to think there's that much of a difference in me makes me proud. i thought of lending him stop walking on eggshells, and even telling him to use this forum.

That's a good question, and it really depends on your relationship with your brother. How do you think he'd react if you offer to help him? How much does he already know, and how would you want to help him--to better cope with your mother, find his independence or is there something else he's struggling with?

As for realizing that you've changed for the better, definitely savor the moment.

[Rose Tiger]

I don't have a lot to add to GeekyGirl's comments.  After I saw the light ( ) I did start practicing validation techniques.  They have an opinion I didn't agree with?  I tried validating their thoughts, that is understanding where they are coming from without agreeing.  Oh, you see that blah de blah is bleu de bleu?  Oh ok, I see what you mean.  I like how it comforts family members, versus, wth?  You are flip city!

I go real slow with my little brother, he is pretty deep in the fog.  My parents divorced.  My mom died in 2004 and my dad walked by my little brother at the funeral, did not even recognize him.  He (my brother) does the usual narcissistic family talk, blah blah certain person is muckety muck.  I tell him, well yeah, that person is disordered and not well, trying to pass on that he can't base his self worth on a mentally unstable person.  Slow and steady.  My family was deep into the back stabbing talk, sort of like watching Hoarders.  How can you not watch this show and feel pretty good about yourself?  That's my family in a nutshell, devalue the goat of the week and feel purty darn good.  So not healthy!  We should base our acomplishments on our prior accomplishments.  Cleaned house!  Yay!  Ate healthy, yay!  When we start pulling in others to decipher our value, it can go wonky. 

[eyebrows]

thanks for your replies. i had a difficult morning of feeling angry about stuff and i only managed to get a couple of hours sleep when the sun came up so i do feel better. geekygirl its funny you talk about changing the subject to something mundane because i've been doing it for years, its surprisingly helpful too! i think a lot of people would be offended by someone just changing the subject while they're venting but i guess it's true, someone with BPD is like a big child... you really can distract them quite easily.

rose tiger, i believe getting into the habit of validating others helps you become more validating and compassionate towards yourself. and it becomes quite natural too, like it sort of feeds itself. its been very helpful

as for my brother, he knows as much as me about mum. for years he always defended her and blamed me for being a bad daughter... felt sorry for her, was angry that her life was bad because of dad etc. its quite amazing to hear him see the reality now and i think its because when i moved away he became the demon. just this morning i came to the realisation that her hatred/anger/blame has shifted from my dad to my brother. i think that constant berating and severe lack of support would drive anyone crazy... its hard to see him struggle with money and make bad decisions right now but there's a part of him that's had enough and wants better. he's left his wife (she was like a carbon copy of my mum... .  go figure) and is seeing a really nice girl. so he's definitely making changes, i think he just needs to face some stuff ie accept the fact mum won't change, and to let go of the anger. its a long process and i'm probably barely halfway through it, but once it starts you don't look back.

as for how i can help, i'll just do what i always have done and be a supportive sister. that's something he lacks in mum and its no wonder his life's a mess. he married his first girlfriend and mum was against the whole thing, constant criticism, couldn't see the situation objectively, as if it affected her personally. she ruined his wedding by crying all day and scowling in photos. now that he's worked up the courage to leave her and find a nice girl, she's against THAT! her opinion? he needs to stay with her, suck it up and "just ignore her" and get on with life, this new girl is no good for him and even thinks its a negative thing that he dresses nicely for her and bought a few shirts to wear on dates! all that criticism with absolutely no room for discussion about how he feels about it... you can see how people just snap! so i think just hammering into him that he needs to look after himself is something i can do. in a situation like this i can see it being positive to go no contact, or at least very little. its just hard because he's in the stage where he's angry and wants to lash out. its sad to see  

i'm going home today and i couldn't be happier, my flight is at 3 and i'm counting the hours!