I know that doing nothing is the best thing, but I am struggling.

[Depression = 72% of members]

Well,

I have already contacted all the people in my life to help me with this, but I am still feeling ... .  well... .  internally violent. 

Today, my exBPDw was late picking up her kids for her normal visitation.  (AGAIN).  I have primary custody. 

I did mess up when she texted me that she woke up late and i responded "worlds best mom".  That led to other things where she again said "you can text me if I am late".  I said "i am not your keeper and it is your job to manage yourself". 

Well, she got the kids.  My son has had a fever for 3 days.  She took him to her place, then to the park (it is 50 with a crazy windchill).  This is after i took my son to urgent care yesterday. 

Well, when she dropped them off.  Who came with for the first time ever?  The guy she was cheating with me on and left me for.  He was standing in my freaking drive way. 

He got out of the car and stared at me as I was getting my snowboard out of the attic of my garage.  My kids came out of the car and he stood there staring at me.  I said "whats up" and that is it, but I HAD AND STILL DO HAVE SUCH DEVIANT THOUGHTS". 

He stared at me for roughly 5 minutes straight.  I could seriously pound this dude.  However, I am the one with primary physical custody.  I am the one with the very good job. 

I know that I have too much to lose, but I am struggling.  I am freaking furious.  I know what she was trying to do. 

This week she tried to get "together" with one of my close friends.  NADA.  She called my mom for no freaking reason and got nothing out of it.  I called her the "worlds best mom" today. 

SoOO< she stepped up her game. 

I know that doing nothing is the best thing.  But i am struggling.  I can pound this dork soo easily, but I have too much to lose.  And really it isnt about him. 

SOMETIMES in my mind a girl does need a good ass whoopin.  It sucks that it cant happen. 

HELP

I just need the continuous validation that I did the right thing by not engaging at all. 


OHHHH.  Since i did nothing when he was here.  She texted me 3 minutes after the left about useless information.  I did not respond. 

ARGHHHH

[wowjer]

Well,

I have already contacted all the people in my life to help me with this, but I am still feeling ... .  well... .  internally violent. 

Today, my exBPDw was late picking up her kids for her normal visitation.  (AGAIN).  I have primary custody. 

I did mess up when she texted me that she woke up late and i responded "worlds best mom".  That led to other things where she again said "you can text me if I am late".  I said "i am not your keeper and it is your job to manage yourself". 

Well, she got the kids.  My son has had a fever for 3 days.  She took him to her place, then to the park (it is 50 with a crazy windchill).  This is after i took my son to urgent care yesterday. 

Well, when she dropped them off.  Who came with for the first time ever?  The guy she was cheating with me on and left me for.  He was standing in my freaking drive way. 

He got out of the car and stared at me as I was getting my snowboard out of the attic of my garage.  My kids came out of the car and he stood there staring at me.  I said "whats up" and that is it, but I HAD AND STILL DO HAVE SUCH DEVIANT THOUGHTS". 

He stared at me for roughly 5 minutes straight.  I could seriously pound this dude.  However, I am the one with primary physical custody.  I am the one with the very good job. 

I know that I have too much to lose, but I am struggling.  I am freaking furious.  I know what she was trying to do. 

This week she tried to get "together" with one of my close friends.  NADA.  She called my mom for no freaking reason and got nothing out of it.  I called her the "worlds best mom" today. 

SoOO< she stepped up her game. 

I know that doing nothing is the best thing.  But i am struggling.  I can pound this dork soo easily, but I have too much to lose.  And really it isnt about him. 

SOMETIMES in my mind a girl does need a good ass whoopin.  It sucks that it cant happen. 

HELP

I just need the continuous validation that I did the right thing by not engaging at all. 


OHHHH.  Since i did nothing when he was here.  She texted me 3 minutes after the left about useless information.  I did not respond. 

ARGHHHH

[Elsegundo]

Good job not acting on your impulse.  If you had, you'd put your custody in jeopardy, and possibly your work, and probably lost trust from your kids.  Think about how such actions WILL be known by them, and how that will LIKELY effect your kids feelings of safety with YOU. 

Are you seeing a therapist? 

Any chance you can also find a healthier outlet for this energy?

[wowjer]

Unfortunately, both my kids are sick right now. 

I see a therapist, but not scheduled for another 2 weeks till my next session because I have been doing well. 

This is something ... .  imagine this... .  unexpected.  BLAH. 

My outlets right now are taking care of my kids.  I will be fine, but holy christmas somebody needs a freaking beat down. 

Tomorrow is a holiday and my two sick kids go with her as her nights are monday and tuesday. 

She is worthless overall.  I am a freaking retard.  I had two kids with such a POS. 

[GreenMango]

Good job doing nothing and controlling those impulses.  Kids first.  And document her actions thoroughly for record.

What I do now now when crazymaking happens is tell myself over and over in my head this is the poor copings skills.

Read up on extinction bursts from the workshop board.  It sounds like one.

[ambi]

I just need the continuous validation that I did the right thing by not engaging at all.

 

wowjer - this was an incredible challenge.  I can't even imagine what it felt like to have him standing there staring at you.  I think if I were in your shoes, I'd have wanted to pound the tar out of both of them.  Great job for not doing that, for acting like a rational adult in the face of some serious baiting.  Your children did not need to witness a scene like that and would have been devastated had they had to witness daddy being cuffed and led away. 

You so did the right thing, wowjer.  Your kids needed that stability from you and for you to keep on being quintessential dad - the one they can count on no matter what.  You just showed them that they can come to you with the tough stuff in life and you won't overreact. 

[FoolishOne]

You rock Wowjer... .  restraint shows more strength than open aggression.  Being a man, I know how difficult that must have been.  Kudos to you man.

F1

[myself]

Wowjer, wow, great to read you stepped back. Focusing on helping your kids feel better would be a great way for you to channel this energy. This in turn will help you, too.

Makes me wonder if the 'other guy' was staring at you like that, trying to figure out how you lived through it with her for so long. Looking at you as if you were living proof of Possible Freedom. (You're not exactly 'free' of her, but, in his eyes, could be true.)

You ABSOLUTELY did the right thing walking away from that confrontation!

[spaceace]

Keep your head screwed on tightly. I have custody of my kids as well. And 8 years of an ex trying everything and anything she could, to "trip me up" and get the kids. So no matter how stressed you are, this is her game. Let her play. DO NOT ENGAGE! YOU WILL LOSE CUSTODY... KEEP REPEATING THAT TO YOURSELF! YOU WILL LOSE CUSTODY!''

You're kids need you... .  don't play the game, don't even try. It is NEVER worth it!

Stay strong brother.

[wowjer]

I thank you all.  Really, i received help from family, but for some reason ya'll put the icing on the cake. 

I must say i did text her.  I ripped her a new one for her lack of care of the kids and their sicknesses. 

In addition I did text her that "I know you have been yearning for this one.  I allow you on my property, nobody else.  In addition if HE wants to ever key my car, tell him the passenger side of the GIT does not have an FU scratching in it.  LOL"

Some history when she did this 6 years ago, i had a brand new GTI.  well, she left for a guy just like this time, signed away the kids.  We recycled a few months later, however; she showed him wear i lived.  Well, she came to my house, we had sex, the next morning i had a big old FU keyed into the drivers side door in my car. 

So now I laugh. 

Thank you again

[TheRealSully]

Wow, that is some excellent restraint!  Good job. 

I had some anger the other day.  I was thinking a good old fashioned punching bag would be great for it. 

Maybe one of those hanging somewhere?  Just beat the hell out of it from time to time?

[BlushAndBashful]

Wowjer- EXCELLENT job on not beating this guy to a bloody pulp.

I think there's a lot of talk about what we are "supposed" to feel, and we are not supposed to be jealous/angry/bitter, etc. The truth is, we do. The good part is, we can control our reactions.

Even my T said "it's okay to want to strangle him. It's not okay to actually do it. That's why you come here, to keep yourself from doing that."

If it makes you feel any better, I haven't seen my ex in 6 months, haven't seen the other woman in a couple of years. And yet I know if I ran into either one of them tomorrow, it would be extremely tempting for me to go all "crazy ex wife" all over them.

[GreenMango]

Like mauser mentioned its what we do.  Reacting instead or responding.

Eventually the feelings catch up.

Good that you can laugh at the old memories.  Maybe a good next step is to work on removing the emotion from the texts... .  just business.

[Vinnie]

I'm not an attorney but I think staring at somebody for 5 minutes could legally constitute a threat of harm rising to the level of assault. You don't have to have battery actually take place for assault to have occurred, depending on the state.

You don't know what terrible things she has said about you, and he may be feeling justified in threatening you or worse, actually "teaching" you a lesson for the good of society.

You might let him know that civil or criminal assault charges could be in order if he repeats the behavior.

[wowjer]

well, 

she responded to my last text. 

she stated that "she would want to get to know the person that my kids like". 

So we are supposed to be friends?  I am not even friends with her? 

I said this a long time ago.  She has a family structure that is quite similiar.  However, she really is thinking that her and her bf will hang with me and my future gf at my kids bday parties.  However, I remember my kids bday parties when she would invite her families.  There was constant tension and she thrived off it. 

This whole thing is effed. 

I am on this board because I am STILL ENMESHED.  I have little problem detaching with the thought of ever being together with her again.  However, WOW... .  WOW... .  HOLY EFFING WOW. 

All I can do is laugh. 

I always thought there was a fine line from her getting it and not getting it.  Over time, i still convinced myself that she really is on the brink of somehow understanding.  But, that was me convincing myself and her detaching and going through the motions.  My relationship lasted so long because I had a strong sense of boundaries.  The reasons I always ended back with her is because it is so crazy in a controlled way that it was easier to deal with her in the house versus issues like this out of the house. 

WOW

I hope i can sleep tonight. 

I dont have enough breadcrumbs to leave a trail to get out of this crazy btchs mind.  How do i get out and stay out?  I guess it will happen as time continues. 

Freud was crazy. 

[wowjer]

And my last post made little sense at times. 

Guess I am a little off as well. 

Till tomorrow... .  when i have to see her as she picks up my kids. 

To all that are out and dont have kids.  PAT YOURSELF ON THE FRIGGIN BACK. 

[GreenMango]

The kids are there ... .  what's done is done.  The kids are innocent bystanders in her emotional trainwreck.

This last round of extinction bursts would wear me down too... .  take good care of you.  

HALT - Hungry, angry, lonely, tired  it's a good to identify when we are like this.  Get some rest, tomorrow is a new day.

At the end of all this, is your children... .  you are the most important thread of normal they will have in their lives.  Taking care of yourself will help to make sure they get that normal love, support and stability.

It will get easier wowjer, but it's going to take some moves on your part to create a little more emotional distance from her.  :)o you have a few ideas (healthy   that could be steps in doing this?  How's your support system right now?  Friends, Family, Personal time, and therapy?

[Vinnie]

Wow Wowjer, I am experiencing a lot of the same things. She alternates from accusing me of hiding assets, to hugging me and not wanting to let go, to bitterly imagining I am thinking about having a new relationship someday (when she has started to introduce her new boyfriend to the family and we haven't even filed divorce papers.)  And like you - I'm still enmeshed.  It's impossible NOT to think of her as my wife and someone I need to take care of.

[BlushAndBashful]

she stated that "she would want to get to know the person that my kids like". 

And I want a pony. Sucks to be her.

However, she really is thinking that her and her bf will hang with me and my future gf at my kids bday parties. 

I would rather eat maggots than be in that situation, BPD or no BPD. My ex and I have separate birthday parties for our children. There's no way I would even entertain the thought of sharing an event.

However, more importantly, what do YOU want and expect?

[wowjer]

what do i want and expect?

what I want is to have the separate lives that she wanted.  She did not want to be with me.  As she tells my 4 year old son, "she wanted to love somebody else".  I dont want anything to do with her at all! I want her to leave me, my friends, my property, my  alone.  I told her when she said she wanted to leave because she "couldnt imagine being with one person the rest of her life", that I hoped she finds what she is looking for.  However,  leave me the F alone.  Holy do i dream of NC.  I LOVE the days when i do not see and hear from her.  I LOVE the freedom.  However, i know it is because i am still ENMESHED, i still struggle. 

Ya know.  I just thought about it.  I dont know why i type this.  However, I SAY F IT! I am tired of this crap. This POS is not controlling my life anymore including my emotions.  I am in charge.  I am not talking power and control.  I am talking about ME.  WHAT DO I WANT?  I am not going to run and hide anymore.  This is absurd. 

I am done with this crap.   I am done being embarrassed for my choices.  She sucks... and that is the bottom line.  Diagnosed or not.  I work in the mental health field.  I dont care about Axis I or Axis II anymore.  Overall, she sucks at life. 

I have to state this.  She has been so much about herself, she still doesnt know the day and month of my birth.  I thought it was funny at first *dumb blonde* stuff.   However, RED FLAG number 1 and it is probably the biggest metaphor for this whole thing. 

Im done

Peace in the Middle East.