FOO Disappontment/Cancelled plans/ broken promises

[gina louise]

The more I reflect and write... .  the more I am aware that my conflicts and triggers in my r/s had very much to do with my FOO resentments and disappointments.

In particular my sense of damage at having plans/events cancelled with no notice and no reason triggered me strongly. I was typically extremely HURT by my HUSBAND cancelling a dinner, an event or even an errand that I had looked forward to. And he did this quite a bit due to his own dysfunction. I always reacted strongly. Either I would object and argue, let my disappointment show... .  or I would deny that it bothered me at all and become passive aggressive.

Just today I realized that my sense of rejection and disappointment was often out of proportion to the real event. (with my H)

I never SAW that. At the time.

The broken promise reactions I had were intense compared to the actual event .

AND they arose as a reaction to what I recalled my parents doing-Negating my wants, cancelling or denying my "fun" and telling me that I had to bury my needs or wants for another family member's sake. Usually my sister and later her child. I was promised things... .  trips/ gifts... if I produced good grades and graduated high school. I worked very hard and did both and got nothing! No trip, no horse, no driving lessons. I had to cancel my plans to babysit my sister's kid and Help my Mom out.(my sister was not raising her child, or even living with us- long story) because my sister by that time had two abortions and a baby.

So I had to forfeit. Often. AND I could never show my resentment or anger. Anger as NOT allowed. EVER.

So I buried it. All those years. Buried it.

NOW... .  I get it. as an adult I can rationalize. I can see that a baby to help raise was more important than a horse for a kid that loved horses. Promised or not. Or a trip to Australia. Or whatever else they used as an incentive.

But my FOO "fact" was that I felt strongly that I got shafted when I depended on my parents to come through and make good on their long held promises that I really cherished and worked towards.

So as an adult in an unhealthy r/s I felt equally "shafted" when  plans were rejected by my husband,  often with no reason. Just because he "felt" like it.

With my husband,  as an adult, I "UN- Buried" my resentment and disappointment when that pain was triggered.

Whoa... .  



GL

[MaybeSo]

Similar experience, here, too. My father left us for another woman around age 4-5. He became the weekend dad, but routinely he would wet our appetites about him coming to pick us up and take us on some fabulous adventure, a hike, fishing, a train ride... .  but then just not show up. The event was secondary, we were so in love with our dad, he was like a rock star to us, we worshiped the ground he walked on. I have vivid memories of waiting for hours for him to show up or call. It was torture, the worry and disappointment was excruciating. It was my first experience with feeling Mind F&&&ed.  This was a huge trigger with my ex. Not knowing where he was, and his unpredictable behavior sent me right back to age five. I had to really get in touch with being an adult and not letting a 5 year olds trauma run the show.

[gina louise]

MaybeSo, thank you.

I can also see how I, as an adult in a really dysfunctional r/s, made excuses and minimized my H's abusive, controlling and/or confusing behaviors-just as my Mom had done decades before continually excusing my NPD Dad's mistreatment of us kids.

He's tired, he's stressed, he "didn't really MEAN it" (classic!) he's busy, that's "just the way he is... .  you KNOW your Father... .  "

I heard the tone of pained disappointment in my Mom's voice, but I couldn't help feeling she was wrong.

It took me a long time to realize that other kids families were radically different than mine-and in a good way. Supportive and encouraging rather than dismissive and controlling. I felt like Jack in Nightmare Before Christmas! "WHAT"S This? What's THIS? It was an alien landscape to me. You mean your Mom helped YOU with homework rather than voicing her disgust and irritation? Incredible!

And I was indignant when a co-worker pointed out that I defended my HUSBAND MORE than I defended my own needs! How dare she tell me the truth and help me face it?  that was a huge wake up call for me. it still took me a year after that to fully admit she was right.

GL

[OTH]

Yeah. I left(escaped) my FOO to join the military. Controlling mother possible uBPD dad. Younger sister with bipolar disorder. My family life was a bit nuts. I only just accepted any of this had a major impact on me. It seems almost crazy now. Had a hard time moving back near my mother. I thought we were doing great but the distance clearly helped our r/s. On moving back I asked a favor of her. Something important to me. She totally ignored my wishes and did what she thought was best. I was really struck by it. This is how I grew up though. My mother always doing what she thought was best for me. The crazy thing is she is totally selfless towards helping others. Worked in senior services and taught inner city kids with learning disabilities. I grew up around her and the kids she taught. She was great with the kids. Very accepting and validating. She is still loved by them and often contacted. I saw this and understood it growing up and even wondered why I was treated differently. For me nothing I did was ever good enough and I grew up trying to be perfect. I realize my mother was raised in strict catholic schools and even though she wound up hating them it is exactly how she raised me. I am trying to figure out how to smooth things out between us again. My mother wants to but wants me to do the smoothing over. I love ya mom but you tire me out. 

I've kinda been stuck here for awhile. Hard to let go of this stuff.

And I was indignant when a co-worker pointed out that I defended my H MORE than I defended my own needs! How dare she tell me the truth and help me face it?  that was a huge wake up call for me. it still took me a year after that to fully admit she was right.

GL

[Elsegundo]

Wow, oth, your FOO experience sounds a lot like mine!  I left my house at 17 bc I couldn't take it (in addition to a dad that wasn't do much around, like GLs, my mom married a physically and emotionally abusive man who one family therapist at that time said was BPD.  He never sought treatment.). I went to therapy, put myself through college, and figured my best "revenge" was a healthy successful life.

Incidentally one thing I loved about my dBPDex is that she seemed solid (employed, owned apt., had good friends) and a loving, healthy family nearby.

Healing from this current r/s, I have reopened old wounds, which I believe led me to lots of rebuilding to do.  I'm also having a hard time talking to my FOO right now as a result of this coupled w a recent sitch like the mom that committed to help but instead decided what should be wanted and did that.  It feel like I'm taking care if me by not so much engaging w them, though I feel guilty too.  Somehow choosing not to be there for them despite their constant letdowns in making me feel bad!  Choosing me first anyway, and working through it.

Sorry to see others having FOO impact, but liking the opening of this topic as a thread.  Seeing these things discussed may lead to more aha! Moments.

[struggli]

I recall the broken promises/plans/etc of my childhood too.

Feeling like I couldn't depend on anyone.  I developed a sort of learned hopelessness, I think, that people just couldn't be counted on.  I have grown to find people less and less dependable over the years.  Maybe it's not true, but seems to be to me.

And, of course, exgf was a huge trigger of all that.  She'd crash one plan after another and I'd try to be 100% dependable and reliable since I didn't like when people weren't with me.  I never wanted her to feel like I wasn't there for her.

I also remember my mom always telling me "maybe tomorrow" when I wanted things, things she thought I didn't need.  Like a toy or a teddy bear.  What's the right way to handle this as a parent?  I mean, I can understand that she couldn't always let me have my way.  But I'd keep hanging onto hope, thinking maybe there was a chance later, when really she meant "no" and hoped I'd forget, but I didn't.

[mamachelle]

I've been dealing with the Cancelled plans/broken promises reaction issue today. Interesting to read others explorations into this territory... .  

My SIL cancelled on picking up my SS 8 and 10 after school. I have 6 kids. 3 step and 3 bio. SS mom is BPD and lives across the country now in California. I rely on my SIL who is stable, a stay at home mom but social worker by trade, and has only 1 DD who is 10 also and nearly perfect. She picks up once a week and takes the kids for dinner and my H their bioDad picks them up.

She cancelled because a plumber was coming to fix her leaky faucet. She lives close, would have to pick up her DD anyway at some point. I find myself raving to my coworkers about how she was never a single mother and how crazy it is she can't do this little thing that means so much and blah blah blah... .  

I find myself so angry with her today and now I am wondering if it is not also somehow rooted in my FOO. Maybe I resent my SIL not just for the cancelling and how it impacts me and my SS, but also because she seems to be living in some diorama of the 50's and wants this perfect insulated life. A life I never had.

Ok, I'm digressing but I do find my reaction to be out of proportion.

[gina louise]

mamachelle

that's perfectly normal to have a resentment for not having that perfect 50's June Cleaver life. None of us do!

The trick is not to wallow in it. You've uncovered it... now see why you feel that way.

Your SIL may feel just as triggered having a plumber mess up her perfectly timed day, too.

Just tell your self using a little REBT... .  that while you PREFER that your SIL didn't cancel on you, it's not the end of the world, she has the right to have things happen unexpectedly-and while you don't like it - you CAN cope.



save the FOO stuff for a journal entry later on. Sometimes just noticing a trigger helps dull the effect.

GL

[MaybeSo]

Feeling like I couldn't depend on anyone.  I developed a sort of learned hopelessness, I think, that people just couldn't be counted on.  I have grown to find people less and less dependable over the years.  Maybe it's not true, but seems to be to me.

Interesting. I developed a belief that some special people were worth 'showing up for'... .  and some aren't. My dad's new lover was worth showing up for, he always left us to show up for her... .  she was special, magical, powerful.  I wasn't.  I was not special.  Only special people are worth 'showing up for'.  But, I'll be a good sport and be grateful for any time I can get wtih my father. I saw him and his life as 'special' and I worked hard to not hassel him ever about not showing up, or being late, or choosing another woman over his own family, I never complained. ... .  then, I learned over time the only way to be kind of special was to be his little buddy and his little confidant so that not only could he keep me waiting, but when he did finally show up... .  I'd actually be his 'little therapist' and listen intently and like a little grown up about what was going on for him in his busy grown up life of work and women.   This isn't a very healthy way to learn about 'relationships' and authentic, age-approprate relating.   I was taking care of him.  I was terrified that if I didn't, he'd visit even less and I'd might never see him (kind of the cosntant underlying threat of total abandonment). So I worked very hard to be a good sport and a little adult and to meet HIS needs.  This gets into the territory of being parentified... .  and sacraficing the development of an authentic self for a false self.