Feeling discouraged, sad, angry...

[thespacebetween]

I am glad I found this support board. I am a 37 yr old woman with 3 kids of my own and my mom lives downstairs from us. We have a very dysfunctional relationship, previously co-dependent.

After the failure of my own marriage ( working on it) , and entering therapy , it all started to come flooding out of me. All the years of abuse, and horrible treatment, and I am glad to say I am working my way to figuring out who I am and maybe someday loving myself.

I am angry at my mom. And I am also so afraid of confrontation, I let my anger build to hate. The issues I am faced with now is her treatment of my kids more then me. They basically worship her, and then she will turn into a cruel , antagonizing witch and I cannot find the strength to stick up for them and it basically slays me b/c they are my world, and I will NOT let her hurt them like me.

She is a miserable anti social narcissist who is embarrassing and rude and just evil at times.

She sees me as a lazy, ungrateful woman, when really I just avoid her at all costs ( hide in other rooms when she is around etc).  

I don't know what I need, but I think it is support from those who 'get' it.

I have a wonderful therapist who I wish I could financially see more often b/c she has really helped me understand and come to terms with a lot.

As a child, I was severely neglected. My mother was single, she left me as an 8 yr old with my 88 yr old great grandmother while she did drugs, ran the streets partying, and slept all day, lost jobs and neglected everything around her. We lived in a pig sty house filled with grime and flea infested from the 18+ cats we had in and out all the time. She did not even buy me my own bed till I was 13 years old and tired of sleeping in HER bed.   She did laundry maybe once every few weeks and since I wet the bed till I was almost 12, she would send me to school with either no underclothes, or underwear that had been urinated in or smelled of the urine soaked clothes they had been lying with.  She didn't care if I went to school or not, although when I was called "gifted" she made sure she bragged to everyone as if she had some doing in it... .  yet never got me into any of the special programs the schools encouraged her to put me in.  She never taught me life skills, never told me college was an option, and I barely functioned ... .  I picked up cues as to how to live by lying, pretending, and faking it. Just looking for attention and love.

Now? I am bitter. I am angry . I am a 38 yr old child. : ( I could have been so much more.

Is there a light at the end of the tunnel? Can someone tell me if I will ever feel whole and happy in my own skin, and like I matter? I have no-one ( She only had me, my father's a dead beat, all other relatives are dead except for her sister)

Can I learn to be strong enough to survive?

Thanks for reading this mess of a post!  

[doubleAries]

hello spacebetween, and 

You have come to the right place. Your story sounds a lot like mine. A LOT. My mom is a sadist with borderline features. It truly sucked growing up with her.

Is there light at the end of the tunnel? Of course there is. Just takes a little time and practise to reach it. We have lots of great resources here to help (when you log on, click on "resources and downloads" and "articles" here's a helpful one here How a Mother with Borderline Personality Disorder Affects Her Children

I also am tired of the anger and hate I feel for my mom. It's absolutely ripping, isn't it? On the one hand it feels so justified, on the other hand, it's ugly and exhausting and draining. How to Forgive an Abusive Parent

I'm glad you are in counseling... .  so am I and it it has helped so much! The resources and friends I've found here on BPD Family have also been a huge, huge help.

Does your mom live in your house? Or is it an apartment? Her house?

doubleAries

[thespacebetween]

Hello and thanks for the reply.  I sometimes feel so bad being so angry and filled with hate towards her, because she honestly does not know how she is, she is in her own world and its just crazy to think how she cannot see past herself.

We rent a house together, she lives in an apt downstairs, we have a door we can lock to "keep her out" . And my husband often insists she does.

I feel once we are able to change the living arrangements, I will need a LOT more space , less contact and I worry about my kids who just love her so much, and yet seem to be more and more confused by her actions.  She will play with them and they love it, and then on a dime, she is DONE. They cannot understand that behavior.

[eyebrows]

how old are your children? i think they will be ok without her eventually if they have you. they might miss her but i'm sure it'd be better to take them away from someone who meets their needs inconsistently.

it sounds like you're on the right path seeing a therapist, even if its only sometimes. if you can see the positive influence she's having on you i think that's a good indicator you're starting to let some love in and believe you're worth being treated properly. keep that up and remember it every time you doubt it. you didn't choose your mother and its unfortunate you didn't get the love every child deserves but like everyone else you did deserve it and still do!  your children will be lucky to have a mother that knows this

[thespacebetween]

how old are your children? i think they will be ok without her eventually if they have you. they might miss her but i'm sure it'd be better to take them away from someone who meets their needs inconsistently.

it sounds like you're on the right path seeing a therapist, even if its only sometimes. if you can see the positive influence she's having on you i think that's a good indicator you're starting to let some love in and believe you're worth being treated properly. keep that up and remember it every time you doubt it. you didn't choose your mother and its unfortunate you didn't get the love every child deserves but like everyone else you did deserve it and still do!  your children will be lucky to have a mother that knows this

they are 5 AND 3

I just get so sad even thinking about it, as they really worship her, which is sad to me. I am honestly hoping once I finish school ( college grad school) , I can move out of state with the family and force the seperation.  But ugh to think of them and their love for her and not seeing her feels mean to me, yet so do her actions towards them and ME.

[UpwardAndOnward]

I dont know what I need, but I think it is support from those who 'get' it.

Its funny because I just wrote an email to my brother telling him about this site. Before I found it, my brothers were the only ones who 'got' it... .  I just wrote to him using that exact line- saying people here just 'get' it.

Im so sorry to hear of that horrendous upbringing. the one thing i always tell myself- is my mom did a great job of teaching me how NOT to be. having her in your basement seems like a nightmare  :'( i think you need to educate your children about your mother. I think even now just explain as best you can or find a book on how to describe it to a child... .  try to let them know early on that her behavior is not personal. I get very protective over my step children with her so i cant imagine if I had children of my own.

I get very angry thinking of the things she did when I was growing up too... .  and now looking back as an adult it makes me more angry- because at the time I didnt really realize how unusual the behavior was. I hope that you find what your looking for here, and definitely use the approaches on here to deal with her and also protect/educate your babies.

[Satori]

Sorry if I'm a little late to this thread, but I want to say that my heart goes out to you. What a dreadful situation. My mother is living with me now, and although she isn't/wasn't nearly as bad as yours, I have had my eyes opened to some of her emotionally abusive qualities by seeing the way she is with my daughter.

Would it be possible for you to change your living situation sooner rather than later? Even if you can't, the time to sit down with your husband and work out some boundaries is now. Even if you live in the same building with her, since the apartments are separate you still do have the possibility of limiting contact between her and your children and coming up with some rules to limit the damage she is doing.

I think you should let go of the guilt you feel and let yourself hate her. Tell yourself you just need to feel this way for now and that you don't have to feel it forever, it's just a stage you need to go through. I think when we feel guilty for anger and hatred we actually get stuck in those bad feelings, because then we get angry about feeling guilty and feel more hatred toward the person "making" us feel guilty, and so on. Eventually you'll work through it and be able to regard her with compassion and detachment, but only if you accept your own feelings first, feelings that you have a perfect right to.

I strongly suggest you find a local 12 step group and start attending meetings. Al-Anon, Adult Children of Dysfunctional Parents, etc.

[GeekyGirl]

Hi thespacebetween,

I can imagine how stressful it is having your mother so close by, and I'm glad to hear that you've been working on yourself with a good therapist. It's understandable that you're going through a range of emotions, including sadness and anger as you remember what you've been through and come to terms with your mother's disorder.

I agree with Satori that you should really allow yourself to feel what you're feeling without judgement and work on building a healthy life for yourself and your kids.

It sounds like your kids are quite fond of your mother. How does she treat them in general? If I understand correctly, she's kind and loving to them to a point, but then can change moods very quickly. Have you tried setting some boundaries with her that would allow them to see her, but under your terms (i.e. when she behaves a certain way or only under supervision)?

You'll find that many of us here can relate to you. Please keep us posted on how you and the children are doing. 

[thespacebetween]

How does she treat them in general? If I understand correctly, she's kind and loving to them to a point, but then can change moods very quickly. Have you tried setting some boundaries with her that would allow them to see her, but under your terms (

Thank you all for your kind words and support.

As far as the kids, she is generally caring, she is a bit "much" with them, she worries they are too cold, too hot, too messy, going to choke when they are eating, going to fall down the stairs when walking etc.  She seems to have generalized anxiety as well as her BPD.  So we have almost successfully told her at times when her reality is different from ours ( thinking the kids will choke) she needs to leave, she will storm away slamming doors along the way but does leave.  It is upsetting to the kids b/c they witness an adult acting like a child and they also feel her fears. ( I am filled with my own anxiety from yrs of this.) ... .  My son ( 5) has an anxiety disorder himself already ( no doubt in part to my own issues, I am trying HARD to fix in order to not pass on any further to him), and I do not need her inflicting anymore fears onto him. Thatis the area we really set boundaries .

The rest is hard.  She generally enjoys playing with them, cooking with them etc and then one second she realizes she is DONE, they have met her needs and shes over it, and then she starts to get nasty and holds them responsible for it. She wants the fun over and they don't.  Those times come on so fast it is hard to predict. And often the damage is done before we know it. We will hear one of them crying and know we need to get them away from her b/c she is acting mean or cruel. 

My biggest issue is my lack of confrontation skills. my general coping mechanism is to just avoid, avoid  instead of engage in any way , so to try to talk to her is so hard. She thinks her behavior at all times is 100% normal and she says we are 'picking on her' and she always ... .  ALWAYS ... .  flips out as a result of anything she feels is criticism.

I guess I need to learn some ways to set boundaries it looks like.

[GeekyGirl]

I can understand why you'd feel like you need to protect your kids--sometimes I feel like I have to be "mama bear" and protect my young son too. It sounds like your kids genuinely like being around your mother and want her affection, but it must be incredibly hurtful for you to see them cry when your mother's behavior changes.

Could you compromise by setting up some short visits with her with a defined and non-negotible start and end time? That way you wouldn't have to cut off the visits altogether, since it seems like you want your kids to have a relationship with her.

My biggest issue is my lack of confrontation skills. my general coping mechanism is to just avoid, avoid  instead of engage in any way , so to try to talk to her is so hard. She thinks her behavior at all times is 100% normal and she says we are 'picking on her' and she always ... .  ALWAYS ... .  flips out as a result of anything she feels is criticism.

Have you had a chance to read up on SET yet? That's a good tool to use to communicate when you don't want to engage.

[thespacebetween]

I can understand why you'd feel like you need to protect your kids--sometimes I feel like I have to be "mama bear" and protect my young son too. It sounds like your kids genuinely like being around your mother and want her affection, but it must be incredibly hurtful for you to see them cry when your mother's behavior changes.

Could you compromise by setting up some short visits with her with a defined and non-negotible start and end time? That way you wouldn't have to cut off the visits altogether, since it seems like you want your kids to have a relationship with her.

My biggest issue is my lack of confrontation skills. my general coping mechanism is to just avoid, avoid  instead of engage in any way , so to try to talk to her is so hard. She thinks her behavior at all times is 100% normal and she says we are 'picking on her' and she always ... .  ALWAYS ... .  flips out as a result of anything she feels is criticism.

Have you had a chance to read up on SET yet? That's a good tool to use to communicate when you don't want to engage.

NO? What is SET?  I would like to learn more.

Well she lives downstairs in the same house, and my kids pretty much go up and down as they like (within limits) so it is difficult at best, we try to keep them up here, and I am trying harder and harder as of late

[Satori]

It occurs to me that setting boundaries with your kids might help your mother be less volatile. If she had set visiting times maybe she would be less likely to suddenly shut off. I don't know, maybe that's too much of a "normal" response ... .  But it might help. My mother was much nicer to my daughter when we had set visits every week; now that she has the stress of dealing with a small child every day at any time, she snaps at her a lot.

You need to keep that door at the top of the stairs locked. If necessary, change the lock and install a chain way at the top of the door where your children can't reach it.

[Bama]

My mom has no boundaries either! It is her agenda, all the time. Very little consideration to the needs of anyone but herself. And it sounds like your mom, too. She uses you and your family to meet her needs. My mother would act very similar, in the sense that once things got too comfortable (or shall I say "normal" she would push me away. And the hardest part was how unpredictable it was! My sister and I would joke about Hurricane Mom. There are no scientific systems that can predict when and where the storm will hit!

I also struggle with setting boundaries with her and my kids. Granted, she's 5 states away from us, but I am ALWAYS on guard. For example, last year she sent a valentines day package for the family and didn't include anything for my 3 year old daughter. But 2 weeks previous she sent my girl a pair of boots. So I know, in her mind, everyone got a gift. But explain to a 3 year old why a package arrived with something for everyone but her. My therapist pretty much said she should never have unsupervised time with my kids. Because I need to know and see everything that goes on, so I can intervene and do damage control. Sad. But necessary to protect my kids.

I have found the book "Understanding the Borderline Mother" by C.A. Lawson INCREDIBLY helpful. It describes some dieffenbachia BPD personas as well as ways for dealing with them.

sorry this was so long! Hope it helps.

[Bama]

*different BPD personas. Stupid autocorrect! 

[GeekyGirl]

NO? What is SET?  I would like to learn more.

Well she lives downstairs in the same house, and my kids pretty much go up and down as they like (within limits) so it is difficult at best, we try to keep them up here, and I am trying harder and harder as of late

SET is Support, Empathy, Truth. It's a communication tool that can help reduce conflict. The idea behind it is that you're validating the other person's feelings without compromising the message you want to deliver. This is a good intro to SET: TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth.

I like Satori's suggestion that you lock the door between her home and yours, too. It's another boundary that you can set to limit the time  your kids spend with your mother. How would your mother react if you were to install a new lock?