Reflections After 80 Days NC

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hello bpdfamily! I haven’t posted in awhile. The last time I posted, I told everyone I needed a break from the board as I felt I was becoming too consumed in learning about BPD. The truth is, I’ve still done a lot of reading, just not as much. Just thought I’d give all of you an update on my progress.

I’m about two and half months out from NC. I feel I am SO much further along than when I last posted after Thanksgiving. A hidden blessing for me from this whole ordeal is that I have rediscovered many things that have helped me recover:

1)   My faith life. Many people turn to religion when their world is rocked. I did that and I can say for me, it has helped. Prayer has been powerful for me. I truly believe God (and for me as a Catholic, the Blessed Mother), have helped me tremendously get through the pain.

2)   Working out and eating healthy. I’ve gotten back into a routine of getting up early before I go to work and getting a workout in. Physically, I feel so much better. If you are trying to get out of a “BPD Breakup Funk” go workout. And don’t make excuses for it. You can thank me later

3)   Being more social. I’ve made a concerted effort to put myself into new groups of people to meet others. While trying to snap out of the “funk” I was in after our breakup, I sulked for quite a while at my apartment. Nothing good comes from sitting by yourself when you are feeling lonely and missing someone. I found that I gained “life” and “energy” by just being around people. I’ve met some cool people too!

4)   Spending more time with my family. I’m so lucky to have family near where I live. If you also are this fortunate, hang out with them. Again, this goes back to the idea of not being alone and by yourself. I’ve made weekend trips to visit my brother and his wife, as well as trips to see my parents. I’ve learned it’s OK to lean on family during tough times. They are a gift we have been given!

Those are just a few things I’ve learned since going NC.

In my last posting, I said that I was certain that my ex would try to reconnect with me. I still believe that to be true. Although she has not tried to directly get in touch with me since a week after I went NC with her, there certainly have been some odd things that have occurred since then.  The oddest occurred when I came home from a meeting one night to my place, stepped out of my car and looked up to see a car that looked just like hers speed off to the backside of a building where there is no reason for cars to go. I’m fairly certain it was her. I’ve also received a couple of text messages from random numbers which just say “hey” or “What’s up?”. The phone numbers are from my area, but they are not numbers I’m familiar with. I responded to the first text and asked who it was and received no reply. I didn’t respond to the second one. Are the texts from her? Maybe…maybe not. It’s funny how without an exBPD, you wouldn’t think much of a car speeding off or random, odd texts.

But no contact directly from her. I don’t think she’s desperate enough yet to try and contact me. But if she does, I have a plan. My plan is NC. No response at all. If she shows up at my door I tell her we have nothing to talk about and close the door. If she sends me a text or email, I’m not responding. As time and NC have gone on, I find myself seeing her for what she is…a very confused person. For me and my sanity, it is simply best if I do not respond at all.

I feel sorry for her. I pray for her daily. I really hope she is OK. The last time I saw my T, I described to her how awful my ex’s 2012 was. In my T’s words, “You know what the sad thing is? 2013 probably won’t be much different.”

But going back to my original point, I really feel like I’m getting better. I’ve read on here a couple of times that “the best revenge is living well.” I’m beginning to see a lot of truth to that. I’m using the time right now to “fix” things with me that led me to this relationship and get myself better so that not only can I be a more “whole” person, but choose better in future relationships.

There are blessings in all of this mess! Some days are just better than others. Keep pushing, striving and stay strong!(And pray that I do too)

[asher2]

Hello bpdfamily! I haven’t posted in awhile. The last time I posted, I told everyone I needed a break from the board as I felt I was becoming too consumed in learning about BPD. The truth is, I’ve still done a lot of reading, just not as much. Just thought I’d give all of you an update on my progress.

I’m about two and half months out from NC. I feel I am SO much further along than when I last posted after Thanksgiving. A hidden blessing for me from this whole ordeal is that I have rediscovered many things that have helped me recover:

1)   My faith life. Many people turn to religion when their world is rocked. I did that and I can say for me, it has helped. Prayer has been powerful for me. I truly believe God (and for me as a Catholic, the Blessed Mother), have helped me tremendously get through the pain.

2)   Working out and eating healthy. I’ve gotten back into a routine of getting up early before I go to work and getting a workout in. Physically, I feel so much better. If you are trying to get out of a “BPD Breakup Funk” go workout. And don’t make excuses for it. You can thank me later

3)   Being more social. I’ve made a concerted effort to put myself into new groups of people to meet others. While trying to snap out of the “funk” I was in after our breakup, I sulked for quite a while at my apartment. Nothing good comes from sitting by yourself when you are feeling lonely and missing someone. I found that I gained “life” and “energy” by just being around people. I’ve met some cool people too!

4)   Spending more time with my family. I’m so lucky to have family near where I live. If you also are this fortunate, hang out with them. Again, this goes back to the idea of not being alone and by yourself. I’ve made weekend trips to visit my brother and his wife, as well as trips to see my parents. I’ve learned it’s OK to lean on family during tough times. They are a gift we have been given!

Those are just a few things I’ve learned since going NC.

In my last posting, I said that I was certain that my ex would try to reconnect with me. I still believe that to be true. Although she has not tried to directly get in touch with me since a week after I went NC with her, there certainly have been some odd things that have occurred since then.  The oddest occurred when I came home from a meeting one night to my place, stepped out of my car and looked up to see a car that looked just like hers speed off to the backside of a building where there is no reason for cars to go. I’m fairly certain it was her. I’ve also received a couple of text messages from random numbers which just say “hey” or “What’s up?”. The phone numbers are from my area, but they are not numbers I’m familiar with. I responded to the first text and asked who it was and received no reply. I didn’t respond to the second one. Are the texts from her? Maybe…maybe not. It’s funny how without an exBPD, you wouldn’t think much of a car speeding off or random, odd texts.

But no contact directly from her. I don’t think she’s desperate enough yet to try and contact me. But if she does, I have a plan. My plan is NC. No response at all. If she shows up at my door I tell her we have nothing to talk about and close the door. If she sends me a text or email, I’m not responding. As time and NC have gone on, I find myself seeing her for what she is…a very confused person. For me and my sanity, it is simply best if I do not respond at all.

I feel sorry for her. I pray for her daily. I really hope she is OK. The last time I saw my T, I described to her how awful my ex’s 2012 was. In my T’s words, “You know what the sad thing is? 2013 probably won’t be much different.”

But going back to my original point, I really feel like I’m getting better. I’ve read on here a couple of times that “the best revenge is living well.” I’m beginning to see a lot of truth to that. I’m using the time right now to “fix” things with me that led me to this relationship and get myself better so that not only can I be a more “whole” person, but choose better in future relationships.

There are blessings in all of this mess! Some days are just better than others. Keep pushing, striving and stay strong!(And pray that I do too)

[gina louise]

asher2

I'm impressed. Good for you!

What I have noted is that there seems to be a difference vs Divorce and the partner/partner break ups. Where one party can pack up and walk off and literally NEVER look back.(hey I know some married partners do this too... .  )

I have had my whole life upturned and that won't go away by simply carrying on with life. I still have to "extricate" my life from my StBxH... in a way, it's kind of a different break up.

RIght now I am 66 days out, separated.

But I feel very gratified that there is a bright light at the end of the break-up tunnel and that taking positive steps does help-and does so in an immediate way.

Kudos!



GL

[Sabine]

Indeed, asher2, very impressive. It takes time to reconnect ourselves to the really 'good things in life' and you've come a long way. You've also got NC down pretty good. I had to go NC (about a year ago) cold turkey and block him from my phone and email but that doesn't stop him from sending me things through the mail, where by which I just throw them in the closet and shut the door... .  coincidently he sent me a plaque once with an acceptance prayer on it. (I don't try to figure him out anymore)

I used to have a lot of anger towards him but now it's all about forgiveness or releasing him to the universe. I suppose that's my version of prayer for him.

Good job, thanks for sharing, I'm glad to hear your strategies on how you're moving forward! 

[stoic83]

I used to have a lot of anger towards him but now it's all about forgiveness or releasing him to the universe. I suppose that's my version of prayer for him.

This is what I have been trying to do... .  Im 19 days NC and have a lot of inspiration from these posts. I am doing all of thse things.

I guess my fear is that I have been through this before and still went back... .  this time Im going to ignore my conscience and stick to strict NO CONTACT forever. Its very hard... .  i think my ex might recover one day. But I need to move on and pretend like she is gone forever. Im sure this is wishful thinking.

My 30th birthday is in March and i dont want to live a life of constant heartache, worry and fear anymore. I dont have any close family right now... .  the relationship with family may have survived if it had not been for the BPD relationship.

Its sad... .  i still have my business and a home and a loving dog... .  but thats about it.

Time to really look at this as a fresh start:)

Thanks for the post asher... .  you are helping inspire me to get out of a dark place. I have the flu today too. yechh.

[bpdspell]

Congrats on being proactive in your healing. It takes a lot of courage to want this for yourself so pat yourself on the back for a job well done. Progress is the name of the healing game.


Best,

Spell

[asher2]

Stoic83... .  I'm sorry to hear about your rocky relationship with your family as you described... .  

My 30th birthday is in March and i dont want to live a life of constant heartache, worry and fear anymore. I dont have any close family right now... .  the relationship with family may have survived if it had not been for the BPD relationship.

I feel so lucky my ex didn't ruin my relationship with my family. It was certianly going down that path. She was pushing me toward a lifestyle that was so opposite of my core values and how I was raised.

Is there any way you can simply go to your family and talk it out? They are your family, I bet they'd be more forgiving than you may imagine if you come to them sincerely and contritely and try to talk it out... .  

[turtle]

But going back to my original point, I really feel like I’m getting better. I’ve read on here a couple of times that “the best revenge is living well.” I’m beginning to see a lot of truth to that. I’m using the time right now to “fix” things with me that led me to this relationship and get myself better so that not only can I be a more “whole” person, but choose better in future relationships.

Good for you Asher2! 

This time that you are using to invest in yourself right now is the best thing you could ever do.  It's so worth it!



turtle

[asher2]

Sabine... .  thanks for the kind words. I too like what you said... .  

I used to have a lot of anger towards him but now it's all about forgiveness or releasing him to the universe. I suppose that's my version of prayer for him.

There were days initally where I had an unbelievable amount of anger toward her. I'd literally be screaming in my car pretenting she was there just trying to get it all out! And there are certianly still days where I can get stuck with anger. For me personally, the most hurtful thing she did that made me so angry, was how she had a replacement lined up before we were through. I was just so hurt by that. Even typing that still pisses me off!

But where I can tell I've made progress is that I understand more and more that she has a mental illness. I kept reading about how you can't take their actions personally. I used to say "BS! How can you not take that personally!" Now, I've come to a greater understanding and acceptance that she was in survival mode. She tried to explain her actions at the end of our relationship (where she did some very irrational and hurtful things), that she was "extremely depressed and was feeling suicidal." I really believe her now. She probably was. I also think she was feeling intense shame for her actions when I found out about them. My guess is it was shame piled on top of all kinds of other shame she was feeling from other occurances in her life (probably stuff she never told me about).

It's the true acceptance that she is mentally ill that has allowed me to move toward getting better. But boy, is it hard to do because their actions defy "normal" logic. And yes Sabine, it feels good to begin to let that anger go... .  

[stoic83]

Is there any way you can simply go to your family and talk it out? They are your family, I bet they'd be more forgiving than you may imagine if you come to them sincerely and contritely and try to talk it out... .  

Hey asher... .  i think my mom has higher functioning BPD... .  and her mom is dying (abandonment issues). Since she is in control of my dad (on prozac and xanax) and my parents have been ruthless with me in the past... .  I am trying to detach from them as well. I am in contact with my aunt and uncle both psychologists (ucla).

My sister tried to commit suicide when 15 and she has "I love myself" tatooed on her wrist... .  seems like I probably have some of this disorder, or extremely borderline traits in the family. According to my parents they were both viciously abused as children... .  according to my uncle, my dad "had psychological problems as a kid and was cruel and violent". So I totally am at a loss man... .  

I have a few good friends, but some of them may have PDs as well. I am pretty sure I do not have a PD, just abused and humiliated by them since birth I am trying to figure out why I am so attracted to and such an easy target for a pwBPD or pwNPD etc ... .  these are some of the things I am discovering as I look in to the mirror and in to my past.

I want to move past blame of my family or ex and in to self-accountability. I hold myself accountable for maintaing this relationship, opening the door, trying to maintain a friendship between breakups... .  etc.

Why did I want to be friends with someone who treated me so poorly? Well I think that my whole life I have been empathizing with people who treated me poorly, and not enough with myself.

For now, I will have to move on with the support of a therapist ($35 for an hour a week)... .  a few friends and my dog, .

I have a couple of business partners who I see every day and they are a bit off as well... .  I am probably more wary of dysfunction in others and not having a good support structure, or job structure is forcing me to look inside and be more spirtual in connecting to the one-ness of the universe etc... .  

There are red flags in the people around me... .  the T agrees. I have surrounded myself with a lot of unhealthy people... .  but there are a few healthier ones among them. I will cut contact with my more problematic friends and family members for now... .  hopefully down the road I can reconnect with my family, but right now I need to tend to my own wounds before I can rise above the dysfunction in my family... .  

If i want a rs with my family. I have to be the SUPPORT SYSTEM for them. LOL. So going to my family will do me no good, because they are in a worse state in general than I am... .  



Stoic83