Helping my teen nieces deal with my uBPD sister's temper tantrums

[Chicky]

Hello all

I have not been on this board for a long, long time but found it a huge help when divorcing my cluster B ex husband. I have been away from him for 3 years now. Thanks to advice from this board, and lots of counselling, it has been the most beneficial 3 years of my adult life.

I now turn to you again as I want to ask for help on behalf of my nieces, aged 14 and 11.

Their mother, my sister, is a uBPD with terrible anger problems, drinks too much, and displays mood swings, emotionally inconsistent behaviour, black and white thinking, the lot. The girls' father is a nice guy, but spineless and completely enmeshed. He also drinks a lot.


What I'd like to ask is, is there any literature or online resources that I can give to either of my nieces that can help them deal with their situation. I looked at Walking On Eggshells and Understanding the Borderline Mother on Amazon, but I think they are above these two kids' heads.

My family doesn't understand the concept of PDs, refuse to believe my sis is doing anything wrong (as that might invoke her wrath if she is spoken to about her behaviour).

I have Googled "dealing with parents with anger problems" and things like that but the answers don't really take into account the craziness involved with dealing with a BPD type person, so they wouldn't be helpful in this situation.

I am worried the girls' situation is deteriorating as they get older and - quite naturally - start to emerge from my sister's sphere of control.

My older niece has started going off the rails (understandably). She has been caught shoplifting, stealing from her parents and drinking.

My sister has always been verbally very harsh with my niece (my sister's excuse "I can't help it" and has always displayed inconsistent boundaries. Niece will be absolutely slaughtered for minor infraction one day, then allowed to get away with murder the next. Niece is told off for her behaviour, yet never grounded, and she is allowed to hang out with a rough group of kids. You get the picture.

I am in frequent text contact with my older niece, meet her for lunch regularly, and have encouraged her to contact me when she wants to vent when there is "a drama situation at home".

I haven't criticised her mother directly, but have made it clear I find "anger behaviour" unacceptable and that I empathise with my niece's situation and the helplessness she feels.

She is a good hearted kid, intelligent and gets good grades at school, which I frequently praise her for. I am worried she might have bullying tendencies though.

My younger niece, I am even more worried about. She is very introverted, has terrible self esteem issues and takes everything to heart.

She is like me in this respect - and I ended up in a 15-year marriage with a verbally abusive, spendthrift, gambling, alcoholic adulterer. I had a nervous breakdown and it would be awful for that poor lass to end up in the same situation - or worse.

I text her frequently but she does not text back very often. When I see her I always try to big up her talents - she is creative and methodical - and I get her to help me out with tasks such as cooking, to give me an opportunity to praise her.

The family lives about half an hour from me, but I don't see my sister too often as there is terrible tension between us, and I am seen as the 'bad guy' by my enmeshed family for 'rocking the boat'. This is something I have trouble dealing with but hope I can learn to ignore at some point. I see the girls when they visit my mum.

I would love to have a superficial 'Wise Mind' relationship with my sis but that is impossible till I feel more healed myself. I feel triggered by her and am worried I'll get upset around her and make the situation even worse.

If anyone can help me with any resources for these two girls I would be so, so, so grateful.

I don't want them to go through what I did - it would be absolutely heartbreaking.

Best wishes to all in your challenges - my heart goes out to you.

Chicky

[BiancaRose]

Although this isn't strictly speaking a book about BPD, the book How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk absolutely saved my life when I was about that age. My mother bought it for some reason, read three pages of it, and completely ignored all of it. I got started on it because I liked the comic-strip-style illustration pages, but it soon helped me to see that I deserved to be treated with more respect than I was getting, that she was treating me in a way I did not deserve, and that parents have obligations to their children (contrary to my belief that children are obligated to please their parents). Essentially it showed me what it would look like to have a mother who treated me like I was worthy of unconditional love and respect, and helped me see that I didn't have that but it wasn't because I did something wrong.

I'll keep on looking for something more specific - hell, if no one finds anything, maybe I'll write it! - but that was the book that most helped me recognize something was wrong. Around the same time, I also found Christina Crawford's memoir Mommie Dearest helped me get past the extent to which mothers are treated as automatic saints in our society, and to recognize that just being Mom didn't make my mother right. (Fair warning, though: I've always been a bit of an advanced reader for my age.)

[Chicky]

Thanks so much BiancaRose, I'll check that out. I feel so powerless because I want to help the girls but I don't want to rock the boat either. Really appreciate your input. Good luck with all your endeavours.

Best wishes

Chicky

[GeekyGirl]

Those are both tough ages--at 14 and 11, they're going through all the joys of puberty and adolescence and dealing with what sounds like very alarming behavior from their mother. I can imagine how helpless you feel, but there are some things you can do to help your nieces.

Do you get to spend any time with them without your sister around? Could you bring them to your house for a weekend every now and then to give them a break?

You're already helping them by being available to them and keeping in touch with them. That will help immensely and give them the sense that someone does love them and care about them. That will go a long way. 

I'm not sure about reading materials for kids that age, but I can look around a little. Your older niece might be able to get some benefit out of reading Stop Walking on Eggshells. Are they in any kind of therapy now?

Your nieces are lucky to have a caring and concerned aunt.   Congrats to you, too, for the progress you've made over the last 3 years.

[Cantor]

I think I was about 13 or 14 when my Dad gave me Walking on Eggshells and Understanding the Borderline Mother. He had already talked about her situation back then with us, but reading those books was helpful, and I could really identify with many of the situations described in the books. It was nice to read those and think, 'Wow, this isn't actually all in my head, other people have experienced this too', etc. I think they gave me a mental way out, in a way. I don't think they were easy to read, but I came back to them periodically and reread them when I felt confused.

In any event, it's wonderful that your nieces have you to talk to and offer advice! For me, talking about it with people I could trust helped a lot.

Best wishes!

[Chicky]

Thank you Curly Street and Geeky Girl, your input is really helpful and your words are so kind <3 My family is so enmeshed I sometimes question myself so it's a relief to communicate with others who've dealt with this situation.

After my life nosedived I came to live with my mum and am still here as am saving for a place of my own. It's difficult to talk candidly with the girls as you can imagine.  The thing that keeps me saving is the thought of having them to stay over with me :-)

I am going to buy the books - they sound from what you are saying that they could be more helpful than i anticipated  and ill take on board the rest if your advice too.

Best wishes - and thank you again.

Chicky