Entering new territory

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Been off and on these boards for a couple of years now.  Short version:  My exBPDbf lied, cheated, raged, refused to get a job and I ended up spending $100K on him and am now broke and deep in debt; collapsed in tears of self-hatred when he couldn't hate me, damaged property, choked me 3 times.  He was also (wait for it) the most romantic and loving man... .  in between that, for about a day at a stretch.  I eventually moved out while he was out of town.  We recycled; I moved 1,000 miles away.  We couldn't let it go.  Back and forth between joy and heartbreak.  Saw him in October where he threatened suicide if we didn't commit (so I did of course).  Saw him in December, where I realized that I both loved and -liked- him more than I thought, and that it wasn't going to work.  Finally told him on the anniversary of my father's death Dec. 14, as a way of honoring my Dad, who would have hated to know that my relationship was so bad. 

Still love there.  An extinction burst when I failed to respond properly to a "crisis," then we have been in low contact. 

Last night, he told me he was going to start dating again:   "I am firmly ensconced in my "not looking for someone to sleep with and not looking for a relationship  state, and have no desires or anticipations of coming out of it. But I have to admit, I have found myself still in searching for a companion, and that's something that's been tugging at my soul lately, especially with the limited contact you and I have had. Don't get me wrong, I think it's good for us.

I'm also not going to lie, and I don't know any other way to say this but blatantly: I am trying to fall out of love with you, because I don't see our paths ever converging again, and I'm beginning to accept that as fact. But in order to reinforce that, I need distractions from you. Because right now, when I'm alone and left to my own thoughts and devices, I think of you; almost constantly. And I miss you. And things remind me of you and/or us. And that hurts. And I've got to stop these feelings somehow.

I hope you understand. I am open for discussion if you like, all you ever have to do is reach out."

I took a long time in replying, and centered myself spiritually.  I told him that I understood, and I thanked him for his openness and honesty.  Without agreeing with him exactly about our paths never converging, which I thought would topple him over the edge, I told him I thought was he was doing was the right thing to do, and we both needed to be free to find out who we were as individuals.  I told him I wanted only his happiness, and thanked him for his accessibility.  I also didn't volunteer that I thought of him constantly, and it hurts. 

To my great surprise, he didn't reply.  He usually does, and I was half-expecting that, as was so often the case, I'd said the "wrong" thing.  This silence is... .  very strange.

He also sent a separate email saying he was sending some money that I had owed him, just a bit late.  I thanked him for that.  Last week I had talked to his therapist about stopping his therapy, which I am paying for; I am a freelancer and one of my main projects has gotten indefinitely delayed, so my cash is very tight and I'm not even sure when I'll see any more (eventually, yes, I have contracts, but just not when.)  His therapist thinks BPD will be fine, he has made a lot of progress.  He said he would "call BPD in the next week before the next scheduled session and see what he wants to do."  I said I would agree to pay for one final wrapup, it seemed right.  But now I'm not sure who is supposed to tell BPD.  I think he will think I am "punishing" him, even though this was done before I heard about the date.  What do you all think?

I have also started back on antidepressants, and know from experience that for a couple of weeks I will be "off" as my brain chemistry adjusts. 

So... .  never been in this place before.  It could all fall back to a recycle, but it is new territory, and in my heart I know I want it that way.  But I am lonely--been living in a new state for several months, and I am having difficulty making friends.  Trying very hard to function and not sink into the "blues.   :'(

[Changed4safety]

Been off and on these boards for a couple of years now.  Short version:  My exBPDbf lied, cheated, raged, refused to get a job and I ended up spending $100K on him and am now broke and deep in debt; collapsed in tears of self-hatred when he couldn't hate me, damaged property, choked me 3 times.  He was also (wait for it) the most romantic and loving man... .  in between that, for about a day at a stretch.  I eventually moved out while he was out of town.  We recycled; I moved 1,000 miles away.  We couldn't let it go.  Back and forth between joy and heartbreak.  Saw him in October where he threatened suicide if we didn't commit (so I did of course).  Saw him in December, where I realized that I both loved and -liked- him more than I thought, and that it wasn't going to work.  Finally told him on the anniversary of my father's death Dec. 14, as a way of honoring my Dad, who would have hated to know that my relationship was so bad. 

Still love there.  An extinction burst when I failed to respond properly to a "crisis," then we have been in low contact. 

Last night, he told me he was going to start dating again:   "I am firmly ensconced in my "not looking for someone to sleep with and not looking for a relationship  state, and have no desires or anticipations of coming out of it. But I have to admit, I have found myself still in searching for a companion, and that's something that's been tugging at my soul lately, especially with the limited contact you and I have had. Don't get me wrong, I think it's good for us.

I'm also not going to lie, and I don't know any other way to say this but blatantly: I am trying to fall out of love with you, because I don't see our paths ever converging again, and I'm beginning to accept that as fact. But in order to reinforce that, I need distractions from you. Because right now, when I'm alone and left to my own thoughts and devices, I think of you; almost constantly. And I miss you. And things remind me of you and/or us. And that hurts. And I've got to stop these feelings somehow.

I hope you understand. I am open for discussion if you like, all you ever have to do is reach out."

I took a long time in replying, and centered myself spiritually.  I told him that I understood, and I thanked him for his openness and honesty.  Without agreeing with him exactly about our paths never converging, which I thought would topple him over the edge, I told him I thought was he was doing was the right thing to do, and we both needed to be free to find out who we were as individuals.  I told him I wanted only his happiness, and thanked him for his accessibility.  I also didn't volunteer that I thought of him constantly, and it hurts. 

To my great surprise, he didn't reply.  He usually does, and I was half-expecting that, as was so often the case, I'd said the "wrong" thing.  This silence is... .  very strange.

He also sent a separate email saying he was sending some money that I had owed him, just a bit late.  I thanked him for that.  Last week I had talked to his therapist about stopping his therapy, which I am paying for; I am a freelancer and one of my main projects has gotten indefinitely delayed, so my cash is very tight and I'm not even sure when I'll see any more (eventually, yes, I have contracts, but just not when.)  His therapist thinks BPD will be fine, he has made a lot of progress.  He said he would "call BPD in the next week before the next scheduled session and see what he wants to do."  I said I would agree to pay for one final wrapup, it seemed right.  But now I'm not sure who is supposed to tell BPD.  I think he will think I am "punishing" him, even though this was done before I heard about the date.  What do you all think?

I have also started back on antidepressants, and know from experience that for a couple of weeks I will be "off" as my brain chemistry adjusts. 

So... .  never been in this place before.  It could all fall back to a recycle, but it is new territory, and in my heart I know I want it that way.  But I am lonely--been living in a new state for several months, and I am having difficulty making friends.  Trying very hard to function and not sink into the "blues.   :'(

[myself]

Can't live your life based around if you're 'punishing' him or not. The way it works for pwBPD, your LOVE is seen as 'punishing' to them. So: Let Yourself off the hook.

He's saying he's taking steps of his own now, away from you. He will find his own way to pay for a T, if he continues to follow through with that. No need for you to 'fix' him.

New Territories = New Maps. New Possibilities.

[SeekerofTruth]

c4s

I am very touched by the heart-gut wrenching pangs the following words you shared had upon me:

 admit, I have found myself still in searching for a companion, and that's something that's been tugging at my soul lately, especially with the limited contact you and I have had. Don't get me wrong, I think it's good for us.

I'm also not going to lie, and I don't know any other way to say this but blatantly: I am trying to fall out of love with you, because I don't see our paths ever converging again, and I'm beginning to accept that as fact. But in order to reinforce that, I need distractions from you. Because right now, when I'm alone and left to my own thoughts and devices, I think of you; almost constantly. And I miss you. And things remind me of you and/or us. And that hurts. And I've got to stop these feelings somehow.

I hope you understand. I am open for discussion if you like, all you ever have to do is reach out."

I took a long time in replying, and centered myself spiritually.  I told him that I understood, and I thanked him for his openness and honesty.  Without agreeing with him exactly about our paths never converging, which I thought would topple him over the edge, I told him I thought was he was doing was the right thing to do, and we both needed to be free to find out who we were as individuals.  I told him I wanted only his happiness, and thanked him for his accessibility.  I also didn't volunteer that I thought of him constantly, and it hurts

I LOVE the permission you gave both him and you to be free... .  How you took the high road encouraging his happiness.  And how you kept vigil, carefully tending to the boundary of your internal space in not volunteering your current vulnerability in the area of struggling with obsessiveness and hurt... .  giving you the space and allowing you to opportunity to care for your soul.

 

I can just say I relate very much to what you are going thru, never saw myself getting this far in having lost so much, with seemingly barely a foothold left to stand on... .  accepting reality, beginning to accept responsibility for my healing and recovery independent of other... .  (as much as the "dream" entailed a healthy interdependence)... .  and for every side track, and getting back on the path.

This silence is... .  very strange.

Embrace the silence.  Breathe.  Inner Stillness.  Breathe.  Inner Peace.  Keep breathing.  Letting go of that which no longer serves us.  Breathing in goodness and compassion.  Keep breathing.  

Read in this book called Meditations from the Mat, today:    The truth is, we are all so very, very vulnerable.  Life is as it is... .  The only thing we can control is our attitude.  We have the choice of life or death, love or fear, in each moment.  We bear the responsibility for that choice each moment. We set out to better ourselves, only to find legions of reasons to break our commitment to health... .   And yet the obstacles in our path ARE the path Ever time we stretch beyond our resistance and our fear, we make a choice for life.  And every time we choose life, we find that fear loses its grip on us.  We all know more than we think we do, and we are stronger than we believe ourselves to be.  We come... .  to our lives, to learn by going where we have to go.

Then I put in this yoga dvd.  Went along with it, 10-12 minutes later i was pooped and wanted to stop and was ready to give myself permission to do so but stayed the course, actually finished the tape.  Anyways, as the instructor was all smiles bent over in this Side Angle - Triangle Pose, she said "This is an expansion pose, not a depression pose". Wow!  That made body sense.  It was a chest expansion.  And I was breathing and smiling thru it as more anxiety dissapated.  Also, during some more strenous holds, her instruction was "smile"... .  your body likes this.

So my advice for you is to take care of your health, do healthy self-soothing activities and care for your body.  Excercise is very helpful in warding off the blues.  Just a hunch, are there any yoga classes at a reasonable price in your area?

 Last week I had talked to his therapist about stopping his therapy, which I am paying for; I am a freelancer and one of my main projects has gotten indefinitely delayed, so my cash is very tight and I'm not even sure when I'll see any more (eventually, yes, I have contracts, but just not when.)  His therapist thinks BPD will be fine, he has made a lot of progress.  He said he would "call BPD in the next week before the next scheduled session and see what he wants to do."  I said I would agree to pay for one final wrapup, it seemed right.

Very generous and loving for you have covered his therapy costs, thus far.   You having a reached a limit certainly makes sense, particularly with cash being tight.  Checking with therapist and confirming he is not in a vulnerable spot and appears to be more stable appears appropriate and considerate.  

However my take is different.  You know T is ethically obligated to not abandoned patient in tx.  Just because the reality of the funding source running dry is upon the horizon, does not necessarily means T cuts off patient without discussing sliding fee or making some type of other arrangement.  I do not like the "one more session and he's done" talk if it's coming from the T.  :)oes not sit right with me.  Rather, I'd prefer to see some negotiated and mutually planned for exit (btw T and client) called "termination process"... .  i... e over the next 2- 3-4 sessions, spread out over how many weeks... .   Especially, if he's made a lot of progress, I would like to see the T, if T has not done so already, do a planned termination process with him, which good ones will often address at the beginning and during middle points of therapy.  Often time "termination process" affords the recepient of therapy a "consolidation" period, of progress made... .  adequate therapeutic experiential reflection time in here's where I started tx, here is where I am now, here's the progress made that I own, here's the plan for maintaining my gains, here are the speed bumps or holes in the road I need to respect, and good-bye, thank you time.  In a way, he has opportunity to exit tx in a planned way in which he and T have control over.

I don't think you need to be on the hook for paying for this though.  I respect your limits.  However, while it may signify reality that therapy will be coming to a close, since T is not doing volunteer work... .  nonetheless, if he has been a long-term patient, my hope would be that T and patient do a planned termination (allowing for deeper consolidation of therapeutic gains while practicing enacting a healthy form of emotional/interpersonal closure btw the 2 of them).  So with all that said, I do not see anything wrong with reapproaching T, and in addition to reaffirming your last payment... .  your hope or question would be that T be open  and does discuss with client... .  an appropriate termination process (if that is deemed appropiate)... .  and if in addition to taking your last payment contribution, would he consider negotiating with client a sliding fee arrangement or waiver of fees for remaining number of sessions that appear appropriate to terminate tx most responsibly and therapeutically, on behalf of client's interest, regardless of this being the last payment coming from you.

Just my 29 dollars worth.  39 dollars worth.

[Rose Tiger]

I don't believe that was the answer he was looking for from you.

The tug I felt while reading his thoughts was, I love you, I miss you, either get back here and do the r/s for me or [insert threat here] which is to see other people.

Maybe I am too jaded and cynical now-a-days.  Ex was also perfectly perfect, his false self is so polished and he says the right things that make you think "Awww" he cares!

They do care but you see the big missing chunk.  "Hey Sweets, I've been a cad and hurt you badly.  I've been in therapy and working on myself.  Until I work through some serious issues, I'm no good to anyone.  Love you lots, wishing much happiness and joy for you.  I'll drop you a line from time to time on my progress.  I know you saw lots of my bad parts and I'm so sorry.  Take good care, Ex."

[SeekerofTruth]

RT - LOL (too funny)

Valid consideration, perhaps reflective of a warranted objective skepticism.

I do also admit, upon first reading of the exchange between C4S and processing of becomig xSO I got a little confused between who was who, with a particular concern noted about an incongruency or snag in the oitment if you will.  And that was, after all the yada yada (actually i thought this was pretty reality based) about... .  " searching for a companion, not gonna lie, blatantly trying to fall out of love with you, don't see paths ever converging, beginning to accept that as fact, need (healthy) distractions, when alone (lack self -control to not obsess-honest confession), things remind me of u and us (ouch), it hurts, got to stop these feelings, somehow"... .  Bravo Man!  Yeah I do understand!  Hel1 yeah!

But, but, but, but, but... .  

I hope you understand. I am open for discussion if you like, all you ever have to do is reach out." 

Nada, Nada, Nada.  No can do.  Now if this had come from C4S, I would have addressed it with a WHAT RU THINKING with saying that, given what you just said?  But since it was coming from in process of becoming xSO, I chose to ignore.

Perhaps this might be the gist of the "tug" with a tinge of BSem, which RT discerned and picked up upon.

Now, here's a song for ya'all:

I Can't Go For That (NO CAN DO) - Rumer & Daryl Hall 5:53

www.youtube.com/watch?v=m5hzeKlRYNM

PS:  If you like Rumer, I personally found Rumer Playlists available on YT, to provide soothing background music.

PEACE OUT.  Get me off these boards!

[Changed4safety]

Thank you.  The good was very good, and I have many love notes and AIM conversations from him that are so sweet and heartbreaking now.  I do believe that when he said those things he meant them; just as when he said the hateful things, he meant them at the time.  And thank you for your thoughts about my response.

The yoga quote was wonderful as well, thank you for sharing that!

 

With regard to ending therapy, the therapist actually had said to BPD in their most recent session that he really didn't think BPD needed to see him any more, but BPD continued to want to.  As therapist said, "That may change when he has to pay for it himself."  BPD is big into expensive hobbies, and seems to be continuing them; he had spoken on his FB page about renewing his EMT basic training simply to help his character in WWII reenactments be more authentic (he has a medic persona and does research in that area.)  So if he has $500 to throw toward his hobby, along with the plush toys and action figures he keeps buying and the Avengers costume he is working on, I figured he could find $100 a month (rate already reduced) to see T if he felt the need to.  I will, however, ask T about what happens if he does need counseling but doesn't have the cash on hand.  I appreciate your concern and knowledge!

Rose Tiger, I am... .  kind of with you.  We've danced up to this brink before.  He's never been bullying about it but he "has to have" a companion.  And before, I blinked.  I didn't blink this time.  I actually expected an angry attack about how much I "don't care".  He really had been trying this last year since my father died.  I truly believe the cheating stopped (for one thing, he let me see all his email, and it was... .  ugly in the past with his affairs).  He did get "better."  And if this had happened two years into the relationship rather than four, I might have been able to stay.  But it was just too much, and I think it's for the best.  

[Rose Tiger]

How long has he been in T?  Ex went to T and fine tuned his false self, did not let the mask slip for an instant.  It can take 3 to 5 years, and they have to be committed to the hard work.

He was always the one to say, maybe it's best we part.  And right on cue, I would say NOO!

Except for the last time.  After much therapy and the strength to say, ok.

[Changed4safety]

He has been in therapy both with me and in individual therapy.  We went for about a year and a half, he has gone for about two, two and a half years.  All of which I have paid for.

BOTH of the therapists saw right through him.  I have, of course, heard more about that from the couples therapist who later became mine (with BPD's knowledge and approval.)  Both she and his therapist believe he has BPD, he believes he has bipolar II rapid cycling, PTSD, and OCD.  I do not know if his therapist has told him.  

I've always preferred to be the dumpee rather than the dumper.  I would rather deal with the agony of being discarded than the guilt of hurting someone else.  And when I have been the one to end things, I was out of love by that point.  I've never had to end something while still in love.  

He's off on his date, and I am home alone.  I am glad of the distance of the move, simply because I know I'd just keep recycling if I didn't have the physical distance.  But I have no friends here other than one family, and I'm quite lonely tonight.  

Also lost my father, to whom I was very close, last December 14, and was married for 17 years before hopping into this relationship.  This is, I suppose, my first baby step into being truly alone.

[Rose Tiger]

Oh gosh, that is rough, I'm sorry about your Dad.  :)o you mean just last month?

When I imagine ex with a woman, I imagine her catching on really fast that something is off.  I think, do I care if the neighbor two blocks over is dating?  That's how I will feel about ex eventually.  I also think about taking care of myself for a future someone special.  He's not here now, but eventually?  He wouldn't want me falling apart but taking good care of myself like he would want me to take care of me.  It's more comforting to think of that as a possible future because I'm not ready for anything like that right now.  It takes times to grieve and rebuild.  No hurry.  It's time to be gentle with you.

[Changed4safety]

No, a year ago last month but I adored him.  My mom was an alcoholic and he sort of ran interference for me, so I feel like I lost my "champion".  He was a WWII vet, fighter pilot and POW in Stalag Luft III.  He would have kicked my exBPD to the curb if he knew how he was treating me.  I made sure he didn't.  Two days before he died and four afterward my ex had meltdowns, he improved after his meds were adjusted, but it was damaging.  I never felt the same about him after that. 

I'm not as despairing as I thought I would be, just... .  very sad.  I'm 49, ex is 30.  (Yes, I know.)  I worry if I will ever find anyone, and if I'll be too scared to try.  I would have stood before a firing squad and proclaimed to the end that ex would NEVER cheat on me, that I was the love of his life... .  and I would have been wrong almost 20 times over (most of the women were online for cybersex.)  That betrayal... .  and trusting... .  and seeing him crying begging me to trust him when he knew he was lying... .  claiming that he "blacked out" when he did the cybersex because of trauma with another woman who dominated and controlled him... .  no, I don't want that, and I keep making myself remember that.

Tonight, I'm wistful.  I will be talking to a friend of mine later whose ex wife had BPD.  I think it will help. 

The kind and insightful words I find here help very much!

[Rose Tiger]

Are you serious?  Your Dad was a fighter pilot and experienced a POW camp?  You know you have fighter genes in you.  I know how it feels to lose your champion, my Mom passed on in 2004 and it seems like yesterday.  It's hard that I can't pick up the phone.  She was a fighter too.  One way to look at it, some kiddos don't have a special parent, it is a blessing.

It is amazing to me how many of us on this site are 49/50.  I don't believe for a minute that you don't have a lot to offer.  You are a smart, loving person.  That is valuable.  You are trustworthy.  I can't imagine you betraying a beau.  These are very good qualities.  You are a valuable person.  Your ex loved you as best he could, unfortunately his brokeness is going to hold him back in every relationship until he commits to his healing.  That is his cross to bear.  I do love my ex, I wish him every chance for a fullfilling life, I don't wish him any harm.  The things he did weren't ok.  I can't expose myself to that anymore.  He is disordered, mentally ill, I didn't cause it and I can't fix it.  But I won't sacrifice my well being to trying to change the impossible.  It's difficult sometimes because I'm so lonely and sometimes I enjoy it, the peace, reading a fun book, watching a movie, playing with my dog or being still and thinking about stuff.  It's nice not having someone working on me and making me feel bad.  You've got lots of years left, no hurry.  Don't rush yourself just because the ex is ready to play games.  I don't see you as the game playing type.  It's shallow stuff, how much you will appreciate authentic sincere people now.

[Changed4safety]

Thank you RT, he was all that and more, and when I find myself sobbing on the floor I remind myself that his blood is in my veins and I am better than that.  I say he would have "kicked my ex's butt" but Dad was never violent, he never even raised his voice to me.  He was a gentleman and a gentle man, and my mom really had to have done a number on me for me to want my exBPD when I had Dad as a role model. 

Your words are very kind, and I appreciate them.  I actually was in a 17 year marriage before I met my exBPD in which we were celibate for 15 years rather than give up on the marriage (ex was transgendered, and there were all kinds of issues around that.)  I don't like to quit.  Waitaminute's words in another thread are like a mantra to me.  Yes, I was sadly ripe for the picking. 

I don't like, I don't cheat, I don't quit (that will stand me in good stead in a healthy relationship once I learn the difference between refusing to fix something that can be fixed and giving up on something that's thoroughly broken.)  I just was always insecure about myself and my ability to attract and keep men due to early programming.  My mom obsessed about my weight (I wasn't overweight) and I thought I was worthless.  Being cheated on is sadly nothing new to me. 

I'm realizing I have started to form deal breakers.  And I think this time they will be.  Thinks like, No Violence Ever.  I start dating someone who throws a glass, I'm done, let alone harms me physically.  No cheating.  I don't have to support him  (was a theme in both my marriage and my relationship with my exBPD my ex-husband wanted to be a painter.   He was excellent, but it's a tricky business.) 

Doing OK today.  Got some good news on the work front, and that really bouyed me.  It's good to be able to pay bills!

[Rose Tiger]

That's great on the work front.  It is good to be able to pay bills.  That helps to be able to sit back and take your time about relationships.  To get to know someone before handing the heart over.  The r/s with my ex went too quickly in the beginning, I should of taken things much more slowly.  He has a very good nice guy act.

There is something to not letting someone treat us badly just because of early programming that it is ok to not treat us well.  My list is something like your's, along with being able to have a conversation that is deeper than the weather!  My ex didn't cheat, holds a good job, he just wasn't a friend.  He was cold to me the majority of the time at the end.  I think being friends is kinda important.  Being able to talk.  So important.

[Changed4safety]

I love to have great discussions, and I will miss that with my ex--he was highly intelligent and we had the best talks, when things were going well.

Today, not so great.  ExBPD's therapist contacted him and they discussed how to move forward with therapy.  No raging hate mail in my inbox, so I gather he took it well.  Therapist says, "He sounds really good these days!"

And that spiraled me into depression.  All kinds of things pummeled me--was this an act?  Is he really happier without me?  Here I am gaining wait and going on crying jags and he's doing great? 

I am still in the early days of getting back onto antidepressants so I know that my moods are going to be erratic.  I ended up again crying over Dad, feeling so guilty that in his last years I didn't get back to visit as often as I should have.   I can lose the weight, change my life going forward, but I can't have time with Dad ever again, and I wasted so much in thrall to this relationship.  It could be said that I focused more on my ex than my father for most of his last years, and this devastates me.  I did read about trauma bonds, and am trying to forgive myself.  It's not like I blew my Dad off because I was too busy having fun and eating bonbons. 

I realize I am scared to move forward.  Part of me wants him back, so I can resume a known identity.  I seem unable to focus on charting a new path. 

[Changed4safety]

Apparently the therapist expressed some concern about me to him... .  I was on FB and forgot to turn off chat, so he IMed me, worried.  Why can he not really BE this person?  I know the answer to that, of course.  My job is to not get sucked and/or suckered back into things.  He can be this way, and it's genuine, but it won't last, and all the bad stuff will come back.  I have been dumped, I have broken up with someone I didn't love... .  but to actively walk away from someone you still love... .  it is my earnest hope that I never, ever have to do that again in my life. 

[Changed4safety]

Missing him a LOT tonight.  Having those old second thoughts.  Knowing that if I did reach out, he'd reach back.  I could have him back.  And right now, all I can think of are the good times.

[Rose Tiger]

I would think those thoughts alot, too, after the break.  I went through a couple recycles towards the end.  I don't like pain and I wanted to avoid it.  It was when it was more painful to be with him that I finally gathered the strength to let it go.  It hurt that he didn't truly have my best interests at heart, and the relationship was so shallow, no depth.

The only way through grieving is to grieve, there are no short cuts.  I had a few sessions with my T where I was crying so hard, spit strings were falling out of my mouth.  So embarrassing, but it had to come out.  Who knew that crying was such a blessing because a person feels so much better after a good cry.  I cried for him, I cried for my childhood, I cried for my mom that I missed so much.  That stuff was just building and building.  Like a pressure cooker.

Returning to your partner will put it off for you and Lord knows, I used my ex to avoid dealing with my pain.  Sometimes you have to bite the bullet and let it go.  Or you stay stuck.  You can't move forward and grow.   

[Rose Tiger]

One thing I did a lot at the break was make home made soups.  I'd get some chicken wings and legs (about a pound or so), add a quart of water, throw them in the crockpot with a dash of vinegar (leaches the calcium out of the bones), a bay leaf, couple dashes of poultry seasoning, garlic clove through a press, chopped onion, carrot tops, celery tops and bottom and just let it simmer all day.  Makes the house smell delicious.  This makes a good chicken stock.  Then later you you strain out the stuff, put the chicken meat back in the stock, add cut up veggies, celery, carrot, potatoes, whatever you like.  Sometimes I'd add rice.

I'd freeze up containers of this for those evenings I didn't feel like cooking.  I found it very soothing to make it, cutting up the veggies and all that.  Plus it is really good for you. 

[Changed4safety]

RT, I am a soup girl!  I love making stock and soups.  I'm trying to work on my eating habits now, fell back into emotional eating and my weight just ballooned over the last literally couple of weeks.  Soups are so great in the winter. 

I've had so many of those hard grieving sessions.  I have a tremendous amount of guilt over not spending more time with my father, and the fact that even while he was dying my ex was distracting me.  Four days after Dad died my ex had a psychotic breakdown on the phone with me, screaming and texting and all kinds of things at 1:00 in the morning... .  joy. 

I feel a tiny bit better today, I think the antidepressants are kicking in.  I feel more like "myself," more able to make decisions like, "do I want to do some work, clean the kitchen, or go for a walk".  I have a book I'm really loving reading.  I am sneaking order back into my life.  And I am avoiding FB as much as possible (my friends who are helping me with my workout program are on there, otherwise I wouldn't go on at all.)  It's amazing how we seem... .  drawn to do things that will just make us feel worse. 

[Rose Tiger]

My soup sister!  Chicken soup for the soul, and it's a good dieting food since you can't eat it real fast.  Low calorie and nutritious.  I can fall into emotional eating, like that friend episode where the guy is telling Monica, that cookie isn't love Monica.  Well, sometimes it's a good facimile. I take a baggie of grapes and a few cubes of sharp cheese to work to munch on and eat dinner when I get home.  I might snack on saltfree peanuts in the shell, which I share with the dog.  That is much better to what I was eating!

I didn't like spending time with my mom in her last year, it was so hard seeing her sick.  She was not pleasant, she was upset and depressed over her illness.  I took her tapes to listen to, I'd rub lotion on her feet.  One night I lied on the bed with her and we watched ice skating on tv while I stroked her hair.  Just a few moments of peace that last year.  I like to focus more on the earlier years where the memories were good.  My siblings didn't live near towards the end and they feel bad for not being there, I tell them we had so much time growing up, the last few moments don't make the relationship, it's the lifetime that made the relationship.

If you start feeling wambly towards your ex, reread the initial post on this thread.  You are making headway on recovery, keep moving forward not back into dysfunction and fog. 

[Changed4safety]

RT, I followed your advice, and also have read the wise words of others.  On Day 4 of not hearing anything from him.  Antidepressants are doing their job and I feel so much more like myself now... .  able to make decisions and do things again!  Whew!  Also did the MOSAIC Threat Assessment... .  and got a chilling 8 out of 10.  It was funny, I kept feeling the need to explain things and justify his actions.  I will go back and reread that any time I feel like this was a mistake and I should go back to him.  You don't go back to someone who's tried to strangle you 3 times.  Even if medication problems WERE the reasons for it.  Even then, even then. 

I miss snuggling up and watching movies... .  but I can do that alone, with my cat, with friends, and one day with someone special.  I miss playing videogames with him.  I miss him cooking delicious food for me.  I miss the mind-blowing sex and his adventurousness that matched my own.  I miss the respect he had for WWII and the vets.  I miss the stimulating intellectual conversations we would have.  I miss being foodies with him. 

I may not find someone who wants to do all these things in one package.  But I can find someone who won't scream at me, punch the wall, or choke me, who doesn't make me live in a constant state of anxiety.  I can find friends or groups for most of the others.  And I'll be alive and living in peace when I do so.

[Rose Tiger]

Yes   if there weren't good parts, we wouldn't have put up with this for 2 seconds.  I found with the ex as time went on, the good parts were fewer and farther between.  There is no going back, no turning the clock back recapturing the old relationship.  I'm grateful for those good time memories, I sure had some very enjoyable moments.  Sad that there was no way to sustain it.  It is like a death, because that person is gone.  They will reinvent themselves for a new person and relive the pattern, over and over.  But we now know how to have fun, there are folks out there that enjoy good times without becoming abusive.

The times that I yearn the most for the ex is when I'm stressed and worried.  I have no one to talk to whom I can tell my troubles to, like you would to a partner.  When things are going well, I'm fine.  It's when I have a burning issue... .  ugh, I don't have my mom, I don't have a partner, so that is hard.  It's like I need my therapist to unload sometimes but that's not possible outside of our meetings.  So this is something I'm working on, how to sit with issues on my own.