The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round (for us both)

[FoolishOne]

Hey Family... .  I hope everyone on the Leaving Board had a good day... .  if you did, enjoy it.  Leaving is a btch.  I'm going through some intense emotions right now as I boldly keep the foot on the gas to reach escape velocity.  WIsh me luck.

Today I am reminded that the brain is an incredibly complex machine; with so many processes going on all at once... .  sometimes the white noice can be deafening... .  but what seems to get me the most is the ruminations... .  my wheels just can't seem to disengage the way they should.  Oftentimes I can hold them at bay for a whihle, but they always return... .  

So... .  today, I had an epiphany... .  insight that shed some light on those poor bastrards with BPD.  Here's the theory... .  Those thoughts I was talking about that keep haunting me time after time... .  as bad and as demonic as they are... .  eventually they will go away... .  HOWEVER... .  the pwBPD has the same affliction!  They are haunted by demons as well.  Now, granted, they are different demons... .  My demons are tapping me on the shoulder and telling me that she's with someone else... .  or telling me that I'll never find someone as beautiful, or telling me that I won't have mind-blowing sex again, or telling me that I am damaged goods now... .  but the pwBPD has demons telling them that they're worthless, telling them they're unattractive, telling them that they're not interesting, telling them that they're unloved.  Those demons work on them nonstop, 24/7 and it's everything theye can do to alleviate the pain.

My attempts for pain relief has been reading self-help books, reading posts from this website, talking to friends, trying to focus on a positive future, reminding myself of why I'm leaving Hell, and even talking to myself when nothing else seems to work... .  

The pwBPD chooses outside forces to attack the demons... .  seeking affirmation from others (whether that be in the arms of another lover or online), attacking the perceived threats to her (usually an SO, but also anyone else that dares question them), dysregulating and going into a rage allowing the adrenaline to mask the pain), or any number of antics or extremes designed to throw off the demons so that they can continue on earth for another day... .  and unfortunately, even those techniques don't always work and a significant percentage of them end their own lives to escape those demons.

Am I being sympathetic for their plight?  Only to the extent that I am sympathetic to the scorpion.  It is their nature to sting and hurt to protecet themselves... .  it's what they do... .  After being stung several times, I just don't want to be near one any more.

So... .  the next time you start ruminating (and if you're on the Leaving Board you are, or will be), just remember soon enough those ruminations and racing thoughts will eventually evade and you'll be at a place of calm.  But the pwBPD will still have those penetrating thoughts for the rest of their lives unless they seek professional treatment.

Just a thought that crossed my mind today... .  feel free to ruminate about it.

F1

[Rose Tiger]

Good thoughts F1.  After leaving the ex, there was a lot of emptiness in my life.  Worrying about him took up so much of my time.  Thinking about him afterward filled up some of the empty spots.  It's a transition to finding new things to fill up the free time.  I noticed how much I had let the house go so I've done a lot of work bringing back up.  It's amazing how much I let things slide during that time.  You'll start remembering things you liked to do before the relationship.  The peace is wonderful.  I had very bad PTSD and it took some time just for my nerves to heal.  Keep moving forward, things are on the uptick.  You're right, we heal, they stay the same.  The only one we can control and help is ourselves.

[Newton]

Great points FoolishOne ... .  (that member name is becoming redundant after this insight from you   )

We are willing to try a multitude of different things to better ourselves, and potentially the relationship. 

People with entrenched patterns of maladaptive thinking and coping mechanisms will repeat the same things over and over with a myriad of people... .  expecting different results.  Denial prevents them from seeing the common denominator... .  Them! 

[lost007]

Never ceases to amaze me how I see myself in other's posts. I am exactly at the same spot. Thinking exactly the same things. Ruminating. Knowing I did the right thing by leaving. Knowing the Scorpion cannot disarm her own stinger. That it must be removed by an expert-if it can be removed at all. Worrying that she will be with someone else. Knowing that she is already texting and visiting with other men because she cannot live without that attention and affirmation. Knowing that I will not do the same until our divorce is final. One because I am not ready. Two because the fallout from my soon to be ex would be nothing short of nuclear. How are these behaviors so similar and predictable? And being so it seems that there would be a way to unravel and fix it.

[turtle]

Great points FoolishOne ... .  (that member name is becoming redundant after this insight from you   )

I couldn't agree more!

People with entrenched patterns of maladaptive thinking and coping mechanisms will repeat the same things over and over with a myriad of people... .  expecting different results.  Denial prevents them from seeing the common denominator... .  Them! 

Exactly.   And it is impossible to reason with someone who doesn't want to see their part.

turtle

[lost007]

Or who is irrational turtle

[turtle]

Or who is irrational turtle

ABSOLUTELY!

[happiness68]

I'm definitely with you on this one FoolishOne - you will heal and be at peace with yourself one day.  We all will.  Our BPD's however will remain tortured.  Keep these thoughts in mind about the road to peace.  It will help.  It all does.  I can't believe how far I've come in just a few months.

By the way, I like your "family" greeting - how lovely - I guess we are a family in a certain respect ;-)  Gave me a smile for the day.

[FoolishOne]

Yes Happiness... .  we are a dysfunctional family, but a family nonetheless!

F1

[happiness68]

F1 - I don't think we're dysfunctional.  We've experienced a dysfunctional relationship and although we could have played a small part, I don't think we're responsible for the majority. I  think we just got led in.  We're pretty good people on here in my opinion.  We share the same feelings - that unconditional love - anyone who can offer that can't be bad ;-) I like that though - family ;-)

[FindingMe2011]

    that unconditional love   

This is one of the staples, of an unhealthy relationship. The noble gesture, without much thought, to justify behavior. The Romeo and Juliet saga, also played out in real life from time to time, by what society calls psychopaths, ie, Bonny and Clyde, Manson and friends. The enmeshment of 2 people, to form 1 whole person. An unclear point, where both persons start, and finish, and probably bounces around, with not much ability to uphold/have boundaries from both. Take your morals and boundaries (and these may change) and put these into your definition of "love". Another that truly "loves" you, will also respect this. There should be "conditions" for your love, you deserve this. It was interesting to me, how I could relate my pain to love. Yet when I stated my definition of love, pain was not in there... .  The above are examples to the far extreme, but carry parallels, to my experiences. The safest place for me, is to allow Disney, to do its thing... .  I wish you well, PEACE