I am 27 and married and my BPD mother won't leave me alone. In the past, therapists gave me the advice "move far away as soon as you can" (I'm in MD, she's in KY) and "set firm boundaries and cut off contact if she doesn't obey them." I have been keeping her at arm's length and since I've become a stepparent, I've started setting more boundaries. I won't let her make my daughter think she's/I'm crazy. When she was visiting at Christmas, she informed me that if my husband didn't start being "nicer" (aka sucking up more) to her, they were going to cut us all off completely and just adopt (I'm adopted) a new child. She said, "The sad thing is, it's M(stepdaughter) who is going to be missing out... . not only on material things but on the love and affection of her grandparents." That set off a BIG
in my head and my immediate internal reaction was "Cut her off! Protect your baby! Don't let her go through the yo-yo roller coaster of emotion you grew up with!" I allowed myself to be talked down and guilted into keeping her around, but I have distanced myself a good bit since the incident.
Fast forward to yesterday. I have been sick for a week or so with a craptastic cold that has left me not feeling like chatting with anyone. Mom sent me about ten texts and two e-mails during this time to let me know that she had bought us a AAA membership as a wedding gift (kind of her, but not very useful for our very frugal lifestyle.) I wrote her back and said, "Thank you so much for the generous gift, I've got a cold and am feeling crappy, I'll call when I'm feeling better." I turned my cell phone off over the weekend because I had everyone I wanted/needed to communicate with in the house with me already. :)idn't really think about it between taking care of a sick four-year-old and under-the-weather husband on top of my illness. When I left for the supermarket yesterday, I turned my phone on and had seven new voicemails and a text from my mother-in-law (who lives with us) that said, "Call your mother so she stops blowing up my phone." I don't know how long she'd been calling because MIL was in a snit over the weekend and wasn't speaking to me. I didn't listen to the voicemails because I don't want to hear the immense guilt trip that is sure to follow. I then had a text pop up that said, "If you don't call me back, I'm going to file a missing persons report. (Stepdad) is looking up the number for the constable in your area."
I went online in preparation to send her an e-mail (per my husband's suggestion) and got an IM from my ex-bf(Mom's only other contact in the state I live in, hubby won't give her his phone number and I don't blame him) that said, "Hey hon, your mom called. I told her I saw you last week, but she's not buying it, might wanna give her a call." I thanked him and apologized for her bothering him. I got distracted from the computer because I had to put my daughter to bed and tried to lay down early myself since I'm still recovering from the cold. At about 10:30, there was a knock at the door. I had a panic attack (I have some PTSD stuff I'm working through related to Mom coming over and pounding on my door when I first moved out on my own) so I stayed in my room, but I'm assuming she'd sent the police out... . at 10:30 at night... . when my preschooler is sleeping.
She has a history of sending the police after me. It's never "Oh, Holly's just busy and she'll call when she gets the chance." It's, "Holly's been kidnapped and held against her will! I have to call the police!" Then when she gets in touch with me, it's a massive "Look what you did to me! You had me worried sick! I could have ended up in the hospital! I thought you were dead in a ditch somewhere! I could hear you crying out in my sleep, 'Help me, Mama! Help me!'" Never in my life have I had an emergency and not had her notified. We have several local family members (husband's side) and they all know who to contact in case of an emergency. I am almost to the point of wondering whether it is worth it to keep in touch with her. Our entire relationship is guilt and stress and strain and trauma. Before she remarried (when I was 24, parents divorced when I was 18), I was the center of her universe and I really don't think it has changed enough. There's still a part of her that views ME as her significant other. She refuses to accept that I have a life outside of her. When I don't keep in as close touch as I like, she says my husband is "abusive" and he's "just going to get you pregnant and leave you." She tried to lay groundwork in the divorce case to say that I am "special needs." I have a genius IQ and was in advanced placement classes throughout school. I haven't completed college because of a debilitating (physical) illness I have, but I am in a healthy relationship and I love being fortunate enough to stay at home with my little girl. I worry so much that she will somehow convince the right person and try to take me away. I know this is unlikely, but it is always in the back of my mind. Would it be reasonable to try to get a restraining order? Do I even have grounds? I would like to find a therapist to help me work through things, but have had trouble finding one covered by my insurance that has any experience with BPD. Any thoughts/suggestions would be very welcome, I apologize this was long and rambly.
