Letting go with love, making room for love

[Elsegundo]

It's been a rough road.  I'm in space where I'm thankful for my journey with all of my relationships, and am hoping that the experiences Ive gained from them will lead me to the loving, interdependent relationship I want. 

In order to do that, I have to let go of my ex wBPD with love.  I'm wrestling with this, having sad, angry moments as well as the calm, open ones, so I thought I'd start an e-space to facilitate the latter, a sort of virtual stream in which I can throw my remnant feelings to make space for love and growth.

I'm letting it go.  I'm letting HER go.  I'm letting me in.

Anyone wanna join?

[Somewhere]

Some pretty good thinking there.

A+

Dunno what else to say, but to good to find good where we find it.

[Clearmind]

Letting go is hard because there are so many emotions – we take on their emotions, we take on our own, our relationships were distorted, reality was distorted.

I have been out for almost 2 years and in hindsight I can say – the more energy we expel on deconstructing our r/s the longer it takes for us to let go.

Someone wise once told me: “Don't live your life as a "victim." Remember that while we can't control the world out there, we can learn how to control our reactions to whatever life hands us. Remember that you have a huge amount of power within to change what is not working in your life”.

Much of the reason I held onto the control was because it ‘appeared’ safer to do so – in fact it has the opposite affect.

My motto now: Let my ex free, let him be him, allow him to the space to find himself – because I needed to do the same - for me!

What are hanging onto Elsee? And what have you learnt so far?

Be good to you

[pinkpeony]

Morning Elsee,

I wanna join.  I've spent the last few days in deep reflection and after all is said and done, I cannot change anything but my thinking.  It's got me all over the place, with anger, sadness, questions, sobering reality, defeat, empathy, frustration... .  and once again, the only thing I can change is my view on him, myself, the relationship.

It hurts, my heart is broken.  I can be in the middle of a sip of coffee and tears just fall.  We love these people, and there really is some good that has come of it, there has to be!  I know I'm just beginning a self examination that I hope will explain some things and open me up to grow, to understand myself and maybe build a loving, trusting, equal relationship somewhere in the future.

Yes, let her go with love.  She doesn't need any more bad karma on top of what she suffers with already, neither does mine.  I'm taking a deep breath as I walk outside this morning and hope my struggle is just a bit less today.

Best Wishes in your journey!

pink

[DreamGirl]

I want to join in.

I love this concept.

[Elsegundo]

Yay!  The more the merrier!

What am I holding on to?  Good q.  A few months before I met her, I realized that I as a person am now finally open to settling down.  For years I dated great folks who were ready but I wasn't, but something in me changed.  With this ex, I tried to be careful, slow, look for the qualities I thought worked with what I wanted.  I thought I'd found them: smart, attractive, communicative, strong career-stable woman with a good set of friends and *bonus* a wonderfully loving family.  She seemed "ready" too, and our long term goals seemed aligned, including the desire for kids, and she seemed to value working on herself, and was in therapy.  She'd make allusions right before her BPD came out about me being great and her being mean (before she was), foreshadowing/fear/idealization.  And then strange bits started, and then the unraveling began.  Eventually some of it triggered my stuff too.  And even when we could get back to center, it was just too much for her.

I'm letting go of the future I though we'd have together.  I really wanted it.  I tried as hard as could with her with what I knew/where I was in life.  I know that.  And she gave me what she could where she is.  I know that now too. 

Letting it go lets me create a space for my desired r/s to happen with someone else.  Hopefully.

What are you letting go of? 

[Elsegundo]

And pink: enjoy your walk.  Sending you relaxing energy!

[toliveistofly]

Yay!  The more the merrier!

What am I holding on to?  Good q.  A few months before I met her, I realized that I as a person am now finally open to settling down.  For years I dated great folks who were ready but I wasn't, but something in me changed.  With this ex, I tried to be careful, slow, look for the qualities I thought worked with what I wanted.  I thought I'd found them: smart, attractive, communicative, strong career-stable woman with a good set of friends and *bonus* a wonderfully loving family.  She seemed "ready" too, and our long term goals seemed aligned, including the desire for kids, and she seemed to value working on herself, and was in therapy.  She'd make allusions right before her BPD came out about me being great and her being mean (before she was), foreshadowing/fear/idealization.  And then strange bits started, and then the unraveling began.  Eventually some of it triggered my stuff too.  And even when we could get back to center, it was just too much for her.

I'm letting go of the future I though we'd have together.  I really wanted it.  I tried as hard as could with her with what I knew/where I was in life.  I know that.  And she gave me what she could where she is.  I know that now too. 

Letting it go lets me create a space for my desired r/s to happen with someone else.  Hopefully.

What are you letting go of? 

Elsee: I loved reading this. It really helped me. I think I am close; I can say that I tried and that she tried and that it is time to move on. But sometimes other emotions roll in; mostly anger and the feeling that she didn't try hard enough and I hope that she is suffering. In time I hope I can get past this and feel only empathy.

[Dub 1]

Hi There,

Yes please count me in.Letting go was the hardest thing I had to do.

But the pain is so much less now.

Life is a rollercoaster of emotions.

Blessings

[Clearmind]

I'm letting go of the future I though we'd have together.  I really wanted it.  I tried as hard as could with her with what I knew/where I was in life.  I know that.  And she gave me what she could where she is.  I know that now too. 

Letting it go lets me create a space for my desired r/s to happen with someone else.  Hopefully.

What are you letting go of? 

I hear you and this what I had to let go of too! I was not getting any younger and I wanted a family etc - I began to slowly realize that having a family with this man was not ideal!

The last thread that I was hanging onto was also his looks - he was stunning in my eyes - holding onto that also meant that I didn't think I was attractive. I felt like I needed him on my arm to make me feel special. I feel special in my own right now - and have gained a tonne of self worth in the process.

These are big things to let go of - I often think of the alternative life I would be leading if I hadn't left - misery! For me and him

[Seb]

Count me in too friends  

I've found it so hard to let go of the dream... but I have. It's been extremely painful, but worth it. I still have days where I think I've missed my chance, that I'll never find love again... .  but hopefully I will.

Since the break up I've worked hard at me - being the best, calmest, healthiest and happiest I can be. This r/s has truly shone a light on my feelings of low self-worth. That was always there, but I didn't know how much this impacted on me til now. I realise that I fix people, in the misguided hope that if I can fix them then I can fix me too. I've been a fixer all my life. I comforted my mother from infancy, I was her "guard dog" as she called me. I have a very dominant twin sister, and so this role I've found myself in from a very young age set me up to be in this r/s. I can see now how my FOO has determined this path I've taken. But I want to break free. I want to change the pattern.

It's been a painful process, putting myself under the microscope, but its worth it.

So... .  that's what I'm working hard on... loving and liking myself. Maybe one day, with the right work, I can find true love. I really hope so.

I can calmly reflect and say no matter what, my ex and I aren't compatible. And that's ok. Just because she doesn't want me doesn't mean I'm a bad or unlovable person. It just is what it is. We're not right for each other, me for her, and her for me. I value loyalty, honesty, openness and respect, and she has shown me that she doesn't value those things. So, that's the deal breaker. There's no right or wrong, we're just not meant to be.  If I can get to a place where I have become emotionally healthy, and perhaps built up enough self-esteem and self-respect, I can find someone who will love me and value me too much to run away. That's the hope.

We should all love ourselves more here - we're kind and loving people, and anyone would be damn lucky to have us!