Need feedback~~please and thank you.

[Rockylove]

I'll try to keep this short.  Saturday we are hosting a multi-birthday party here at our home.  This was my bf's idea.  One of our friends is turning 60 and his wife wanted to do something special.  My bf volunteered our home and we decided to celebrate all 6 of the "friends" January birthdays together (including mine)  People are coming from out of town for the weekend (beginning today).  I've been working long hours and my bf stays home... .  hasn't done much to get his junk out of the way to make room for guests, but that's another story (venting, sorry) 

Saturday is the full moon.  My bf likes to celebrate the full moon (he's gotten a bee in his bonnet about it and has done this for years now).  At any rate, his ex-wife knows this is a celebratory time for him and always texts him messages on the full moon.  I find it disturbing.  He says that there is nothing between them and even if I weren't in the picture there would be nothing between them.  I disagree.  She texts him and he responds.  He said she would stop once we moved.  I asked him not to respond to her, but he has anyway.  I asked him if he would block her from his phone, but he won't.  I feel that she isn't respectful of our relationship~~he said she doesn't respect anyone.  Not my problem!  He said that she would only be an issue if I made her an issue.  My issue is that she doesn't stop and he does nothing to stop her. 

I have a theory about this, but I could be all wrong. 

I'm reading "Loving a Person w/ BPD" by Shari Manning and something struck me.  She said "... .  if your loved one has an identity that includes thinking that she(he) is worthless and undeserving of love and you are constantly (out of love, of course) telling her that she is wrong, that she is not worthless and undeserving of love, she will become more emotional around you and may well turn to her relationship with the violent drug addict who actually treats her like she's not worth anything and sometimes tells her outright that she has no value.  This is not some attempt by the person you love to self destruct.  She is gravitating toward people whose manner of treating her is consistent with her own sense of who she is, where she is, and what she is all about." 

I know a bit about my bf's ex and she is definitely a case for the books.  I would venture a guess that she has BPD also.  They were married briefly (2 years) and divorced about 7 years ago now, but she has been in and out of his life since creating drama and raising all kinds of hell.  She's a prescription drug addict, has been arrested for shoplifting, lives with a crack head, has stolen from my bf's friends and family (and me, but we can't prove it) and has in general been a thorn in everyone's side... .  but HE FEELS SORRY FOR HER!  ARG! 

My suspicion is not that he feels sorry for her as much as he relates to her.  I know that I was not validating his feelings of worthlessness~~mostly because I couldn't imagine why he was feeling so, but since I've been on this site and been reading everything I can about BPD, I've made efforts to relate to him in a way that won't reinforce his feelings of inadequacy... .  not that I'm doing the right thing 100% of the time, but I'm trying to stay conscious. 

I don't want to make an issue out of her texting him messages, but I get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach every time the full moon is near.  I just want her to be out of his life and for him to actually put the past in the past!  I don't know how to deal with this!

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[Wishbone]

Difficult one for you. Does she only contact him when there is a full moon?

[Rockylove]

mostly during the full moon, but other random times as well.  I stopped asking if she's contacted him and he's only told me about it once in the last couple of months... .  it was difficult for him NOT to tell me as we were having a discussion about it and his phone beeped in while we were talking. 

She sent him a text on NY day and he said "hmmm that's odd, I would have expected it on Christmas."  I was stunned. 

GOOD GRIEF!

[CodependentHusband]

Rocky,

     Oh! I can see why this is bothering you. It's understandable. He's got this connection to her, and it's one more thing that adds to the distance between you. I think that you may be on to something as to what his motivations are for keeping the lines of communication open with her. It sounds like he is getting some kind of validation from her and he doesn;t want to let it go... .  sort of like Linus with his blanket in the Peanuts cartoon strip.

   How much of a threat do you think this is in reality?

[briefcase]

I really do sympathize.  I could go on and on about the   factor of this kind of thing . . . but I won't.      

These kinds of things take an already difficult relationship . . . and make it harder.  In the end, we have to really remember that we can only control ourselves, not our partners and their past partners.  This is A LOT easier said than done . . . I know from personal experience. 

It sounds like you have raised this issue with him and he's not inclined to change.  You will need to decide if this is something you can live with.  It's about your boundaries. 

[Rockylove]

CoDe... .  I don't know that he wants her around and he said that there's no way that he'd let her know where we live... .  although a mutual friend told me to beware.  The ex is flat out nutz and I wouldn't put it past her to lurk in the shadows and wait for the opportunity to pounce~~I know she did when we were in the old house.   If there is any way for her to try to upset the apple cart, she will.

briefcase... .  I don't want this to be a deal breaker.  I don't want to give him an ultimatum on this although I've thought about it often enough.  I live with him and I know he loves me... .  not her.  I just can't understand why in the world he wouldn't just block her phone number so she wouldn't text him any more.  He said he doesn't always answer her messages, but the fact that he would even SOME TIMES is disturbing to me.  She has caused him nothing but grief and then caused me grief when I became involved with him. 

Perhaps I'm just stressing over nothing, but she is so dysfunctional that I really want all contact to cease.

[briefcase]

You're between a rock and a hard place, I sympathize.  You can't live with this behavior, but also don't want it to be a deal breaker.  Right now, you are waiting for him to make this easy for you, one way or the other.  Maybe he will.  Maybe he won't.  Right now, he seems content with the status quo.