i caved

[tryin2moveOn]

i went six days NC. then i broke down and texted him. that lead to texts back and forth... .  and him coming over last night for dinner.

and he stayed the night.

driving into work today, i felt like total sh1t.

i have a T appt tomorrow. i'm about to ready to just say i need help, for me. i'm done researching the NPD and BPD and remembering all the lies and gaslighting and crazy fights and then saying, "oh, he was a piece of work, wasn't he?"

i need to figure out why i accepted that type of treatment, why i chose to stay with someone who wasn't good for me, and now why i'm still willing to be around him. to boot, he's married. and he said in no uncertain terms last night that he doesn't intend to file for divorce anytime soon. she doesn't either.

this is the first time in three years he's admitted as much... .  it was always, "oh i'm working on it" and the hundreds of excuses about why it hadn't happened yet.

as if being involved with someone with NPD/BPD doesn't make you crazy enough, now i'm in love with another woman's husband.

i'm really beating myself up over this. i don't know how to stop

[Surnia]

trying2moveOn

sorry to hear about this. 

You are very honest with yourself. With this man you are accepting a situation who is not healthy. Great you decided to see a T tomorrow. Sometimes we need help to change our pattern to choose unhealthy, unsatisfying relationships.

Be honest, but don't beat yourself over this.

[schwing]

hi tryin2moveOn,

I don't know why exactly you're putting yourself through this. I don't really know you.  But I'll tell you why I put myself through a comparably torturous relationship with my uBPDex, and maybe we'll find we have something in common.

The bottom line for me was that I believed I didn't deserve better than the poor treatment I received from my uexBPDgf.  I was afraid that if I didn't get whatever scraps of a semblance of love from this disordered woman, I would never get anything like it again.  And intellectually I didn't believe this.  But in my heart, this is how I felt.  And my head and heart were at war with each other.

What made this internal conflict worse was that she reinforced this conflicted message every time she re-seduced me and then needed her "space."  Of course I gave her her space, because who wouldn't want space from me.  Pathetic me who had allowed himself so little self-regard that I would continue to pine over a partner who would treat me with such disregard... .  sometimes.  It was the other times that hooked me.

When she treated me with what I confused for "love", that was the drug I needed to anesthetize myself from the pain she inflicted on me, but perhaps more importantly, from the pain I inflicted upon myself, through self-criticism, self-doubt, feelings of fear, obligation, and guilt.  Feelings that I had more or less ignored in myself while I was in the throes of passion with her.

I found that in order to stop the unhealthy longing I felt for her, I needed to first stop the pain I inflicted upon myself.  Until I started treating myself in a manner than outweighed the fiction (or fantasy) of how I wanted her to treat me, I continued to be a man lost in the desert only able to pursue mirages.

I don't blame you for breaking down and re-engaging with your ex.  I understand all too well the wanting of something you rationally know cannot be, but emotionally are not willing to give up.  The trick is accept that your physical, emotional, spiritual health, that you, are more important than that idea/fantasy which for some reason you may have confused for this other person.  And so long as you have you, and you can take care of you, then you will find another path to the happiness that you want, that you deserve.  But first you must walk the coals of letting go of what is only a poor facsimile of that happiness.

Best wishes, Schwing

[Vindi]

i think alot has to do with low self esteem. Don't we deserve better? i dunno, i've put up with alot in my past, and why, cuz I feel like I am in a FOG, obligated to him.

Deep down you know you are not happy, could one of your fears is being alone? and don't you think you deserve someone for yourself, who can be true to you?

Keep digging in your soul, find the answers and never be afraid of the unknown.

Please keep posting... .  and know that alot of us have "caved" but then recognized that nothing changed.

Do what is right for you!

[Wishbone]

Don't beat yourself up, it's all part of the process  . You have the support of a therapist which is great and something to work through. These things don't change overnight, too many emotions involved. It will get easier and you will be stronger and you'll see that there really are plenty more and better fish in the sea. You're just not there yet but in time you will be.

Maybe at the moment you love him more than you love yourself but you can turn that around.

[seeking balance]

Be kind to yourself - if you are not, then who will be?

We all have done this to one degree or another until we are done.  When you are done, you will be.  Until then, take good care of you and keep seeing that T.

Peace,

SB

[tryin2moveOn]

he apologized for everything last night. all the lies. he admitted to falling in love with me, and telling me lies that were nuts in order to keep me. he cried. he held me. he wants to continue to be my "best friend" to help me deal with how much he's hurt me.

such a mind fvck. basically, he wants to continue to have an affair, under the auspices of, "it's the least he owes me, after how he hurt me."

so he wants to continue to see me, once a week or so, for companionship, dinner, friendship. oh yeah, and we have never NOT ended up intimate at the end of the night.

and i have no friends here. my closest friends are over two hours away. so i'm incredibly lonely. he knows that. and now? my head and my heart are at polar opposite ends of the logic spectrum.

yes, i do need to learn to be gentle with myself. but this r/s has done quite the number on my self esteem. how do you get that back?

[seeking balance]

yes, i do need to learn to be gentle with myself. but this r/s has done quite the number on my self esteem. how do you get that back?

baby steps - do the little things to take care of yourself... .  let your head rule over the heart for a while tends to help rebuild self worth... .  at least it helped me.

[whatarideout]

i need to figure out why i accepted that type of treatment, why i chose to stay with someone who wasn't good for me, and now why i'm still willing to be around him.

somewhere along the line, there was an outside circumstance presented to you which caused you to form a belief.

this outside "happening", whether it was an event or what someone said(parent, teacher, friend, boyfriend, priest, ect), you filtered and then internalized what it meant to you causing this belief to take shape. because this outside situation had such an impact on you, you began to repeat the belief over and over again to yourself until it became a habitual part of your emotional mind(sub conscious). now that you have created a belief that is such a strong part of your mind, you will go out into the world and want to prove the belief right. even if someone were to tell you that the belief was, in fact, incorrect, you would defend your position and give the other person reasons why the belief is right, even if it doesn't get you the results you want.

i don't know what happened to cause you to form this belief. but i know for certain, this belief has caused you to think you deserve the treatment you are getting.

all this relationship is doing, is proving your belief right which results in you allowing someone else to abuse you.

you know its wrong, yet you proceed anyway. this is a clear indication that your belief is part of your conditioned thought process. in other words, it's buried deep.

the only way you will ever stop such thought patterns, is to go to work immediately on replacing the old belief with a new one. just like the way you created the old belief, you can plant a new one.

the more you repeat the new belief to yourself with conviction, the weaker the old one gets and begins to fade. only then will you begin to demand respect from another human being.

when you believe you deserve it.  

[schwing]

he apologized for everything last night.

To apologize for "everything" is to apologize for nothing. If he is not specific about anything, then I doubt he is ever aware of what he is "apologizing" for.

all the lies.

What if, in his mind, he never lied?  What if they were all delusions or distortions?

he admitted to falling in love with me, and telling me lies that were nuts in order to keep me. he cried. he held me. he wants to continue to be my "best friend" to help me deal with how much he's hurt me.

He's in love with you, until he is not in love with you.  It doesn't stick in a disordered person as it does for a non-disordered person.  He wants to "help" you deal with how he's "hurt" you?  Isn't that benevolent of him?  Why doesn't he just stop hurting you?

such a mind fvck. basically, he wants to continue to have an affair, under the auspices of, "it's the least he owes me, after how he hurt me."

That is a ridiculous proposition.  I hope you do not subscribe to his crazy.

so he wants to continue to see me, once a week or so, for companionship, dinner, friendship. oh yeah, and we have never NOT ended up intimate at the end of the night.

He wants to eat his cake, and have it too.

and i have no friends here. my closest friends are over two hours away. so i'm incredibly lonely. he knows that. and now? my head and my heart are at polar opposite ends of the logic spectrum.

You are vulnerable.  And he is taking advantage of you in ways that only he can.

[Wimowe]

I'm really beating myself up over this. i don't know how to stop

This was very hard for me to stop doing to myself.  At some point, I perceived that my harsh self-recrimination was entrenching my self-defeating behavior.

The way out for me started with acceptance that I would inevitably be vulnerable to a person like my uBPDxgf because of the way I'm wired emotionally.  I saw that I had to find and heal some of my very deep and old emotional wounds and traumas.  I learned the rudiments of self-love and self-care, one of which was to being gentle with myself.  I learned to view myself as practicing and learning instead of catastrophizing each mistake and failure.  I cultivated mindfulness of my feelings, fears, and resentments.  I started to view my uBPDxgf as a teacher rather than an affliction (although she certainly had become the latter!).  I've only started this work.

[turtle]

yes, i do need to learn to be gentle with myself. but this r/s has done quite the number on my self esteem. how do you get that back?

A good start is to do the next right thing.  Outsider looking in... .  the next right thing is to quit seeing, or even speaking to, a married man.  And to quit seeing someone who consistently hurts you.  It sucks, but it's true.

When we take these steps to affirm our self worth... .  we start to feel worthy.  It doesn't happen overnight, but it happens.

This isn't about him and his bad behavior.  It's about standing up for yourself and saying I deserve so much more than a man that goes home to someone else.  And the lying is implicit with someone who's cheating... .  there's no way a "cheater" doesn't lie.  Lying and cheating go together and you're right in the middle of both.

It will be lonely for awhile, but just for awhile.  If this continues... .  you'll always be lonely.




turtle

[Wimowe]

yes, i do need to learn to be gentle with myself. but this r/s has done quite the number on my self esteem. how do you get that back?

A good start is to do the next right thing.  Outsider looking in... .  the next right thing is to quit seeing, or even speaking to, a married man.  And to quit seeing someone who consistently hurts you.  It sucks, but it's true.

When we take these steps to affirm our self worth... .  we start to feel worthy.  It doesn't happen overnight, but it happens.

I started asking myself, every time my uBPDxgf and I interacted, What is taking care of myself right now?  What do I need to do to take care of myself?

I didn't always get an answer right away, and when I knew the answer, didn't always heed it.  Over time I got more answers and my self-care improved.  It helped a lot to review specific situations with my T and Al-Anon friends.