advice for newlyweds

[crazymade]

Good morning, all! I have been coming to this board for about a month now learning as much as i can. I am seeking out advice for newlyweds. I have always stated that my BPD SO was my husband, even though at the time it was not legal. Well, it's legal now, we did it! We are still in the honeymoon phase, even though it's been a week. I'm seeking out advice because i know the honeymoon is only a phase, and temporary. My husband and I have been through a lot, and he is a textbook case of BPD, complete with rages and abuse. i knew the package when i married him. I have no plans on leaving him, and he has no plans on leaving me. We are fierce in our love for each other. I come here for my own sanity. I know that my husband is sick, and I love him anyway. i know that after the honeymoon phase it will go back to normal and my husband will not be able to control his anger and his rages. but by coming here, i have learned how to keep things from escalating, and i'm trying to use the tools this site provides.

Anyone out there have any advice?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Chosen]

I think being newly wed can be extremely triggering to a pwBPD, as it's a new phase in life and they may feel "trapped"- I certainly feel that my husband sometimes have this feeling.  I would suggest not to make too many other new changes to your lives as yet, so as to give him some space to settle.

[yeeter]

Welcome crazymade!   

My advice:  Start with the lessons link on the right hand side of the page.

Read.  A lot.

Post.  Share whats happening. 

Practice some of the tools.  They do work and help.

Read some more. 

Repeat all.

(Its kinda like 'lather, rinse, repeat'  First is to learn and understand, then start practicing tools 'in the moment'.  Then repeat.

[crazymade]

thank y'all for the responses Yeeter and Chosen. i've been reading on this site and am learning not to JADE. SET is a little harder, especially when  you can't be empathetic to some of their complaints. but that one i'm working on. not JADEing helps out a whole lot. when you start to do it, you'll catch yourself and realize what you're doing and you stop. it's incredible once  you realize what YOU'RE doing.

My husband's been ok since we got married. Since we already considered ourselves husband/wife I didn't think it would be a big change. Boy was I ever wrong! I have noticed that my husband will want to get mad sometimes, but he's controlling it a whole lot better. instead of blowing up over the petty stuff, he's learning to soothe.

I'll continue to read and to post. This is such a great site and a life line for some.

[Chosen]

That's great, crazymade!  I'm also newlywed, and the first few months were terrible!  He had some of the worst rages ever!  That was before I learnt about BPD (he's not dx).  Then I tried the tools on here and things are much better now... .  he still thinks in ways I cannot understand and sometimes he still gets mad, but things are definitely calmer most of the time... .  !  There's hope!

[Foreverhopefull]

First , Congratulations !

Second, even if you treated each other as husband and wife, the whole ceremony can trigger something in them. Enjoy the honeymoon stage, but keep in mind not to change things too much in your routine prior to the wedding... .  even the location of the furniture.

Try not to make too much of the fact that you are officially "stuck" together. I know that when someone brings that up, it freaks my dBPDh... .  even after over 10 years.

Enjoy the honeymoon phase, but keep learning more on JADE and all the other tricks and tips that helps us have an easier life.

[Rockylove]

Congrats on the official wedding!  I sincerely wish you both the best. 

I found your choice of words interesting when you said you are both fierce in your love for each other.  I understand the feeling.  My only advice to you would be to exercise caution in how you approach the devotion (especially in light of the rages and abuse) as it could possibly lead to co-dependency. 

I'm glad you found this venue for support!

[briefcase]

Congrats!  I also noticed the "fierce love" reference and thought it was interesting, and a good way to describe it--I know what you mean!  

Here are some broad context type things to keep in mind--stuff I wish someone had told me as a newlywed:

(1) You must take care of yourself.  It's very easy to become lost in these relationships. Consciously work to keep yourself in a good place, making sure your needs are being met in some healthy way.  Take care that your physical, emtional and spiritual needs are being met.  Stay connected to your friends and family.

(2) You have to be an emotional leader in this relationship.  He will be up and down and all over the place emotionally.  You know this.  You can't follow his lead emotionally.  Stay centered and mindful all the time.  His catastrophes aren't your catastrophes.  His moods aren't your moods.  This requires stength and discipline which you only have if you take care of yourself.

(3) Be realistic.  What you see is what you get.  If he changes it will be because he wants to change and does the work, it's not something you control, nor should you try.  Have realistic expectations.  There will be good days, and some very bad ones.  You can only control one half of this relationship (your half), no more and no less.

Oh, and he won't always agree that these are good things!  But they are.

[crazymade]

y'all are awesome! that's why i come here, much like everyone else here. i read the boards, and post when i feel it's necessary. thank you so much briefcase, rockylove, yeeter, foreverhopefull, and chosen.

briefcase, that needs to be posted all over the site in big bold letters. it's hard when you love someone so deeply, i can't think of another adjective except fierce. our relationship is a long way from perfect, but those three things you highlighted are key. i am so grateful for those words.

it helps so much that y'all are here and able to share your words of wisdom   it has helped me, and i hope it helps anyone else in a similar situation.

[Grey Kitty]

As others said, read the lessons and practice the tools.

I would add... .  don't be too hard on yourself when you don't "get it right."

You are committed to stay in this. You will have more chances to do better, armed with the memory of how you wished you had done it last time.

You can take care of yourself and make things better that way.