Same old same old

[Wishful thinking]

Im just so sad and hurt right now. And just need a place to vent... .  

My H voiced many times now that he no longer wish for us to have children together.

Im 33. Hes 44 and has two children from prev marriage.

He no longer finds me attractive and rejects me everytime i initiate sex. He seems to want to be in control of this boat. Not sure. Just saw a few sites online he visited a month ago.  Maybe hes just tired of me.

Anyways. I find myself speechless. And not having much hope. Why am i doing this to myself?

I feel so ugly and alone. Sometimes i think why on earth did i get married. Cos im still alone.  

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[shatra]

Hi

Sounds like he is splitting you "black" right now. And you are believing his negative view of you.  Does he say why he doesn't want more kids?

Shatra

[Wishful thinking]

I do not know how long i can continue like this.

I dont deserve to be treated like this. And i think i need to switch boards or something.

The only reason he gives is that he is old. He ran the race. Got the trophy when it comes to marriage, sex, children. And he doesnt want to go thru all of it again.

He's lived his life. And i dont want to waste my life.

[Vindi]

how long have you been married? and did he say prior to marriage that he wants more children or is this a recent topic.

Communication is key, i had a friend who went thru a similiar situation, her husband was older, in his 40's and didn't want kids, they now have 2!

Please don't let his words hurt you, about your looks... .  and you too must decide if you want to be in this relationship or not, esp. if you

are unhappy and truly want your "own" children.

hugs your way!

[crazymade]

he's split you into black now. My husband says some mean nasty things when he gets mad about what a little whore i am, and i know i'm not. then he'll hit on a few other sensitive points just to get me going. but don't believe them! if having kids is one of  your buttons and he know it, then he's pushing that button. and if he really believed the things he said, he wouldn't be with you, now would he?

i know it's hard, but i wanted to send some words of encouragement your way. We may love them, but it doesn't mean they get to be emotional vampires.

have you tried to set a boundary recently? if so, the lesson on 'extinction bursts' is extremely helpful. i wish i'd known sooner.

[Wishful thinking]

@crazymade

He knows exactly which buttons to push

And this brings me to my next silly question... .  WHY?

Is it to gain some sense of control?

Is to hurt me back - a sordid kind of tit for tat?

A form of punishment?

If they are arrested in their childlike emotions then How are these type of things childlike in any way?

[crazymade]

honestly, i'm not sure. i've never ever understood that. I think it's part of the disorder, and i think it's to elicit a reaction from you. it keeps the argument going, and then you'll say something in the heat of the moment, and it leads to something else they want to gripe about.  a turning point for me, right or wrong, is when i started looking at the husband (grown man) i love dearly as a 3 year old child. Look at your husband's behavior and equate it to a 3 year old. the temper tantrums, the name calling, the anger, the pouting... .  it looks like how a 3

you do raise a good point though. they've painted us black since we've done SOMETHING, so maybe part of it is tit for tat, although not really. not doing the dishes or leaving something out, or one of their triggers usually isn't worth all the meanness, Wishful Thinking. --Crazymade

[briefcase]

@crazymade

He knows exactly which buttons to push

And this brings me to my next silly question... .  WHY?

Is it to gain some sense of control?

Is to hurt me back - a sordid kind of tit for tat?

A form of punishment?

If they are arrested in their childlike emotions then How are these type of things childlike in any way?

This may have nothing to do with you at all.  We tend to think that when things like this happen there has to be some reason behind it, and that reason has to somehow be connected to us.  People with BPD have a lot of issues that come from within themselves.  Even when they say it's about us, it often isn't.  

I'm not saying people with BPD don't do vindictive and mean things.  They do.  So do people without BPD.  

It's just a spiral downward when we start thinking that "if only I do . . . , then he will do  . . . . (or feel . . . )".  You can't control how he feels about having children.  You can control how you feel about having children and asjust your life accordingly.      

We can wonder about why people with BPD do and think a lot of things.  It tends to be futile.