Quiet Borderlines... a special torture

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

 

My ex was also a quiet borderline and it does make everything more complex because communication ceases to exist.  My ex would go off the grid and I saw this as my cue to try harder to make everything better just like all of you; it's humiliating and ego destroying.

I agree the silent treatment originates in their Family of Origin (FOO) and is emotionally cruel.  Imagine growing up like this; having your mother punish and manipulate you by treating you as if you don't exist.  The pain you feel is the same pain they have felt most of their lives. Their pain and anger is projected onto you to ease their own complete and utter sense of worthlessness.  It is an emotional horror story.  However, sometimes considering the source of our pain makes it easier to let it go. 

And to some extent you may have felt something similar in your own FOO and may explain why the story with your ex seemed so familiar and comfortable; we often try to re-write the past and change the script to make a happier ending.  But the script is within your power to change; you don't need the same dysfunctional supporting cast anymore. 

Your ex will always be a victim without ever knowing why but you can choose to be bigger than what has happened to you.  You can choose you.

tailspin

[tailspin]

 

My ex was also a quiet borderline and it does make everything more complex because communication ceases to exist.  My ex would go off the grid and I saw this as my cue to try harder to make everything better just like all of you; it's humiliating and ego destroying.

I agree the silent treatment originates in their Family of Origin (FOO) and is emotionally cruel.  Imagine growing up like this; having your mother punish and manipulate you by treating you as if you don't exist.  The pain you feel is the same pain they have felt most of their lives. Their pain and anger is projected onto you to ease their own complete and utter sense of worthlessness.  It is an emotional horror story.  However, sometimes considering the source of our pain makes it easier to let it go. 

And to some extent you may have felt something similar in your own FOO and may explain why the story with your ex seemed so familiar and comfortable; we often try to re-write the past and change the script to make a happier ending.  But the script is within your power to change; you don't need the same dysfunctional supporting cast anymore. 

Your ex will always be a victim without ever knowing why but you can choose to be bigger than what has happened to you.  You can choose you.

tailspin

[Beenreplaced]

It never ceases to amaze me as to just how similar our stories are.  Basically the same script. Mine left me abruptly too, actually after a nice dinner.  We had been togther for six years.  He raged so terribly, the hater phase in its full glory.  I had no idea he could be so mean, hurtful and hateful.  I was devastated, so much so I could not get out of bed the next morning.  Of course, like most people here, mine quickly replaced me and hasn't looked back since.  I did try reaching out after a year to just try and get some closure as we were friends for years first.  I got no answer, nothing even after a year.  Their leaving us is like being in a hit and run accident.  We are hurting so badly and they are gone without a moment's consideration for the carnage they leave behind... .  brutal.

What I try to keep in mind is that we need to expect people who treat us so terribly to continue to do so. He took my voice and only allowed communication on his terms.  I now know that I was used to this from my FOO.  I also now realize that I will never allow anyone to treat me like this again.

BR

[Randi Kreger]

<< Thanks Clearmind.  Sometimes I struggle trying to figure out if my ex was more "Quiet Narcissist" or "Quiet Borderline".>>People can be both

[anker]

a person going nc for space and healing usually alerts the other person in done way, by ending the relationship in a non ambiguous way, by asking for no contact, and by responding at least once with politeness.

someone giving a silent treatment will imply that the relationship is active, will ignore requests for clarification, and will not end a relationship before becoming distant.

ask yourself what you would do if you needed to go nocontact for your own piece of mind. how would you begin? would you do this in the middle an argument, after asking someone for something? would you go ileyou can'tnt without warning, on someone you intended to stay involved with?

probably not -in fact, if you go nc it's difficult! it's hard not to tall to someone you love, right?

now look at the situation with silent treatment. has that person ended the relationship? yes? that's nc. no? that's punishment, passive abuse. neglect

you can't force someone to contact you. at all. making those attempts is stalking. it makes you the bad guy. the only proper response to silent treatment is total withdrawal from that relationship.

i was neglected and a victim of passive abuse as a child. I'm currently nc with my parents because of that. I've been on a few relationships where silent treatment happened to me. I've learned, and i no longer get or array involved with people like that... .  it's the hardest abuse to deal with because the only way you can take your own power back is to walk away

trust me, they want you to chase, not walk away. if you chase them, they've "won", whether or not the relationship resumes our continues

[GustheDog]

trust me, they want you to chase, not walk away. if you chase them, they've "won", whether or not the relationship resumes our continues

Assuming they're not also NPD, what's the satisfaction for them in "winning"?

[nylonsquid]

trust me, they want you to chase, not walk away. if you chase them, they've "won", whether or not the relationship resumes our continues

Assuming they're not also NPD, what's the satisfaction for them in "winning"?

Not being abandoned.

[Dave44]

[/quote]

trust me, they want you to chase, not walk away. if you chase them, they've "won", whether or not the relationship resumes our continues

BS. There's plenty of people on here that have been dumped and completely shut out in every way shape and form with the NC never to be heard from their ex again. I'm one of them and trust me, they don't want to be chased. They want absolutely nothing to do with you. Their done and as far as they're concerned you no longer even exist on planet earth. I WISH my ex wanted to be "chased"... .  

[findingmyselfagain]

"Confusing" is the best way to describe my r/s with a likely Waif/Hermit. All the romantic highs one minute and then shaming and guilting me the next. Which one was it? I've heard from several people who knew her at various stages of the r/s. They all found her relationships to be EXTREME and she never could admit any kind of fault at all. They were all surprised at how fast she fell for me. They're all to this day really puzzled as to how things ended as abruptly as they did. She was actually very complimentary of me and pretty much told everyone I was fantastic. I wondered what exactly she told people about me, b/c I was a pretty darn good mate. I just don't think she has any idea or ability to handle emotions or intimacy. The abrupt ending the week of our wedding shower understandably was very shocking to me. The relationship seemed to be progressing until it came to a grinding, screeching halt, so I was understandably very much in shock and wondering.

Our L/C afterwards was also confusing. Sometimes I'd be ignored for months, and then sometimes she'd be somewhat friendly, and then other times she'd go into a rage. I've been NC since last July after realizing our C could never be productive. Sometimes I wonder if she'll contact me and how it'll come, but I believe it's highly unlikely. She is too caught up in her perception of her miserable life. Too many problems. Too focused on herself without truly focusing on herself... .  ?

Aren't we 100 times better off without them? Isn't it nice to not have to be a constant baby-sitter and care-taker and figure out wth is going on? The disorder is sad. I feel compassion for my ex b/c I saw just how broken she was, but I have to accept that she is responsible for getting healthy, or staying broken.

[almost789]

Randi,

Thank you.  I thought that they could be both. If a person doesn't have the "grandiosity" but has all the other characteristics of NPD, do you think they can be NPD? That is the one characteristic my pwBPD doesn't seem to have but sometimes I would swear he was a narcissist.

Findingmyself, yes your right we ARE better off with out them. Or we will be anyway.

[AllyCat7]

I just found this old bpdfamily thread about quiet borderlines. Lots to read in there... .  and it's all quite sad. Silent treatment is such excruciating abuse yet many people (especially borderlines) don't realize it (or maybe they do... .  who knows). Either way, glad we are bringing this to the forefront!

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=149911.0;wap2

[Clearmind]

Not all people with NPD are Borderlines however all BPDs are narcissistic -they may not be diagnosed with NPD however they may have traits. Or be both!

Is it BPD or narcissism (NPD)?