What would you do?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am a a 32 year old female, doctor.

My mom is diagnosed BPD. Has been since I was a child (about 10 or so)

My stepmom is undiagnosed BPD, but shows classic witch symptoms, hates my guts, lives her daughters everything (I'm split black, she's split white).

I think my dad knows his wife (my stepmom) is BPD but is pretty passive about it, is chronically depressed and I think just doesn't want to go through another divorce.

My husband and I live out of state over 1500 miles from my family.

Question:

My husband and I are going to be starting our family soon (in about 7 months to be exact) :-)

I don't want my children anywhere around my mother or stepmother. I will not allow them to feel marginalized like my stepmom made me feel as a kid, I won't let them wonder why their grandma doesn't love them as much as their cousins, or why grandma always puts down their mom (me).

I would let my dad see then but he'd have to come here, which he probably wouldn't do, he'd have to endure the wrath of my stepmom and I don't think it'd be worth it to him to have a relationship with my future kids to endure that.

I'm not interested in any gifts from anyone (stepmom will want to keep up appearances on FB and send presents) and I haven't told my parents yet. 

How do I tell them without starting a problem? Should I just not tell them and let them find out through the grapevine?

How do I notify them (especially dad/stepmom) that stepmom is not going to be involved in this child's life at all?  I have no problem being blunt and telling them why, it's just the exact method of news delivery I'm unsure of... .  

Any help from anyone who's been through a similar situation would be greatly appreciated.

[DS917]

I am a a 32 year old female, doctor.

My mom is diagnosed BPD. Has been since I was a child (about 10 or so)

My stepmom is undiagnosed BPD, but shows classic witch symptoms, hates my guts, lives her daughters everything (I'm split black, she's split white).

I think my dad knows his wife (my stepmom) is BPD but is pretty passive about it, is chronically depressed and I think just doesn't want to go through another divorce.

My husband and I live out of state over 1500 miles from my family.

Question:

My husband and I are going to be starting our family soon (in about 7 months to be exact) :-)

I don't want my children anywhere around my mother or stepmother. I will not allow them to feel marginalized like my stepmom made me feel as a kid, I won't let them wonder why their grandma doesn't love them as much as their cousins, or why grandma always puts down their mom (me).

I would let my dad see then but he'd have to come here, which he probably wouldn't do, he'd have to endure the wrath of my stepmom and I don't think it'd be worth it to him to have a relationship with my future kids to endure that.

I'm not interested in any gifts from anyone (stepmom will want to keep up appearances on FB and send presents) and I haven't told my parents yet. 

How do I tell them without starting a problem? Should I just not tell them and let them find out through the grapevine?

How do I notify them (especially dad/stepmom) that stepmom is not going to be involved in this child's life at all?  I have no problem being blunt and telling them why, it's just the exact method of news delivery I'm unsure of... .  

Any help from anyone who's been through a similar situation would be greatly appreciated.

[HarmKrakow]

What is most important here? The upbringing of your kids.

What do we not want? Any involvement of BPD in their lives until they are adults.

1+1 = 2

The 'way' it's being told to the BPD in question matters less.

[GeekyGirl]

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Things do get a little more complicated when kids enter the picture.

You live pretty far from your father and stepmom, so you're not likely to see them often. You mentioned that you'd let your dad see your child, but if he comes to visit you by himself. Do you think he'd be ok with that?

I'd be honest, but tell them what I would be comfortable with in a way that is respectful and kind, but firm. You can ask that they not send presents, thanking them for thinking of you and your child, but that this child will have everything he/she needs.

[DS917]

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Things do get a little more complicated when kids enter the picture.

You live pretty far from your father and stepmom, so you're not likely to see them often. You mentioned that you'd let your dad see your child, but if he comes to visit you by himself. Do you think he'd be ok with that?

I'd be honest, but tell them what I would be comfortable with in a way that is respectful and kind, but firm. You can ask that they not send presents, thanking them for thinking of you and your child, but that this child will have everything he/she needs.

My dad has come out a few times on his own to visit, so he has done that in the past, but I'm not sure he would after all of this comes out. He would catch so much flack from my stepmom it may not be worth it for him to make the trip... .  I could handle that, it's sad to say but I'd rather have none of them in my child's life than have dad with stepmom attached... .  

[InaMinorRole]

The person who has been hurt in this situation is you. You were vulnerable. If you're worried about your (future) kids and how they will react to the situation, don't be. These people live too far away and will have too little contact to do any real damage to their self esteem or to their view of you. If anything, when they're older it will help them understand you better. They're going to encounter rude and insufferable people throughout their lives and will need to learn to deal with them. And they will! They'll be okay. You can take that one off the table.

You, on the other hand, have every right to make choices that are right for you. This situation is about you.

If it were me I would not make any grand proclamations up front about who is or is not welcome to visit, or who may or may not send presents. I would write thank you letters for any present that arrives. I would invite no one. If they say they're coming tell them you would be happy to find them a local hotel but my schedule would be "awfully busy." If they both come anyway and stay in the hotel, and she ends up in your house, be ready to ask her to leave the instant her behavior becomes inappropriate. Back to the hotel she goes. Dad is free to do what he likes.

Your situation is different though, because it sounds like you're dealing with a witch type of BPD and I was dealing with a queen.

Make sure your husband is on board with the game plan so if you find yourself decompensating he can calmly follow whatever plan you set up.

I let my BPD mom stay at our house. At the age of two one of my sons locked her out. I saw my other son with a new toy and asked where he got it. He said "Granddad, the only one who loves me." Kids are smart. They figure this stuff out.

[DS917]

The person who has been hurt in this situation is you. You were vulnerable. If you're worried about your (future) kids and how they will react to the situation, don't be. These people live too far away and will have too little contact to do any real damage to their self esteem or to their view of you. If anything, when they're older it will help them understand you better. They're going to encounter rude and insufferable people throughout their lives and will need to learn to deal with them. And they will! They'll be okay. You can take that one off the table.

You, on the other hand, have every right to make choices that are right for you. This situation is about you.

If it were me I would not make any grand proclamations up front about who is or is not welcome to visit, or who may or may not send presents. I would write thank you letters for any present that arrives. I would invite no one. If they say they're coming tell them you would be happy to find them a local hotel but my schedule would be "awfully busy." If they both come anyway and stay in the hotel, and she ends up in your house, be ready to ask her to leave the instant her behavior becomes inappropriate. Back to the hotel she goes. Dad is free to do what he likes.

Your situation is different though, because it sounds like you're dealing with a witch type of BPD and I was dealing with a queen.

Make sure your husband is on board with the game plan so if you find yourself decompensating he can calmly follow whatever plan you set up.

I let my BPD mom stay at our house. At the age of two one of my sons locked her out. I saw my other son with a new toy and asked where he got it. He said "Granddad, the only one who loves me." Kids are smart. They figure this stuff out.

Thank you for the advice!

My biggest worry is that stepmom will love and treat my child well well for a while, then as soon as one of her children has a grandchild for her she will reject and ignore my child. This is what happened to me as a kid and it was VERY confusing to wonder what I did to make her hate me all of a sudden. (It took me a lot of therapy to realize I didn't do anything, it's just part of her disease to split people). 

I don't want my kid to have to go through wondering what he/she did to make grandma angry or not lover her/him any more when my stepmom decides to split my kid black.  I feel like kids think they have responsibility for stuff like that, like it's their fault grandma did something... .  

[InaMinorRole]

I think you're right: kids do think it's their fault when someone who was nice turns mean. Your instincts about keeping this woman at arm's length is no doubt on target. As long as your kids have lots of people in their lives who love them (other relatives, surrogate aunties, whatever) they'll be okay with a weird grandmother they rarely see.