Help me undersand my feelings.

[Denny]

Good evening all,

I have checked in from time to time and first off I just want to say thanks to all who have come before me and ask questions and even answered mine. Its been a great help.

So here is two of my questions.

(1) I recycled with this woman more times then I can remember. During those times we were apart she would "try" to make contact. What I mean by that is she would on rare occasions make contact but most cases she would just make an appearance. Such as show up at the super market, be at places I'd be, start working out across the street from my daughter  school etc... .  ( we don't hang in the same circles by the way) For the sake of time i'll stop there but the list was very long. At one particular breakup I was talking to somebody impartial and telling them about the coincidence "meetings or sightings" and he stopped me and said  "Look this is stalking". I said no it just happens to be a few coincidences (Yes I know I wasn't thinking correctly). He said write as many down as I could think of. I did and I was shocked and very scared. There were a lot of "coincidences". What has come from this is there really was NO coincidences. The part that I don't understand that made him scared and is different then other people in similar situations is that she doesn't necessarily want confrontation she just wants me to know she is there.  Question: Is that what she wants? She doesn't want to confront (she is a very very confrontational person). She just wants me to know she is there?

(2) I am a person that is fit and by all accounts can take care of myself and have. What is odd is every time I see her I shake and feel soo cold. Its the best way to describe it. I have been out of this relationship for three years. I deal with the same feelings so many others do. The thoughts of her, The missing her, the wonder what it would be like to be back together all the while knowing its the wrong choice, want to see her but not wanting too etc... .  But when I see her I shake and the clock starts ticking all over again. Question: What is this feeling? Is it anxiety?

Thanks

[PrettyPlease]

Question: Is that what she wants? She doesn't want to confront (she is a very very confrontational person). She just wants me to know she is there?

But when I see her I shake and the clock starts ticking all over again. Question: What is this feeling? Is it anxiety?

Hi Denny,

I suspect you'll get different opinions (which is good), and I'll start off by saying:

Q#1: It's almost impossible to know what somebody else wants without asking them, and even then often you can't figure out what they mean, or whether they're telling you the truth. With an BPDx, it's going to be even harder than that, because you can't ask them, or if you do, what they say won't make sense to you, or it will change, or you won't trust it. So all you really have is your reaction to their behavior itself, not the intention behind it. You will need to work out what you need to do relative to this behavior for you to live a happy, healthy life. This may not be easy but I believe it's possible.

Q#2: I dunno, but sounds like fear to me.   . But I recall an interesting experiment that showed that a feeling is what you interpret it to be -- exactly the same hormones can be interpreted as a different emotion, depending on the belief and reaction to context of the person experiencing those hormones. So, you, who have the feeling, are the one who is making it be what it is. Is it anxiety? Do you have the same symptoms when you are anxious about other things? --But, fear or anxiety, or any other negative emotion: see answer #1. You'll have to deal with it, somehow, regardless of the possible intentions of the person you are interacting with when it occurs.

PP

[HarmKrakow]

Good evening all,

I have checked in from time to time and first off I just want to say thanks to all who have come before me and ask questions and even answered mine. Its been a great help.

So here is two of my questions.

(1) I recycled with this woman more times then I can remember. During those times we were apart she would "try" to make contact. What I mean by that is she would on rare occasions make contact but most cases she would just make an appearance. Such as show up at the super market, be at places I'd be, start working out across the street from my daughter  school etc... .  ( we don't hang in the same circles by the way) For the sake of time i'll stop there but the list was very long. At one particular breakup I was talking to somebody impartial and telling them about the coincidence "meetings or sightings" and he stopped me and said  "Look this is stalking". I said no it just happens to be a few coincidences (Yes I know I wasn't thinking correctly). He said write as many down as I could think of. I did and I was shocked and very scared. There were a lot of "coincidences". What has come from this is there really was NO coincidences. The part that I don't understand that made him scared and is different then other people in similar situations is that she doesn't necessarily want confrontation she just wants me to know she is there.  Question: Is that what she wants? She doesn't want to confront (she is a very very confrontational person). She just wants me to know she is there?

Stalking ... yes. Is that what she wants? The way you describe her it tells me she doesn't know what she wants. 

(2) I am a person that is fit and by all accounts can take care of myself and have. What is odd is every time I see her I shake and feel soo cold. Its the best way to describe it. I have been out of this relationship for three years. I deal with the same feelings so many others do. The thoughts of her, The missing her, the wonder what it would be like to be back together all the while knowing its the wrong choice, want to see her but not wanting too etc... .  But when I see her I shake and the clock starts ticking all over again. Question: What is this feeling? Is it anxiety?

Thanks

I'm going to be short and blunt about it. It's your inner BPD warning system, now a bit thicker than before due to your previous r/s, telling you to RUN forest RUN!

[benny2]

You know that is interesting, but reverse in my case. My exBPD would shake and become very nervous around me. Not sure why. I also got that way after I moved in and all the bazzar behavior began. I would shake everytime he  walked in the door. Nerves I believe.

[trouble11]

I too shake with every occasional text message.  I do believe it's uncontrollable fear that develops over time and with much experience of the deep emotional pain and confusion they cause.   

[Changed4safety]

Oh man, I start shaking and my heart rate soars and my mind goes blank.  Still happens when I get at text, used to happen when I would see the "clouds gather" and realize he was going to be very ticked off at something shortly which usually meant that I was in trouble.  Perfect example of projection:  This happened one time when he "lost" a DVD.  I didn't offer to help him look because he got mad if I was "preemptively helpful".  Then he got mad when I didn't offer.  So I did.  I made a comment about something and he got furious because I was "being snarky."  I am hardly EVER snarky, it's not my personality, and at the time I was simply terrified like a deer in the headlights.  I don't miss that flood of adrenaline and blank mind.  Ugh.     Thanks for another reminder of why I left and why I need to stay gone!

[OTH]

(1) I recycled with this woman more times then I can remember... .  She just wants me to know she is there?

Are you still there? Does she want to recycle? How does she know you don't? Can you not see why she would be confused? This is a pattern the two of you developed.

Relationship Recycling

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=95860.0

[Tausk]

1.)  The meetings are probably not coincidental.  It's recycling.  However, stalking although might be the behavior, might not be the best description since a pwBPD often has very little free will in decisions.  And the disorder is an attachment disorder.  After I had been attached and recycled, it was natural for my ex to interject herself into my life at various times.  Even if not to recycle, to reattach.  

2.)  It's called PTSD and being triggered.  We walked on egg shells.  We were trauma bonded. We never knew when we were going to get hit, and we were always on flight or fight response.  If we had been kidnapped and abused by pirates for years, we'd be triggered if we saw the pirate again.  

Seeing our exes is the ultimate trigger.  Even when I see a place where we used to go, or some ex "friends" that will trigger me as well.  The only way to ensure that the triggers go away is if I deal with them and in a conscious manner.  Vets come back from combat and repress for twenty or thirty years and then get triggered and are back in the old place.  So be away of the feelings, and process them.  I've had to look at why I was willing to be vulnerable to a person who did not have the capacity to take any responsibility for her actions and who by nature would betray me.  This is not a person to trust or to become attached to.  But I did it anyway.  As I've gotten a better sense of who I am, the reactions to the triggers lessen.

[waitaminute]

Around my BPDex I eventually had a super heightened anticipation of rage. I can take the regular rage if in a safe place. But we drove around her country and in the largest city of her country... .  A feat few Americans could have managed. different language. Different laws. And no one follows the rules... .  Or there are no rules. Not sure. In the car she would rage for any of a dozen reasons. Was she gonna grab the steering wheel? Throw my GPS out the window? Jump out of the car? I could see her wanting to do these things but just stopping short. Then she would say "you radiate anxiety. I CANT STAND IT"

Uh... .  Yeah. no doubt. miss a turn and go to hell.

Point is... .  They throw you off your game. It's like being alice in wonderland but with man eating creatures instead of rabbits and caterpillars.

[Changed4safety]

Mine had the exact same issue when I drove.  Everything I did was wrong and stressed him out, and then he would pile on that my stress was stressing him out.