Single BPD mothers and sleeping with her children at night?

[Dave44]

My ex who I assume to have many BPD waif traits was a single mother of 2 girls (4&8) from different fathers. When I got involved with her I noticed how both her daughters would sleep in her bed every night. At first I didn't think to much of it, I thought it was a bit odd for the 8 year old but didnt give it to much thought. When I started s pending the night and subsequently moved in with her this obviously became a fairly big issue. The 8 year old wasn't to bad and only took about a week or so to adjust. However, the 4 year old was another story all together. Right up until the day she asked me to leave she would be getting up anywhere from 3-5 times a night saying she couldn't sleep and trying to crawl in the bed. This led to a lot of up and down to put her back to her bed. Quiet often she would just result to sneaking into her sisters bed and sleep with her. I know there's lots of different opinions when it comes to the "family bed" but now that I'm out of the relationship, looking back I'm starting to wonder if this was more so for my ex rather than her kids? She didnt seem to think there was anything wrong with it what so ever and I wonder if she simply wanted to have them in bed with her to "soothe" herself? Does anyone know if this behaiviour is common with single BPD mothers? Thoughts? Opinions? Thanks for your time.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Dave44]

Anyone?

[Vivgood]

Let us ignore the big red flag of someone having kids by multiple partners in rapid succession.  I'm down with the family bed up to a certain age (thru the single digits), and depending on circumstance (illness, trauma), at older ages with a same-sex parent. So if the last divorce is recent, I don't see a big issue. But, and this is a big one, the "family bed" is totally inappropriate for a non-bio parent past toddlerhood. It sets up an enormously conflicted, inappropriate intimacy for the child. If you are in a new relationship... .  the family bed has to stop (unless we're talking babies). Seems like the 8yo was ready and at the right developmental point to sleep alone, and that all happened in a healthy manner. Four is still gonna wanna sleep with mom, and it may be developmentally appropriate for this child. If Mom's gong to be in a new sexual relationship ( ), then she needs to work on getting 4yo into a new routine. Won't be easy and it will take time, that's just the age and the circumstance.  All that aside, she may be co-sleeping for her own comfort as well (mom I mean). That's pretty common for single moms, whether they are BPD or not. Not necessarily healthy, but not necessarily UN-healthy. With 2 girls at young ages... .  only an issue upon a new sexual relationship. If 1 kid were a boy, or if the kids were over age 10... .  then obviously a problem regardless of new relationships.

IMHO

vivgood

[Schism]

Hi Dave,

Good questions.

The tough thing is that there really isn't a "right" answer to them.  Many individuals with Borderline may act or react differently given their situation.  It is perfectly possible that your ex found solace in her children, and may have comforted her and grounded her in reality.  While, it is also just as possible that she was detached and only conforming to whatever the children wanted because that was easier than having to use tough love with her children.  

Like I said, there could be a lot of different ways to interpret the situation you have expressed; and we may never know which one is the "right" one.  The borderline in my life is going to be slightly if not totally different from the borderline in someone else's life.  

Sorry I cannot help with a concrete answer  

[qcarolr]

My situation is not exactly the same yet maybe relevant. My gd7 lives with dh and I, her whole life. We have custody since she was baby.BPD DD26 has been in and out of our home. Gd has a lot of anxiety whether from lifestyle, temperament or other issues we are in process of evaluating. We have a therapy goal with gd for her to sleep all night in her own bed. She also knows that if she is scared or lonely at night she can always come in our bed - this is usually after the train goes by at 2-3 am. She is hypersensitive to sounds.

I used to put her back to bed, lay down with her for part of the night, etc. I was tired. So now she can crawl in with us and it is OK. I will keep encouraging her to make it all night. She is not allowed in our room until after all lights are out because grandma and grandpa get some private time after she is tucked in. She accepts this. We lock our bedroom door when appropriate until we go to sleep.

Not a perfect solution. Works for now. Such an individual choice - reserve any judgements.

qcr